I need someone to talk to about my thoughts, life situation and my family.

[Milos Uzelac]

I am not able to cope any longer, to sweep my emotions under the rug and keep the appearance of calmness in order to not hurt or please people and to go through the next work-week and upcoming text for English next week, which I need to study for today, tomorrow, and in Sunday, through the force of my own will, my body patterns, emotions, and mental focus and sharpness is wearing me down and tiring me too much for me being able to do it through force and reasoning and boasting myself as an earlier and through pure force of will. 

I need to discuss with someone my thoughts and emotions that have been plaguing me and suicidal imaginations and thoughts about my current life situation , my imagined and felt mother's connection with me and my imagined feelings of her feelings that she went through when she committed suicide and the similar behavior patterns, emotional patterns and reasoning and thought patterns that I notice sometimes, and now more oftenly within myself and that I display that I share with her in that regard and I can't discuss it with my family. I couldn because I need to keep a calm and collected veneer for them in order for me to not upset them and hurt them and I don't know currently what friends I would be able to discuss this with without it being too much for them and I don't know if I can afford to see a therapist again in my current sensitive life circumstances, not so much financial but familial wise.

( When several times now I feel a sudden surge of fear or was in a panicked mode, also from some thoughts and emotions that I had and I couldn't let go off of myself and my current life situation and family circumstances I went into and sat to meditate no my grandfather's bed, where my mother at the time, also when she was staying here in my grandparents home, was situated and lied on when she committed suicide in 2006. when I was 7., I felt an urge and impulse to go into that room that is in dark and lie down or sit down to meditate  because I couldnt keep myslef collected and my body calm, and not nervous when I sat down to finish studying of chapters for my in English at Monday. I had thoughts and emotions of my mother that surfaced up about her final hours and thoughts and feelings during them on that bed and my and family's and wider relatives resulting life trajectory from that event. There were mixed feelings and thoughts of grudge towards my mother from reasoning that she was responsible for the lacks in my upbringing for not being there and to teach me herself the strength, calm and endurance that she had when she was healthy and very succesful in her carreer and life, for deciding to move back to Serbia where people and life seem to much more difficult to deal with than in Canada and that I would have more of a sense of security for my future, job security not dependent on social connections and skills, which I currently l feel I severly lack her now due to my own huge wasted proportion of time in addictions, faults, missed experiences and opportunties in working on, cultivating and keeping social connections and relationships with people I felt at moments hared a similiarity with in terms of my life situation, interests, skills or personality, that I didn't work during my adolescent years and my 20's that most kids my age have been taught,clearned and mastered up until this point and have adapted to the rules of adult world here and know how to effectively and rationally deal with them in order to move forward in life and for putting me in the life situation that I am in currentlly now with my father and feelings that I want to escape this and join her and that I somehow need to muster the strength and endurance to meet the demands and challenges ahead that are in front of me).

Sorry for the grammar errors, I am writing this in a pretty desperate state just to get some things out of me that I have been sweeping under the rug and were unable to emotionally and reasonably open up to anyone in an adequate way in order to not just complain to anyone as an excuse to avoid work and challenges in life that I have to do and that is in front of me going ahead.

I will write more clearly in the future once I reasonably start to manage and articulate all these things and thought, emotinal and survival patterns that have been a heavy toll on me over this and last week, sorry for not being able to currently correct it now my whole body tense up and my mind can't really cope with it when I tried to do it.

I felt I needed to talk to someone, who can show me some compassion and understand me slightly about my thoughts and emotions, because I was unable today to no longer sweep it under the rug and keep my will and reasoning ability with people, situations and demands from reality in check, I felt and thought at moments, when I sat down to meditate for 20 minutes in my grandafther's room an hour ago, that I wanted to escape all of this by ending myself as an easier, less painful and less demanding route, and had thoughts and emotions come up about being willing to reincarnate as a bug or some other animal, but then feelings of guilt of not betraying the people that rely on me and some blurry memory from my childhood some short time after my mother commited suicide of me at 7. or 8. year's old answering to my father who asked me: ''If I would kill myself now, son, would you kill yourself with me." and answering to him: ,,No dad, I don't know about you but I want to live life.'' which caused me to wimper a bit and shed a tear afterwards when I rembered it, but at the same time led me to encourage myself in my head to not give up and to face what's ahead of me.

