Spirituality without having basic needs met/Manipulating myself through spirituality

[jbeckk]

I am an 18yo old boy from western europe. Im currently in highschool and have been struggling a lot since getting into it. In the first year i noticed how i didnt have any social skills, making me kind of depressed because i wasnt able to connect to people (i also held myself back because i felt like i was something better than most of them). Also i dont have any discipline which makes school very stressful. First i got into self help, only theoretically understanding it without taking any action, then later into spirituality. I am very passionate about it but somehow i still dont put anything into practise. I feel like my misinterpretation of some spiritual principles, which i didnt fully understand, left me worse off. For example i often told myself that i should be happy without needing anything external, leaving me isolated and actively holding myself off of socalizing(because i felt like it is bad to have fun with others if you cant have fun on your own). And sometime i look around myself, seing people that clearly did not think as much as i did but still they are way happier and more productive than me. Also a big one is taking "being" as an excuse to be depressed/lazy. I subconsciously just want to do nothing and i tell myself i just wanna "be" but actually its just low consciousness behaviour because i dont have motivation to do anything. And now i dont really know in which direction to go in, should i totally shut myself off of spirituality or work to dissolve my ego even if my ego right now clearly is disfunctional? 

[JosephKnecht]

Spirituality should not be used as an escape from reality, but rather as an amplifier of reality. 

You can't escape who you are. Ask yourself, what is that you truly want? Do you want to have fun with others, socialize, be productive like your friends? If that is what you truly want, you should learn how to get it.

But if you truly want nothing, then that is what you will get.

What do you really want? 

[Natasha]

@jbeckk Most likely you still live in a family home and are being taken care of by your parents. That's not going to last forever, so developing some survival skills like earning $$ to get your own shelter and food would be of importance. Unless you'd be ok living on a street/ in a card box and feeding yourself from donations on the side of the road. The choice is yours.