Emotional vs intellectual growth

[ColeMC01]

So, during the quarantine i started to binge watch Leo's videos. I found them amazing, especially his videos on epistemology and it really helped me change a lot of toxic paradigms (including learning what they were in the first place hehe) ,  all of this caused a lot of intellectual/mental growth for me in a short amount of time. It has made me a lot more mature considering i am 22 years old. Especially this combined with total isolation during the quarantine since i was stuck in the foreign country where i am studying right now. However, i have noticed that my emotional maturity is behind my intellectual growth. Therefore what happens is that  i understand that intellectually and i understand it truly BUT emotionally i still feel a negative emotion that i know i should not feel. So for example, my friend lied to me about something. Intellectually i understand why he did what he did but i still feel upset or pissed with me. I know i should not and i really understand his reasoning BUT i still feel upset. Therefore mentally i am very mature for my age but emotionally i can be quite childish, therefore feeling emotions that only a childish person would feel in the same situation. My question is , how do you grow and develop yourself emotionally so it can catch up with my intellectual and mental development. I would really appreciate your guys advise and please try to be not super harsh hehe. One last thing, i feel like emotional pain grows and matures you quite a bit but i am not so sure. What do you guys think about this

[RendHeaven]

1 minute ago, ColeMC01 said:

One last thing, i feel like emotional pain grows and matures you quite a bit but i am not so sure. What do you guys think about this

You're right on the money

Experience, experience, experience.

 

[Elisabeth]

2 minutes ago, ColeMC01 said:

So for example, my friend lied to me about something. Intellectually i understand why he did what he did but i still feel upset or pissed with me. I know i should not and i really understand his reasoning BUT i still feel upset. Therefore mentally i am very mature for my age but emotionally i can be quite childish, therefore feeling emotions that only a childish person would feel in the same situation. 

Make it a practice to accept (not necessarily act on) all of your emotions, especially the upset.

I'd drop that whole "childish" narrative. There's nothigh you "should" feel. Quite normal to feel betrayed/upset when you find out about a lie. 

The maturity part comes in after that. Will you act out at your friend without realizing you're reacting to the upset? Or can you see the upset clearly and accept it - yet choose how to act with your thinking brain? How do you work with the upset itself - can you realize when it's rooted in past events? do you have the ability to live fully through it, as well as to observe it impartially or distract yourself if needed? 

Emotional mastery isn't about not feeling pain and upset - that's impossible, as far as my understanding goes. 

You're doing ok

[ivory]

13 minutes ago, ColeMC01 said:

i still feel a negative emotion that i know i should not feel

Okay, here's the deal. Anyone that tells you that you will completely transcend emotion is full of shit. It's a common misconception in spiritual circles, and it's one that pisses me off dearly. I wrote about this just yesterday here: 

TLDR; You will always experience some level of emotion. Some clear up, some lessen, some will cease to bother you.

 

I love this quote by Jack Kornfield because it's calling out the BS misconceptions about spiritual life: 

If you can sit quietly after difficult news; if, in financial downturns you remain perfectly calm; if you can see your neighbours travel to fantastic places without a twinge of jealousy; if you could happily eat whatever is put on your plate; if you can fall asleep after a day of running around without a drink or a pill; if you can always find contentment just where you are: you are probably a dog.

[ivory]

@Elisabeth Well said

[ColeMC01]

I understand guys but i am saying that what i understand and think it should be fine, emotionally it isnt. The lying friend maybe was a bad example but in general it goes like this: It makes sense, i understand this situation so it is all good. However, i am feeling a negative emotion. Would you be angry at a blind person that steps on you? No, you will not be because you understand he is blind and you do not feel any anger towards him (at least from the moment you realize he is blind). Imagine now you feel angry and pissed at the blind men for stepping on you. Well this is my situation kinda sometimes but not with a blind man ofc, i used that as an extreme example

[Origins]

I never take on an activity now where I am not emotionally pushing myself, be it reading a book or making a comment. Let that sink in with respect to the false dichotomy. If you're just exercising your body when you exercise for example, this is a waste of time in the context of emotional development, if you're pushing yourself, trying to experience the body as much as possible during the exercise, this of course is very different, now the novel you're writing as you put mind to action has more character, colour, tone... Emotional development. Emotional development should be a core part of almost any activity you take on, otherwise, can it be said that you're truly living?

