Intense Experiences

[sgn]

So couple of days ago I was working on disbelieving some negative thoughts  I've had about myself in the past which gave me very intense relief. So much that I felt more joy than I had felt as long as I remember. Maybe since childhood, if even then. I've been depressed for most of my life I could add. (28 years old). I felt big relief, joy and a very intense feeling of gratitude and that everything was completely perfect the way it is. Thoughts that use to stress me or get me down felt like a joke and I wasn't bothered about anything. Not even affected about things I thought about in the future that would usually worry me and stress me. The negative thoughts felt like a very little dog trying too attack me by the leg. Just can't take it seriously. I never experienced the presence moment so intense before. I sat in these for about an hour and just stared. Sometimes I closed my eyes and it became more intense and all the sounds felt so fresh and nice. And I was in a meditative state without even trying. It just was automatic.  Usually I have to focus very hard. I am a beginner when it comes to meditating. Anyway. I had tears running down on the cheeks. After about and hour it started too wear of but I felt good rest of the evening and the day after it felt like usual.
I'm so surprised why this felt so intense. I wasn't even meditating or did any enlightenment work.

2 days later I sat down to really try to question the self.
I've only tried this a couple times  before,  but I have watched all Leo's enlightenment videos etc and watched a bunch of other videos about enlightenment too. I started to meditate on sounds as a warm up and then I began to focus more on the thoughts and feelings, especially how everything felt in my head, like how I imagined I could feel the self. And began to question what the thoughts and feelings actually were and just tried to think of it as sensations passing by, mental images etc.
So, first I tried to really experience the sense of self strongly. Which for me I noticed was when I pictured my face in my mind and visualizing I'm around others looking at me. Then it felt more strong. I then tried to focus on an object that I saw in the room and noticed my sense of myself diminished. I did this back and forth and thought: If I really am an entity then how can it fluctuate and become weaker sometimes and stronger sometimes just when I'm not thinking about it. It must be a thought. So like I said I felt my sense of self strongest when I pictured myself in my mind. Especially my face. I thought: is this picture the real me? If I should watch myself in the mirror I know the picture in my mind would differ a little every time in comparison to the one in the mirror. But was still thinking that who I am is this picture of myself in my mind.
I started to question what I really have to loose with getting rid of myself. Was there any reason to hold on to the self? It has only brought so much suffering. A moment after that began to experiment with images I had of myself. I tried to think of myself as a bottle that I had in front of me and really tried to believe I'm the bottle.  And that others also see me as that when they look at me. After that I tried thinking of myself as a friend I have. Pretending that I had a mirror in front of me and really move my head up and imagined that I was him and saw him. I also started to think that others was around me and looked at me and saw this person. Now this began to feel really really weird. Next I tried to do the same with my sister. Pretending that I'm her. Imagined that others looked at me and saw her. I then once again looked up to the imagined mirror and really imagine that I am her and that it was her face I saw. Then BOOOOM!!!!!!!!
I got an experience that was so extremely intense that I've never been so scared in my life.
I didn't know what happened and I thought I had done something dangerous and didn't dare to try to stay in it. Like I was going to die or have a stroke. It felt almost like the whole room collapsed towards me. Like I was hit in the face with it. And in one way that I fell of a cliff. And also that something broke. Everything was so extremely present. Sounds. Vision. And my whole face felt so warm and with an intense pressure. i could add that that i sat in a dark, quiet room.  It only lasted like 2 seconds. But it was enough for me to start crying very much for a long while. My heart was beating really fast and I just couldn't stop the tears. It was over so quickly that I couldn't really experience the other feelings which may have come with it. Maybe it passed so quickly because I was too afraid to let it be. I'm still afraid too experience it again. Anyway after I stopped crying I began to cold sweat instead and shaking. The funny thing is that the experience I had 2 days before I thought was intense. But in comparison to the later it was nothing.

What the fuck happened????

Ps. Today when I contemplated my head was buzzing and shaking like crazy and my heart pumped really fast. What does it mean?

Obviously I don't expect that I was near enlightenment in any of those cases, being such a beginner and all. But the experiences was very intense especially the second.

[Leo Gura]

You're questioning the boundaries of the self. If you do that successfully, (and it seems like you did for a while) then a lot of fear will arise, because you're literally on the brink of discovering that the self you've always believed you were, isn't real. Which of course means the ego dies. You die. Hence the fear.

It's a legit fear because we are talking about the end of you as you've known yourself all your life.

Keep going. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

What you really are is so crazy, it's unbelievable.

There's nothing really to fear. All of that is just scare-tactics of the ego. Discovering your true nature is an amazingly positive thing. To truly find yourself, you have to kill the image of yourself.

[Capethaz]

When I had my first taste of enlightenment, I was scared as shit. Like shaking and questioning my sanity. That's normal, a lot of fear will arise in this path.

[sgn]

Thanks. I guess I'm scared that the feeling of fear will get so intense it becomes unbearable.
I've just read and listen to the theory before and had trouble with motivating myself even thou I tried to imagine something extraordinary but of course it can't ever come close to the real thing anyway.
But once I had so intense feelings I was convinced it really do exits something that you can't imagine and grasp with thoughts.
So now I think back of the experiences I had and get's emotional just thinking about it and use this as motivation to keep going.
How could I not.

[Leo Gura]

@Happiness Practice surrender. A feminine trait that becomes very important in enlightenment work. In the end, enlightenment basically fucks you in the ass, and you need to be okay with that.

Again psychedelics can be helpful here. They will teach you the meaning of surrender.