Mixed Childhood Feelings Coming Up

[Blue Hour]

Hey People,

Im in a therapy process in wich i get access to my surpressed childhood feelings right now. So there are strong emotions like anger wich i never felt bevor this way flooding my whole body, also fear and sadness. Most of the times, i can cope with it quite good because i already learned its gonna end in some hours. When this anger comes, i try to write it out, scream to my imaginary father or punch my sofa. I always try to convince me: Okay, this is coming up right now, its a phase in your life, its healing you and is gonna loose its intensity.

Right now im a little bit confused, its not that bad, more like interesting to me.

Today there was sadness coming up, but mixed with anger. Right now i feel really pressed down by my sadness and at the same time on the inside im furious and angry. Did you already feel this way? That you had two different emotions, who were really really intense at the same time? Like its not feeling like i was really sad, now the anger is taking over, but its both at a quite high level at the same time.

My second question: Did you have a phase in your live when those childhood feelings came up very intense and then it faded down more and more? Can you remember how long this took in your case? Was it like it went on for some monts and then went down forever or was it more like you had severel phases in wich those feelings came up and in between there were periouds of pauses? Im a foreign english speaker so its hard for me to describe, i hope you see what i mean. 

Thank you for reading and for your answers,

Peace!

[Voytek]

Mostly everyone on this planet is afflicted by something from childhood. It's perfectly normal, but you have to get to the root of what it is that periodically makes you feel bad. Sure, a mom, father, or sibling may make you feel bad, but why do they? Delve into your memories and dreams, as hard as it may be, to figure out the causes. In doing that it becomes easier to let go and forgive transgressions by seeing the process in how others caused you to feel hurt. Through truly forgiving you will let go. And by forgiving I don't mean accepting whatever you went through was okay, but rather you should accept that whatever happened to you wasn't your fault and that poorly raised people cause problems because they too are hurt.

[isabel]

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Did you have a phase in your live when those childhood feelings came up very intense and then it faded down more and more?

Yes. My childhood was a horror story of psychological abuse ranging from being taught that I was a pig person with monkey blood who could never be good enough to having my beloved pets killed to being beaten with a two by four...but on the bright side I do go through phases where I am okay and even phases where I am happy.

What makes it okay is my focus. I can choose to dwell on my past or I can watch cute cat videos on the internet. Each one makes me feel vastly different. And I practice, practice, practice on holding on to those good feelings.

Another very important thing that I noticed is that when things are going well for me, I tend to dwell less on my past.

For example if I'm sick or if my job isn't going well or I have any other kind of problem I used to tend to swirl down and down and down but now I am aware of myself doing that and I know that won't help me so I go to the cute cat or baby videos to "reset" my thoughts for the day.

I think you have to go through it completely but then you have to let it go. Then take really good care of yourself and look to the future only, look to the future being good, no dwelling on the past. And it does get better, and easier. It's not really fading but it's getting easier to re-focus so that I don't have to keep reliving it over and over again.

[Sen]

@Blue Hour  I'm going through the same process of emotional release of suppressed feelings. In my case it is about 1 year and 8 months since the process got triggered and it isn't over yet but with time the intensity went down and at some point I stopped caring about how long will it take. I think the time it takes differs from person to person based on their own past experiences. If you stay mindful long enough you can see how thoughts create feelings and feelings create thoughts and so on like a never ending cycle. It is when you detach from this process and observe it without getting lost in the mind that the true healing happens. In order to detach from this process you need to build up the courage to stop trying to understand and control the thoughts and just observe them without judgement and with time the intensity goes down on it's own. For me it helped to listen to Eckhart Tolle's talks about the pain body and Leo's videos about meditation to gain the courage and understanding to totally let go of control. It is hard at first but it is the only way. The paradox is that the default state of being it pure happiness, but the minds need to control the experience thinking that it knows better how to create happiness is what ruins the happiness.

[Blue Hour]

@Sen Thank you so much for your post! I started my meditation journey 8 months ago and what you wrote tells me im on the right track, so thanks a lot!