Edited October 25, 2020 by Origins

[ivory]

@ColeMC01 It sounds to me like you are the type of person that's easily triggered. If so, that's not going to go away. Your reactions might lessen in intensity, but an emotionally mature version of yourself will accept that you are easily angered. An emotionally mature version of yourself would also exhibit restraint rather than lashing out at others. Your "problem" is that you believe what you are feeling isn't okay. Dude, you have no control. What exactly do you think you can do?

[ColeMC01]

@ivory I dont get easily triggered, i was just using examples. 

[Matt23]

48 minutes ago, ColeMC01 said:

i feel like emotional pain grows and matures you quite a bit but i am not so sure.

I feel like there's healthy and unhealthy forms of emotional pain.  Also, I mean, what's "healthy" or "unhealthy" could be judged by the result that happens in the future after it.  Like you might judge that binge eating ice cream because you feel so depressed is unhealthy if, 2 years later you look back and are still in a deep rut.  Or, if 2 years later you saw that this experience helped you see you need to make a change.  I guess it's relative.  

But, things to do to grow emotionally:

• Shadow work
• therapies of all types (i've been doing IFS therapy for a bit and have been experiencing significant gains)
• Psychedelics
• contemplation
• contemplation + psychedelics
• relationships and feedback from others 
• observing your emotions and letting them go
• getting to the bottom of what your emotions are "saying" or mean.  what aspect of you is feeling what and why.
• Learning to negotiate, communite with and understand yourself better.
• Meta meditation, gratitude, and forgiveness practices.

[ivory]

@ColeMC01 Ah, ok. No worries.

45 minutes ago, ColeMC01 said:

My question is , how do you grow and develop yourself emotionally so it can catch up with my intellectual and mental development

I thought I might address this, though. The truth is, you have very little control over your own emotional growth. You grow emotionally by not running away from challenges and allowing yourself to feel emotions fully. If you are willing to face whatever challenges that life throws at you, you will grow, it's as simple as that, sorta. As humans, we have a tendency to avoid emotions because we think they are bad, or we don't like feeling them. We do this unconsciously. Our job is to become aware of how we avoid emotion and open up.

 

Have you ever heard of the presence process? It's a 10 week program that teaches you the tools to maximize your emotional growth. Highly recommended. You can find it here: Presence Process

[Matt23]

1 minute ago, ivory said:

You grow emotionally by not running away from challenges and allowing yourself to feel emotions fully

I think/feel that sometimes, not always, there's wisdom in using healthy and strategic distractions (in the short term).  I was watching this Daniel Ingram podcast and he brought this up when talking about dealing with emotions and the disciplined-head-on meditative attitude towards overcoming emotions by trying to feel all of it always.  He advised that this can sometimes be even more traumatic and overwhelm people.  Sometimes you just gotta watch funny cat videos and allow yourself that kindness.  Which in itself is also a form of emotional growth: if you can allow yourself kindness and compassion in not doing what you "should" be doing in a healthy way.  Of course, I agree that ultimately processing emotions means feeling them.  I guess I think sometimes it can't hurt to just allow ourselves to be distracted, but then not making that a life-long or consistent pattern as well.  "Feeling the feels to heal" seems to be key and a common piece of emotional advice I hear.

[ivory]

@Matt23 I agree 100%

[soos_mite_ah]

57 minutes ago, ColeMC01 said:

Therefore what happens is that  i understand that intellectually and i understand it truly BUT emotionally i still feel a negative emotion that i know i should not feel. So for example, my friend lied to me about something. Intellectually i understand why he did what he did but i still feel upset or pissed with me. I know i should not and i really understand his reasoning BUT i still feel upset. Therefore mentally i am very mature for my age but emotionally i can be quite childish, therefore feeling emotions that only a childish person would feel in the same situation. My question is , how do you grow and develop yourself emotionally so it can catch up with my intellectual and mental development. I would really appreciate your guys advise and please try to be not super harsh.

