Santhiphaps Journal Of Anxiety, Thoughts, Meditation & Love

[Santhiphap]

Hello friends, 

This is my journal of Anxiety Elimination, Positive Thought Training & Meditation Experiences. I will also talk about my latest journey of love.
These topics seem to be the most important to me to improve on at the moment so I decided to focus on them during this journal to keep track of my goals.

But of course there will be a variety of topics coming along and I want to keep my freedom to write about even more things of life that happen to me along the way. Here are a few more topics that are currently important to me:

• learning to appreciate the value of taking action to be able to take action more frequently (I am very bad at this due to my neurotic and perfectionistic condition)
• mastering love and relationships
• creating good habits
• Finding life purpose
• Creating long term goals for life & Finding my life purpose

These are a lot of topics because I have bottled them up for a long time, but I feel so much energy lately that I know this is the right time to seriously do some self-actualization work. 

Never in my life have I written so much down on paper as in the past month. I have tried to write journals a few times in my life but I failed miserably. I think that I failed because I didnt see the importance of it. Now I know that a new chapter of my life has just begun about month ago. I might write a post about my past if someone is interested or if I suddenly need to get it all out. Because thats what this journal shall be about. Its for me, and for people who see similarities between my life and theirs, who feel a connection. But most importantly this journal shall be for myself, to get the things out of my system, because, writing thoughts down helps me letting thoughts go.

[Santhiphap]

How I almost lost faith in love

Let me start off this journal with the most important happening in my life right now. Love. It happened about 6 weeks ago but I first I want to go back many years to write about my first love and how it screwed with my life from there on. 

I was 16, exactly 10 years ago, I am 26 now. I find it interesting that the number 6 has always been my favorite number (I am a bit into numerology and deeper connections of numbers and time since I watched "Touch TV Series").

So when I was 16, I moved to another country for a year as an exchange student and I found a girl with whom I fell deeply in love with. The problem was, we were in very different conditions. She was lonely, her mother left her alone alot with her grandmother and her two brothers which seemed to be not the brothers you would wish for. In contrast, I was happy and very busy enjoying all the new things to learn about that country. The culture, all the uncountable sightseeing trips, the people I got introduced to, it really took me in so much that it must have felt terrible for her to watch my life not being able to be a part of it. This was the actual problem, because in that country it was simply not accepted to have a girlfriend at that age and all forces worked against us. The teachers in school, my host familiy, her parents, all tried to keep us apart. But we stayed strong and went totally crazy. We got such a deep connection from these circumstances that we werent able to live a day without talking to each other. I remember my phones SMS counter was at about 5000 SMS sent and 10000 recieved after about 6 months of being "together". One day the schools principle called us to his office and told us we were a bad influence on the other students because we tend to spend too much time together in school, other students would see it and demand to have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship as well which was unacceptable. So the principle asked us to stop, at least to stop showing us so much in public. I remember how we looked at each other, her and me, both knowing that we would not give in, so we simply told him: "No, its not an option for us, we cant stop". I didnt care, she didnt care, the principle threatened to expel her from school and she still didnt care. Where else would we meet if not in school? We couldnt even walk to meet in the city because it was too far and even if, our families always had an eye on us, where we went, who we met and what we were doing. Our homes were so far away from each other there was no way to meet without it taking so much time that someone would find out what we were doing. Only one older friend from school (my family trusted him) helped us and took me to meet her secretly in front of her house on really rare occasions, of course, only at night so she could sneak out of the house without anyone noticing. Apart from that we almost never met outside of school, and if we met, we had to be quick because both of us sneaked away from the people that were taking care of us. A quick conversation, a few kisses if noone could see us, thats it. Even though we haven't had much time, time stood still when we met.

When time passed by, the end of my exchange year came closer. We were slowly realizing that we have never thought about what we would do once I would move back to my home country. We tried never to think about it but it became unavoidable. Long story short, as expected, this took a very painful ending. Many hours on the phone, many tears, thoughts that I wanted to take her back home with me, but it would never be accepted by any of our parents. It deeply frustrated us to the point that she didnt want to live anymore, without me. To the point that she threatened me not to break up with her, not to leave her, not to hang up the phone, or she will...

I think I stayed on the phone for a couple hours, or a couple of days, both of us crying from time to time, followed by silence, followed by frustration and tears again.. Have you ever known a person so desparate that he/she wanted to die if you left? Have you ever felt that? Its the strongest force I have ever felt to pull two people together that need to be apart. Just, incredible.

Writing this now, 10 years later, brings it all back to me and makes me cry so much.

This is, why I have never been ready to truly open up myself for another girl. Until now, 6 weeks ago, it happened, I met someone that opened up my heart and gave me the trust I needed to believe that it might not have to be that painful again.

To be continued...

