Should I move out?

[Arcangelo]

Hey guys I need your input on this:

 

So when I make a barbecue I don't wash the grill afterwards because I am lazy/unmotivated.

My dad has repeatedly told me to fucking wash it after using it. His motto is: If you are not gonna clean it, don't fucking use it.

So today in the afternoon I guess he wanted to do a barbecue. When he went to get the grill he realized I didn't clean it and he lost his mind. I heard him calling me (yelling my name actually) but I was busy working so I didn't respond to him. Then I heard some noises and things hitting on the door of my office/room/apartment

It was him, he destroyed the grill by throwing it repeatedly to the ground and he was throwing the pieces of the grill at the windows of the office. For sure he wanted to break them. When I opened the door confused I asked my stepmom: -''Hey what's going on?'' He threw a big piece of the grill at me. His aim was no good so I almost didn't have to move to avoid getting hit. He attacked me.

He was yelling: -''DON'T YOU EVER TOUCH ANY OF MY STUFF! LOOK HOW YOU LEFT THIS SHIT!''

His voice was breaking while he was yelling like almost crying. That's how pissed off he was.

I have never seen him so angry in my life.

I am actually surprised he didn't suffer a heart attack.

It is sad. I am gonna move out on Tuesday. All I can afford to rent is a small room. It fucking sucks, but I can't stay after that. He is way to anal when it comes to things being neat and clean. He is a neat freak.

I really like living here at the office of the old factory. I am independent I pay for all my stuff. He just gives me a place to stay. He lives in his house, I live here.

------------------------------------------

 

A teacher once told me: -''Never take decisions when you are angry, sad or drunk.''

Good advice. I am planning on moving out but I am sad. I spoke to my uncle, my mom and my best friend. Uncle says move out. Mom is neutral. And my best friend told me to be strategic to move out when the time is right. I am just getting back on my feet. I lost my McD's job because of corona virus, they took me back a couple of months ago. I live paycheck to paycheck. My contract ends on february and IDK what I am gonna do then.

Part of me wants to move out it will force me to grow but the other part of me says: -''Don't be stupid, be strategic.''

I don't wanna be a 41yo kidult receiving orders and getting scolded by daddy.

What you guys think? Should I move out?

 

Nahm, PreetyIndia, Anyone?

[Preety_India]

Hey Arc, please don't move out, please. 

This is not the right time or occasion to take such a decision. 

Your old man daddy is just having a temper tantrum and that's fine, it happens, you will become more distant from him if you move out. 

He might apologize some day. Relationships are hard to win these days and much easier to lose. 

Plus you'll have all these burdens racked up on your shoulder once you move out. You'll become a total wage slave, how is that fair for you?? 

If you move out you will keep figuring out your financial options day in and day out, it will consume you. Right now America is not in a very financially stable state. Jobs are hard to come by. You'll get stuck in this mess. 

So please don't leave. Your father will get alright after a day or two, he will forget it. 

You can bring your own barbecue grill. It hardly costs $400 and there are many cheaper ones. Maybe gift him one with your savings then he won't be that pissed off.

I think your Dad is a bit of  a neat clean germophobe type of freak. Most oldie parents are like that. 

But deep down he loves you. Just that he couldn't bear the sight of an unclean grill. That's no big deal. That's no reason to leave home. 

I'd have told you to move out if he was continuously abusive. But that's not the case here.. 

Plus the economy is in the dumpster. If you get a place, the landlord will harass you 100%.

That's exactly what happened to my ex boyfriend Joseph. He was being harassed in subtle ways in every place he rented.. Outside people can never be better than blood relatives. They will be much cruel to you and you will have a threat of eviction 

The only place where you'd feel safe is an extremely high end place where the rent is sky high like 1000s of dollars. They will treat you like a king because you're filling their pockets. Rest everywhere the whole renting thing is a huge mess for low income individuals. It will be pure torture. I'm saying this from experience living in the US. If you are on a low budget, living on rent is a nightmare. So don't leave. You'll be living in some hoods or other trailer type areas and those are no good people, trust me, you will be meeting the most horrible people in low income housing in the US. This is what my ex boyfriend Joseph struggled with because his mom had kicked him out because of his arrogance. And I spent an entire year searching different places for him and trying to house him and I exhausted myself and every experience was a bad experience for him and eventually he became homeless and I lost myself.. You don't want to go through something like that. 

