Do guys not like shy girls

[ivory]

@ertopolice I think it's biological instinct not ego

[ivory]

2 minutes ago, ertopolice said:

@ivory also i feel ashamed to approach  strangers because of my constant thinking that by this age they may be taken 

Welcome to a man's world! We have a barrage of thoughts running through our heads... Does she have a boyfriend? Is she going to be mean? It's going to be awkward if I have nothing to say. What if she rejects me or says no when I ask for her phone number?

[Parththakkar12]

4 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

There may be a point there. While I dont consider myself giving off a maternal vibe in the slightest, I do have a tendency to dress rather conservatively.  It's a coping mechanism since I have a body type that gets sexualized really easily. Like one wrong move and I'll have a bunch of people staring at me because I look like I'm about to sit on the casting couch ?

I guess dressing conservatively and against trends can make me come across as older, sometimes more intimidating, and give me a mom vibe rather than something sexy. 

If you look at it from the perspective of wanting to attract a man, being sexualized is a good thing! You want a man to look at you and say 'I want to check her out.' I'd suggest you release your resistance to that and take in the experience of being desired by men.

I understand that objectification is a problem. If you're using the word 'sexualized' in that sense, that's a safety issue which is completely understandable. I'd suggest you do shadow-work around safety, boundaries and having men respect your boundaries. If you're able to trust men to respect your boundaries, the male attention you get won't feel so unsafe. It'll feel nice to be desired by them!

Maybe embodying your femininity and having more feminine power, being more deliberate with your feminine expression would also help. This may include doing makeup and wearing dresses according to your authentic feminine expression as opposed to following norms. You'll have more control over what it is about you that men pay attention to, you'll be able to deliberately bring them in that way. This will do good things for you in dating, especially when it comes to pulling in the right guy.

[ivory]

@Parththakkar12 It doesn't take much for a guy to be physically attractive. A girl doesn't have to be HOT or look like a slut. A cute outfit and a cute face is all it takes. I think @soos_mite_ah is overcomplicating this. Appear open, be warm, and look cute. Boom.

[ertopolice]

@ivory i appreciate that! but it's like come on..i'm 31! i got constant struggle thinking i should have been in a long term relationship or dating or even married by this age that  i end up doing just nothing

@Parththakkar12 good tip and also i see no problem exploring your feminine side. Even if u got a stunning body that turns heads i'd definitely dress feminine/sexy or combine days where u dress more conservative and days more "sexy". Do not feel bad about dressing sexy or showing off ur body a bit if u show a strong personality

[ertopolice]

2 minutes ago, ivory said:

@Parththakkar12 It doesn't take much for a guy to be physically attractive. A girl doesn't have to be HOT or look like a slut. A cute outfit and a cute face is all it takes. I think @soos_mite_ah is overcomplicating this. Appear open, be warm, and look cute. Boom.

i have to admit i used to overthink too and it's a waster of time if u got a nice body tbh

u can play with it and shock everybody who they see that u do not need to show off and that caring for ur physique it's a matter of self love and not to seek validation from others

that's shocks ppl

[Parththakkar12]

4 minutes ago, ivory said:

@Parththakkar12 It doesn't take much for a guy to be physically attractive. A girl doesn't have to be HOT or look like a slut. A cute outfit and a cute face is all it takes. I think @soos_mite_ah is overcomplicating this. Appear open, be warm, and look cute. Boom.

I didn't mean in a slutty way. My bad for not being clear about this. Don't objectify yourself! If you're prone to doing that, work on personal safety and boundaries with men first.

[ertopolice]

also, i realized guys a put on a pedestal or that i considered to be high valued ended up with girls below average for my very own standards (career, physique, intelligence..) 

[ertopolice]

@lucassgontijjo i got the point 

alpha energy 

[soos_mite_ah]

5 hours ago, Raphael said:

So you don't have huge social anxiety issues? Or maybe it's just little or average anxiety.

Can you handle most of daily life situations?
Can you have normal or great conversations with people?
Can you speak in front of a crowd?
Does your shyness can create weird social situations? If yes, does it happen often?

I would say little or average anxiety. I have been doing some shadow work to address that along with some of my limiting beliefs 

I can handle most daily life situations with no problem and have a normal or great conversation with people. 