 

Edited September 4, 2016 by Santhiphap

[Santhiphap]

How I found new faith in love

I met her a couple of times before, about once or twice a year. Her friend circle and mine is different but has people in it that make the circles come together from time to time, usually in the park for some barbecue and drinks, which is where I met her the first time if I remember it right. Our conversations were short, distanced, a little flirty but we rarely talked at all at those parties. I knew I liked her somehow, but I didn't have a clue that one day, we would get closer. A couple of months ago I randomly stumbled upon her profile on facebook. We added each other and had a short chat but that was it. We didn't chat anymore after.

Then, about 6 weeks ago there was another happening in the park with lots of friends, her and mine. During the evening I didnt really notice or talk to her, at least from what I remember but I think subconsciously I laid an eye on her from time to time. Later that night, a friend of mine suggested to move the party to a bar that he owns, a few people followed including her and her best friend. Finally, we were a group of about 10 people that just got really, really drunk together. This was one of the nights everyone got so drunk, that no one cared if they were the only one on the dance floor, the rest sitting at the bar in heated conversations and pouring out their hearts. When I went out to take a couple breaths of fresh air, suddenly, I was sitting outside with her to, I don't remember how it happened, what we talked about, but from one moment to the other we were running away together, we kissed, and we couldn’t stop, we kissed while walking all the way until we arrived at my place, and it must have taken a while because I remember it was dark when we left the bar and we could see the first sunlight coming through when we arrived. The only thing that I remember she said was: “But nothing serious alright!?”. In that moment I didn’t care, I didn’t accept it, I agreed but continued making out with her as passionate as before, as if what she said didn’t matter, or shouldn’t matter. At my place, it got really passionate. I wanted to make her feel good and she was able to let go. From the moment we ran away from the bar and first kissed, I knew this girl was special.

Two days later she came back to my place because she forgot a hoodie at my place. I wasn’t sure if she would stay. We talked for almost an hour, but we weren’t able to concentrate on what we talked about, and it didn’t matter what we talked about, we forgot all about it a minute later anyway, it was like magic, the tension pulled us together, we cuddled, we kissed, the feeling was there again, the love, similar to the first night with her. It didn’t take very long and we were done with talking. T next few hours we were busy in bed. She stayed overnight again but had to leave early in the morning. When I showed her the door, she almost left without saying goodbye so I pulled her back gently and said: “Hey! You are not gonna say goodbye to me?”. I could see that her mind was wandering but she turned around, tired and confused, kissed me one last time and said goodbye. I smiled for a long time and couldn’t believe how happy I was.

Time went by, I went on a sailing trip for the weekend. We talked on facebook every other day. I basically asked her how she was doing and showed her that I thought about her and that I haven’t forgotten her. The last night of my sailing trip she wrote me at 2 am that she was out with friend near my home and wouldn’t have minded to come over if I was there. Sadly, maybe destiny wanted it to happen that way, she went on holidays with her mum and grandmother the next day so another week went by without seeing her.

The time without her gave me a kick start in life. Using the relaxation of the sailing trip I tried to smoke less cigarettes and smoked no weed at all. (I have smoked a lot of weed daily for over a year before and smoked during other times in my life too.) A few days after I came back from the sailing trip I completely stopped smoking, I went cold turkey from one day to the other. I hated smoking anyway and I understood the addiction a long time ago. I just didn’t have the energy to stop because I have been in deep depressions for quite a while before I met this girl. I started jogging every day and learned how I can use it to clear my mind. I fought my gaming addiction to the point that now, I haven’t touched a single game in weeks, even though they are still on my computer. I have changed my mind against all those addictions through the love I got from this girl which I somehow managed to convert to willpower, confidence and trust in myself. (I have been into competitive gaming for years and was starting to become really good lately but it stressed and depressed the hell out of me as well.)

To be continued... (I still haven't arrived at the present yet, but I will try to get this done tomorrow so I can move on with working on the present happenings. Writing this feels very good though and ensures me of the good times I had with her. Lately my anxiety issues are getting worse, because we haven't met for a while and I tend to forget how good and true the love felt when I met her. I fear to lose her a lot and the situation right now is really testing my patience so I need to work on my present state as soon as possible.

Edited September 5, 2016 by Santhiphap

[Santhiphap]

Starting with affirmations

Today I started to do affirmations. Just starting with some simple ones to get going:

• I am always loving
• I am always confident
• I am always energetic

Last night I brought myself to sleep with an affirmations video on love. It really calms my mind as I struggle a lot to keep faith in the love I experienced lately with the woman I met. I think she is not ready to commit to someone new and I have to be very very patient not to pressure her in any way. I am pulling myself together to not talk to her for a few days, frequently, then I try to do a little step forward to show her that I am there for her and that I like her a lot. She always responds in a positive way, she never seemed to want me to stop showing her my affection but she gives back very little to me. This circumstance is exhausting for me, especially after waking up I often have lost faith and feel heartbroken which comes from bad dreams and my anxiety problems. I need a lot of time to relax, meditate, listen to the affirmations. Sometimes I look for things in the past that showed me her affection, things she said or the ways we interacted or the ways she looked at me, things that are undeniable. It feels like these things are the only thing to strengthen me at the moment and its so hard not to forget them during the daily life. I wish so much to have a new sign coming from her soon, so I can stay calm and trust in that we are moving on. I don't know how long I can wait. In times when I am filled with trust and confidence, I promise to myself that I will go through all the pain that comes and I will be as patient as I have to be even if it takes months or years until I have her let go of her fear of commitment, because that is what I think is the only thing that separates us right now. I promised myself that I will wait for her to be ready, because she is worth it.

