Can I Have Your Opinion About This Experience That I Had?

[isabel]

My mom had a room in her home for me and my son, she would invite us to come and stay with her often, and we would go.

One day, my boyfriend threatened to kill me and he had recently purchased a gun so I was afraid. I called my mom and told her what was happening and I asked her if I and my son could come to her house for safety for a few days.

She said no. And she said the reason was that I would be "a little bit too much in her face for her comfort" at that time. (So me being murdered in front of her grandson didn't make her uncomfortable, I guess.) 

I wasn't much surprised that she said no, I was mostly confused because she asked me out there all the time, why not let me come out this time?

This is a typical example of how she's treated me, I honestly feel like my mom hates me and enjoys purposefully hurting me. If my brother ever needs anything at all she will go to the ends of the earth to save him from even the smallest inconvenience, he doesn't even pay his own bills and he's 42 years old. If I say anything about this situation I am branded as "out of touch with reality", "insanely jealous" and "out to get my brother" and so on.

Anyway, I stopped talking to her and I would very much appreciate any opinions or advice that you have. How she treats me is very bad right? I feel like it's very bad but I just want to know what other people think. I feel like I made the right decision to stop contact but then I start to doubt myself...

Thank you so much, this forum has been so incredibly helpful to me.

Edited August 31, 2016 by isabel

[J. M. Wigglesworth]

Are you still with the guy? Unless you have really bad social awareness and the guy was just joking. But you and your sone need to be out of there if you aren't already.  Please tell me no. Pretty please? 

If you aren't then don't read further.

Okay. Now that you're in a safe place, let's talk. Hmm... where to begin... at this point. I can offer you two things.

1. My sympathy for the ongoing situation and the effects it had on you and your child.

2. My congratulations for you having an incredible chance to grow.

You may not have been expecting #2. But it's quite true. This crisis with your boyfriend can be an opportunity for you to re-explore what must be a very hurtful relationship with your mother and how it has left it's mark on your psyche, even as a young girl. But I'm not the person to convince you of that. Instead, I'm going to refer you to the infamous spiritual gangster, Matt Kahn. This is some very high quality content, if you think you can handle it, I think it can greatly benefit you.

 

[isabel]

Thank you! No, no I left him after that, it was one of the hardest things I ever did, I had to rip myself away and I felt like I would die but I did it, that was 20 years ago!

My relationships were so intensely bad that I never dated again after that last one, I've tried but I'm just too afraid, I make really bad decisions, and people get hurt, me included. Yes, I am extremely messed up. But I feel like I might be turning it around now, I cut my mom out of my life...I don't have any horrible people left in my life now. 

[Ayla]

@isabel , search "narcissistic mother" and "scapegoat" on youtube. 

[Natasha]

@isabel These will help put things in perspective.. watch all 3

 

[isabel]

Oh my god, the last video describes me almost exactly. It's so strange, but yes that is definitely me, some of the details are a little bit different but other than that it's as if he was talking about me and my mom.

At around age 30, I figured out it was a good idea to do the exact opposite of whatever she was telling me to do. I lived by that idea. Also I made a point to NEVER let her see or know about any weakness, problems in my life, or failure on my part (it happened anyway lots of times but I tried). I knew not to do it, I knew what would happen, but I never knew why...until now. I am figuring this thing out.