My Self talking to myself

[blankisomeone]

I thought to myself "I didn't even choose to be born!"

Then, I decided to question that by going through Byron Katie's 4 questions:

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it's true? (Yes or no.)
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who or what would you be without the thought?

But when I got to the second question, I started going on a big rant. Enjoy.

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I didn’t choose to be born.

Is it true?

Yes.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

Yes, absolutely. I don’t ever remember choosing to be born. It was just chance! I was for some reason the fastest sperm.

Do you remember being a sperm?

No.

So why do you think it makes sense to say that you were for sure the fastest sperm but it doesn’t make sense to have chosen to be born? You don’t remember being a sperm, and yet you say you were the fastest sperm. Why couldn’t it be the case that you chose to be born but you don’t remember it?

Because science shows sperms going fast with microscopes. Science doesn’t show anyone choosing to be born.

Why do you assume the sperm thing happened to you if you don’t remember it? Please, go back to the beginning. Can you absolutely know that it’s true that you did not choose to be born? Don’t dodge the question.

The world is too confusing. I can’t see why one would choose to come to it. It doesn’t seem fair that people must go through the struggles of life. Life can get pretty damn horrible for some people.

For God’s sake, answer the question. Just because you don’t remember something does that make it untrue? Yes or No?

No. But that doesn’t help me!

What do you need help with, exactly?

I want to remember why I’m here. Feeling confused sucks.

Oh please, I noticed it for a second there. I noticed that you’re enjoying this. Isn’t it fun to rediscover yourself?

I want other people to come along on the journey. The state the world is in makes me depressed. Not to mention fucking Covid ruining everything.

First of all, just wear a mask. Second of all, why don’t you do something about the state of the world if it bothers you so much?

I don’t know what to do.

Yes, you do.

It feels intuitively that I know what to do. But what if I’m kidding myself? Also, there’s too many obstacles! There’s a lot I need to take care of first. I need help. Like, really, really.

You have help all around you at all times.

Sometimes  I think about the suffering of others too much. Then I just start to blame life for having allowed such suffering. It seems so unfair that it makes me disgusted! I hate seeing my dad working and doing everything to help me and my family! He doesn’t have to do that! It saddens me deeply! The things people go through! For nothing! I want everyone to just relax!

Your dad likes helping his family. I know it. Just show gratitude and pull your own weight, too. And also, please don’t make it sound like it's the end of the world. Those other people also have help all around them. I haven’t left them. I’m very, very close to them.

But still. The world is too chaotic. Things can go wrong at any time! Life is too anxiety-inducing. Also, why are we so dumb and vulnerable? Are you saying that it doesn’t matter whether I help those people or not, since you—whatever You are – are with them anyways.

You’re venting too much. You can vent. But there’s a difference between just wanting to vent to get frustration out of your chest and actually calming down to listen to the truth. First, calm down. Now tell me, why do you wanna help “those people”—whoever those people are?

Because life is unfair to them.

Life is unfair to them? There’s you wanting to help them! You are part of life, too, you know? So how is life being unfair to them? You are offering to help them.

But there’s absolutely no way I can help them. I’m too weak, cynic, confused, small…

Please, enough with the self-pity. You’re irritating me, honestly…

You gave me these limitations, though. Why can't you just give me enough power right now then I can help those people! Like, I snap my fingers and the world is free of suffering!

You’re asking for too much, aren’t you?

Why can’t you just make it simple?

We’ve already been through this! Please admit you’re enjoying this.

All this suffering seems ridiculously unnecessary though! Some people are suffering for real and not enjoying it one bit, and you just seem like you’re playing with them.

Who are you blaming?

Life.

Ok, I ask you to go back to the beginning. You’re losing yourself again. Tell me, what if you chose this?

I wanna share this on the actualized.org forum. Maybe like this I can start… helping? I don’t know… Contribute somehow?

You dodge questions too much. It's laughable... But, sure, you can share it if you want.

There’s nothing deep about what I’m writing, though. This is just stupid! Just words on top of words on top words, nothing profound about this shit at all! I need to learn how to write. I suck. I read books on top of books but my writing sucks.

You’re not even trying. You’re just spitting these words out. Maybe if you relaxed and practiced you could write something much better. You need to organize your thoughts. Relax. When you were a kid you loved writing, remember? You used to get the highest grades. What made you give up? Revisit that. Also, stop putting yourself down. Remember when you were playing videogame with your friend and he told you to stop putting yourself down? He fucking meant that. Remember how you noticed it in how he said it? Remember how he was such a good friend to you? So many people wish they could have a friend like that.

This is ridiculous. This is just me pretending to talk to myself. Am I losing it? Am I just pretending? Am I asking too many questions? Ugh, the world is too noisy! Inner and outer. I just want silence.

You can always rest in silence. Even in the noisiest of places. Even in a war zone.

I didn’t choose to be here!

Is that true?

Yes, absolutely!