Sorry for writing in this manner I couldn't keep my thoughts and emotions clear, and was slightly unable and unwilling to invest mental focus and labor to write this more clearly and conscisely for people who read it to understand better, sorry for the succumbing to selfishness in that regard.

Thank's to anyone who is willing to have a conversation with me and willing to listen to my problems.

[UDT]

Damn that sounds though.. I know sometimes you feel like there is just no way out, but that's not true at all. Send me a msg and we can hop on a zoom call ✌️

[Milos Uzelac]

@UDT Thanks for replying and for the offer I have driven myself to a point of being very mentally and physically unstable up to this point. So I am at inability to chat with people currently. I don't know we are different time-zones so it will maybe be difficult to manage via zoom. 

[evgn]

Its always better to share your emotions and problems with someone rather than trying to ignore them... Even in the forum.

If you want someone to talk with you can DM me

[No Self]

Do your best with focusing for your studies. It is about learning to focus on a project and see it through as much as it is about the subject at hand. But in the bigger picture of life, what seems like a huge deal now will probably be completely forgotten even in a year or two. But it is very hard to have this perspective when in the thick of it.

I'm sorry to learn about what happened with your mother. I had a good friend in Melbourne who went through the same thing. It continued to affect him in terms of relationships with women. Her choice to end her life was not a reflection of lacking anything in terms of care for you, and she held on for as long as she could have. It would have been far worse if she had passed away when you were younger in terms of your psychological development. People who 'die' are all cared for on the other side so there is no need to worry about them.

It is best not to compare yourself and your progress with those of your peers. You have gone through much more trauma and are developing far more depth and substance. It will appear that you are less developed until you realise how shallow and sheltered they all are by comparison. When the time comes for you to give advice to others in very dark situations, you will understand the spiritual value in being a survivor of some of the harshest experiences life can offer. You will no longer envy sheltered people.

Regarding the more mundane aspects of mental health, the consensus is that anti-depressant medication and therapy are ideal. If neither is an option, the next thing needs to be focusing on spirituality. It is important to immerse yourself in spiritual teachings and high quality people as much as possible, because the old programming of the mind (the 'sad story of me') will return in full force as soon as you stop. I have often used a strategy of listening to Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now audiobook on repeat, over and over, whenever possible. The goal is to discover who you are without your story, and whether the story is even as real as it seems.

[kag101]

Omg, all of what you went through must have been so traumatic.

Mental illness has a big genetic component. As with any other illness: the sooner you treat it, the better.

Have you ever talked with a psychologist? The college that I studied at had a Student Psychological Services, which can be helpful.

[Milos Uzelac]

@No Self

@kag101 @evgn

I am sorry to all of you for ignoring your advice and not being willing and not checking afterward about the rest of the responses that appeared on this thread for life situation advice and answers for me. I am re-visiting this thread because I had a similar mind and emotional hit just now similarly when I wrote this thread when I was reading from and studying from a book for an  English exam on 15th of November, this time I attempted to force myself to study and stay focused to read a more demanding and thicker book that I need to read as a part for an obligatory written paper I need to send for a crucial exam on 29th of December, under similarly felt crucial life obligation circumstances and challenges, when I wrote this thread the strong thought identification pattern with my mother and of me reliving a part her state of being right after she committed suicide 15 years ago exactly on 25th of December 2005. as my father told me on Saturday and he felt similarly strong emotional pressure and composure difficulties because of the nearing of that date that he justified as the reason why he mistreated and yelled out of panic and fear at my grandmother, which I now live with, for being suspicious she will leave a larger part of my passed grandfather's apartment to his sister than him and emerged used to justify the strongly felt victim mentality that I can't do this now for my life, challenge and mental growth sake and for the sake of other's, especially financially my father, who's consequences of me not being able to give enough exam's means that I will lose my mother's pension which helps me finance my studies in the first place and which my father relies on to cover the expenses of his apartment and which means I would lose the ability to finance my studies and would have to find and work a job with no qualifications and almost no work experience and skills. 

