Is it even worth getting a girlfriend?

[Strangeloop]

I never had a girlfriend for longer than 3weeks... Sounds pathetic to me. It is how it is though. 

I've been thinking. if I somehow manage to get a girlfriend. then it would take some resources to keep her, mental and material like money. I would need to give attention to the relationship to the partner. It sounds like I'll have to take responsibility on what I say to her, if I promise her anything I'll have to keep that promise.

And then again I would need money to get her places, to have dinner and stuff. 

I also think that I need a car to have a girlfriend. Most guys my age have them both, girls and cars.

 

I dont know amy thoughts?

[Thestarguitarist14]

There are only three reasons to get a girlfriend/get married 

1)Domestic needs (owning a home, cleaning, cooking,etc).

2)Having children.

3)Consistent sex.

If you are not looking for the first two and don’t mind not having consistent sex then you are better off just going and looking for fun.

You states some things that you believe you need to get a girlfriend.  All those are limiting beliefs.  While yes, those hold water with materialistic women, there are women who don’t care about any of that.

Also, stop comparing yourself to the guys around you.  I bet most of them also have mediocre relationships.  Is that what you want?

In your case, I’d suggest that you casually date two or three women.  That way you won’t become so attached.

[Strangeloop]

@Thestarguitarist14 You mean like having multiple girlfriends at the same time? 

It would break their hearts if they found out.

[Arcangelo]

No you tell them from the get go: -''I date''

Money is #1 when it comes to having a girlfriend.

[Thestarguitarist14]

19 minutes ago, Strangeloop said:

@Thestarguitarist14 You mean like having multiple girlfriends at the same time? 

It would break their hearts if they found out.

I wouldn’t call it having multiple girlfriends.  If they ask you if you are looking for a relationship just say “I am looking for the right person.”  
 

You are allowed to date as many women as you like.  As long as you don’t commit to one.

[Strangeloop]

Well okay. Then the idea is to date one person, then another, then another, then another. Hell, might as well have some fun while I search. Even if these dates I will go to don't work out I can always go to the next person and to the next. Though it might be a trap to search for the right person forever. 

And yes I just remembered@Thestarguitarist14 I do believe that I need to get a girlfriend. It's like everyone expects me to get one. 

[Byun Sean]

@Strangeloop

If you can,

Focus on personal development work and fulfilling yourself from the inside out before you go looking for a partner to enhance your inner experience of life

This will make you way less attached and needy and thus have way better relationships in the future.

You can get a girlfriend if you really want or meet an amazing person or whatever. But never forget about self actualization and consciousness work. 

Self actualization and consciousness work is like the solid brick that you stand upon that can't be taken from you. 

Once you have it you have it forever. Unlike a girlfriend or any other material thing which comes and goes.

 

Edited November 2, 2020 by Byun Sean

[Strangeloop]

@Byun Sean Yeah I guess so

[Thestarguitarist14]

6 minutes ago, Strangeloop said:

Well okay. Then the idea is to date one person, then another, then another, then another. Hell, might as well have some fun while I search. Even if these dates I will go to don't work out I can always go to the next person and to the next. Though it might be a trap to search for the right person forever. 

And yes I just remembered@Thestarguitarist14 I do believe that I need to get a girlfriend. It's like everyone expects me to get one. 

When I say for you to say “I am looking for the right person” that is for the women.  It really just communicates to them that while you are dating, you would get into a relationship if the right one appeared.

Here is the thing, you do not need a girlfriend.  Having a girlfriend would probably make your life a lot more complicated.  I know that because of the pandemic people are feeling more lonely.  But now is the time to really get into yourself and give yourself the love, happiness and fulfillment that you see.  Because let’s be honest, most modern day women can’t even love themselves, much less another human being.

[Emerald]

1 hour ago, Thestarguitarist14 said:

There are only three reasons to get a girlfriend/get married 

1)Domestic needs (owning a home, cleaning, cooking,etc).

2)Having children.

3)Consistent sex.

If you are not looking for the first two and don’t mind not having consistent sex then you are better off just going and looking for fun.

You states some things that you believe you need to get a girlfriend.  All those are limiting beliefs.  While yes, those hold water with materialistic women, there are women who don’t care about any of that.

Also, stop comparing yourself to the guys around you.  I bet most of them also have mediocre relationships.  Is that what you want?

In your case, I’d suggest that you casually date two or three women.  That way you won’t become so attached.

You really don't get a lot out of relationships do you? 

Relationships are really about depth and exploration of one another's souls and merging together as a reflection of the divine. Getting to know another human being at the deepest and most intimate level.

But your relationships sound like a domestic chore. Like a boring roommate situation with some mutual masturbation thrown in for laughs. It sounds way better for you to stay single.

 

[Emerald]

2 hours ago, Strangeloop said:

I never had a girlfriend for longer than 3weeks... Sounds pathetic to me. It is how it is though. 

I've been thinking. if I somehow manage to get a girlfriend. then it would take some resources to keep her, mental and material like money. I would need to give attention to the relationship to the partner. It sounds like I'll have to take responsibility on what I say to her, if I promise her anything I'll have to keep that promise.

