Negative view on sex

[Shin]

4 hours ago, Keyhole said:

@somegirl I'm in the same boat I used to be more interested in sex until I had sexual experiences in my late teens up until mid twenties - and then I realized that it's not all it's made out to be.

I don't think that your views are wrong, I mean, if you think about it, there's a lot more negatives than positives when it comes to sex.  You open yourself up to being abused or treated as an object or being given an STD or getting pregnant.  People don't view you appropriately anymore.  Men might drag your name through the dirt and jealous women will try to make you out to be the type of woman that you're not.

If you manage to find a guy that's really good at sex, it's because he slept with a lot of women.  This means more than likely you're nothing more than a number in that person's eyes.  Men generally don't have an emotional connection towards anything, and this is something that can't be faked. 

So why is it a problem when there are all these negatives, I mean, look around you, you can see that when you put yourself on the sexual marketplace what problems it causes being a woman.  As emotional creatures we're sharing the innermost parts of our bodies with what is essentially nothing more than a robot that, you know, is laying on top of you.  You're nothing more than a body there to perform a service to keep them from feeling agitated for the rest of the day.

They even attempt to mechanicalize soul bonding processes, it's really quite ridiculous.

Ok that's maybe a lot of guys, but not all of them.

Jesus, of course sex is bad if you have that kind of beliefs running in your head everytime you meet a guy.

 

 

 

If he is your first guy you have sex with, the chance of him lying about his experience is quite high.

Either he doesn't know how to have good sex, or you're not as attracted to him as you might think.

The sex should be good according to what you said, so what you said is probably not true.

Not that you lied, but what you believe is true probably isn't.

@somegirl

[Shin]

9 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

Are the actions of others personal beliefs or are they observations?  
It seems as though my sentiments reverberate throughout the feelings of women, and have for thousands of years.
A lot but not all?
Well that's a problem.

"A lot of this food is poisonous, but not all of it.  Just most of it."

"SO which is poisoned?"

*shrug*

It that case, everything that I've said still stands.
 

There is very few guys that are actually :

• Extremely attractive (personality wise and with a purpose he diligently follows)
• Caring
• Seek monogamous relationship
• Good listener
• Know how to have good sex
   

99% of other guys don't have all that, and thus you will break up with them or not have sex at all with them.

And it doesn't stop there, cause if you want a guy like that, you need to give as much value if not more, otherwise he will just keep seeking for a girl with as much value as him, which is extremely rare too.

Every other relationship ends in divorce or break up.

This is the game you refuse to play

Edited November 13, 2020 by Shin

[Shin]

8 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

@Shin Personally what I've noticed is that if you are or were a woman that had or has that value, that men will actively seek to devalue you.  They don't really care so much about a woman's value in that sense as making sure that they can be more valuable than the thing that they covet, even if it means destroying that person in the process.

I don't play the game but I am connected to the larger collective as far as masculine and feminine energies go and so I'm turning away from masculine energy completely, and I do so knowing that it will create a reverberating effect along after I die, because spiritually the narrative was supposed to go in a different direction.

I'll wait until the men in my life have their life reviews of what would have been or could have been, knowing myself and how I behave in intimate relationships, there will be a long reverberating line of, "God damn it I really f***** up."

And it's true.

If love is nothing more than a marketplace and yet humans have the capacity to be so much more in that regard and choose instead to go this route, then I will always prefer the love of the divine over trivial petty human nonsense.

The risks and all the pain in the ass b******* that you have to deal with being in a relationship with another person is never worth risking your freedom for.  Only idiots fall in love with other people.

 

The wise fall in love with divinity itself.

8 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

@Shin If love is nothing more than a marketplace and yet humans have the capacity to be so much more in that regard and choose instead to go this route, then I will always prefer the love of the divine over trivial petty human nonsense.

Then you should do that now, that's actually pretty smart.

But if you want a relationship, and you seem to struggle with that, then you have to improve at the game one way or another.

It's not like both are mutually exclusive.

Game isn't a bad word, your whole life is a game you decided to play after all.

Edited November 13, 2020 by Shin

[Gesundheit]

44 minutes ago, Shin said:

But if you want a relationship, and you seem to struggle with that, then you have to improve at the game one way or another.