Sorry again for not responding to your comments and advice earlier and taking them heart during that time a month ago but I will re-read them and strive to take them to the heart during this very critical and hard time for me in order to achieve some of the necessary tasks I need to accomplish in order to be able to participate in exams that my main motives, thoughts, and feelings during the day now direct me and push me towards achieving them for financial as well as for above-mentioned reasons but also a part of me that I try to re-surface through short meditation  routines during the day from time to time for needing to experience this as a challenge that will determine will I be able to do this for the sake of me being fulfilled, relatively secure of remaining a student for the next couple of months and not needing to leave faculty as a result immediately and look for a job and happy and other people that partly rely on me and the outcome of these exams obligations and upcoming exams that I need to register.

 

[kag101]

@Milos Uzelac Good luck on your exams! And I hope the financial situation of your family gets stabilized so you can study without worrying about seeking a job. 

Keep us posted!  

[No Self]

4 hours ago, kag101 said:

Keep us posted!  

Yes indeed.

All the best, friend.

[How to be wise]

@Milos Uzelac Everything in life is a gift. And yes that includes your suffering. Just trust that you’ll be alright in the end (you will be!).

[Milos Uzelac]

I am contemplating suicide now at some point daily for the past two months. I have severely undermined my ability to care for my fate and for the fate of others. I am refusing to accept the pressure that is expected from me from a part of my family from my father's side, my deceased grandfather and my grandmother and father, to be enduring and become strong and independent with completing my goal of passing exams for some subject and achieving state-financed studying next year or self-finance but finding and earning a living from some employment or job to pay for it. What's pushing me forward is the possibility of still being able to achieve this. But I have rejected a lot of the theories and advice on this channel on how to get out some misconceived notion of my pride. 

The main mental and life situation problems are stoping me from seizing all responsibility for my life in my hands and wanting to fulfill my dreams and wishes for my future self:

1. I consistently refuse or don't have the strength and endurance to stand up to my father now who raised me as a kid and was always there with me and buying me stuff when I was a child and I deluded myself mentally even though I am feeling bad when I do this that I don't want to do this because he is equally dependent on me because of my deceased mother's pension as well as I on him because he buys me stuff that I need and gives me food in our apartment that we inherited from my deceased mother's savings that made it possible to purchase it.

2. My lack of caring for anyone including myself even though I amused myself with a newly released documentary by Adam Curtis last weekend

3. A constant or consistent sense of alienation and being a stranger to the patterns of this country that I live in (Serbia) dominant culture and values and life patterns when I walk through  society and do everyday life activities

4. My refusal to accept that I need to be strong and struggle now for the sake of not just myself but others in my family - the state of deep alienation, nihilism, and a consistent lack of love and caring for others and thinking about others feelings in my family and their history (which I now know but fail to appreciate their struggle and life and for the need and the pressure for me to carry on the torch that they have worked so hard and sacrificed in their life for - to have decedent and a grandson and son that is strong, independent, and will care for them and appreciate and somehow pay back what they did for him), alive and deceased, that take care of me and have given so much to me when I was a kid and later when I was an adolescent and studying here for my exams while my grandfather was alive and with my grandmother.

5. The deep sense of betrayal that I feel I have inflicted on my previous envisioned goals and values therefore on those that wanted me (especially my deceased mother) that wanted me to be successful and carry on the torch to care for myself and my father, her and my grandmother and grandfather and to the part of her family that is still alive and especially my young little sister and aunt and uncle and grandmother and grandfather which I avoided and missed an opportunity to call and hear from on a short state holiday here - because I wanted to watch and see all the parts of Adam Curtises newly released docuseries on the history and causes of the current state of power in the world and it's sourced in the modern world and how it came to be in order to then have a mental power trip that I know and care about what other people fail to see or don't care about all in surviving their day to day lives.

6. The lack of empathy which I now feel to my closest family - my grandmother, father, and aunt how I am in most regular contact with - and sense of not feeling love and care towards them - and not caring for myself

7. Feeling that I am a degradation and degeneration of my grandfather's character, social standing, and life achievements and accomplishments and willpower, and my father's 

8. I am forgetting what I promised people I know and I am friends with would do and then not doing then and then still approaching them to ask them how they are - out some vague emotional impulse - even though I completely forgot and didn't do what they asked me to do. 