Ehhh... no not really. I can do it if it's something simple as making an announcement but when it comes to giving a speech or a presentation I do tend to talk fast and tense up. 

Yes it can. I can have a bit of a stutter at times since I feel like my mind goes much faster than the words I'm trying to say (also anxiety). I can see how that can make me seem overly excitable and all over the place at times. I've been trying to be more mindful of that. But I think it's one of those things that I tend to notice more in myself. I tried to talk in video once to see what I'm like and it isn't super noticeable or common. 

[soos_mite_ah]

3 hours ago, ertopolice said:

@soos_mite_ah31 female here..

Trust me you are still pretty young! i wish i had had your very same questioning when i was your age. I just DID NOT CARE AT ALL if I  was approached or not. Well..at that time and due to personal issues with my family i was not in the mood for dating or approaching anyone. Later on I got some self hate issues because i was a perfectionist and i had to get my whole life sorted out before dating anyone (career, family issues..etc). Fail. 

I recently realized that during all this time in spite of being (lets say an 8/10 o over average looks and career success) i was not approached because of my constant obsession with me being the best..in all those areas  i felt confident enough APART FROM SOCIAL INTERACTIONS.

I wish i realized all this earlier tbh. Looks matter BUT if u lack interest in social interactions or don't show any openness is a fail. 

I guess this is not your case, but i just felt the need to share.

I can see myself in this situation as well actually. During my teens I didn't bother trying to date. I knew I came from a very chaotic family. I told myself that before dating that I was going to put myself in therapy and work on myself so that I don't enter in a bad relationship because of unresolved trauma or that I don't end up ruining someone's life because I didn't address my problems and projected toxicity onto them. 

I started my self help journey at 15 to work on my childhood issues and when I got to college I started therapy because I finally had the resources and I have moved out. Also  during college I got more invested in my academics since I thought *hey i need to take care of that first and get my career together* over dating. I will be honest, I have never made dating much of a priority. I always had this attitude of *if it happens it happens if it doesn't that's fine too*

For me I wouldn't say that I have an obsession on being the best  but I have been in the mood to get my life all the way together before jumping into a relationship. Meaning I have been prioritizing being emotionally/ mentally rock solid, financially/ career wise being solid etc. But even then I don't see a lot of people approaching me. Not saying prioritizing those things is bad, if anything I encourage it because it helps you build a solid self-esteem and sense of security so you don't fall for someone who is potentially toxic. I don't regret it one bit. 

But openness is a HUGE factor. And I can see myself neglecting that to a certain extent. Thank you so much for sharing. 

[soos_mite_ah]

2 hours ago, Parththakkar12 said:

I understand that objectification is a problem. If you're using the word 'sexualized' in that sense, that's a safety issue which is completely understandable. I'd suggest you do shadow-work around safety, boundaries and having men respect your boundaries. If you're able to trust men to respect your boundaries, the male attention you get won't feel so unsafe. It'll feel nice to be desired by them!

Maybe embodying your femininity and having more feminine power, being more deliberate with your feminine expression would also help. This may include doing makeup and wearing dresses according to your authentic feminine expression as opposed to following norms. You'll have more control over what it is about you that men pay attention to, you'll be able to deliberately bring them in that way. This will do good things for you in dating, especially when it comes to pulling in the right guy.

I did have this problem growing up. I started embracing my feminine side more and being comfortable with that and I basically went from absolutely no approaches to a few here and there. And even if people don't approach and create a conversation I have noticed a little more staring and people being extra nice to me lmao. 

2 hours ago, ivory said:

@Parththakkar12 It doesn't take much for a guy to be physically attractive. A girl doesn't have to be HOT or look like a slut. A cute outfit and a cute face is all it takes. I think @soos_mite_ah is overcomplicating this. Appear open, be warm, and look cute. Boom.

I agree that you don't have to look like a slut. For me personally, I've had it drilled into me since I was 13 that I have to cover up because I have a more "womanly appearance" and that caused me to tend to dress older in a way. I have gotten better over the years and actually learned how to dress instead of going straight to mens section which I had a tendency to do in my early teens.

