What is the point?

[Psychonaut]

I feel a bit disillusioned atm. I have had a girlfriend for almost 2 years now. It is my first girl.

Especially during the Covid pandemic and a lot of things being closed I have really asked myself what makes up a good relationship? What is the point actually?

When all the bars and restaurants are closed. Swimming pools, billiard and castles and places to go to are closed. What is one supposed to do together? When it is cold outside and all one wants to do is stay inside. What can you do together? Cook, eat, watch movies and then? 

How can one not get sick off each other? What to do against the bore? What to do about the fact that after some time off knowing the person they become predictable. Everything moves on and new things are invented. Yet people stay the same mostly. Everything else just seems so much more interesting than people. 

I am creative inventor/tinkerer type of person. With my two 3d printers and CNC mill I constantly create things. What I do in my free time is mostly just a lot more interesting than any person can ever be. If there is a girl, fine. If there is no girl, fine too. It is often just that one can't be honest about not really caring about her. Any girl in fact actually. I don't believe there could be any girl that will prove me wrong on this. 

However, what is really weird is that I have a dog which lives with my parents atm. What I feel towards him is probably what comes most close to what "true love" is supposed to feel like. I would be devastated if something happened to him. When he wees on the floor I just wipe it up without making a scene about it. I make sure he is happy and pay attention to him, stroke him. I don't know what is keeping me back from feeling that towards a human. Romantic love is a different kind of love for sure. It is possessive, messy and I am not sure I am really interested in it in the first place. 

I am sick of having to act. It could be any person together with me. Sure it feels nice to cuddle. Sure it feels nice to have sex. Sure it feels nice to have someone care about one. In the end it is just an act. No one person is better than the other. They are just different. I am sick of having to play the "this is my girlfriend and she is a special person and I have to treat her differently/better than the other people" -game. 

[allislove]

Any relationship is always between you and You.
Play like you don't know that this is a play.
The only point is to have fun, joy, to give love.

Meditation every morning ??

[aurum]

@Psychonaut

Maybe the joy of a relationship doesn't come from what you get, but from what you choose consciously to put into it.

[Byun Sean]

@Psychonaut

What do you want out of a relationship?

Would you rather be single?

Are you feeling bored in the relationship?

What kind of experience do you want that you aren't getting with this person?

 

[hoodrow trillson]

What you are saying are facts.

You're just seeing the cold, harsh, truth and reality of "love" and relationships.  All of the other stuff tends to be a distraction (partying, traveling, restaurants, sex, drugs, etc) and its super fun, but it always comes back to the fact that there are 7 billion people on this earth and you could have a connection like that with mostly anyone else, if the other person isn't annoying, traumatized or exhausting to be around.  Having children with someone makes this even more complex, scary and and you have a massive responsibility beyond yourself.

The fairy tale and veil of love (the love I'm talking about here is the common one people think is love) is slowly being pulled off your eyes when you can't get distracted by having fun out and about like before COVID-19 happened.  Not to mention, you can't get away for 8+ hours to 'miss each other' because people are working from home--and staying home a lot more in general obviously.

Unfortunately, this is why divorces, break-ups, cheating, domestic violence have dramatically spiked during these times.  I personally know a few married people that are having trouble with their spouse and relationship during these times.

I don't know the right answer or advice to give you because this is a very touchy subject for people and some could come at my throat and tell me, "you just haven't found the right person, blah blah blah - this is a defeatist point of view" because this love fairy tale has been beaten into our brains by society and the media since we were children.  But I will say this:

Meditate daily.  Ground yourself and realize that you can be happy and full of joy by just BEing.  You have to be grateful and happy of merely just existing and experiencing this thing called reality and then you fall in love with "yourself" in turn, you end up loving everyone and everything else--even the mundane shit like having a girlfriend during a pandemic.  It's easier said than done though but hopefully you can understand what I mean.

It's all perspective.  Good luck bro.

[flume]

3 hours ago, aurum said:

Maybe the joy of a relationship doesn't come from what you get, but from what you choose consciously to put into it.

Amen! 

[RendHeaven]

13 hours ago, Psychonaut said:

I am sick of having to play the "this is my girlfriend and she is a special person and I have to treat her differently/better than the other people" -game. 

You know, my ex used to "play" this "game" with me.

Eventually she dumped me because, just like you, she didn't want to play it anymore. It became fake for her at some point down the road.

However, there was once a time in the beginning when she played this game willingly and enthusiastically, because it empowered her.

So actually, it IS possible for you to authentically "treat her differently" without a forced effort.

Don't box yourself into black-and-white thinking (i.e. "ALL special treatment fakery").

It is genuine affection is effortless if you're both in the same headspace (heartspace?) 

Reading your post though, it seems like y'all ain't in that heartspace. And that's totally fine! 