 

Your home is the safest place no matter what. In Asian countries like mine, parents don't even give basic freedoms to their kids so the kids have to move out. But your case is not like that. You have an old factory and the office there. It seems like you truly like that place. Then you shouldn't leave. That place is secure and good for you. 

Don't ruin your setup for your daddy. Wait for him to calm down. 

Also don't ever touch any of his stuff ever because he seems to be too freaky about it. You get your own stuff with your money and use it and don't touch any of his stuff. 

Just relax ok. I know you are overwhelmed and that's why you are thinking about moving out.. But that's  a bad decision and you might regret. 

Let some weeks go by. There is this Corona shit going on. You're much safer home during such times..

Goodluck and take care and don't leave. Let the old man sort himself out. 

 

[Reciprocality]

An honest and sincere confrontation seems in its place, i plan on moving out myself, but the time do not seem quite right.

Maybe it is smart as Pretty_India adviced: to wait if of?

[Nahm]

@Arcangelo

What is / was your plan for financial independence prior to the barbecue incident? 

[Barbara]

“If you buy a gift for someone and that person does not take it, to whom does the gift belong?” 

Your dad freaking out over that is a matter he only has to resolve within himself. You are not responsible for that. You're responsible tho for not cleaning the grill, and that you can change Since your in his house, I believe you should consider his requests.
I don't think you should move in right now, because of what Preety said, and because you doing it right now, would only be because of pride and ego, like — "No one talks to me like that!". But be cool. A friendly talk would do it for you two, I believe. And be honest, tell him that you thought about moving out, but you're considering it, for the reasons you are. Maybe tell him you love him and that you'll be tidier. I feel like he just needs to be a little loved right now.  

Best wishes to you and your dad. 
Warm regards
 

[aurum]

@Arcangelo

Wow.

First off, don't blame yourself for your dad's behavior. At the end of the day, it's just a grill. If he got that angry, there is something much deeper going on in his life, likely related to trauma / personal issues. I don't see any reasonable excuse for his actions.

Second, it sounds like you're not financially ready to move out. I could be wrong, maybe you're moving up the latter at McDs, but last time I checked they don't pay enough to be independent.

My guess is you're going to have to keep working towards financial independence before you can realistically leave.

In the mean time, have you talked to your dad about this? Unless you think he'd kick you out, I'd tell him how you feel. Express that you while you understand the importance of cleaning the grill, you aren't okay with how he acted. Don't let him bully you.

[Roy]

I would talk to him calmly in a day or two and explain that you maybe aren't as clean as him with your things, and didn't know it would upset him so much, and that you weren't doing it to upset him. This might make him reflect on his behavior and realize how absurd and over-reactionary it is.

As for moving out. I wouldn't recommend it at the moment, make the best of your current situation and if that means tip toeing a bit more then that might be the price to pay.

With Covid getting worse, now is exact time to hunker down and save/make as much money as you possibly can. Living sparsely should be easier because it's not that safe to go out doing stuff (aka spending money). Not to mention finding good deals/places rooms and housing at the moment is probably really difficult.

Keep looking for better paying/more stable employment, and use your extra time to do the inner work and strategically plan for the future. It will be many months or up to a year until the world blossoms open again. Prepare and look forward to that as you build right now.

Things are gonna alright @Arcangelo. I've been in a similar situation as well.

 

[Michael569]

Damn, I'm sorry to hear that man. It is possible that once your dad has cooled off, he will come to apologise and things may return to where they were but something tells me if this happened because of a grill, you haven't seen the last of it. 

What is your financial situation? Could you stay with another family member for some time? Or maybe find a joined rent with a friend? 

What are your professional skills like & education? Maybe finding a job in a place that is still considered essential such as gastronomy, commuting services or one of the governmental institutions could be an option. 

