Parents that give unwanted advice

[Lyubov]

My parents often give unwanted advice and criticism that either gaslights me or diminishes my self esteem. Most of it is on stuff that I'm already working on. It is annoying and doesn't make me feel loved enough. I know this is common with parents that are a bit old school. I am thinking of telling them honestly and politely the next time they do it to be mindful of stopping it. Any other advice on how to handle this behavior from parents? 

[Javfly33]

The best advice regarding parents is, absolutely let go of the attachment of validation to your parents.

You think the problem is your parents, but the problem actually is you. Is your neediness and attachment to your parents.

You don´t easily change a person´s behaviour. I´m sure you have encountered plenty of people that would give you advice and you would think their advice is useless yet you didnt become triggered emotionally inside. 

So the actual solution is to let go of the belief that your parents opinion are important. At this point I basically treat their advice or words as any other person. They have not more truth in their words that anybody else and you don´t owe them a-ny-thing

[ivory]

@Lyubov Dude, I can totally relate. I put up with it for many, many years until I finally sat down with my mom and had a serious conversation with her. I simply told my mom how I felt, let her know that she was pushing me away, and made a very clear request. I told her that if she didn't comply it would put our relationship in jeopardy. In hind sight, I would not have threatened her like that, but it worked. She will still offer advice out of habit, but she catches herself and apologizes.

1 hour ago, Lyubov said:

My parents often give unwanted advice and criticism that either gaslights me or diminishes my self esteem

You need to tell them exactly this. They need to know this.

Also, you might want to look into the DEAR MAN technique. It's super effective in getting your point across and getting what you want without triggering the person you are targeting.

[Parththakkar12]

1 hour ago, Lyubov said:

My parents often give unwanted advice and criticism that either gaslights me or diminishes my self esteem. Most of it is on stuff that I'm already working on. It is annoying and doesn't make me feel loved enough. I know this is common with parents that are a bit old school. I am thinking of telling them honestly and politely the next time they do it to be mindful of stopping it. Any other advice on how to handle this behavior from parents? 

About gaslighting - the way to handle that is to gain your reality back, or getting a better grasp on the reality. The way to do that would be to inquire more into the reality of that situation, into the nature of reality itself, etc. You may have to bite the bullet and consider what they're saying with an open mind, in order to then discover the actual truth of the situation and why they're giving you the advice they're giving you.

Also, look into enmeshment trauma. Stage Blue parents will try to fit their child into a mould they have for them as opposed to respecting their child's unique individuality/sense of self. The moralization, or the unfounded confidence that they are absolutely right about what they're saying comes from being stuck at Blue. The way for you to handle this would be to take more personal responsibility, move up to Orange yourself relative to those specific situations and break out of the Stage Blue control structures.

[Lyubov]

So I mustered up the courage to tell my dad not to make his suggestions via text cause he I was replying to what he sent me this morning and he apologized and said he will be mindful of this going forward... Feels good to exercise this honesty  I used to avoid doing this. 

Edited October 27, 2020 by Lyubov

[Byun Sean]

@Lyubov

Many people do this including parents and non parents.

Your parents likely view this "advice" that is unwarranted as their way of loving their child since thats what they know best given their point of view.

They tell you these things likely because thats what worked for them and they love you.

 

However from your point of view this can feel invasive and even offensive because you feel like someone is viewing you as something incomplete or broken that needs to be fixed with their advice.

Because of this you probably feel like you want to shut down listening to their 'advice' because you don't feel it coming from a space of love.

 

Telling your parents not to do this in a nonviolent way like you did is very good. It is a very conscious practice in relationship to discuss our needs openly like you did.