How could a suicidal mass murderer feel such strong love but not have wounds healed?

[blankisomeone]

These are various excerpts taken from Dylan Klebold's journal (the guy from the Columbine High School massacre). He explains love beautifully, so how could he be in such existential pain? Why didn't love heal him of his madness?

EXCERPTS [the red stuff in square brackets are my comments]:

"You don't consciously know who I am, & doubtedly unconsciously too. I, who write this, love you beyond infinice. I think about you all the time, how this world would be a better place If you loved me as I do you." [GOD SHOWING HIS LOVE]

"To most people, I appear.. well... almost scary, but that's who I appear to be as people are afraid of what they don't understand." [PEOPLE CALLING GOD DEATH]

"Anyway, you have noticed me a few times, I catch every one of these gazes w. an open heart." [GLIMPSES OF BEAUTY AND ENLIGHTENMENT]

"existence is like infinity times itself. ∞ ∞ "

"I UNDERSTAND
THE EVERYTHING
I AM THE GOD
OF THE EVERYTHING" [I wonder, was he in such pain that God actually spoke through him and these words were genuine? Or was he just being egotistical? We can never know, only speculate...]

"i love my
self" [SO WHY KILL YOURSELF AND HURT OTHERS?]

"Love is more valuable than anything I know. To love is to enter a completion of one's self." [SPOT ON, RIGHT?]

"everything
is true...
my love is
genuine
Love...
existence for
ever is the
happiness"

"Some have wealth,
some have power, some have great intellect, yet i feel
an infinant # of times greater than those as i
have found my true love." [SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING A PEACEFUL TIBETAN MONK WOULD SAY, YET HE WAS NO PEACEFUL MONK]

"Self-awareness.....
Infinince.....
Existence.....
Knowledge.....
Neutrality.....
Possibility of Happiness.....
Understanding of the everything....." [SOUNDS LIKE MY LIST OF WORDS TO CONTEMPLATE]

Edited November 6, 2020 by blankisomeone

[Shunyata]

Do you think the sources are original?

If yes, then i don't even know what to say... some parts though actually make him sound like one of those religious fanatics full of their own righteous self. 

[Shunyata]

I'd say don't trust anyone's words ever. 

He could have just copied some words of different sages to have a certain 'look'. We never know? But one thing is clear; No sane person would ever do such a horrible thing.

[Osaid]

wtf

that is really weird

[No Self]

If it's legitimate, keep in mind that certain conditions like bipolar can make people profoundly insightful at times and very dangerous at other times. We need to stop labelling people as 'good' or 'bad'.

[The0Self]

Just a theory:

He was very depressed and had a lot of shame. He was kind, but awkward, stressed, and not popular at school. Very damaged ego. Humility is seen in his words here. What was left of his ego really didn't like the feeling of humility, so the psychological construct of vulnerable narcissism developed as a result. He became corrupted by the ego of the far more confident and popular (but still somewhat of an outcast) Eric Harris (huge ego; psychopath; grandiose narcissist), and their constructs fit each other like yin-yang and all hell broke loose. Eric gave Dylan purpose; Dylan gave Eric admiration.

Edited November 5, 2020 by The0Self

[blankisomeone]

39 minutes ago, The0Self said:

Just a theory:

He was very depressed and had a lot of shame. He was kind, but awkward, stressed, and not popular at school. Very damaged ego. Humility is seen in his words here. What was left of his ego really didn't like the feeling of humility, so the psychological construct of vulnerable narcissism developed as a result. He became corrupted by the ego of the far more confident and popular (but still somewhat of an outcast) Eric Harris (huge ego; psychopath; grandiose narcissist), and their constructs fit each other like yin-yang and all hell broke loose. Eric gave Dylan purpose; Dylan gave Eric admiration.

Yeah, Eric's journal has a very different tone. The oppposite. Much more masculine, articulate and aggressive, while Dylan was more feminine and his writings were purely emotional with no structure.

They should've gotten married instead of killing people, if Eric wasn't such a homophobe lol

I was just so surprised when I read how much Dylan was writing about love.

Edited November 5, 2020 by blankisomeone

[blankisomeone]

On 05/11/2020 at 6:39 PM, No Self said:

If it's legitimate, keep in mind that certain conditions like bipolar can make people profoundly insightful at times and very dangerous at other times. We need to stop labelling people as 'good' or 'bad'.