Myth.

[Shin]

Just now, Gesundheit said:

Myth.

Ok let me rephrase it.

If you want a healthy, fulfilling, long lasting, and sexually amazing relationship.

You have to play the game.

[Gesundheit]

Just now, Shin said:

Ok let me rephrase it.

If you want a healthy, fulfilling, long lasting, and sexually amazing relationship.

You have to play the game.

Still a myth.

Health is a relative notion.

Fulfillment can be achieved without game.

Longevity is a matter of luck.

Amazing sex is mostly about being in the moment.

[loub]

@somegirl  May I ask how old you are?

First advice I'd give is disrupt the narrative you have spun around the situation. It is not real and makes it impossible to see things clearly.

I can sympathize with your situation as I have and in part am still going through something similar. I can share some of my thoughts hopefully they can be of help.

The first thing is that sex is not simple. When two people with all their personal history, expectation, insecurity, etc... meet in such a way it will be very complex on a mental, physical and interpersonal level. It is not possible to be good at sex right away. Imagine if I sat you down in front of a piano and asked you to play me some Liszt. You'd probably laugh and tell me I'm stupid for expecting you to play when you have never done so(assuming that's the case here). But you wouldn't suffer for it. Why?

That's the second consideration. You had a simplistic, overly romantic image of how sex will be that reality couldn't live up to. But more importantly you had an image of yourself in relation to sex that you did not live up to. And you suffer for it. I'd look into that. What is true about you in relation to sex that drives the reactions you are now experiencing. How should you be and how are you actually? Be very honest and you will be able to get some space from those taken for granted assumptions, and be able to look at the matter with less noise and more clarity.

Then perhaps what you'll find is that you need to learn how to have good sex much like the piano. Discover what you like, and see the process of getting better as an exciting one.

Also don't let a lazy person like @flume () tell you good sex is a mans responsibility. There's so much a woman can do in terms of how open, spontaneous, receptive, present, humorous, intimate, safe she is and also in how cheeky, seductive charming she is. The responsibility for good sex is a shared one.

Hope some of this helps. All the best to you, don't beat yourself up. It will get better.

 

[flume]

28 minutes ago, loub said:

There's so much a woman can do in terms of how open, spontaneous, receptive, present, humorous, intimate, safe she is and also in how cheeky, seductive charming she is.

Yeah, if you do all that it’s over even faster

28 minutes ago, loub said:

The responsibility for good sex is a shared one.

Totally agree. Once you get beyond being completely hormone-driven that can happen. And it's beautiful 

36 minutes ago, loub said:

Also don't let a lazy person like @flume () tell you good sex is a mans responsibility.

All I'm saying is that it's great to have an orgasm every once in a while as a woman... But I guess I'm just lazy

@somegirl Hey, now that explains a lot if it was your first time. Just give it some time, most girls I know didn’t find their first time any good :-)

[somegirl]

@Gesundheit Lack of desire. Lack of wanting to experiment with it any more. Maybe it's just the person I'm with, maybe it's because I'm just generally unhappy with my life and therefore I might be emotionally unavailable or closed because of it. But I was hoping sex could still be amazing, even when things are not perfect in my life (after all, we hear people only wanting casual sex and are still able to enjoy it, despite not being emotionally available).

@loub Thank you for taking time to write all that!

1 hour ago, loub said:

How should you be and how are you actually? Be very honest

Amazing question. I am first and foremost not generally happy with my current life situation. And I am not therefore happy with myself. And everything stems from that. I imagined myself to be very playful in bed, very seductive, confident. I am none of that lol. I am 21 btw.

@flume It wasn't like one time and then I was disappointed. I did it the second, third, fourth time. It was a whole year almost, with the same person (and lockdown that prevented us from seeing each other). And I still feel the same.

I imagine this to be the same as kissing. When you kiss someone you really like, you feel butterflies. But if you kiss a stranger, you only feel meat rubbing against each other. Correct me if I'm having overly simplistic view on this.

Btw appreciate all the help and effort to help me! 
 

