Help!!!! The Enlightenment Insights Has Become Very Deep

[sgn]

I'm very very stressed now. It felt like I've made progress ridiculously fast!!! Feels like I really is standing with one feet in truth and the other in illusion.
The insight has become so deep that I can never go back to "normal" life. What I've "seen" can't be unseen. Unbelievable. I had to concentrate very intense when I contemplated several days ago but now it's the opposite. The mind automatically go into contemplating mode and I have to distract myself. How can I not think of this... I can't function really. I was out bicycling and walked for a long time thinking i would sit down in the woods somewhere and let go and be alone. Just walked around and cried instead. Didn't want my dad too become worried If I got a strong reaction of some sort so I walked outside .Didn't felt I dared to let go, and was thinking I want to sit in a dark, quiet room instead so if the senses turns up and smacks me in the head I can lessen the feeling of becoming overwhelmed a little. Which I had experience so strong couple of days ago, sitting at home contemplating. When I see a person it's scary as hell. It feels like I really get that it's really no one behind all that matter. I view them differently. And I view them more as biological machines now. Humans now triggers emotions and body  physical reactions in me. Seeing them closer to what they are. I think of nature, myself and others as just one giant machine now. Where everything just reacts to everything. Chains reactions. And free will seems not like a question any more. Which I have contemplated very hard. It is none. Something just happens because, something happened just before that, and something before caused that to happen etc etc etc.... Chain reactions. Or like energy moving to affect other energy and reason that even appeared is because of energy before that etc.  For examples if a person choose to move a body part or gets asked to say a random word is just a whole lot of energy before that reacting to each other than causing that thought . So there really was no free will. You can also picture everything like a giant machine. Everything in nature, including all biological organisms etc, like a big machine of gears. One gear moves based on which gears moved before that etc, and that before that etc. and because of this, that gear moves. And the reason why a specific thought for example appears can be explained that a gear moving caused it to move/appear, and the gears can be other thoughts, some sensations in body or something from outside circumstances for example. You can think that the gears are everywhere and just reacting to each other.
When I was outside walking I felt repeatedly that I was losing balance because the ground seemed to move. But it was just presence of it fluctuating like waves.
When I focus on the body it feels so different and scary, pointless, but still so obvious, simple etc. That's it's just isn't anything more to it. No one there who's controlling. Just chain reactions. And no free will etc.
I've done some other techniques to. Questions I learned from moojis videos that I really couldn't grasp and get anything out of just days before. But now the answers to the questions he said to ask yourself really seemed so obvious and I got strong emotional and physical reactions from them.
So I feel very stressed. Obviously the insight is not complete. But it feels VERY fucking deep. The perspective I start to get and everything that comes with it scares me. And it's just no way I can go back after this. Even just writing this text makes me feel pressure at the head, sounds changing and fear in the body etc. Feeling of everything being pointless, systematic and also lonely. I haven't slept in almost 30 hours and before that 1,5 hours of sleep. Can't close my eyes, it gets more intense. I even got a emotional and physical reaction just seeing a friends facebook pic.
If I really try to go for it completely now the insight for sure will get deeper I think. But then it maybe just lefts me there and I feel more stressed and afraid than before.

 

[Fishy]

Why is it stressing you? What is is, why are u stressing?

[cetus]

@Happiness I sounds as if you are experiencing ego death. All the stressing is you resisting. Let go of the noise in your mind and rest as awareness. Let what is just be. Think of this as a transitional faze that will all come together if you stop resisting. You'll be fine. In reality, nothing has changed at all.

[QandC]

@Happiness Same thing happened to me. 1 day before going on vacation, can you imagine? Was the worst days of my life. It was awful because your ego is trying to make sense of it all. Like the ego is trying to understand everything. Here is where you can make the real choice of letting go – see the ego for what it really is and just LET GO. 

[sgn]

Thanks all. I just felt that I can't except that it just is, once I saw what the definition of that was. Yes that's the ego doing that.

