Getting over someone, really need help please

[MrBON]

Hey everyone, i would really need help with a question. So i met a girl last November and at beginning we started as friends. She already had a boyfriend so i though, yes we ll be friends and that is it. However in time i started to get feelings for her. It was the first time i fell in love with someone. This happened through a few months. Then in March her relationship ended and when i tried to make a move i got rejected. This person really liked me as a person but she did not have feelings for me and therefore didnt a relationship. This made me depressed for a few months until i got over it in June. However, ever since i dont have feelings for her but my ego is very wounded. I feel like i was not good enough and all of that kind of shit. What makes things worse is that she also started liking someone else(nothing happened) who it seemed to be a higher value person than me. This really hurt me. I have interacted and met girls ever since, some very cool actually. However none of those make me feel the way that person did. It would be like eating pizza and after that eating some average rice or something. It is decent but nothing compared to the other thing. I feel like i wont feel like that about someone again. I also feel like girls like that are 1 in 1 million so i will not meet someone that cool again. I ve met over 100 girls in the last few years and none of them i felt such a connection with. Please what advice do you have for me? I am quite young,  so please do not be very harsh

I need to clarify that those 100 something girls i met i didnt do anything physical or romantic. I got to know them as people and connect and stuff but i didnt feel anything more than sexual lust

Thank you everyone!

Edited November 13, 2020 by MrBON

[SamC]

Been there, done that and it sucks. What has helped me is to realize that there are an abundance of girls out there and that this girl is not as amazing as you think. I get that it feels like no one will be as good as her but thats bullshit. If she don't like you - then you don't want her anyway.

This channel and video has helped me a lot. There are a lot of guys who have experienced similar things like you mate. You have the power to go out there and learn how to attract even better girls than her. Good luck!

 

[MrBON]

@SamC Normally yes, the thing is that i have interacted with a lot of girls. It is not like i am a super antisocial person that met 2 girls in his life and now it seems like that. I ve over 100 girls met and maybe 1-2 came close to this one in terms of how i felt and connection. Were you in this situation also?

Edited November 13, 2020 by MrBON

[SamC]

9 minutes ago, MrBON said:

@SamC Normally yes, the thing is that i have interacted with a lot of girls. It is not like i am a super antisocial person that met 2 girls in his life and now it seems like that. I ve over 100 girls met and maybe 1-2 came close to this one in terms of how i felt and connection

Yup I get it mate. A couple of months ago I thought I had meet my twin flame. Our connection was amazing..  like so fucking good, we knew eachother so well and could just sit in eachothers presence in order to gain energy and understanding about how we both felt. She friendzoned me though big time and I was heartbroken and cried rivers 3 days in a row..

It doesn't matter, she is not as good as you think she is. She won't fulfill you at all, even if you think she would. 

1: there are 100000 girls who are 10000 times far better than her and who will love you for your authentic personality.Go out and fucking find them

2: Realize and try to become directly aware that you don't need anyone to be fulfilled. That you as a man is already everything you need to be.

Edited November 13, 2020 by SamC

[MrBON]

@Keyhole Is it really healthy though to downgrade the value of people that reject you? She is honestly an amaizing person in every way, otherwise i would not fall so hard. But thanks for the advice though still

[Preety_India]

@MrBON  I think you should practice the power of letting go. 

I don't wish to demean or degrade this person because she is who you fell in love with but unfortunately she fell for someone else. But that's her right, she can be with whoever she wants to be with. 

However her choice has left you feeling bad and that's completely natural. Anyone in your place would feel the same way.

I believe what you say about her that she was this amazing person who you met and you felt like it was 1 in million. 

But you need to have this radical acceptance that sometimes things in life don't work out our way and we have to learn the truth the harder way. 

You could wish her good luck in life and slowly try to forget her by not thinking too much about her because if you keep thinking about her, it will keep hurting you and you will create a hurt cycle. Don't do that.. 

If she deserves love, you deserve love as well, please work on your self esteem. Often times we give so much importance to others that we forget ourselves. I think something similar is happening here. You have made her the apple of your eye but this apple is hurting you now. So keep the apple down and move on. Think that there are more wonderful things in life and this person is not the only source of happiness. 