He was supposedly writing a lot about love because he was in love with a girl. Maybe he thought that's what love boils down to: loving another girl. But the girl didn't love him back. He felt genuine love for the girl. Some people even say the girl he was in love with was imaginary, though.

But, still, it's very weird how he writes about self-love, God, consciousness, self-awareness, infinity. He even says he is God

Edited November 9, 2020 by blankisomeone

[wavydude]

really weird if he truly felt such incredible self love he wouldn't commit acts of pure hatred, seems like he was just delusional

[from chaos into self]

You can be unstable and still feel love. Love isn’t a cure-all

[lmfao]

@blankisomeone Many a poetic, emotional and thoughtful people have committed suicide. If you felt your life was reaching an end or conclusion, anyone would become existential and emotional. Often times the people who are most disturbed and in suffering are the most existential and romantic.  (Careful not to draw an arrow of causality there) 

You see, there's one big romance all humans invariably have. And that's the ego. Deep down, we are in love with our life story and our own journey. We don't find anything as interesting as ourselves. And this is universally a source of emotion, poetic ramblings, etc. 

Edited November 9, 2020 by lmfao

[_Archangel_]

i just see a kid with a pretty good predisposition for philosophy class playing poet before resolving his emotional traumas in tragedy. he probably didn't really bother to sit down and contemplate his own writings. 

3 hours ago, blankisomeone said:

But, still, it's very weird how he writes about self-love, God, consciousness, self-awareness, infinity. He even says he is God

Many poeple can be good abstract thinkers, but often they lack the introspection to deal with concrete personal problems.
By looking up in the sky, they avoid confrontation with reality. 
i made a quick research and i find out that he was said to be depressed after many failures, having STPD and being heavily paranoic. According to his writing he thought everyone hated him. He also mention to hate himself.

When he says to be God, i think means that had realized that he had the power to atleast do what he did, since his life was so fucked up (in his mind).

Edited November 9, 2020 by _Archangel_

[Bojan V]

His wounds were not healed and he didn't feel any love.

[Display_Name]

Nice share 

[blankisomeone]

On 09/11/2020 at 2:49 PM, from chaos into self said:

Love isn’t a cure-all

I thought it was?

[mandyjw]

I suspect and have experienced that antisocial behavior (although usually it's withdrawing from social life completely rather than lashing out) can be a result of understanding the true power of love and a complete unwillingness to settle for less in relationships. The disparity between what one knows themselves to be deep down but cannot embody or see reflected in the world becomes too painful to bear. The disparity is all that is noticed and in the focus on it, the love is lost. There is no disparity, no self and other but most teenagers are too immature to even begin to go there on their own. If the proper guidance isn't there, that kind of passion with no outlet or understanding can ignite into something destructive. 

 

 

Edited November 11, 2020 by mandyjw

[Heart of Space]

Anyone can write words.

Same reason why this section of the forum is full of twenty somethings who are apparently enlightened gurus after meditating 3 months and had their first psychedelic experience.  

It's extremely easy to learn how to walk and talk like a spiritual person yet be living in complete delusion.  Just like you can be angry neurotic murderer and yet sound like someone who has spiritual understanding.

[lmfao]

5 hours ago, mandyjw said:

I suspect and have experienced that antisocial behavior (although usually it's withdrawing from social life completely rather than lashing out) can be a result of understanding the true power of love and a complete unwillingness to settle for less in relationships. The disparity between what one knows themselves to be deep down but cannot embody or see reflected in the world becomes too painful to bear. The disparity is all that is noticed and in the focus on it, the love is lost. There is no disparity, no self and other but most teenagers are too immature to even begin to go there on their own. If the proper guidance isn't there, that kind of passion with no outlet or understanding can ignite into something destructive. 

^ This

[Lyubov]

2 hours ago, Heart of Space said:

Anyone can write words.

Same reason why this section of the forum is full of twenty somethings who are apparently enlightened gurus after meditating 3 months and had their first psychedelic experience.  

It's extremely easy to learn how to walk and talk like a spiritual person yet be living in complete delusion.  Just like you can be angry neurotic murderer and yet sound like someone who has spiritual understanding.

yeah I agree. he may have even had a mystical experience or two which can be induced due to deep suffering but it is no guarantee of automatic healing or not falling back into a destructive pattern. 

[Michal__]

Maybe killing others gives you the same experience as if you killed your false self.

I can't be sure, but it definitely sounds logical, since a lot of murderers seem to have mystical insights.

You know, it takes the same type of courage to kill your own ego.

Maybe he's just babbling about something he doesn't understand though.