Extremely irritable and angered partner

[Schnaby]

I am moving in with my partner soon, however he has extreme anger management issues. I have told him in the past that I am worried about moving in with him, with my cat. As I am worried he will do something harmful to me or my cat. He said he will do something to my cat if I do something wrong and act stupid. My bf flips the switch for any little thing. I walk on eggshells around him, I hardly even bring up any conversation or reply’s to his, as to avoid conflict. I never know what is going to agitate him. It is extremely un-normal. 
I haven’t mentioned to him my worry about him doing something to my cat when we move, but the fear is still in the back of my head. It’s sad, because he says he’s so spiritually advanced, and recognizes his faults, yet how can he still say something like this if he is? 
There is certainly some sort of chemical imbalance going on for him, and he says he will be better once he moves out of his parents house, but I’m still frightened that he will not change. The hope for change, is the only reason why I hold onto this relationship and deal with the abuse. I have had my turmoil with anger management myself, and yoga/pilates/psychedelics/spirituality has helped calm me very much. I have hope for him, but is it possible for someone to be so mean and cruel all the time, to even threaten an animals life, actually going to change? 

[Eph75]

This may come across as harsh, but, to you, does it seems like a healthy thing to move in with him? It is not your job to fix him. Leave, and focus on dealing with your own pathology instead of focusing on him.

Edited November 3, 2020 by Eph75

[AnTe]

the hope for change is within yourself, chances are you fell in love with the image and expectation of him rather than him. all this speaks of your personal value and self worth and mainly what you feel you deserve. its important to recognize your needs vs wants because it's hard to truly appreciate what you can't live without. it'll eventually turn to resentment on both parts because of inauthenticity.

[Average Investor]

The last thing you want to do is get stuck in some rental agreement with this guy. I mean you might need to experience it to believe it, but I honestly hope that you are able to get yourself out of this. Take a step back and review the stuff I mentioned on the other thread and what others are saying here. 

You don't want to be stuck trying to fix this guys issues. Someone threatening to hurt your cat is very close to hurting humans next. 

1 hour ago, Schnaby said:

I haven’t mentioned to him my worry about him doing something to my cat when we move, but the fear is still in the back of my head. It’s sad, because he says he’s so spiritually advanced, and recognizes his faults, yet how can he still say something like this if he is? 

No one who is spiritually evolved is going to be threatening to hurt/kill animals in my experience. Acknowledging the problem is a start, but that is does not mean it is going to change. That is a big shift for someone to make. It could literally take years for someone to develop out of that and possibly they won't. You don't want to gamble your own well being on that. This type of behavior is very common for abusive people. 

[seeking_brilliance]

Please don't move in with him. 

[Opo]

Run. 

Even if he doesn't do anything living in fear is not worth it. 

[Schnaby]

Thanks for everyone’s input. I have stuck up for myself a lot in the beginning of this relationship, until I realized that it wasn’t worth giving into his fire, for the sake of an argument getting out of hand. It truly doesn’t seem like I can ever get through to him. It’s unlike me to allow someone to put me down and shame me like this, I am typically strong willed and independent. I have never dated someone like this in my life; I had an amazing boyfriend before him and I foolishly left him. I have a lot of compassion and understanding, but my mistake is forgetting to have that same compassion for myself, and to stop making excuses for other people’s behavior. I’m going to stand up to him about this situation, and I realize if he blows steam from this, then I’m going to have to let him go, otherwise I am enabling this behavior and getting further away from the strong, loving person I truly am. 
it’s hurtful because he says he’s so spiritually advanced than me, so I stick with him to see what light side of himself is there, but all I see is the cruel world, dark side of him. It is not easy to date someone with mental illness, and I have a lot of patience, but at some point it is disrespect to myself. 

[Eph75]

You are going to reason yourself into moving in with him, you are "already there", he will seem like he wants to change and you will fully buy into it. You want to fix him, a lot of people have this need when there's something they have that needs to be fixing in themselves, and turning away from that into fixing someone else, becomes more graspable.

But hey, it is time to wake up, you can't fix others. They can only fix themselves. Just like you need to have the motivation to change yourself, to make the change needed in you happen. 

Also, if there are these kind of tendencies before living together, at a stage where people usually show their best sides, the indication is that it will get [much] worse when you two are tighter linked by living together. 

It is at these kind of moments there should not be created too much room for over-thinking the situation, and instead to just get out! - and for the simple reason that no-one has the right to impose these kind of behaviors onto others, and no-one should allow themselves to be someone else's stepping stone. 

You both have issues, his may be destructive and more visible, but you are in denial of your own pathological behavior towards this, as many people that are "caught" in abusive relationships are.

A good thing is that you say that you don't have a pattern of being/selecting/having these kind of relationships "finding you", and that's good.

So let's not start such a pattern now, right? 

Up and leave, immediately. Contemplate what you need to work on with yourself. Life goes on. More caring people will cross you path.

Edited November 4, 2020 by Eph75

[Gesundheit]

I mean, why are you even in touch with a narcissist? I run a miles away from such people. Lack of self-respect is the only reason why you're allowing others to treat you like a doormat.

[evgn]

People what you are doing? Why are you spending time with abusive partner? Why are you tolerating abuse and hope for change? It wont change believe me.

As a gesundheit said you have some issues with your self esteem otherwise you wouldnt let someone treate you like a shit. 

I am a man and also guilty of that, i fall for girls who doesnt give a shit about me and treat me poor.

[evgn]

He is quite deluded, since he thinks that is spiritually advanced  

[Bessie]

I’m not sure anyone who would even use the phrase “do something to your cat” is a safe bet
 

that’s just a messed up thought process. When they said that, you knew, it was time for you to fly

unless they are super rich. Then screw the cat get that money