9. 

If I can talk to someone via zoom or any other platform to better articulate and express this emptiness and total lack of care which I sometimes feel towards my self and to my family's reaction of my state and thoughts and plans and feelings (which popped up consistently from time to time over to find a way to roll over, give up and lie down in my mother's apartment and kill myself and die together with my father (who I know still wants to live I think even for himself - because I suspect he finds meaning and purpose and satisfaction in teaching skillfully and talentedly English and German in order for them to mostly leave the country and have better opportunities and earn more while working abroad (mostly in Germany) where they have to know some of the languages)

There are so many thoughts of regret and betrayal that are streaming through my awareness even when I sit still and close my eyes, I am having spasms and contriving my muscles around my faces even when I sit still to contemplate for just 10 minutes and I am shaking my legs from the anxiety but it calms down after the end of the session.

I am having resistance reimmersing myself in Leo's content because I have lost the faith in myself that I am able to apply it in order to save myself and my life from these feelings and impulses that are threatening to lead me to death, dying, and self-annihilation and feel the loss of faith of is still applicable in going through and surviving in society.

When I am writing this I realize the total lack of my own self-awareness to the response of others to this - I have stopped caring truly about how it will impact other people - I am consumed with my own negative thoughts and anxieties about my own future. The excuses in find are caring about my father's approval and love, my deeply imagined connection with him when he raised me as a child and after my mother passed away and the role and mission I have which I feel failed miserably is to be a sort of calm and collected, mentally strong and introverted person for him while - like a replacement of my mother's character for him I imagined - for him to keep moving forward in life and to see my mother's dream fulfilled of me growing up into a strong and independent figure as she imagined herself to be and certainly had to prove for it in her life achievements and stories that people told about her character and personality. I try to think that I writing this for you guys who kindly and put the effort to respond to me and give me advice two months ago and a month ago in this thread when the patterns of this procrastinated existential crisis came to the fold triggered by the realization of my grandfather's passing and the need that I can't hide just under the responsibility of being a student but also grown adult and earning a living for myself. 

All the resistance, all the mental and emotional labor and hardships, all the distractions, and all the excuses revolve around refusing to be independent and to take responsibility for my own decisions and their consequences, letting go that I have to always be at the disposal of my father, letting go of the past and the idea of being lesser in life than my grandfather and mother in terms of character and life-achievements and also my father to an extent.

I am still feeling that it's my father partial fault in raising me where I had to consistently when he was not caring or empathizing with another be the devil's advocate in that situation and be emotional and empathizing with one and when I failed at this (even though this I reconstructed it in my thoughts and the head is the seeds of me not taking responsibility for myself and forcing myself to become independent for failing to earn state-financed studying and retreating into video games and pornography in 2018. away from the social reality and my peers in that year and as a result becoming severely depressed and isolated (feelings which I later forgot about and repressed)  willingly admitting myself into a psychiatric clinic for adolescents to get a psychiatrists approval of being able to re-start the year on state finance again - this money trap - that would provide a sense of security for me and my father who just recently got a job as a private teacher of English and German in a private school.

The motive behind me writing this is so that I can express somewhere the things inside me that I thought about and felt often about my current life situation and that ate me away inside and that led me to this state of severe lack of love and care about others and the effort to reach out to them and help them that afflicts me now. And the hope if someone has the time and effort to go through this and have a conversation with me so I can peel layer after layer of this of and express my emotions and thoughts more clearly and articulately through writing - which I deeply regret not doing each time a million thoughts, images, and bad feelings connected with them rushed through my head - so I can better understand their source and their cause and return to it once they reappear.

