Rant: You need friends

[ivory]

19 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

I feel lonely and I'm unhappy, I think it's because I don't have a gf.

You're lonely and unhappy because you're isolated.

19 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

Do I need friends? The whole question seems weird/wrong to me, because it's so unthinkable that I would have friends. So I think the answer is no.

Have you been without friends for so long that you can't imagine what that'd be like?

[F A B]

4 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

I would consider an authentic friendship exchange between people face to face in the real world.  Online communities and forums are a far cry from how deep true friendships can be.

Yes, I agree.

Of course, I didn't mean to compare an online friendship to a real face to face friendship.

Edited October 26, 2020 by F A B

[Haloman]

When people lived in villages they had to be dependent one to each other because of some sort of survival function exchange. That built a deep bond because every part was interested to maintain that connection. But nowadays it’s not necessary. If there will be some sort of resentment between two friends then human nature (ego) often decides to go separate ways, not to speak what's wrong and try to make things work out.

[tsuki]

Isolation is conducive for looking into your depth, but it is easy to delude yourself and develop megalomania.
True friendships are a good counterbalance to that because it is trivial to see blind spots of others, while it takes true openness to hear about yours. When you establish a trusting, honest relationship with another person, literal magic happens.

[Megan Alecia]

There's a sort of gaslighting tone to this. 

[commie]

@ivory

How many years do you figure it takes for these slow isolation-linked pathologies to develop? Long enough that they can hardly be distinguished from aging? I've heard about this almost exclusively in reference to the elderly and I'm sure there is evidence w.r.t. degenerative diseases yet I can't say the less-isolated elderly folks I've known seemed any healthier to me (taking gender into account). There are obvious risks and pitfalls which do not take long to show up and there is an even more obvious correlation between serious mental problems and isolation but I'm talking specifically about the slow stuff.

1 hour ago, Keyhole said:

every single person here that has said that they have no desire for friends has exhibited some form of narcissistic defense mechanism over the period of their stay here on this forum in some form or another.

You can sense that too can't you?

The key defining connector between all of them is a haughty arrogance to hide some sort of fear, whatever it might be.  It's interesting how the people who have said they have no desire for friendships have such similar defense mechanisms - look.

Your method sounds highly unsound.

I don't deny this desire yet I have extreme arrogance. I'm not sure what makes a defense mechanism narcissistic but I expect you'd read me that way. So really, is this denial (assuming it is indeed denial) really the cause? Possibly. But in all likelihood this is simply yet another rash mistake.

[PurpleTree]

this pandemic is really very bad for my social life

[mandyjw]

2 hours ago, F A B said:

In a sense, aren't we all friends on this forum?

I mean, we dedicate our time to each other, we are willing to give support as better as we can, we ask for help and advice when we have issues or when we just need to let off steam and be understood.

Where I live, those traits are called friendship.

At exactly what point does a stranger become a friend and at what point do you truly know and understand your closest friend? You never will.

I think the best way to experience incredible friendships is to just go about assuming everyone is already your friend, but with an authentic curiosity and openness because you don't really know them at all, no matter how close you think you are. 

[commie]

13 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

I have no idea what the cause is, that's for the individual to determine, there's no way I could do that.

...

Maybe you're just more truthful by admitting what you need?

You were saying stuff like "that's why" about a group. No matter.

There's a difference between need and desire.

[Gesundheit]

Update your definitions of friendships.

A phone is a friend.

YouTube is a sub-friend lol.

Leo is a sub-sub-friend lol.

The forum is a sub-sub-sub-friend lol.

And so on.

Don't get hung up on the idea that your friends have to materialize in real life. They're imagination after all, both your friends and your needs.

I could live a thousand years alone, and I would feel better than with others. In fact, if I isolate myself from technology which I'm assuming is a friend, it will be the best thing to do to reach the ultimate peace of mind. It's unbelievable the amount of noise you get from interacting with other shit factories. But I have fears and attachments that I'm working on, so it's hard to just go on in full isolation. Dopamine is a real thing yo.

EDIT: I have to mention that I have friends in real life, although they used to be a lot more before going down the path. But I don't go out much often. I don't even contact them online anymore unless there's something important or once every few weeks. My best friend is a great guy, like me. We go months without even a word, and we're still best friends lol. As a matter of fact, he called me three times earlier today and I still haven't returned his calls ?

EDIT 2: I talked to him and we're going out in 30 minutes lol.

Edited October 26, 2020 by Gesundheit

[F A B]

 

15 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

At exactly what point does a stranger become a friend and at what point do you truly know and understand your closest friend? You never will.

I think the best way to experience incredible friendships is to just go about assuming everyone is already your friend, but with an authentic curiosity and openness because you don't really know them at all, no matter how close you think you are. 

Love this one ❤

[Thestarguitarist14]

6 hours ago, Arcangelo said:

I cut almost all my friends out of my life years ago. The only thing I regret is not doing it earlier. SD is all about cutting ''friends'' from your life.

I’d say that it is more or less something that you have to do has there is no going back.

A lot of you are making friendships out to be something that they’re not.  People cannot solve your isolation and loneliness issues.  They can put a mask over it,  but that is something that you have to reckon with.

Ever notice how the older people get, the less that they hang out with their friends?  It is because they become more mature, have a family and realize that they don’t need friends to be happy.  
 