It's so weird that I only have done this work for like 5 days and come to this point already. But that's almost all I've done.

17 minutes ago, Quizzer said:

@Happiness Same thing happened to me. 1 day before going on vacation, can you imagine? Was the worst days of my life. It was awful because your ego is trying to make sense of it all. Like the ego is trying to understand everything. Here is where you can make the real choice of letting go – see the ego for what it really is and just LET GO. 

Worst days of your life?  Now I'm more scared to let go. Did you get enlightened after this?

[QandC]

@Happiness Worst days since I didn't let go, and No I didn't get enlightened. What happened to me was more that I saw through the illusion of separation. Couldn't you explain more what you EXPERIENCE? How is it bothering you? For me it was like I merged with reality and "I" was out of the equation. It was scary because as if I didn't do anything or controlled anything. 

[sgn]

25 minutes ago, Quizzer said:

@Happiness Worst days since I didn't let go, and No I didn't get enlightened. What happened to me was more that I saw through the illusion of separation. Couldn't you explain more what you EXPERIENCE? How is it bothering you? For me it was like I merged with reality and "I" was out of the equation. It was scary because as if I didn't do anything or controlled anything. 

I've heard shinzen young talk about that it could happen that you see the truth without the liberation,the bliss, and all them good feelings...
But that is were very rare and it could be fixed. If I understood him right. That is one thing I'm afraid of. More intense feelings of fear etc that I feel now and I panic, and instead like heaven on earth it becomes hell on earth. Afraid of the feeling of just falling. It really felt like I fell from a cliff couple of days ago. Everything just seems like the opposite of what I know. Like the unknown. Which I understand it really isn't. But that's the feeling. Maybe this scares me more than physical death because then there is nothing that can experience something and it could not feel.

Anyway. I think I'll lay down now for a bit...

[sgn]

42 minutes ago, Quizzer said:

@Happiness Worst days since I didn't let go, and No I didn't get enlightened. What happened to me was more that I saw through the illusion of separation. Couldn't you explain more what you EXPERIENCE? How is it bothering you? For me it was like I merged with reality and "I" was out of the equation. It was scary because as if I didn't do anything or controlled anything. 

Well when I see people more like something that just is now like I starting to view myself. Like machines. Feels depressing.
Nothing that's really there than matter that this matter that sits here and write can connect with. lol. Probably the ego that comes into play here and in enlightenment it doesn't matter. It goes in waves based how much I deny it, or distract myself.
It feels more like a machine like I said, Everything flows. Just reacting.

Edited August 30, 2016 by Happiness

[sgn]

2 minutes ago, Happiness said:

Well when I see people more like something that just is now like I starting to view myself. Like machines. Feels depressing.
Nothing that's really there than matter that this matter that sits here and write can connect with. lol. Probably the ego that comes into play here and in enlightenment it doesn't matter. It goes in waves based how much I deny it, or distract myself.
But I still starting to realize the oneness in everything. Nothing is separate. Everything is in this together and is really the same.
All nature and humans are nature.
It feels more like a machine like I said, Everything flows. Just reacting.

 

[sgn]

Lol I'm such a forum newb...

[Flicker_boy]

maybe you wanna check this out 

other than that just relax and keep practicing, it's not like you're dying or anything ;-D

[Juan Cruz Giusto]

Ask who is aware of all this, don't get involved in experiences. The mind cannot know consciousness, consciousness can only know itself so don't try to rationalize all this shit because you are gonna drive yourself xrazy. I've been there and its awful so I know how you are feeling.. All the thing you are experiencing are created by the mind so realize that and ask who is aware and meditate.. Hope that I helped ☺ 

[Emerald]

I just made a video about the discomforts of seeking enlightenment. I've been experiencing the same kind of depressing feeling and conceptions that you are. I even thought of the machine metaphor that you came up with. It's funny how people on the same path tend to see the same trees. I hope that it's helpful.