Is there anything you could teach online? Do you have any skills that people would be willing to pay you for? 

[Average Investor]

If you are going to tough it out there, then I would consider investing in your own stuff to keep separate. You could find all of this stuff used and fairly cheap. I can point you in the right direction of where to possibly find it too. 

Mini fridge

Electric Stove Burner

Plates, Cups, Dishes, ETC

Buy something for a water source. Water purifier, or storage for purified water, etc. 

Some stuff to even clean your own dishes in the room.

That and anything else you could use in the office to avoid contact and using that stuff. To be fair that will not give the solution to his anger. However, it will minimize the contact and how much you actually see him. You can also be strategic with the time that you would need to possibly use anything from the house like the washing machine. If he is gone at certain times. This stuff will be useful for when you move out as well. 

[Arcangelo]

Thank you very much all of you for your kind responses.

@Preety_India  I love you. I knew I could count on you. Thanks! I am not in the US BTW. I am a Latin-American.

17 hours ago, Preety_India said:

You'll become a total wage slave

Yes.

17 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Maybe gift him one with your savings

Yes I am gonna do that.

17 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Also don't ever touch any of his stuff ever

Oh definitely.

14 hours ago, Nahm said:

What is / was your plan for financial independence prior to the barbecue incident? 

Hi Nahm! My plan is to become an electrician and be my own boss. I am already studying. I really like it, and I am getting straight As' because I am college drop out. I used to study electronic engineering. Rocket science, imaginary numbers, square root of -1 and all that jazz.

14 hours ago, Barbara said:

doing it right now, would only be because of pride and ego, like — "No one talks to me like that!".

Yes 100% true.

11 hours ago, aurum said:

there is something much deeper going on in his life,

Yes there is: my brother is trying to snatch from him the company that he built for 40 years out of nothing.  Company is worth a lot of $$$ at least a couple of $Ms'

Dad is tough old school self made man.

11 hours ago, aurum said:

it sounds like you're not financially ready to move out.

You are right, I am not.

 

11 hours ago, Roy said:

Not to mention finding good deals/places rooms and housing at the moment is probably really difficult.

Actually since a lot of people lost their jobs, they had to move in with their relatives to weather the Rona. So at least here the rents are going down.

 

10 hours ago, Michael569 said:

your dad has cooled off

Yeah he already cooled off. Today he saw me going to the grocery store and he was going to the supermarket.

He told me: -''Hey we are going to the supermarket, you need anything?''

Me: -''Yes I need X and Y''

Him: -''OK don't worry, I got it.''

Me: -''Thanks''

That's how us men in LA apologize.

11 hours ago, Michael569 said:

you haven't seen the last of it.

Yeah I thought the same.

 

11 hours ago, Michael569 said:

What are your professional skills like & education?

I am bilingual. That's it.

11 hours ago, Michael569 said:

What is your financial situation? Could you stay with another family member for some time? Or maybe find a joined rent with a friend? 

Not good. Yes. And yes but I don't wanna do that. The 2 times I have lived with friends I lost them. They were toxic friends though. So I am glad I lost them TBH.

11 hours ago, Michael569 said:

Is there anything you could teach online? Do you have any skills that people would be willing to pay you for? 

Yes. I could me a math tutor for high school kids.

@Average Investor  No we live in a big property that belongs to my dad, which used to be a lead recycling factory. So in this property there is a big house that's where my dad lives. I live at the office of the old factory and I use what used to be the kitchen area of the employees to cook. The kitchen area has showers too. So I don't need anything from my dad's house. I already got everything you said: Washing machine etc.

 

-------------

 

So yeah after reflecting over night and interacting with you guys I decided to stay. I talked to my mom, she is gonna help save my money because I am spender not a saver. My mom is a saver. She told me: -''Don't you think that while I was saving my money I had a lot of ideas to spend my money on? You gotta think about the future boy.''

 

Thanks again to all of you!

 

Peace

 

Arc

 

[Preety_India]

 

@Arcangelo I love you. Take care.