Fear of dying alone

[Chives99]

I'm 24 and never been in a serious relationship only like a month or so at most. I have stunted social development due to ASD  and didnt make  a real effort with personal development until I was 18 (time i discovered this channel)  and had very little in terms of social skills, I've developed a lot, but feel im years behind my peers, many whom are married and have started a family. I'm not bothered about  kids or marriage but a partner and some dogs would be nice. I get that theres so much more to life with spirituality and hobbies/ passions , career, and all the other experiences that come with life. I just feel though its such an awful shame to go to the grave without experincing what so many others in the world have experienced. I feel bad though I had  an amazing childhood, although shit teenage years, and amazing university experience, I'm sure graduate work will come eventually although I have plenty to occupy myself with now to earn money and develop myself. I just feel people with ASD are limited in this field and its such a shame. Is it best to forget all about it and if when i meet someone through work or social groups and hit off go for it? Bit hard with the pandemic at the mo. Can't stand dating apps, too tacky and unnatural, u can't know someone through a few pics and emojis, they aren't for people with ASD at all.

[DianaFr]

@Chives99 Why do you want to be in a relationship? I mean, do you have any positive reasons, other than fear of dying alone in an awful shame? (Having a relationship unfortunately doesn't guarantee you a nice death...) You may be right, in some sense, that people who are not necessarily ordinary, may be limited in the field of dating. But it really depends on the perspective, I guess. There are all kinds of people in the world, and some of them will be your people, including the opposite sex. Most of them will not be. You want to focus on those who are or could potentially be. It could be a good idea to be interested in people in general. Like you said - there is so much more to life, and you never know who you will meet as you enjoy and develop yours. My friendly advice is - don't take it so seriously. Don't take yourself too seriously. You are young, life is somewhat long and there is absolutely no reason to be ashamed of who you are or how your life has been if you have done your best to live it fully.

[Chives99]

@DianaFr  I mean more in the general sense of growing old, missing out on an amazing part of existence. It feels like your left out of the party

[Thestarguitarist14]

It sounds as though you have some self love issues.  There is nothing wrong with desiring a relationship.  But you are doing it believing it will fix your feelings of lack and emptiness.  All it is going to do is put a mask of it.  
 

You may not be in the relationship that you desire, but maybe you are not in the relationship that you desire...with yourself.  What you truly desire is lasting happiness.  Relationships don’t give you that.

[Globalcollective]

@Chives99 Hey mate. I actually went exactly through this very thing and know what it feels like. I just couldn't get a relationship and it hurt alot inside as you see everyone else doing it and you think your missing out on something. 

I agree totally with @DianaFr but lets face it human relationships are a hugh part of life and he has every right to want to explore this and feel sad if it feels as though he can't. 

Around the age of 21 I had a panic attack so strong I was convinced I was going to die. I said to myself if i survive all I wanna do is make sure I atleast expirence what a deep intimate connection feels like with someone else. And that began my journey into self improvement with a whole new meaning. I was into it before but then I felt game till the end. I literally did everything i could to make it happen and through 3 to 4 years of very hard work i managed to get what I wanted. But it was no means easy. And yes its worth it and also its hard to grow spiritually if your constantly thinking about this stuff. 

The thing is you do have ASD i had GAD which means generalized anxiety disorder so I had a major disadvantaged but I think you might have even more of a disadvantage. What I would say is work towards actaully getting a relationship, if you really out your mind to it you can make it happen. You will need some help from people who know what they are doing and you might need to really put in alot of work but it can be done. Prob is if your on the wrong side of the dating market it can be super tough so start slow and start developing a thick skin, you will need it to succeed and work on this slowly but surely over a long period of time. Learn social skills as best you can, put yourself out there often, look to meet people who are similar to you, grown spiritually, becone an interesting person, do things that will make you more socail like say public speaking, workout and work on your fashion ect. 

[electroBeam]

 

9 hours ago, Chives99 said:

I'm 24 and never been in a serious relationship only like a month or so at most. I have stunted social development due to ASD  and didnt make  a real effort with personal development until I was 18 (time i discovered this channel)  and had very little in terms of social skills, I've developed a lot, but feel im years behind my peers, many whom are married and have started a family. I'm not bothered about  kids or marriage but a partner and some dogs would be nice. I get that theres so much more to life with spirituality and hobbies/ passions , career, and all the other experiences that come with life. I just feel though its such an awful shame to go to the grave without experincing what so many others in the world have experienced. I feel bad though I had  an amazing childhood, although shit teenage years, and amazing university experience, I'm sure graduate work will come eventually although I have plenty to occupy myself with now to earn money and develop myself. I just feel people with ASD are limited in this field and its such a shame. Is it best to forget all about it and if when i meet someone through work or social groups and hit off go for it? Bit hard with the pandemic at the mo. Can't stand dating apps, too tacky and unnatural, u can't know someone through a few pics and emojis, they aren't for people with ASD at all.