Find acceptance and peace and find someone who doesn't reject you but accepts you for who you are and you'll much happier with that person. 

Hope this helps. 

[MrBON]

@Preety_India @Preety_India Thank you for your advice. The person is not with anyone so its not that he got chosen over me. I dont have feelings anymore and am on good terms with the person. It is just that my ego is hurt, not my heart at this point. I feel like i will not find someone so perfect FOR ME again and i will settle for mediocrity. I thought of starting dating and talking to a lot of girls hard after this covid bs ends since my place is on a lockdown rn which is horrible for my current situation (oh well)

[RendHeaven]

Check out my journal. Our situations are different, but maybe there's value there

My now-ex was a 10/10 and straight up dumped my dumbass. I guarantee she was superior to your crush by every measure (joking, but not really )

Except, I actually committed myself to her and got punished for it. Soooo... from my perspective, you are just really silly for being so attached to someone you haven't even had deep intimacy with (but then again all attachment is silly and I'm silly too!)

Hopefully at a minimum you can see how unoriginal it is to think, "nobody is possibly better than her!" and find some peace in that

In fact, I myself am finding peace in this very thread. You got this, brother.

[Preety_India]

@MrBON  yea I know that sucks. I guess Covid has really had a bad impact on people. 

 

 

[Sempiternity]

Realize that Now is all that there is. All thoughts happen Now. All memories are thoughts, which means memories can only happen right Now. Any interaction with the physical world can only happen Now. So Now is all that exists. Your entire Past is happening through memories, which are thoughts, that can only happen right Now. And you have a choice in what you do or think Now. Try it, think of a giraffe. You thinking of a giraffe proves that you have choice over what you think in Now.

This means you have a choice over the memories you chose to think about Now. The memories are not truths you are recalling, no more than that giraffe is standing right in front of you. Truth is what you tell yourself. It's the stories you tell yourself. Whether you tell a story of suffering, or one of joy, either are truth, as both are possible stories to tell yourself. Which one you choose is your truth.

And the next moment that truth/thought/memory doesn't exist, and you have a whole new opportunity to create a new thought/memory.

So if you really get this, you only tell yourself the stories that serve you. Tell stories that bring you joy. And don't tell stories that cause you pain. If you do tell yourself stories that cause yourself pain, ask yourself why? Are you a masochist that enjoys causing yourself pain by telling yourself these stories?

Realize that everything you said in this post is a story you are telling yourself, and you have a choice in that story. What happened in the Past doesn't exist, other than the story you tell yourself.

You are 100% responsible for the perceptions, thoughts, memories, actions, reactions and reality that you create Now. And as Now is all that exists. Choose wisely what you create. 

Edited November 13, 2020 by Sempiternity

[MrBON]

@Sempiternity It is good in theory but how do i actually embody that mindset?

[Sempiternity]

22 minutes ago, MrBON said:

@Sempiternity It is good in theory but how do i actually embody that mindset?

Practice. Being mindful of your thoughts. Taking what I said as a truth and embodying it every moment. If you do this enough, stories that don't serve you will fade away, and the stories that do serve you will be all that is left. The wolf you feed is the one that survives. 

[MrBON]

@RendHeaven I said perfect FOR ME not perfect in general. Value and connection are relative. Maybe she would be shitty match for you and your girl would be a bad match for me. When i say she was perfect i meant for me, not perfect for the whole world.

[MrBON]

@Keyhole A woman wanting to date me has not happened in my life, maybe 1-2 small crushes out of 100 girls 

[aurum]

@MrBON

You're stuck in the Soulmate Trap my friend.

This is where the ego tells you that "I just love them and no one else!", which allows you to avoid connecting with anyone else.

Don't get me wrong, I believe in soulmates. And getting rejected sucks.

But the love you are seeking is inside you.

You're trying to get more light by turning off the lights.

Instead, what you should be doing is shining as brightly as possible. Don't believe the lie you're telling yourself that there aren't other women out there you can connect with.

[Shin]

You need one way or another to be able to intuit that true happiness doesn't come from the outside.

If you really think about it, it doesn't make sense anyway cause where does come happiness ?

Your brain.

Why would you want something else to trigger your happiness receptor than you ?

