Most Hardcore

[Gesundheit]

I have a lot of free time now. So for the time coming, I plan on devoting at least the next three months for awareness practices, mainly and namely; meditation, surrendering, strong determination sittings, hand observation, relaxation and body awareness, shamanic breathing (maybe), slowing down, walking meditation, crying if necessary, cold showers (maybe), running, exercising, yoga (breathing and body exercises), mouth/belly breathing, silence, mindfulness, and a few more I don't recall at the moment. On top of that, I also plan on raging a wide-range war on dopamine. So; no pmo (no fap), no music, no video games, no watching movies or series, no useless or mindless social media surfing, and no useless or mindless chatter in real life. Basically, 100% dopamine detox for as long as possible. Any activity that involves pleasure, I will be cutting off and making awareness of. Even if the activity is high awareness itself, I will try to make more awareness of it instead of enjoying it. 

Since I have some of the above practices implemented in my life, I am already at high levels of awareness, actually very high (like ×1000) compared to where I was three years ago. My life was basically running on autopilot. I don't even know how I was living. These days, every time I read something or watch a movie that I had read or seen from that time, I discover that I am now reading/watching a very different book/movie. I now possess something I didn't use to, or more like I was just reading/watching air at that time.

With this journal, I want to test the limits of high awareness once again. Two years ago, I'd done that for the first time, and it had been a good experience. I want to see what will happen now with my already enhanced awareness, fixed depression, a few other major fixes, and many other minor fixes. And just like last time, there will be no mercy. If I decide to go, I will go all in. And for that, I will journal about this adventure here. Writing things out creates more awareness, and the public space adds more discipline and responsibility, and a feeling of accountability. And it's also relieving to talk about things here as an emotional outlet. This is gonna basically be the practical implementation of my other journal:

I don't know how much awareness I can handle, or how long I will last. I don't even know if I will actually get it started. It seems like a good opportunity that I don't feel like wasting. That, and the fact that I feel bored with the mundane life and everything happening within it anyway. I'll probably decide during next week after I take care of a few things.

Gesundheit, reporting in.

And we'll see.

Edited November 4, 2020 by Gesundheit

[Gesundheit]

All right, it's decided. Starting from tomorrow I will be running the observer mode on 99% efficiency. Basically, I will be meditating and in silence all day long, and nothing shall escape the light of awareness.

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I will allow myself only a little bit of low consciousness (entertainment) throughout the day. And that'll be:

15 minutes max of internet usage divided on 1 to 3 occasions per day to check on things that are happening around me in the world. (Journalling here does not count).

30 minutes max listening to music per day.

1 Friends episode (20 minutes) max per day. I'm currently watching it for the first time and it's great so far. I don't want to miss the show even though it's old.

1 design course video max per day regardless of the duration.

That's about two hours, and all of it is optional. I may not feel like doing anything at all at some point. I don't know.

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No video games. Zero. Blank. At least for the next few weeks.

2 masturbation sessions max per week.

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Will try to report here everyday if I feel like it. And will update my plans each week, ideally.

No rewards or punishments. Just total honesty and awareness. If I slack off, I will make sure I don't judge myself but instead just be aware of what's happening. This isn't about achieving some future goals. It's just about being present, accepting reality, and increasing awareness.

The planned practices are mentioned in the original post. I may not specify what I practice each day. The most important thing is to be aware.

I guess that's it for now. Will update the day after tomorrow.

Edited November 9, 2020 by Gesundheit

[Gesundheit]

First day; piece of cake. Woke up at 6:00 AM, and now it's 7 PM. I feel drowsy and I'm gonna sleep soon.

• No porn or masturbation or video games ✔
• 30 minutes of music or less ✔
• 15 minutes of internet usage or less ✔
• 1 Friends episode (20 minutes) ✔
• 1 design course video ✔

A few insights and glimpses. Nothing worth mentioning. General theme is practicality. Will see how it unfolds.

I've noticed that the commitment I made to journal about the progress I'm making is being counter-productive. For this reason and from now on, I will most likely only journal when something major or extraordinary happens, whether it's a breakthrough or a breakdown. Anything less than that is not worth talking about, I guess. Maybe I will report if I fail to meet the criteria in the check-list as well. We'll see.

[Gesundheit]

Yesterday was a total failure. Gosh! It's so hard to follow a retreat system at home. But anyway, I was able to surrender myself, and funnily enough I reconnected to not-knowing and self-love to a certain degree, and I also started shifting from thinking to being. I had experienced much deeper levels of connection with source in the past than now it pales in comparison, but still it's good progress. Now I started seeing with my eyes again! It's as though I was blind of some sorts. And now it's like I broke out of the control of thoughts. They don't affect me like they used to do.

At some point I kinda gave up the challenge and thought it was pointless. Now I'm back on track, although not fully. I will allow more stuff on the expense of other unnecessary stuff. It's getting interesting.

[Gesundheit]

Currently in a high state of consciousness/euphoria. A lot of thoughts and delusions, but feeling really, really good. So fuck awareness for now, I will enjoy myself. It's been a long time since I last experienced a high state. I'm postponing all practices until further notice.

Let me drown in a convalescent bliss!