Don't shy away from separation if you hear it calling. At the same time, don't close yourself off to the possibility of becoming an affectionate lover one day.

Edited November 10, 2020 by RendHeaven

[Shin]

Maybe if you treated everyone as you lover, this would be a non issue ?

Does it matter if you have a girlfriend if you feel amazing everyday just by being you ?

What would be an intimate relationship where you needed nothing from the other person ?

Would you even have a single intimate relationship at that point ?

Would there even be a real difference between an homeless person and your wife ?

?

Edited November 10, 2020 by Shin

[UNZARI]

man that’s wild i was contemplating this and i ALSO do 3d printing AND i’m stuck in the house with my girlfriend, very similar situation. i have come to the conclusion though that it’s what you make of it. the act is and act, you’re right. but you can chose to love that act and you can consciously chose to play within it. enjoy watching movies together, enjoy talking, enjoy waking up next to her every morning if that’s what y’all do. sure it gets stale sometimes but never forget you’re with another person that has many layers and a perspective different from yours. there’s a chance that in the stale moments you two could get to know each other better and share yourselves and love what you share. 

also never forget.. what if you woke up one day and you found out she was dead. what would you wish you would’ve done or said? 

[Psychonaut]

On 12/11/2020 at 2:53 AM, UNZARI said:

Also never forget.. what if you woke up one day and you found out she was dead. what would you wish you would’ve done or said? 

I'd be happy. Then I wouldn't have to think about all the other people that will be inside of her after me. I might be sad at the same time. Just how I am sad about every memory that has passed and every song that I have previously listened to when that memory happened. 

On top of all of this she is still using Tinder. Pretty actively actually. She opens it multiple times a week.

I just feel like I am in a movie and the person I see is not the actual person. This whole thing is a lie that has been dragged out far too long. It is just because it feels nice to have someone around and it doesn't matter who. It could be a dog. Someone is better than no one and I am just far too lazy and don't give a crap to actually go out and meet someone new. Just like everyone in every flipping relationship I have ever observed. A huge lie.

To me it feels like I am the Joker in the Joker movie, or Trump after the election. I have a completely different view and then there is a moment in which my entire world crashes. It is revealed as completely fabricated by me. I made it and formed it in a way that suits me. It feels like I am dying. Because when I die my unique worldview is gone forever. Only I see the world through my eyes in the unique way that I see it. When a part of my worldview is revealed as false, a part of me dies.

What I believe to be true is completely arbitrary. I could live in a world that has nothing to do with anyone else's world. Anyone and everyone that challenges it will be disproven. This is a lonely place and a powerful place. I am independent. Yet I am back at the same location. I am just sitting here, floating in space, observing. I loose myself in a body, loose myself in a project, attach myself to outcomes and goals. Just so that I can die a little every time something doesn't work. Or I live and survive. I beat the odds and spread my wings to sail across the chasm. Who knows. Gotta stay alive long enough to see what happens.

[UNZARI]

On 11/22/2020 at 2:45 PM, Psychonaut said:

I'd be happy. Then I wouldn't have to think about all the other people that will be inside of her after me. I might be sad at the same time. Just how I am sad about every memory that has passed and every song that I have previously listened to when that memory happened. 

On top of all of this she is still using Tinder. Pretty actively actually. She opens it multiple times a week.

I just feel like I am in a movie and the person I see is not the actual person. This whole thing is a lie that has been dragged out far too long. It is just because it feels nice to have someone around and it doesn't matter who. It could be a dog. Someone is better than no one and I am just far too lazy and don't give a crap to actually go out and meet someone new. Just like everyone in every flipping relationship I have ever observed. A huge lie.

To me it feels like I am the Joker in the Joker movie, or Trump after the election. I have a completely different view and then there is a moment in which my entire world crashes. It is revealed as completely fabricated by me. I made it and formed it in a way that suits me. It feels like I am dying. Because when I die my unique worldview is gone forever. Only I see the world through my eyes in the unique way that I see it. When a part of my worldview is revealed as false, a part of me dies.

What I believe to be true is completely arbitrary. I could live in a world that has nothing to do with anyone else's world. Anyone and everyone that challenges it will be disproven. This is a lonely place and a powerful place. I am independent. Yet I am back at the same location. I am just sitting here, floating in space, observing. I loose myself in a body, loose myself in a project, attach myself to outcomes and goals. Just so that I can die a little every time something doesn't work. Or I live and survive. I beat the odds and spread my wings to sail across the chasm. Who knows. Gotta stay alive long enough to see what happens.

song lyrics lmao

[tsuki]

On 9.11.2020 at 7:23 PM, aurum said:

@Psychonaut

Maybe the joy of a relationship doesn't come from what you get, but from what you choose consciously to put into it.

@Psychonaut ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Edited November 26, 2020 by tsuki

[Raze]