Right now your are literally saying «I need this, this and this, then I will allow myself to be happy»

Wouldn't it be more amazing to trigger that whenever you want ?

[RendHeaven]

2 hours ago, MrBON said:

@RendHeaven I said perfect FOR ME not perfect in general. Value and connection are relative. Maybe she would be shitty match for you and your girl would be a bad match for me. When i say she was perfect i meant for me, not perfect for the whole world.

I like how you focused on my cheeky jab instead of self-reflecting. This is how you perpetuate your own suffering.

Just look in your response how personally attached you are to the idea of her as YOURS (you even bolded "FOR ME," lol), it's totally absurd.

I'm going to be extra harsh on you here to try and wake you up especially since you said not to be harsh  I've been in a similar position as you in the past, and looking back, I wish someone would've slapped me in the face.

 

Try not to take any of this personally. Try not to refute me or defend yourself. Any DEFENDING you do is simply more ATTACHMENT, do you see this?

• You have no idea what it's like to fuck her brains out as she creams all over your dick, utterly vulnerable and submissive. 
• You have no idea what it's like for her to have a panic attack in your arms, her tears soaking your shirt as she melts into a degenerate mess.
• You have no idea what it's like to make daily, small loving gestures to each other as a reminder of how grateful you are of each other.
• You have no idea what it's like for her to withdraw from you (or cry to you) because you hurt her.
• Or, maybe she's just incapable of being vulnerable... you wouldn't know.

I'm sorry, but all of these stories you spin about her being perfect is a total self-lie.

• You never really knew her or loved her. You only know and love your personal, constructed, and imaginary version of her.
• You "know" and "love" "her" as she appears through the lens of your worldview, your wants, and your needs.
• You don't know her or love her as she imagines herself to be, or as she appears to herself, nor do you know her or love her for who she actually is.

What's HER perfect man? From her point of view? What does she desire and aspire to? What is she like in the absence of men? Have you ever thought of this?

• "I'm not good enough for her" is NOT actually thinking of things from her point of view.
• "I'm not good enough for her" is your own personal fantasy. You're injecting yourself into her story. You've been loving your own self-injected story of her this whole time.
• Maybe for her, you're just not in the picture entirely. Can you imagine that, fully understand and empathize with it, embrace and accept it, be grateful of it, and deeply LOVE it?

This "perfect FOR ME" (in your own words) girl is 1% truth and 99% lie.

You made up "perfect" and then you tried to cram her into it. This is very unloving of you.

ME ME ME ME ME.

That's all you've said in this thread. Isn't that true? Scroll up and see. Every time you talk about her, it's really about you.

Is this surprising? Does it suck to have that pointed out? Don't fight it. Putting up a fight is more attachment, more ego, more self-deceiving.

Just drop this insane story and move on with life! She's simply not perfect. She's not.

          "But you don't understand, you don't know her like I do!"

She's. Not. Perfect. There are millions of girls out there that are better than her.

          "You don't get it, she's perfect FOR ME"

Nope, you're doing it again. ME ME ME. This is not love. This is TOXIC.

In fact, the more perfect you insist she is, the less perfect she actually is. You're totally blind until this clicks for you.

 

It's laughable that you have this idea of her as the best possible girl "for you" without even having dated her. I would be much less harsh if you actually had a long relationship with her and you were feeling this way, but that's just not the case.

When I was a teenager, someone grilled my ego on this forum, and I grew a lot from it even though it sucked at first.

I hope you choose to grow.

Sincerely, wishing you the best man 

Edited November 14, 2020 by RendHeaven

[Preety_India]

I agree with @Khr. Stop contact with her so that it's easier to forget. 

[MrBON]

@Khr Really like the last part of your advice "wants to be with you should be number 1 requirement". The thing is nothing happened between them anyway, just the idea of it hurted me. At this point i dont have feelings anymore, just my ego is hurt. Not my heart, at this point. 

Thanks for the advice though

[MrBON]

@RendHeaven Thank you for the advice, appreciate it. I think you are right. This being the first person i had strong feelings for makes it a total bitch of a situation. Would you recommend me to try to meet and date new people? I am already working on myself on other areas like contemplation, meditation, gym, university work etc.