Oh, man. We've been through this bit! I sense another downward spiral coming... Please, go out for a run. Relax. Take a deep breath. Print these sheets out. Quiet your mind. Reread this later. You’re not focused anymore

Edited November 6, 2020 by blankisomeone

[Bulgarianspirit]

I had this before too... I can only say yes the world is a mess and i need to remove the drive to help others as well in some way.. I am small like you if i was a billionaire or someone of importance sure i could help, but like this?

Idk why even help them honestly, selfish monkeys stealing from other selfish monkeys making the world a suffer chamber...

They are all selfish and self-centered and we should help them, instead of the god who created them?

The god who doesn't know good from evil? Just watches idly as it all goes to shit. I am but a tiny spec of dust, i can't change what god has created, the suffering it wants to endure by being these creatures...

God could create heaven, instead it tortures itself...

Why are you like this god????

I run away from looking at the ugliness of the world, there is tons of it. Only focusing on the beauty gives me at least temporary relief, away from the misery of the hundreds if not millions of people and animals, dying cruelly or being used to fuel someone's greedy pursuits.

We live in hell, i have all the proof i need.

Edited November 6, 2020 by Bulgarianspirit

[No Self]

14 minutes ago, Bulgarianspirit said:

We live in hell, i have all the proof i need.

This is a valid perspective in its own right. But would the Buddha see it differently?

[Breakingthewall]

Maybe a third you, or God could say: I sent my son to the torture and the cross my friend, I'm the zebra and the lion who destroy his flesh while she's still alive. I love the suffering and the war, that's why they exist...what are you talking about? Covid? For my most loved sons I create the leprosy. Life is unfair? Of course, it's the nature of life, and his beauty

Edited November 7, 2020 by Breakingthewall

[Bulgarianspirit]

On 7.11.2020 г. at 2:19 AM, Breakingthewall said:

Maybe a third you, or God could say: I sent my son to the torture and the cross my friend, I'm the zebra and the lion who destroy his flesh while she's still alive. I love the suffering and the war, that's why they exist...what are you talking about? Covid? For my most loved sons I create the leprosy. Life is unfair? Of course, it's the nature of life, and his beauty

That's the thing... I know this i have witnessed personally how all appears within the self, as the self not knowing it is the self...

We are the godhead, consciousness experiencing itself. Somehow it might be possible that god loves everything and puts itself through hell, for the experience. Rubert Spira says suffering is the price consciousness pays for manifesting the world.

Forgetting it's true nature, absolute peace and silence.

However if i was an eternal lonely god(which i am a part of) i get it. You are alone FOREVER

You don't even measure time and forever is just a word. Let that sink in. And you exist in this void,darkness. After millenia or who knows how much time, you would split yourself, fool yourself, maybe dream an infinite dream, all the characters and worlds are you, but you ignore your being.

HELL.. If im frank with you, god is right under your nose. We are all this being. I used to feel suffering, when i saw suffering, a part of me has become numb because i know i don't have the power to stop the suffering.. But god probably doesn't see suffering the way i do. I am but a little ego, wondering what if it all could live in harmony and peace, while in form...

You could argue with me, you could say boy, then it wouldn't be the physical and that would probably be correct. You could say then it would be the astral or some form of heaven, you would also be correct, but if we humans weren't so greedy, we could make the Earth nearly paradise for all. No more children dying of povery, people killing each other over trivial things such as land and money... We pretend we are so civilized yet idiots lead us into oblivion for their selfish profits...

From the absolute none of this matters i get it, the Earth will continue long after humanity, long after we are put to rest as a species.

Edited November 8, 2020 by Bulgarianspirit

[Breakingthewall]

40 minutes ago, Bulgarianspirit said:

However if i was an eternal lonely god(which i am a part of) i get it. You are alone FOREVER

maybe in gods perspective lonely, or eternity doesn't means nothing. Lonely is scary for us the humans, for an octopus maybe it's ok even for the eternity

[Bulgarianspirit]

Each tendryl has a sense of sense and consciousness... And each of them are the vast universe.

[blankisomeone]

Me/Us blaming God trying to convince ourselves that we have nothing to do with anything :'D

[blankisomeone]

Romans 9:20 Who do you think you are to talk back to God like that? Can an object that was made say to its maker, “Why did you make me like this?”

Luke 14:15-20 Hearing this, a man sitting at the table with Jesus exclaimed, “What a blessing it will be to attend a banquet in the Kingdom of God!” Jesus replied with this story: “A man prepared a great feast and sent out many invitations. When the banquet was ready, he sent his servant to tell the guests, ‘Come, the banquet is ready. But they all began making excuses. One said, ‘I have just bought a field and must inspect it. Please excuse me. Another said, ‘I have just bought five pairs of oxen, and I want to try them out. Please excuse me. Another said, ‘I now have a wife, so I can’t come.’

3. Matthew 7:3-5 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

Edited November 9, 2020 by blankisomeone