Fear Of Commitment

[klab]

Having been happily married for about 7 yrs of a 27 yr marriage, I finally got the strength to leave my husband.  I had been having an affair with a close friend for a few months and decided I was done with marriage.  I fell in love with this man, although he is not the reason I left my husband.  I thought he was also falling in. love with me but I knew he was extremely scared of the idea.  It was wonderful when we were together, although he has had serious issues with depression and a huge fear of commitment.  He hadn't been in a relationship in years. Because of financial reasons, I was forced to live in the house with husband/family for more than a yr.  My affair continued to grow and our love became undeniable.  We have now been together for two wonderful years and the relationship is more than I could have ever hoped for.  Here's the problem.  I found out that a year ago, a year into our relationship, he cheated on me with a young girl at work and, of course, lied about it for a year.  I asked many times about this girl because I found a naked picture on his phone. He assured me back at that time that although he did a really shitty thing by flirting with this girl and it crossed a line, there was absolutely no physical contact.  He is a  guy who never got any attention from women as extremely flattered, which I can understand. I was crushed but decided to forgive him (although I honestly never did.)   She had married and moved across the country and there had been no contact.  Well, a few months ago he finally admitted that he had sex with her one time, a week before her wedding, and her husband allowed it.  Her and her husband also swapped partners with another couple that same week.  There was possibly even another man she banged that week before her wedding.  I find this a little sick but that's between her and husband (no surprise this marriage didn't make it to their one yr anniversary.)  The idea of the emotional infidelity bothered me so much that year, not knowing there was actual sex.  In an act of revenge, I had sex with an old fling one time, the week BEFORE I found out the truth.  So now here I am in this amazing relationship and I cannot enjoy it because all I think about is his lying and cheating (although my own infidelity doesn't seem to bother me.)  I wish I had never looked at his phone.  I would think that this was the best relationship ever.  Now, although we are very much in love,  I am obsessed with thoughts of their fling which lasted 3-4 months before they finally got permission to do it before the wedding.  So we both cheated but I still feel devastated and humiliated.  BTW, I am 50 and she is 25.  He told me he realized at half my age she only has half of what ive got.  He realizezdeverything he wants in a relationship he has with me and he was so scared if i knew a yr ago i wouldn't give him a chance.  My insecurity is at an all time high.  Does he deserve forgiveness or am I an idiot????

[flhugoboss]

It is Love that unites NOT sex. You both need to come clean and forgive and forget "each other". I don't know much about Love [still learning every day] but i know it is in-clusive of many things. Sex is ex-clusive. You first need to ask him to "forgive you". Yes, you need to tell him about your "infidelity" and beg and ask for his "forgiveness". That is the only way, you will have "security".

It's not what happened to him BEFORE, it is what happened to you, now - that matters. The only way, you can forgive him is to:

"Ask him to forgive YOU".

Sincerely,

Felix the Hugoboss

P.S. If you think you are smart - that he does not deserve forgiveness then just take action i.e. repeat your infidelity or stop this "amazing relationship" and will "never come to regret it one day".