I feel stuck spiritually

[BipolarGrowth]

I have done about a dozen trips mostly at high doses. Up to 5.87 grams of shrooms and 10 tabs of LSD. I’ve done shrooms, LSD, and ayahuasca (one time for aya). I’ve been meditating for a few years now although not too seriously (I have a lack of motivation for it that keeps me from doing it regularly enough to see results). I’ve had two satoris that lasted about one month total from meditation the one time I got serious. 
 

I have bipolar disorder and have had about three to four (it’s hard to remember) manic episodes triggered by my spirituality. The psychedelics have been responsible for three of the episodes, but meditation was mostly responsible for one. As soon as I’m manic I’m living in Christ Consciousness and sometimes God Consciousness (one time, incredibly profound)

Manic Stories Ep.  #1 - Becoming God (Awakening to God Consciousness)

Anyway that’s just some backstory so you get a little bit of what happens when I’m manic. I’m looking for something strong that isn’t psychedelics as they seem too risky for now. Meditation isn’t strong enough for the amount of dedication it takes (it simply is not feasible to expect me to meditate daily while I’m depressed and spending my energy trying to piece my life back together from my current episode). Self-inquiry might be an option. If you guys found some self-inquiry that is specifically potent that would be appreciated. 
 

I’ve also spent probably over 1,000 hours listening to spiritual content, so my knowledge is pretty spot on with a good amount of direct experience to back it up. I’m looking for a way to lock a spiritual state in permanently or in other words bring the ox home and train it to stay under my control. 

[Moksha]

Ponder this:

Then be it.

Edited November 14, 2020 by Moksha

[The0Self]

It's not meditation per se that pushes you along from a manic state to a more even state, or a depressed state to a more elevated state, etc. It's mindfulness. Consider objectifying your current mental state and various sensations and feeling tones happening in the moment, with relaxed diligent disinterest... like you're viewing the mind of another. Perhaps view these sensations through one of these lenses: the sensations are... momentary, inconstant, undeniably visceral (unsatisfactory), spontaneous, uncontrollable, or empty of their essence as being knowable. Anything you can see is not you. You are untouchable.

[Claymoree]

There isn't definite answer, If your "center" of existence does not feel involved, it will feel in no need to do anything, you will get older get more knowledge, but it will face same problem as since of beginning of time, knowledge grows, but nothing changes. 

You have to find that missing part, part that you are ready to let go of, but is also something that can't be taken away from you, as it is you. 

Maybe self inquiry of what is this might be good start. 

 

 

[BipolarGrowth]

@Moksha this is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. 

[Moksha]

@BipolarGrowth ? In the Wildwoods, there is peace.

[Preety_India]

@BipolarGrowth

Maybe you're just looking for peace of mind. Then there's no point in reading thousands of books on meditation and spirituality. 

Do you feel loved in life? 

How do you connect to the Center of your existence, your body and emotions? 

Do you feel in charge of your life? 

To grow spiritually we must be willing to continuously reconstruct ourselves, not holding onto what keeps us feeling safe and secure 

We can use fear and beliefs to empower us or hold us back from growth 

The mind is both the virus and the remedy, the problem and the solution. Some people just allow the mind to become so toxic through external fixation, it becomes self destruction. Awakening 

It’s not enough to use a state as sanctuary from the problems that persist...

Emotions keeps us in the mind and the mind keeps us in the emotions. 

Separation is not the actual, so it’s everything that is self deception. Hanging onto fears and beliefs that block us from becoming more vulnerable 

If you don’t grow within, we repeat experiences until we learn

It all comes down to perception 

We don’t live in a materialistic world, that’s the appearance of things 

The journey of empowerment is inward 

[Beginner Mind]

13 hours ago, BipolarGrowth said:

If you guys found some self-inquiry that is specifically potent that would be appreciated.

This is my favorite guided self-inquiry:

 

[The0Self]

This is what gets one un-stuck. Seriously. There are about a million things you could do, but if what you are is "stuck," maybe try this:

By Kenneth Folk

"

Forget about the tips and tricks. Forget about the centerpoint. Forget about the 3 characteristics. Forget about whether you think you are concentrated or not. Forget about what you think you know about meditation.

Every time you discover the "problem" with your meditation, note your reaction to that thought. Note the thought itself. Note once per second, aloud, for the duration of your sitting. Note catastrophizing, dramatizing, histrionics, self-pity, evaluation thoughts, impatience, despair, self-loathing, joy, triumph, scenario spinning, longing, desire for deliverance, irritation, doubt, bliss, absorption, distraction, fear, anger, rage, disgust, euphoria, hope, contentment, anticipation, softness, hardness, coolness, warmth, pulsing, burning, itching, throbbing, stinging, tingling, hearing, seeing, tasting, smelling, pleasant, unpleasant, neutral, petulance, futility, dullness, fatigue; what have I left out? Of course you would like some kind of a shortcut or a tip. There is no such thing. There is only the mastery of this simple technique. By the time you master this technique, you will be an arahat. If you distract yourself from this technique by trying to tweak the recipe, the warrantee is void.

"

Edited November 14, 2020 by The0Self

[ryuzaki]

This summer I had my 5th psychotic /manic phase. And right now I have my 5th depression phase. I feel you.

[Gesundheit]

Lose your ego.

[Ry4n]

Surrender into pure being, let go of the seeking for a while to simply practice do nothing.