For my birthday I went to Big Bear and Joshua Tree for the weekend.  While I had sone great conversations, I was for the most part alone.  I had an amazing time that I will never forget. Kayaking in the lake, hiking in Shrooms through Joshua Tree, climbing the rocks there, jet skiing in the lake, and great meals.  It was far superior when I went on a date to Disneyland on my birthday the year before.  

[RendHeaven]

It's amazing how some people responding to this mere suggestion to "make more friends" come off as tense, like an attack dog baring its teeth.

A lot of people retaliating against the word "need," as though they need to correct this language to guard their status quo 

I think @ivory has a beautiful perspective. The patience in their replies is telling 

[LfcCharlie4]

Great thread and I agree heavily, especially with your point about the dysfunction shown in the forum. 
 

I don’t understand why people want to transcend their humanness so much, why not both? 
 

I get if you don’t want to have friends, but awesome friends can really enrich your life.

Personally, I think awakening actually allows us to experience deeper & truer intimacy with friends & romantic partners that allows to love even more & without the “need” for them to be happy, as our happiness is no longer dependent on external things, but our peace and happiness is found in the self. 
 

It sounds horrible to say to someone you don’t need them to be happy, but it truly allows for a much deeper & more intimate connection and actually allows you to be yourself! 
 

At the end of the day, if you don’t want friends nobody is going to force you to have them, if you want / have friends, enjoy them and be a good friend yourself  

[ivory]

@RendHeaven Thanks for you kind words. This topic is dear to my heart because I was one of those who isolated to avoid the challenges that result from relationship while believing I was becoming more conscious. I got to a point in my isolation that I was so depressed and lonely that I wanted to die. I had forgotten what it was like to have friends. I couldn't even imagine it. I started doing therapy and went on meds to ease the pain I felt while I started working on building a healthy lifestyle. But it was a lot of work. I was so shy that I used to tremble in the presence of people that I didn't know. Now I have a solid group of inspiring friends where there's joy and appreciation in each other's company. I am truly blessed. I have finally gone off meds and will never forget what is truly valuable in life.

As a side note, I have become very proficient at finding and befriending the types of people I prefer to be around. Having been put through the ringer, I have decided to write a book on how to make friends authentically and maintain a fulfilling social life. I may share some insights on this forum before compiling and publishing if I sense there's some interest.

@LfcCharlie4 People want to transcend their human nature because it offers a compelling spiritual identity. You can appear more special than others while avoiding the challenges of life. Honestly, I blame the teachers that make unrealistic claims of transcendence. Teachers still peddle bullshit lies like "nothing is needed any longer" or "content regardless of circumstance" or "eradication of emotion". On one hand, we do become content with less and emotions don't have as much power; but we still have needs and desires, and emotions remind us to stay humble. 

[Javfly33]

I agree, friends are great, but the reality is also is that if you start self-actualizing a lot, it´s not easy to find friends that are going to be in the same "boat as you".

For example, all of my friends usually use alcohol as a socializator or an excuse to hang out. I think alcohol is against my development. So I either abtain and be like weird or just not hang out.

 

[ivory]

@Javfly33 You are right, if you are self-actualizing, you will rarely find others with the same interest. However, as an actualizer, you should be developing many interests: psychology, philosophy, yoga, art, traveling, exploring, meditation, social justice, health, politics, nature, social skills, learning. If you live in the right area it shouldn't be too hard to find people that share at least one or two interests with you. That said, if you don't enjoy your time with your friends it's time for some new ones.

There is much more to self-actualizing than having an interest in in self-actualizing. The more you actualize, the more adaptable and accepting you are of your current environment. That's not to say you don't pursue your desires or improve the quality of your life. But you can make it in just about any situation and be fairly content

[Akemrelax]

3 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

I agree, friends are great, but the reality is also is that if you start self-actualizing a lot, it´s not easy to find friends that are going to be in the same "boat as you".

People can be friends without having similar interests. In fact this is a good skill to have, try to make friends with people you disagree with, it can open your mind to different worldviews, it also makes you a better communicator. Having friends is important for your mental health, your need for social approval and respect. Having a network of friends also helps you financially and in your work and career. Please don't ignore Maslow's hierarchy!

The strategy of not having friends is so naïve. It's a horrible long-term strategy. People overestimate how much they have overcome their needs, when in reality they haven't. Even if you don't need friends for emotional reasons, they are necessary for work and career. When you are young you think you don't need any friends, you can do it all alone, but the misery drips on your brain overtime (using Leo's imagery). Then after some years, you are a bitter person not knowing why.

 

 

[Thestarguitarist14]

11 minutes ago, Akemrelax said:

The strategy of not having friends is so naïve. It's a horrible long-term strategy. People overestimate how much they have overcome their needs, when in reality they haven't. Even if you don't need friends for emotional reasons, they are necessary for work and career. When you are young you think you don't need any friends, you can do it all alone, but the misery drips on your brain overtime (using Leo's imagery). Then after some years, you are a bitter person not knowing why.

 

 

Networking is so overrated.  You do good work, you naturally meet people in your industry, create contact, and then you can maybe use those working relationships in the future.

 

See, does not require a friendship.

[Byun Sean]

We all have different needs. Some desire to reach out to others more. Some prefer to turn inward and be alone more.

We must not demonize one or the other if we wish to get along with each other and grow together in harmony.

Both perspectives have some truth in them depending upon who you are.