And then again I would need money to get her places, to have dinner and stuff. 

I also think that I need a car to have a girlfriend. Most guys my age have them both, girls and cars.

 

I dont know amy thoughts?

Rethink what a relationship is. It seems like things just haven't stuck because you haven't yet gotten onto a path of mutual growth.

I see relationships as a path towards deeper self-exploration and integration and a process of learning more about yourself by learning more about the other person. It's all about intimacy and deep exploration.

It's also a partnership for getting through life together.

So, I feel your focus is only toward the maintenance of the relationship without knowing what the benefits can be.

If you wants sex, just go for sex. There is no need for deep relationship if that's the case. The maintenance isn't worth it if sex is all you're seeking.

But if you want a relationship with all its potentials for intimacy with another human being who takes your best interests to heart and vice versa, the maintenance is VERY much worth the effort. It's one of the best investments you can make.

[Thestarguitarist14]

33 minutes ago, Emerald said:

You really don't get a lot out of relationships do you? 

Relationships are really about depth and exploration of one another's souls and merging together as a reflection of the divine. Getting to know another human being at the deepest and most intimate level.

But your relationships sound like a domestic chore. Like a boring roommate situation with some mutual masturbation thrown in for laughs. It sounds way better for you to stay single.

 

What you are saying is a nice fantasy.  A good ideal.  It’s just not the reality.

Most people get into relationships because of their attachment styles matching up which allows them to believe that they can meet each other’s needs.  Throw in sexual attraction and you got some “love” and “chemistry”.  Sadly, once the illusion wears off you have two people only staying together to satisfy their carnal desires at best.  Which is why the divorce rate is at 51%.
 

If people were to be interested in changing up the old relationship paradigm that would be one thing.  Believe me, I tried.  The problem is, it takes two to tango.  So in a way, being single is better.

[Emerald]

44 minutes ago, Thestarguitarist14 said:

What you are saying is a nice fantasy.  A good ideal.  It’s just not the reality.

Most people get into relationships because of their attachment styles matching up which allows them to believe that they can meet each other’s needs.  Throw in sexual attraction and you got some “love” and “chemistry”.  Sadly, once the illusion wears off you have two people only staying together to satisfy their carnal desires at best.  Which is why the divorce rate is at 51%.
 

If people were to be interested in changing up the old relationship paradigm that would be one thing.  Believe me, I tried.  The problem is, it takes two to tango.  So in a way, being single is better.

I have experienced relationships like this. So, I know it isn't just a fantasy. Relationship is deep form of consciousness work if it is oriented to properly.

But relationships shouldn't be vetted on longevity but on depth. The problem is that so many people think that, "In order for a relationship to be a good relationship it has to last forever." But this is not the case most of the time. I healthy divorce rate would probably be much higher like 80%. Most people think the divorce rate is too high. But I think it is way too low.

A relationship is like a slow entwining of two lives together. It is sometimes possible to have a life-long relationship. But mostly, there eventually comes to be a growing apart where neither party is benefiting from the relationship. But this doesn't mean that the relationship didn't serve them or their growth.

What I'm trying to tell you is that you seem not to have yet unlocked this potentiality in relationship. So, you go seeking for these needs in an unfulfilling way that's just a chore instead of an adventure into the soul of another person.

I would certainly stay single if that was all relationship was was some convenient way to get sex or to get help around the house. That sounds super boring.

 

 

[Applegarden]

4 hours ago, Strangeloop said:

I never had a girlfriend for longer than 3weeks... Sounds pathetic to me. It is how it is though. 

I've been thinking. if I somehow manage to get a girlfriend. then it would take some resources to keep her, mental and material like money. I would need to give attention to the relationship to the partner. It sounds like I'll have to take responsibility on what I say to her, if I promise her anything I'll have to keep that promise.

And then again I would need money to get her places, to have dinner and stuff. 

I also think that I need a car to have a girlfriend. Most guys my age have them both, girls and cars.

 

I dont know amy thoughts?

I don't know, haven't had one. I feel like i am here just to achieve liberation mainly and to horse around with music. x) Life is short. Live it, don't bother at looking what others have that you don't. Everyone is in a hurry to tell you how to live, yet our lives are pretty crap. And those who have gf/bf, some of them wish they were single.

[Thestarguitarist14]

34 minutes ago, Emerald said:

I have experienced relationships like this. So, I know it isn't just a fantasy. Relationship is deep form of consciousness work if it is oriented to properly.

But relationships shouldn't be vetted on longevity but on depth. The problem is that so many people think that, "In order for a relationship to be a good relationship it has to last forever." But this is not the case most of the time. I healthy divorce rate would probably be much higher like 80%. Most people think the divorce rate is too high. But I think it is way too low.

A relationship is like a slow entwining of two lives together. It is sometimes possible to have a life-long relationship. But mostly, there eventually comes to be a growing apart where neither party is benefiting from the relationship. But this doesn't mean that the relationship didn't serve them or their growth.