I mean I think it comes down to time and integration. I have a similar thing where intellectually something makes sense but it takes me a minute for it to emotionally make sense. Intellectually understanding a teaching is the surface. Embodying the teaching emotionally involves depth, and depth takes time. Patience is huge here. Judging yourself that you "should not feel" isn't going to help embodying a concept because it puts you in a position of resistance rather than acceptance. 

1 hour ago, ColeMC01 said:

One last thing, i feel like emotional pain grows and matures you quite a bit but i am not so sure. What do you guys think about this

And speaking of resistance, accepting the resistance instead of judging it loves the resistance to death. Resistance isn't a bad thing, it can show where your blocks are so you can address them and move more into a state of flow. 

Basically be gentle and patient with yourself. What you're experiencing is perfectly normal. 

[Oliver Saavedra]

Yes, in my experience emotional growth is the real deal.
The most practical and the one that grows you the most.

Here's some advice: 
- If you're more intellectual, learn to focus on your emotions and your body
- Study everything on Emotional Intelligence (you can start with Daniel Goleman's books)
- Recognize your emotional patterns and grow your vocabulary
- Learn to calm down when you're in intense negative emotions
- Don't make decisions until you're calm down (you can't access your neocortex when the amydala is stressed)
- Practice reflexive thinking, and divergent thinking
- Do what's emotionally difficult, master your resistance
- Get ready for feeling life MORE, it's beautiful and a bit scary at the same time haha

Much Love ❤

[Elisabeth]

9 hours ago, ColeMC01 said:

I understand guys but i am saying that what i understand and think it should be fine, emotionally it isnt. The lying friend maybe was a bad example but in general it goes like this: It makes sense, i understand this situation so it is all good. However, i am feeling a negative emotion. Would you be angry at a blind person that steps on you? No, you will not be because you understand he is blind and you do not feel any anger towards him (at least from the moment you realize he is blind). Imagine now you feel angry and pissed at the blind men for stepping on you. Well this is my situation kinda sometimes but not with a blind man ofc, i used that as an extreme example

It's a misconception to think that you are not supposed to feel anger towards a (blind) person stepping on you unconsciously. 

If someone has hurt us physically, it doesn't matter they didn't mean it - we still feel the pain. The same can be true for emotions.

So if I go with your "extreme" example, sometimes realizing the person is blind brings up compassion that overrides the anger. This can be even practiced to some degree (buddhist metá meditation goes in this direction). But it's not a rule. If the incident has thrown you off your emotional balance, it can take a while to regain it. 

Your friend who lied to you can say "sorry, I realize my mistake", and then maybe a layer of broken trust is repaired between the two of you. The same can happen if you intellectually realize his reasons, and stop taking his lying personally. But even if that happens, perhaps you continue to feel the pain of being lied on.

Most of therapy works with the basic premise that there's no "should" or "shouldn't" with regards to feelings. One reason to have this attitude is because if you put on a "shouldn't" from the very beginning, this effectively prevents you from really feeling, understanding, and processing the emotion. Your reaction tells you about your past and present, about your values, about your beliefs, standards, boundaries and biases, about what's important to you.

You are not broken. If you want to be more mature, observe the upset with kindness and acceptance.

You may try to ask "What exactly about the situation is it, that caused this hurt?" Often you'll see the upset is understandable. Another question is "when was the first time I felt this exact feeling?" (then look at the memory) to get started on shadow work.

P.S. To expand on basic idea that emotional pain doesn't subside the very moment you've understood the other person's lack of conciousness: For more complicated life situations, true forgiveness is needed. But you cannot forgive while still in pain. Forgiveness only comes once you have outgrown the damage done and used it for your good. (I have this thought from Teal Swan, whose a very controversial teacher, but I think there's a grain of truth there https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nmd6b-PEO4k&ab_channel=TealSwan )

[Giancarlo]

Watch Leo's video on introspection. Introspecting (the way Leo teaches it) has helped me grow tremendously in the emotional realm.