Oh, she just wrote me a message right now! And it took me right back to feeling soooo much better. What a coincidence! Its incredible what the mind does with my feelings and confidence and how it can swap from one second to the other.

Here is the video I was talking about:

 

[dude]

@Santhiphap You can only edit your posts for one day. So keep that in mind  

[Santhiphap]

@dude Thanks for reminding, guess I'll have to write the second part tonight then!  

Affirmations & Anxiety

Today I understood that I, personally should focus on specific affirmations for anxiety. Which is why I have written down the following affirmations on paper 60+ times and repeated them in my meditations:

1. I (now) let go of all my worries.
2. I am free of worries.

I felt that I had to repeat the first affirmation many times until I could felt ready for the second one. This has to do with my confidence. I had a few very bad panic attacks today because I had to work on some government paperwork which makes me really anxious At some moments it took me more than 10 minutes to calm myself to even focus on any affirmations, my mind, my ego wouldn't let me. I think I really felt the ego that tried to keep me from letting go. 

I also tried affirmations for energy, confidence, getting things done etc. but I felt how they overexerted me and I moved a step back to taking care of my anxiety.

Once thing I am curious about is protection of anxiety. I am good at retiring myself to my room, my calming music and soundscapes. I am good at letting go once I am in the right setting but once I go out there, the smallest trigger can put me back into anxiety or even a panic attack. What can or should I do about that? I can only think of two possibilities, either build up a mental wall not to let those triggers come through, or eliminating the triggers. Can affirmations work so much magic in my subconsciousness that they can truly eliminate those things that trigger anxiety in us?

I guess I just know way too little about anxieties and I will have to do some research on them and on ways to heal them properly.

Edited September 5, 2016 by Santhiphap

[Santhiphap]

First try of Strong Determination Sitting - Fear releasing from my subconsciousness - Feeling like a mountains top above myself.

Good morning everyone,

Today I started my day with writing down 10 things I am thankful for. Then I watched a quick video on SDS because I didn't really know what it is but I had a feeling that I should try it to improve my meditation performance. I started my session with a 45min goal, put on some nature sounds, one sound of the rain forest and one sound of a river stream. I put a timer of 45min on the river stream sound so I would realize when I had reached 45min but still have the rain forest sounds to slowly come back out of my meditation. I actually continued  another 45min after the river sound faded out so my session was almost 90min long.

I started by doing the slowest full body scan that I have ever done accompanied by affirmations as

• I am relaxing my head
• I am relaxing my face
• I am relaxing my throat, shoulders... and so on.. until I reached my feet.

After that I moved on with "I am fully relaxed", "I am letting go of fear", "I appreciate my feelings of fear, because they are giving me the signs to realize my subconsciousness", "I am welcoming my feelings so I can realize and let go".. and so on.

First it went easy but after a while I felt some discomfort coming up, fear came up and my fingers moved unwillingly, my nose tickled and I had to sneeze, I tried to accept these sensations and continue. A few times I drifted off just for milliseconds, when I stopped thinking, almost like falling asleep, just to pop back to reality with new fear and some unwilling quick finger movement. It felt like I was moving into my subconsciousness, picking up some of the anxiety and bringing it out to release it in a quick stream of energy. These moments where so quick and unexpected that I couldn't even understand the exact feelings that were being let go. I tried to immediately think about what just happened, I tried to get an understanding of the feeling that had risen but I couldn't. Maybe with a lot of practice this will become easier. The last thing I want to mention is something that I felt at the end of my session and I actually felt that way some times before while meditation. I felt like I my body was a huge mountain, thousands of meters high, and my head was the top of the mountain. It was like the real distance of my head and feet had shifted to kilometers and I felt like I was above all. This time, when I decided to stop meditating I tried to keep this feeling while "waking up", it didn't really stay but I think I still can feel it very little now.

I think I made some huge progress lately and I am excited what will be happening next.

PS: I am sure many have had similar meditation experiences and I will stumble upon some similarities if I read their reports but if you read mine please let me know if you have some quick explanations for my experiences. This would save me a lot of time. Thank you!

Edited September 6, 2016 by Santhiphap

[Santhiphap]

Good morning,

these are my new favorite affirmations that bring back the unlimited confident, never anxious child in me:

1.  Today brings me a step closer to my dreams.
2. I have come this far in life, and I deserve to feel proud of myself.

I found these affirmations in this wonderful morning affirmation video:

 

Edited September 8, 2016 by Santhiphap