Let's See What's Possible

[Raptorsin7]

Time for a new journal. I want to be as open and as transparent as possible on my journal, but It's hard to write on here without some sense of worrying about how it will be perceived by others.  In any case I think it will be good to get my thoughts on a document and get out of my head more.

I've overcome the suicidal thoughts for now, and I do believe i have turned a corner on my path. 

I'm noticing how much "me" there is in this journal. This is ego. It's the mind claiming ownership over what's going on. My Path. The path is being claimed by the mind. I can recognize how much i am attached to the mind, the narrative mind seems inseparable from experience.

Most of my days now are spent either laying down, or trying to meditate. It's gotten me out of depression, but I want to start doing more and make healthier choices. I have been living like a hermit for months now, and it's about time I go out of my shell and immersed myself in the world again. I want to incorporate exercise into my routine, and some social interaction with some friends. 

I have this tendency to write NEED vs WANT when discussing things i'm going to do. It reflects the intensity and seriousness i've lived my life with. I believe my best self will come from peace and equanimity, moving from a happy place, based on what i want and desire. The paradigm of being a serious, intense person has not worked out for me so far, and it seems about time to let that go.

I also notice this tendency to write in more words than is needed to make my point. I want to be more of a direct writer. I especially want to notice how what i type/think relates to how I feel. Aligning thinking and feeling is stressed a lot, and I belive i'm at a point where I can apply this principle. 

I have this tension in my head that has been growing since the meditation time has increased. If I just sit and let go, I feel this resistance to just being that consists of knots/tension as well as feelings of nausea. I even threw up today from the tension in my head, and I've had to miss work 3 times in the past 2 toNweeks, and I just started lol. I want to figure this out, i actually like my job it would be a shame to lose it.

I don't like these long form journal posts, i really want to feel each word and sentence being put on here, that was one thing i noticed with my LSD trips. It was like I could feel each individual word/thought it was amazing.

 

 

[RendHeaven]

We're rooting for you  

[Raptorsin7]

@RendHeaven Thank you.

I don't know how to make progress and move forward in life. I've been meditating a lot recently, but the good experiences i've had from meditation have been random and I'm not sure what i'm doing in the good sessions that I can repeat. I don't understand how to meditate in a consistent way that leads to good feeling, and relaxation and letting go. 

I've also had to miss 3 days of work in the past 2 weeks because of migraine headaches and nausea in the mornings. I believe it's from stressing my head in meditation, and my attempt to forcefully relax the head and open the third eye and release that tension. I thought my forced relaxation was working a bit because it lead to a release of tension from the head, but I can't keep doing it if it's making me sick and I have to miss work. I'm not sure how many more days I can miss work before i get fired. I like my job too, so it would suck to lose it.

Nailing the meditation technique is going to important moving forward. I want to find a technique that can get me consistently to a relaxed, let go state. I've felt it a few times over the past few weeks, and it's really dramatic how different you can feel after some meditation sessions. I believe i'm close to opening the third eye, or releasing the tension in my head related to my identification with thoughts, but I really don't know how close. I also thought I was close to doing it like 6 months ago, and it never happened so I could be deluding myself.

Meditating and feeling into the sensations and letting go of effort seems to be working the best, so I will continue doing that. I wonder if it could be a good idea to track each meditation session and keep a record of what was working and what wasn't. Just typing this now it seems like it could be a valuable idea.

I'm working with a business mentor on how to learn digital marketing so I can get a decent paying job to move out. I'm 25 and I really want to make progress in becoming independent. I do think I have a lot of emotional/psychological issues that are keeping me stuck as well, but i'm hoping that meditation can help me transcend or at least cope with a lot of my issues. I'm still living like a hermit, basically only going for walks, going to work, and staying home... but I want this to change moving forward. 

I guess the plan is still the plan over the past few weeks, meditate... turn within and hopefully I can find that transcendent state of being that I found on the LSD. From this transcendent place, it will be easier to solve any issues that arise in my life and to move forward. I have to be careful during my sessions to not over do it... the migraines and nausea are becoming a real problem and I don't want to lose my job while trying to breakthrough with my meditation technique.

I'm still very confused about a lot of stuff, but I am a million times better off than I was even 2 weeks ago so hopefully things keep trending up in a major way.

 

[zeroISinfinity]

Saw your PM. It seems like I really can't be like Jed. Why wouldn't I help you out.

 Sorry but I can't. 

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity No problem, I'll be here if you change your mind

[zeroISinfinity]

I won't. 

 

 

 

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity Never say never

[Raptorsin7]

I had a great meditation session today. I brought attention to feeling and subtle breathing in the body, and I just calmly relaxed and let go moment after moment. Thoughts would arise and i'd lose focus for a few moments, but i just kept on coming back to the subtle feelings and breathing.

After about an hour the tension in my head released quite a bit, it felt like I was close to breaking through. I thnk i got over excited and starting thinking and over "doing" so i didn't go all the way, but overall it was great progress.