[Michael569]

1 hour ago, flume said:

Yeah, if you do all that it’s over even faster

[Shin]

1 hour ago, somegirl said:

@Gesundheit Lack of desire. Lack of wanting to experiment with it any more. Maybe it's just the person I'm with, maybe it's because I'm just generally unhappy with my life and therefore I might be emotionally unavailable or closed because of it. But I was hoping sex could still be amazing, even when things are not perfect in my life

(after all, we hear people only wanting casual sex and are still able to enjoy it, despite not being emotionally available).
 

Sex for women is extremely dependent on how open they are emotionally.

If you're emotionally open and vibrant, sex will be much much MUCH more satisfying.

The guy needs to play with that openness though, if he just rub his penis for 10 minutes in your vagina, that's not sex, that's masturbation through a warm whole.

 

[somegirl]

@Shin you mean foreplay must last longer? 

[Shin]

32 minutes ago, somegirl said:

@Shin you mean foreplay must last longer? 

Not just foreplay per say.

First and foremost, he needs to really wants to please you in his mind (not just through physical actions), because as a woman you are a feeling being, and you will sense consciously or not that he's sexing you for him or for you, and that already makes a huge difference.

For example, he might do everything perfectly physically, but you could still feel that he's mostly doing it because he thinks it's necessary and he would be seen as selfish not to do it, not because he wants you to have an amazing time.

In the first case it's a transaction, in the second case he actually cares.

 

Then long foreplay or not isn't really a problem in and out of itself, it's about the (above) mindset before, during and even after sex.

If he has this mindset, the sex is gonna be great, even if it last 10 minutes, if he does not, you might be physically pleased, but you'd still feel psychologically unsatisfied and used.

If a guy has this mindset, even if he hardly even had sex, it would be 10 times more satisfying than a guy without this mindset but with lots of experience.

That's because you don't really care about performance, you care about how the guy makes you feel, and that's not something that can be quantifiable by how long he can last, what kind of crazy positions he can do, or how much technical precision he has with his fingers.

 

 

[Gesundheit]

4 hours ago, somegirl said:

@Gesundheit maybe it's because I'm just generally unhappy with my life and therefore I might be emotionally unavailable or closed because of it.

That must be it. Your awareness is focused on something else currently. You want to sort somethings out before you can allow yourself to be present. Using sex as an escape does not usually work for women. You need to be at least somewhat feeling safe and unstressed for you to be able to manifest sexual desire. The first chakra needs more care of you so that it can transfer your energy to the next chakra, there's something blocking the energy (which might even be low in the first place due to feeling unhappy).

So basically, I think you need safety + relaxation + happiness (being present). These are things you can work on and develop by taking your time to understand yourself better and treat yourself better.

P.S. Diet can affect your mood and desires too so consider playing around with your food intake.

Edited November 14, 2020 by Gesundheit

[Globalcollective]

@somegirl The first couple of times I had sex it wasn't the greatest in fact it kind of sucked. It did take awhile before it started getting really good and for me to understand my sexuality. I would really hold out on having an judgement on it until you get more experienced in it. Also start researching and practicing different ideas and philosophy on sex like tantra ect. Also start doing some deep inner work on any traumas you may have regarding your sexuality and self image. The more free you become generally means the better sex you will have. The idea that a man has to have slept with alot of women for him to be good in bed is nonsense. Its actually quite easy to learn sex, way easier then say learning Jujitsu or meditation, find a guy you have good chemistry with and who will respect you and go explore and grow. Even if he sucks he can learn whilst with you some good channels on youtube about this too. Even Leo did some videos about sex back in the pre 5meo up the anus days. 

Edited November 14, 2020 by Globalcollective

[Shin]

2 hours ago, Globalcollective said:

@somegirl Even Leo did some videos about sex back in the pre 5meo up the anus days. 

 

[mandyjw]

You shouldn't be afraid of catching an STD from your partner. If he's not really committed or you don't trust him, maybe you're trying to be cool and ok with something you really aren't cool and ok with? You need a partner that is safe to lose yourself with and then you have to drop the blockages that are your own from that point on. Do not proceed to point B without making sure that point A is taken care of. 

If you are having problems orgasming, look into that on your own. Learn. Explore. Tell your partner about it. If he doesn't care about it, that's not a good sign. Sex is about giving pleasure and then learning that what reeeally gives your partner pleasure is also giving pleasure, until no one knows who is giving or getting. 