My deep underlying emotional and thought attachment I had over the past couple of months the idea of me fighting for myself, resisting my father's demands and caprices, and arguing against him and them in order to focus on me and striving to become independent of him equalling casting my father away and a sense of attachment and dependence I had with him ever since I was a kid - a sense that I have a strong bond with him, especially after my mother passed away, that I can't just severe away through force. And this I feel is one of the factors, the unwillingness to stand up for myself and strive to become an independent self-reliant and self-motivated, and directed individual of him as I emotionally felt that It meant letting go of my father and care about his state and feelings - even though he is now a very negative, toxic and self-oriented person a lot of the time - and he has been in this state of giving up on fighting for himself and for living an independent life as an adult and taking care of himself and his health ever since my mother passed away - and the period when he didn't work and when we lived on only my deceased mother's pension - which I now by constantly having a need to return to the past and what I lost and missed opportunities in it and chances that I would imagine would radically influence the development of my habits and character.

P.S. I wrote all this when I was in a very bad emotional and mental state two days ago, but for the reason of being fearful of posting it in this unfinished form that night when I wrote it, I procrastinated on it and left this text unposted out of the feeling that I am writing gibberish to myself and not asking for a coherent response and answers with advice and some principles from people in order to really re-read them and try to start applying them in my life in order make myself feel better and start fixing my unhealthy state of mind and emotion with the motive of getting all these thoughts and feelings that I felt at that time out of me,  in order to also feel that I have very slightly reintegrated into this site's community and teachings and lessons after a long time of being inactive and procrastinating of coming back out of the guilt that I have betrayed people who wanted to help me and remind of me the principles, although I had episodes of these thoughts and feelings occurring when I am alone at night.

So in the following post on this thread, I will try to outline and describe so it can be clearly understood after a period of contemplation and self-reflection on myself, my state of mind and emotion the following: 

1. My current life and lifestyle main sins and problems. I emphasize the word sin here - because I had feelings and thoughts when contemplating on my self, my current life situation, my relationships with people who are related to me and close in the sense of family (especially my aunt from my deceased mother's side and her little daughter (though not so little now as she turned 12 last year) or my little cousin (though the closeness demand implied from the start was that I would be like her actual older brother - which I thoroughly often think and feel that I have miserably failed one by not seeing here or calling her more often when I had objectively plenty of free time  to ask how she was doing and what she was doing for the last almost 3 - 4 years in retrospect) ,and my responses and behavior to the environment and people around me that I need to urgently start redeeming myself if I want to save myself (my biological life in the literal sense of wanting and having the will to live), my humanity, compassion towards myself and others, my rationality and mental health in order to be functional in society and have the ability to properly work and perform tasks in the employment field in order to be able to earn a living for myself and eventually learn to be slightly independent and self-reliant on my life in contrast with my current lifestyle and family dependence and  finally my sanity and satisfaction with myself and my life.

2. An apt description of my current state of mind and feelings - though I should probably move all these points in a journal.

3. Being grateful for being born as I am and who I am and thinking of how to express that gratefulness and pay it back to people who made it possible and the person who wanted me to be born and alive in my conception and in the first place (First and foremost my deceased mother towards who I now often feel numbing guilt I have betrayed in terms of the life and achievements that I would accomplish at this point in my ad and what she wanted for me and in turns of finding a way to make her, her personality and life achievements are known to other people and living a blog and trace of her appearance and biography somewhere online - because I thoroughly often think and feel guilty of and guilt about that she deserved it from my father and me in terms of what she did for us, our lives and what kind of life that we now live she made possible for us), my grandmother (who I have at crucial times hurt, betrayed promises towards and mistreated in the past three months after my grandfather passed away) even though she didn't deserve it all and she is always ready to help me and take care of me and is las she said openly to myself what is driving her to live is the desire and wish too see me become mature and become independent and my own 'man' and to see me happy about myself and my life because that, as I have seen and felt, makes her happy.

4.Underpinning and explaining the recurring feeling I have of why I have the feeling I don't deserve anything or a lot of the things I have now in my life (including the people close to me, friends, material status, and source of revenue, etc.) which is causing the effect of me having a numbing depressive feeling and a deep sense of alienation from my former self and to others close to me.

Note: I will finish this text after I go out to see a friend tonight here and will temporarily post it now in this unedited form and will edit it later.

 

 

 

 

[Yahya]

@Milos Uzelac Hey, I am always here and you can always DM me. Listen, you are not the first person to do this. I was at the same situations as you and I overcame it. I will DM you if you need me to. Let me know.