I know that I am already enlightened. Enlightenment is literally you, you are all that is. I know where i'm going thanks to the LSD trips, but i'm not sure what it's going to take to lift the veil fully. I know that I literally am feeling, the awareness is feeling. It's like a sphere of feeling that encompasses all experience. 

I haven't done psychs in like 5 months, but I know if I took LSD i'd hit the peak based on my present Level of consciousness. Psychs are my last resort, but I really think I won't need them.

[Raptorsin7]

It feels like i'm getting closer to a meditation technique that will allow me to breakthrough and lead to a shift in perspective. On the LSD i would always have the experience of the tension in my head releasing, and the tension would localize to the head, and then it would release and the sense of me would shift to a sort of unified field, rather than localized to the head.

The technique i've been working on is as follows: I become aware of the sense of me using a few different points... asking who am I, asking who do the thoughts refer to, basically any thought that gets attention pointed back to the sense of me or sense of existence. Then once i am aware of this felt sense... I become aware of the fact that I am aware of the sense of me. I am basically just becoming aware of the sense of me, then I becoming aware of that sense of awareness... and this will just continue until I get in touch with the true self and i get the perspective shift. 

I'm pretty confident in the technique, but I still have to find a way to keep the chain of being aware of awareness going. I find i get distracted easily and lose touch. The end point of this technique will lead to getting in touch with the feeling awareness that is behind experience. Eventually that sense of just being aware of awareness will be the default, and that shift is what leads to the loss of the conventional sense of self. 

This is consistent with the teachings of Mooji and Rupert Spira, so i'm pretty sure if I just fine tune this teaching it will lead me to the true SELF. Not sure how to fast track this process so I can open the crown chakra and get the bliss body, and get in touch with emotions again. But it does seem like i'm on the right track.

 

[Raptorsin7]

There is one planet... but billions of worlds- Mooji

[Raptorsin7]

I want to write freely on this journal. I feel a sense that other people are reading and so I feel the need to censor or present things in a certain light, but I think that is not healthy and I will grow more by being honest and writing my mind as honestly as possible.

I told my psychiatrist that i'm going to start psychidelics again, mushrooms, and he said it's a bad idea and that basically ended our relationship. My GP is going to prescribe the medication from now on, and he said if i get depressed again i can maybe see him, but he did not want to be apart of what i'm doing with psychs. I did not get any better from medication, it did basically nothing, the thing that gave me hope and got me out of the deep depression was hitting a deep state of meditation that resemebled the peak LSD trip. I told this to my psychiatrist but he just didn't believe that the meditation is what got me out of it, from my pov it's clear but I see his pov too and it makes sense that he would be skeptical.

I have been struggling with my meditation sessions over the paIst few days. It feels like 2 steps forward, 1 step back. One day I feel like i've made some serious progress and am close to a breakthrough in understanding, and then the next day I feel stuck with my technique and worry that I'm making no progress.

As I type this, I am aware of a technique that I am going to try for the next few hours before bed.

I am going to become aware of the felt sense of me, or what I refer to as I in experience. It's a general sense/feeling that covers my head and parts of my body. Once i bring attention to this space, I'm going to feel into this felt sense of me. I can simultaneously feel into this space, and be aware of this space. 

It's been about a month since I had a series of great meditation sessions, and it's frustrating that I haven't been able to understanding what I did that worked, or find a way to have those kinds of experiences consistently.

Hopefully the Mushrooms help me get in touch with this meditative space more consistently.

I am worried about the future. I have so much to improve and work through, and I worry that my plan for improvement is deluded and doomed to fail. I'm hoping to find a way to have a consistent meditative practice that gets me to a deep state of relaxation, and to carry that state with me throughout the day. And i'm hoping to find a way to change my thinking habits and emotional state, so i'm more optimistic and grounded throughout the day. I do believe it will only take a few days of momentum to get me going in a great direction, but how long it takes me to get to that place is anyone's guess. 

 

[Raptorsin7]

Questions that need answering:

Throughout the day, what can I do to improve my mood/thought process when I recognize that i've been stuck in a not good feeling place, ruminating for a long period of time.

What does it mean to let go of beliefs about yourself, how can you let go of beliefs that you aren't even aware you are holding. How are beliefs about yourself, impacting how you feel, and how do those beliefs prevent the release of suppressed emotion.

How do emotions get suppressed/repressed in the body, and how do you get them out?

How do I pick thoughts that improve my mood? What is the relationship between thoughts and feelings, and how do I use the fact that I am the awareness of thoughts to thinking better feeling thoughts.

How often should I do psychidelics moving forward, and how can I know what is the right timing and dosage?