What I'm trying to tell you is that you seem not to have yet unlocked this potentiality in relationship. So, you go seeking for these needs in an unfulfilling way that's just a chore instead of an adventure into the soul of another person.

I would certainly stay single if that was all relationship was was some convenient way to get sex or to get help around the house. That sounds super boring.

 

 

I mean yes, everyone experiences growth from relationships.  The problem is that most people don’t see this and continue to operate within the old relationship paradigm of neediness.

I never said that relationships need to last forever.  But last time I checked the point of a marriage is so that you just can’t leave.  The fact that most people end up leaving that contract speaks volumes.

What you are saying is very romantic, but is not the reality for most.  Buddhism sees relationships as a way that you get attached to another.  A source of suffering.

Let’s be honest, most people do not want to go into another’s “soul”.  They want to own a home in the suburbs and have sex.  There is nothing wrong with that.  But most people are not looking for relationships to achieve actualization.  They are looking to fulfill needs and heal childhood wounds.

At the end of the day, a relationship is a transaction.  Marriage are legal contracts.  There is nothing wrong with being with someone for domestic needs and sex.  That is a part of the human experience.  At least if you can say this you are being honest with yourself.

[Thestarguitarist14]

27 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

The point here is that the commodification of the relationship is a big hindrence to its quality. Marriage are not only a legal contract, the legal contract is a fiction which officialize for the state and society a durable bound between two persons.

Just my two cent, if you would get married and treat your wife like she owes you sex as a counterparty, I guarentee it will become a dreadful experience for both of you.

I would say that ship has been sailed since arranged marriages became a thing...

And it is not so much as I am saying to expect someone to have sex with you when you demand it (though a lot of guys believe this is how relationships work), but a lot of guys will only get into relationships because they would rather know for sure that they are having sex two to four times a week versus being single and having dry spells.  Most guys do not have the game nor the energy to be single so a relationship is safer for them.  That’s just a fact.

[Strangeloop]

I've been single my whole life and yes, getting into relationship seems like a chore to me. It's like I would need to help her out with stuff. I would need to listen to her, obligate myself to her. And it doesn't sound interesting, because it's something I have to do, just to try it. Just to have sex and maybe some of this "looking into each other's soul" kinda thing. It would be nice though. It would be nice to have someone to open up to deeply. Tell them my secrets and have conversations about life. It's just wishful thinking though.

As you said for now I'll focus on myself, loving myself, practicing my arts, doing some bussiness on fb and youtube, instagram. Reading, exercise etc.

 

[Shin]

It's wishful thinking with toxic/selfish girls.

Or if you can't open up yourself.

Otherwise you'd be surprise how easy it is to be deeply intimate.

Edited November 3, 2020 by Shin

[nistake]

5 hours ago, Strangeloop said:

I've been single my whole life and yes, getting into relationship seems like a chore to me. It's like I would need to help her out with stuff. I would need to listen to her, obligate myself to her. And it doesn't sound interesting, because it's something I have to do, just to try it. Just to have sex and maybe some of this "looking into each other's soul" kinda thing. It would be nice though. It would be nice to have someone to open up to deeply. Tell them my secrets and have conversations about life. It's just wishful thinking though.

As you said for now I'll focus on myself, loving myself, practicing my arts, doing some bussiness on fb and youtube, instagram. Reading, exercise etc.

 

You do you. Maybe in the meantime you'll bump into a conscious girl where you support each other and the relationship won't feel like a chore or burden. Of course, these kind of girls won't knock on your door, so it's best to keep an eye out and initiate if you feel like it.

[Michael569]

20 hours ago, Strangeloop said:

never had a girlfriend for longer than 3weeks... Sounds pathetic to me. It is how it is though. 

I've been thinking. if I somehow manage to get a girlfriend. then it would take some resources to keep her, mental and material like money. I would need to give attention to the relationship to the partner. It sounds like I'll have to take responsibility on what I say to her, if I promise her anything I'll have to keep that promise.

And then again I would need money to get her places, to have dinner and stuff. 

I also think that I need a car to have a girlfriend. Most guys my age have them both, girls and cars.

 

I dont know amy thoughts?

I think, in a way it is better to be single than being in a bunch of toxic relationships with needy immature girls (or boys). 

On the other hand, a conscious and deeply spiritual relationship is possible. You can decide to enter ina relationship to grow each other and create an environment where both share openly and both help the other to grow Read the "love" chapter in Road Less Travelled  

The way you talk about having a girlfriend is kinda like having a car to maintain. Costing money, costing time, costing effort. I wonder if this comes from the way your parent's relationship worked? Or maybe something else you've seen as a poor role modelling? A highly conscious woman does not need to be maintained with gifts & money. The type of woman who requires regular gifts and stuff is the one that will leave you for some asshole with more money and an expensive car. You don't need that sort of person in your life, they are dysfunctional and you can't fix them. 

Try to think about the relationship in a higher way, less materialistic perhaps. Those relationships can be created & there are couples out there like this. You just don't see them as much as you see codependent toxic trashy relationships.