Especially when I was living with my parents in high school, if I wore anything that showed the slightest amount of cleavage or leg or a hit of a curve (which is difficult to do because of the way I'm built), my mom would get onto me so I basically spent those years essentially wearing a turtle neck. I have also gotten better with that after leaving my parent's house. I am more comfortable with my body and I don't sexualize it immediately but I will say that I still have a tendency to wear more conservative clothes mainly because those are in my comfort zone more due to familiarity. Like if I am presented with a V-neck shirt, I will think twice before going out like that because I feel like my boobs will just be out. 

[soos_mite_ah]

48 minutes ago, lucassgontijjo said:

I don't want to sound rude or seem that I'm stereotyping either, but, honestly, career-oriented women are not attractive to most guys. What masculine men usually care about the most is beauty and feminity. Not if you a super-intelligent and successful in your career. 

I think I remember seeing a piece of advice where if you're trying to get to know a guy on a date, it's best to lead with warmth rather than your accomplishments. That's not to say you hide your accomplishments not at all. If a guy is turned off by that, that's a red flag and you need to go. But that's to say that people want to connect to other people and their personalities, not their resume. Leading with a resume can also potentially set up a competitive dynamic between two people rather than a dynamic to build a relationship. 

[Thestarguitarist14]

2 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I think I remember seeing a piece of advice where if you're trying to get to know a guy on a date, it's best to lead with warmth rather than your accomplishments. That's not to say you hide your accomplishments not at all. If a guy is turned off by that, that's a red flag and you need to go. But that's to say that people want to connect to other people and their personalities, not their resume. Leading with a resume can also potentially set up a competitive dynamic between two people rather than a dynamic to build a relationship. 

Career driven women in my experience scream vanity and narcissism.  It’s hard for a guy to see a future with a woman like that because she is too into herself.

[Raphael]

9 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I would say little or average anxiety. I have been doing some shadow work to address that along with some of my limiting beliefs 

I can handle most daily life situations with no problem and have a normal or great conversation with people. 

Ehhh... no not really. I can do it if it's something simple as making an announcement but when it comes to giving a speech or a presentation I do tend to talk fast and tense up. 

Yes it can. I can have a bit of a stutter at times since I feel like my mind goes much faster than the words I'm trying to say (also anxiety). I can see how that can make me seem overly excitable and all over the place at times. I've been trying to be more mindful of that. But I think it's one of those things that I tend to notice more in myself. I tried to talk in video once to see what I'm like and it isn't super noticeable or common. 

It's fine as you can communicate and handle most situations, at least from my perspective. It also happened to me to stutter in uncomfortable environments or with people that I'm not comfortable with. Maybe using the MBTI can help you with issues related to your personality type.

You probably need to invest a little more into the guys that you are attracted to. And also, as you are on this forum, you will surely have to deal with being more advanced and conscious than most people and therefore not attracting regular persons because of spiral dynamics value mismatch and emotional mismatch.

What would be not shy for you? Are there more things that you would like to do that your shyness is preventing you?

Edited October 25, 2020 by Raphael

[Preety_India]

I like having a career and a head over my shoulders. I understand that some folks on this thread consider a career oriented woman as unattractive. 

But honestly, I would never date a man who is not proud of my accomplishments or has a discouraging attitude towards my career, that's a turn off for me and to me that kind of guy reeks of Insecurity. 

Don't wish to deal with insecure men. 2 years ago I broke up with a guy because he was so insecure about my life and accomplishments. 

Now I'm with a man who is proud of me. Thats what is needed. 

 

[ertopolice]

@Preety_India Totally 

I want a man who seeks for high valued woman

 

[ertopolice]

@dflores321 deep thinkers or analyzers u mean?

[Thestarguitarist14]

48 minutes ago, dflores321 said:

@ertopolice Yep, all those kinds of people prefer thought based relationships. This is why you get along so easily when all you do is talk about deep stuff. 

You have just highlighted a big cause of the majority of women’s pain in the 21st century.

They don’t know what they want.

These women believe that they want a deeper think or analytical type.  But when he shows up as a nerd, or just a logical guy and they get bored, they get swayed by the good looking, but dim witted guy or the fun and superficial guy.  Then they complain.

[ivory]

@Thestarguitarist14 Most women are attracted to confidence, humor, and social status. But when those relationships fail, and girls gain more experience, they begin to explore relationships with guys based on more authentic qualities. Some women never learn and continue to make the same mistakes until they die, but many do outgrow superficial impulses.