What about my meditation technique is working and is worth keeping, and what part of it is not working and should be let go of

[Applegarden]

9 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

 

I am worried about the future. I have so much to improve and work through, and I worry that my plan for improvement is deluded and doomed to fail. I'm hoping to find a way to have a consistent meditative practice that gets me to a deep state of relaxation, and to carry that state with me throughout the day. And i'm hoping to find a way to change my thinking habits and emotional state, so i'm more optimistic and grounded throughout the day. I do believe it will only take a few days of momentum to get me going in a great direction, but how long it takes me to get to that place is anyone's guess

About the inner journey and meditation part don't worry, if you keep nourishing it consistently it will make you pick and drop many mindsets and not very long for a tangible place for truth, bliss and joy will be here for you.

Even if the rest of the endevours fail, in my experience, this does not fail if you just keep meditating and growing. This is more rewarding than any other endevour also. It is almost like to be sought by design, it is so good.

And so much more accesible too for you, won't even have to go anywhere or do anything to feel it.

Edited November 18, 2020 by Applegarden

[Raptorsin7]

@Applegarden Yeah, that's the hope man. I've only been able to touch that place sparingly in meditation, but I have a good sense of what's possible within me from psychidelic trips. 

I'm going to keep at it until I find what i'm looking for, hopefully it's sooner rather than later lol

[Raptorsin7]

Dr. Joe Dispenza is pretty sick. I think he's spitting facts. The way he describes the mechanics of suffering seems to really map on to my experience. I like how directly he speaks about improvement and suffering, i haven't found any preachers like him. I was listening to a lot of abraham hicks, but I don't really resonate with her teachings. I understand her main point, and it seems like Dr. Joe is saying the same thing but with a different delivery, and although i understand what she's trying to get at, I just don't feel it resonate with me in my experience. 

I want to find more and more teachers. I do believe that if there is a teacher that really resonates with you, then they could give advice that could be recognized and applied directly in the moment. The best preachers are always pointing you to a better feeling perspective on life as often as possible, and so there must be teachers out there who you can identify with strongly. 

Part of me thinks that Dr. Joe is a con artist, and i'm just being scammed haha. He's probably not perfect, and maybe he's wrong about stuff, but I have faith in what he's saying, and given where i'm at I'm going to trust him and follow his teachings. 

 

 

 

[Raptorsin7]

I feel stuck. l don't know what to write, I want to express how i am feeling but I don't know how to do it. I just want to spam random characters like a mad man tbh. 

Hopefully I can find a good teaching/teacher I can follow through with. I like what i've heard about David Hawkins and letting go so i'll look into that.

I believe right now I have a repressed emotion/emotional blockage that is undermining my entire state of being and life. I feel a constant tension in my head, and I believe it's related to some repression or emotional blockages i'm going through. 

I ordered some shrooms so i'm pumped to start working with psychs again. I view the psychs as a jail break or a glimpse of god, I can get free for a time being and use that time to assess where i'm at and what I need to improve, and i'll also hopefully gain insights into how to achieve a happy state while sober.

I want to be more honest and authetnic when writing. I feel myself wound and anxious even while writing this. Maybe i'm just really uptight and need to learn to let go. So simple.

 

 

 

[Raptorsin7]

I think i'm on the verge of a breakthrough. Even just saying it I worry i'm setting myself for failure with delusion. But I feel good about my insights lately.

I have to sit with whatever i'm feeling in this NOW and accept the feeling with full embrace. I am constantly running from how i'm feeling NOW,If t and that is where all my problems are coming from. I can't think beyond my current emotional state, and until I resolve the underlying emotional blockages/issues I will not be able to move forward and expand my mind. 

Become aware of how you feel NOW. Then fully accept and embrance how you feel, no matter what arises. Stay with the feeling/emotion, breathe into the emotion. Don't resist, accept what is happening.

We all want to change our state of being. But in order to change our state we must accept our current state of being, and love who we are as we are. The paradoxical thing is that once you fully accept your current state of being as it is without wanting to change it... then your state will be in alignment with your highest self.

Once i figure this out i'm going to find out how to make a bunch of money so I can move out. I want to buy a ferrari spider and buy a beach house in hawaii... for starters (:

 

[Raptorsin7]

I think I made a major breakthrough.

[Raptorsin7]

I think the key is to sit with whatever you're feeling right now without trying to avoid it or change it. If you fully accept and embrace what's happening right now then nothing can touch you.

I still have incredible avoidance of doing this though. I feel like I know exactly what to do but I'm still resistant and avoid sitting with what's ocurring right now.

One technique that may work: Imagine a dream life/scenario, the best possible option for your existence it doesn't even matter how unrealistic it is just imagine it, and then think about how all you really want from that scenario is how it would make you feel... it's realistic that you could feel just like that now without actually getting what it is you want, then once you have a sense of some ideal version of yourself (and how that would feel/be).... bring your attention to how you feel in the moment and fully accept whatever is happening. If you get off track or distracted etc then use that ideal version as a reminder of what is possible to gain from just accepting everything as it is right with all your heart/being.