 

[Leo Gura]

All par for the course. After deep insights often comes the Dark Night of Soul. The key is to not get unnerved by it, and continue your practices, continue applying mindfulness to the negative reactions. And remember not to throw your everyday life in the toilet or do anything rash while in this negative funk. Remember it will pass and deep levels of equanimity will follow.

You can also ease up on yourself. Learn to trust your emotions, to read them, to be kind towards yourself, and to know when to take your foot of the pedal so you don't spin out. This doesn't have to be some mad dash for enlightenment. It's important to remember to stay grounded and mature throughout this whole process and to know give way to foolish reactions and delusions of grandeur.

[sgn]

Thank you all for answering. I read everything and really think about it much. I also watched the video that was linked. I eventually managed to get asleep after 41 hours of being awake. And when I woke up I felt the insight was further away but still deep. I know which process and questions and perspectives that gets me deeper and deeper in it again just focusing a couple of minutes. What will then happen If I contemplate this for a couple of hours. Hmm. And the feeling one can experience of a big rock rock that fells from the chest that feels liberating, well this feeling is the opposite. The stone gets heavier and heavier. And the whole body feels heavier. Like if you would see someone close to you die and you just want to get on your knees and break down. But now instead it's you and everyone and everything. It feels very scary to look in the mirror and starting to realize what you are and I start to feel that I'm not identifying with it. I start to feel like it get's hard to control the body. The movements sometimes don't go as planned because the body feels so different. I for example missed the handle to the bathroom door and other similarly things. Feels like I loose balance when I walk. Wonder what happens If I just contemplate for a couple of hours. Problem is I'm not by myself all the time and maybe I would get very emotional and cry which I've done a lot I'm afraid that it would worry others because they can't understand and they'll think I'm loosing grip of reality if I told, when in fact I'm getting closer to it.
Anyway I'm gonna go the the store now and feel scared of people I see and "my" body. lol

Is it some perspectives on this that can be comforting to think about?. A way to see some beauty in it at the same time and not just depressing?
Although beauty is just a concept and everything just is. At the same time pointlessness and no meaning is just concepts too the mind thinks.

Edited August 31, 2016 by Happiness

[Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj]

On 2016-08-30 at 11:13 PM, Emerald Wilkins said:

I just made a video about the discomforts of seeking enlightenment. I've been experiencing the same kind of depressing feeling and conceptions that you are. I even thought of the machine metaphor that you came up with. It's funny how people on the same path tend to see the same trees. I hope that it's helpful.

 

They way you explain these things are facinating. Thanks for the insights on feeling significant and that stuff, I'm currently working on that too. Keep at it!!!  

Edited September 1, 2016 by Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj

[Ayla]

On 30 August 2016 at 4:32 PM, Happiness said:

I'm very very stressed now. It felt like I've made progress ridiculously fast!!! Feels like I really is standing with one feet in truth and the other in illusion.
The insight has become so deep that I can never go back to "normal" life. What I've "seen" can't be unseen. Unbelievable. I had to concentrate very intense when I contemplated several days ago but now it's the opposite. The mind automatically go into contemplating mode and I have to distract myself. How can I not think of this... I can't function really. I was out bicycling and walked for a long time thinking i would sit down in the woods somewhere and let go and be alone. Just walked around and cried instead. Didn't want my dad too become worried If I got a strong reaction of some sort so I walked outside .Didn't felt I dared to let go, and was thinking I want to sit in a dark, quiet room instead so if the senses turns up and smacks me in the head I can lessen the feeling of becoming overwhelmed a little. Which I had experience so strong couple of days ago, sitting at home contemplating. When I see a person it's scary as hell. It feels like I really get that it's really no one behind all that matter. I view them differently. And I view them more as biological machines now. Humans now triggers emotions and body  physical reactions in me. Seeing them closer to what they are. I think of nature, myself and others as just one giant machine now. Where everything just reacts to everything. Chains reactions. And free will seems not like a question any more. Which I have contemplated very hard. It is none. Something just happens because, something happened just before that, and something before caused that to happen etc etc etc.... Chain reactions. Or like energy moving to affect other energy and reason that even appeared is because of energy before that etc.  For examples if a person choose to move a body part or gets asked to say a random word is just a whole lot of energy before that reacting to each other than causing that thought . So there really was no free will. You can also picture everything like a giant machine. Everything in nature, including all biological organisms etc, like a big machine of gears. One gear moves based on which gears moved before that etc, and that before that etc. and because of this, that gear moves. And the reason why a specific thought for example appears can be explained that a gear moving caused it to move/appear, and the gears can be other thoughts, some sensations in body or something from outside circumstances for example. You can think that the gears are everywhere and just reacting to each other.
When I was outside walking I felt repeatedly that I was losing balance because the ground seemed to move. But it was just presence of it fluctuating like waves.
When I focus on the body it feels so different and scary, pointless, but still so obvious, simple etc. That's it's just isn't anything more to it. No one there who's controlling. Just chain reactions. And no free will etc.
I've done some other techniques to. Questions I learned from moojis videos that I really couldn't grasp and get anything out of just days before. But now the answers to the questions he said to ask yourself really seemed so obvious and I got strong emotional and physical reactions from them.
So I feel very stressed. Obviously the insight is not complete. But it feels VERY fucking deep. The perspective I start to get and everything that comes with it scares me. And it's just no way I can go back after this. Even just writing this text makes me feel pressure at the head, sounds changing and fear in the body etc. Feeling of everything being pointless, systematic and also lonely. I haven't slept in almost 30 hours and before that 1,5 hours of sleep. Can't close my eyes, it gets more intense. I even got a emotional and physical reaction just seeing a friends facebook pic.
If I really try to go for it completely now the insight for sure will get deeper I think. But then it maybe just lefts me there and I feel more stressed and afraid than before.

 

Very f***ing deep, I, stressed....all these are just thoughts. 

What in actual experience is deep? It goes from which level? The one you were before? When? Can you find time? Depth? Stressed? Do you have a body? What is saying so? 

All you are describing are thought forms that have no reality in actual experience. Thoughts seem to appear and another thought says you believe them... 

Get into real proper inquiry of your actual experience of what IS.

oh and... Yes, there's nowhere to get back, cause you never left anywhere.

[sgn]

Thanks for answering.

I know it's just thoughts =)
Yesterday I pretty much contemplated all day.
My mind just did it on autopilot later in the evening. And when I tried to sleep after a while something happened. It felt like I began to fall. Felt so light and a VERY VERY pleasant feeling I've never experienced so strong before went through the whole body. From the head all the way down to my feet. And the thinking started. "What's this!!!" etc. And I lost it. Several seconds after it came back again and I tried just go with it and relax. Not thinking. Lost it again. It came back a 3rd time but went away again and that was it.

Today It's the opposite of autopilot. I instead have to focus very hard but can't recreate something like I've experienced in the last couple of days. My mind felt so extremely open and I didn't have to focus at all. But I also felt in such a fragile state I couldn't handle it.
Probably because everything happened so fast and I hadn't slept for so long.

[jjer94]

1 hour ago, Happiness said:

And when I tried to sleep after a while something happened. It felt like I began to fall. Felt so light and a VERY VERY pleasant feeling I've never experienced so strong before went through the whole body. From the head all the way down to my feet. And the thinking started. "What's this!!!" etc. And I lost it. Several seconds after it came back again and I tried just go with it and relax. Not thinking. Lost it again. It came back a 3rd time but went away again and that was it.

 

1 hour ago, Happiness said:

I instead have to focus very hard but can't recreate something like I've experienced in the last couple of days.

 

[Azrael]

@Happiness, when I'm experiencing what you ware writing, I go for some Matt Khan videos.

Basically, there comes a time when you get bored of your own fear. I had these cycles you write about so deep and intense (because my unconscious seems to be filled with a lot of unresolved shit) that at some point I completely gave up trying to get rid of them. It just wasn't possible. I just accepted them fully as me (this really just happened to me at some point).

Then, the most amazing things followed.