Do you believe or did you have expectations about how you're supposed to have sex and that it's supposed to be amazing? Sometimes what we think something should be gets in the way of what it is and sex is all about being present. Instead of thinking about what you fear and what you do not want, let your imagination roam. Focus on what you do want. How else will you discover what turns you on if you aren't willing to explore your own experience? 

Forget what you think your sex life should like, or what you think other people's sex lives are like. Forget about how it's not what you thought. No experience is what we thought it would be. Be only interested and focused on your own experience.

Edited November 14, 2020 by mandyjw

[Shin]

11 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

You shouldn't be afraid of catching an STD from your partner. If he's not really committed or you don't trust him, maybe you're trying to be cool and ok with something you really aren't cool and ok with? You need a partner that is safe to lose yourself with and then you have to drop the blockages that are your own from that point on. Do not proceed to point B without making sure that point A is taken care of. 

If you are having problems orgasming, look into that on your own. Learn. Explore. Tell your partner about it. If he doesn't care about it, that's not a good sign. Sex is about giving pleasure and then learning that what reeeally gives your partner pleasure is also giving pleasure, until no one knows who is giving or getting. 

Do you believe or did you have expectations about how you're supposed to have sex and that it's supposed to be amazing? Sometimes what we think something should be gets in the way of what it is and sex is all about being present. Instead of thinking about what you fear and what you do not want, let your imagination roam. Focus on what you do want. How else will you discover what turns you on if you aren't willing to explore your own experience? 

Forget what you think your sex life should like, or what you think other people's sex lives are like. Forget about how it's not what you thought. No experience is what we thought it would be. Be only interested and focused on your own experience.

Best answer so far

[Danioover9000]

@somegirl

On 11/11/2020 at 8:01 PM, somegirl said:

I haven't always had a negative view on sex. I was actually pretty non-judgemental about it, open, confident, I embraced my feminine sexuality through clothing  and my behaviour, posture, gesture, the way I walked, spoke, and was very proud, seductive, free. I imagined once I start being sexually active, I will probably get addicted to it etc.

But ever since I started being sexually active, it's not as I imagined it to be. 

I'm definitely a different person now, considering how differently I think about those stuff now. It's actually shocking, I'm actually different. The fire has been extinguished.

Now all of a sudden I have fear of pregnancy (being super careful), fearful of catching STDs, I am timid and embarassed about having sex, I don't want to have sex as much, I don't have confidence, I am not flirtatious and seductive in general. My views about sex has drastically changed. I locked my sexuality.

I would be fine not having sex for the rest of my life, that's how I feel.

I obviously have a serious problem and I would appreciate your answers and what I need to do to make things a little more enjoyable in bed. 

   Some questions for clarity, before I give my suggestions:

   Are you currently dating, or not dating?

   If you are dating, for how long?

   How non-judgmental are you really? You never were judgmental in your life at all?

   How open were you to sexuality?

   How often are you confident in your sexuality?

   What did you do to embrace your feminine sexuality? Is it femininity, or sexuality, you were embracing?

   Is feminine sexuality limited to clothing?

   How proud are you with your sexuality?

   Does changing you behavior, posture, and gesture, fixes your problems with sexuality?

   If you feel fine with not having sex at all, then why do you want to change that?

   Is this feeling fine coming from the body, or the mind?

   What's obvious about your problem, when you said it feels okay not to have sex at all?

   Where are these fears of pregnancy and catching STD'S coming from? 

   If you are timid and embarrassed about sex, what else are you timid and embarrassed about?

   Why have you locked in your sexuality? Is that even possible?

   What did you imagine sexual activity to be?

   How long did you have this negative view of sexuality?

   What situation gave you this negative view? And who told you, or taught you, or showed you this negative view of sexuality?

   Where in your body do you feel negativity towards sexuality, or where in your mind?

 

Edited November 14, 2020 by Danioover9000

[No Self]

Not sure if it has been mentioned before, but loss of interest in formerly enjoyable activities is a key symptom of depression.

Seeing the limitations of sex is also a sign of spiritual maturity. Sex is only a small aspect of love, and this energy when devoid of love, acceptance and wisdom causes all sorts of trouble.