Negative view on sex

[somegirl]

I haven't always had a negative view on sex. I was actually pretty non-judgemental about it, open, confident, I embraced my feminine sexuality through clothing  and my behaviour, posture, gesture, the way I walked, spoke, and was very proud, seductive, free. I imagined once I start being sexually active, I will probably get addicted to it etc.

But ever since I started being sexually active, it's not as I imagined it to be. 

I'm definitely a different person now, considering how differently I think about those stuff now. It's actually shocking, I'm actually different. The fire has been extinguished.

Now all of a sudden I have fear of pregnancy (being super careful), fearful of catching STDs, I am timid and embarassed about having sex, I don't want to have sex as much, I don't have confidence, I am not flirtatious and seductive in general. My views about sex has drastically changed. I locked my sexuality.

I would be fine not having sex for the rest of my life, that's how I feel.

I obviously have a serious problem and I would appreciate your answers and what I need to do to make things a little more enjoyable in bed. 

[Shin]

There may be other reasons,

But have you heard of asexuality and greysexuality ?

[Preety_India]

I totally agree on the STDs part. I get totally freaked out on that one. 

 

[somegirl]

@Shin I don't think I am either those sexual orientations. I used to be so excited about it! I couldn't wait to have it.

I think something else is wrong.

[Shin]

1 minute ago, somegirl said:

@Shin I don't think I am either those sexual orientations. I used to be so excited about it! I couldn't wait to have it.

I think something else is wrong.

How do you feel when you have sex ?

When there is a man that is super attractive, do you want to have sex with him (sexual drive in your body, not thoughts) or just to be around him ?

[somegirl]

11 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I totally agree on the STDs part. I get totally freaked out on that one. 

 

Yeah, especially because girls are more prone to catching certain STDs than guys statistically. We have to be more careful. And not to mention - pregnancy.

But even despite all of this things, I see girls not bein so anxious and worried about it... And they love sex.

[Preety_India]

@somegirl yep

[somegirl]

7 minutes ago, Shin said:

How do you feel when you have sex ?

When there is a man that is super attractive, do you want to have sex with him (sexual drive in your body, not thoughts) or just to be around him ?

I am heterosexual for sure.
I don't feel that amazing feeling everyone is talking about. 
I used to have high sexual drive up until I actually started being sexually active. Then it stopped, magically.

 

Edited November 11, 2020 by somegirl

[Shin]

2 minutes ago, somegirl said:

I am heterosexual for sure.
I don't feel that amazing feeling everyone is talking about. 
I used to have high sexual drive up until I actually started being sexually active. Then it stopped, magically.

 

Did you have an awakening around the time you started having sex ?

[somegirl]

1 minute ago, Shin said:

Did you have an awakening around the time you started having sex ?

Enlightment? No, not at all.

[RendHeaven]

Let me guess - you got with some really incompetent (awkward, selfish, hurtful, boring, etc.) people 

[somegirl]

1 minute ago, RendHeaven said:

Let me guess - you got with some really incompetent (awkward, selfish, hurtful, boring, etc.) people 

My bf is actually has a lot of experience in it.
It might be because of emotions I feel. Or lack thereof. 

 

[RendHeaven]

14 minutes ago, somegirl said:

My bf is actually has a lot of experience in it.
It might be because of emotions I feel. Or lack thereof. 

Fucking a lot of girls (aka "experience") does not equate to competence.

Part of sexual competence is bringing emotions out of your partner - something he's clearly not succeeding in.

At the same time, maybe you're not really trying either... it goes both ways

 

I think all I'm trying to reveal here is that yes - even though this is a personal, internal issue - your partner nonetheless plays an enormous role since sex is a shared experience.

If your partner is not making you feel incredible, that's his deficiency. Don't beat yourself up for that!

[somegirl]

6 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

Fucking a lot of girls (aka "experience") does not equate to competence.

Part of sexual competence is bringing emotions out of your partner - something he's clearly not succeeding in.

At the same time, maybe you're not really trying either... it goes both ways

 

I think all I'm trying to reveal here is that yes - even though this is a personal, internal issue - your partner nonetheless plays an enormous role since sex is a shared experience.

If your partner is not making you feel incredible, that's his deficiency. Don't beat yourself up for that!

Thanks for your consolation.
Maybe it's him, maybe it's me not being too into it.
And/or inner problems I have.
But I was reading how no matter how much you might love someone, that it is not guaranteed that the sex will be great too. Love is not enough. And as a matter of fact, sex might be amazing between two people who don't love each other at all.

[flume]

1 hour ago, somegirl said:

But ever since I started being sexually active, it's not as I imagined it to be.

I hate to break it to you, but sex just doesn't feel amazing for most woman. I think most girls have the "I thought this was gonna be amazing"-experience when they start sleeping with men. And then they think they're doing something wrong and distrust their feelings about it.

Good sex is not a given, especially for women. You need a guy that a) really turns you on and b) knows what he's doing. And honestly, 99% of guys have no clue what they're doing. Sure, you can do some research as well, but good sex is mostly a man's responsibility (because he's leading).

Look into tantra. Maybe together with your bf.

If you really think it's an emotional issue, consider therapy. Maybe some disappointing/ traumatic experiences occurred when you started sleeping with men. That can easily shut you down.

[Shin]

19 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Thanks for your consolation.
Maybe it's him, maybe it's me not being too into it.
And/or inner problems I have.
But I was reading how no matter how much you might love someone, that it is not guaranteed that the sex will be great too. Love is not enough. And as a matter of fact, sex might be amazing between two people who don't love each other at all.

How much time does he dedicate to foreplay ?

Does he even do it without you asking ?

[aurum]

@somegirl

I’m going to echo what some other users have said. My guess is you had some bad sexual experiences and you maybe don’t even realize it. I could be wrong, but that’s the feeling I’m getting.

I’m saying this because most women I’ve met don’t walk away from truly amazing, soul expanding, beautiful sexual experiences feeling “meh” about it. 

Usually that happens because the sex was meh. Or worse.

[somegirl]

@flume interesting. Honestly I didn't know it was mostly man's rensposibility.

But if sex doesn't feel that great for women in general, why they do it over and over again? Just to satisfy the guy? Even though she doesn't really enjoy it as much as he does?

[somegirl]

@aurum I didn't have many sexual experiences (partners), only one.

Edited November 13, 2020 by somegirl

[Gesundheit]

Is it a negative view that you have or just a lack of libido?

If it's just the perspective you have currently, then it's easy to solve.

If you actually lack the desire, then it's really hard to know why. It could be something organic in your body or in your brain chemistry/psyche. And this you gotta check up with a specialist.