I really feel for you man. Its such an isolating experience to have. I've also got autism and only got into personal development at the age of 19-20. I just wanted to let you know that there are others out there who have had the same issues, really feel your pain, understand what you're going through, and deeply empathise with you. What you're going through is tough, even if others don't understand. And you can and will get through it. I really wish I could help, but I don't know how. I'm so glad to see that there are other posters above who have amazing advice and are helping you along with your journey. 

And just a little side note, these issues are temporary, always are temporary. In the end the only thing that's permanent is seeing that every situation possible, whether its being far behind, or having autism, or being an ugly uncool guy, etc. the issue in the end IS always divine infinite love. You end in the same place as everyone else, no matter what happened in your life. Truth and Love are believers in egalitarianism, and don't discriminate between different ways of life unfolding, that discrimination only happens while you have a mind. 

[Chives99]

5 hours ago, Keyhole said:

One more thing, I am 32 and I'm noticing that the generation below me is much more autistic than my peers are.

 

You have no evidence for this, we're just better at identifying and testing for autism now, I was the one that took myself to the doctor at 20 to apply for a test noone else suggested it,  ( my culture and the vast amount of information out there  would have been the  thing to motivate me ) just thought it could be likely due to my social struggles and i was right. Past generations would  have just put people that were autistic down to being dumb , the older generations still belive things like ADHD and autism etc are made up diseases to handwave misbehaving kids away and not deal with them

Edited October 24, 2020 by Chives99

[Leo Gura]

It should be your goal and dream to die alone.

Enjoy people while you are here, but when it comes to death, this is too profound to do other than alone. Don't allow idiots to interfere with your facing of death.

[Sempiternity]

10 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

It should be your goal and dream to die alone.

Enjoy people while you are here, but when it comes to death, this is too profound to do other than alone. Don't allow idiots to interfere with your facing of death.

Yes, wonderful quote. 

When my grandmother was dying, the whole family was there crying and fighting with each other. I had to tell them all "what are you doing? Is this what you want her last moment to be experiencing your fighting and arguing? Stop being selfish and think of her experience as she ends her life". 

This is why I like to trip alone. Nobody to distract from the inner journey. 

[Chives99]

5 hours ago, Keyhole said:

 

I got diagnosed at 14, generally it should come with more than just social ineptitude; do you have any other symptoms?  Social deficits can come from a lot of different things.  Truthfully, a lot of normal but somewhat awkward adults try to get diagnosed with this to explain perfectly normal behaviors, that they misinterpret as dysfunction because of the narrow standards that society has set for human behavior.  Autism and ADHD are way over diagnosed.  

 

I've got my diagnosis, I've said and done things that were inappropriate, originally it didn't even register but I'm much more self aware now, lacked empathy for others, didn't understand jokes and sarcasm, probably got let off a lot because they saw my struggle even if I wasn't self aware. Can honestly say this channel saved me. 

 

I agree technology in many ways stunts social development, parents now a days just give their child a screen to use as a babysitter, take your kid to work and give him a tablet or whatever to keep him quiet. I wish someone had helped me back then but no one spotted it. 

[Chives99]

11 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

It should be your goal and dream to die alone.

Enjoy people while you are here, but when it comes to death, this is too profound to do other than alone. Don't allow idiots to interfere with your facing of death.

Reminds me  of dmt trips I'd run upstairs because I wanted be somewhere comfy and also because I couldn't stand being around others in this head space, their energy ruined it. It's like being swallowed up in a black hole 

[Chives99]

1 hour ago, Keyhole said:

@Chives99 Yeah, I can relate to that my family spotted it but they still didn't do much about it.

From everything that you written though it seems like you're on the right track - maybe the only thing is just learning the dating process?  Have you tried a dating coach?

I have known some autistic men in my life and my brother has autism, judging by your profile picture they are less attractive than you and were able to find partners.  They just kept at it and eventually someone said yes.

My brother is short, deaf, in his late 40s, lives in the basement downstairs, not very attractive at all, poor hygiene, plays video games all day, works at a gas station, has terrible social and fashion sense, and he still managed to find a pretty attractive blonde woman in her 30s.

My other two male friends have autism to a lesser degree, one of them you couldn't even really tell until after you got to know him a bit - he ran into an old high school friend and they started dating and still are five years later.

And the second friend clearly had Asperger's and had a lot of social impairment, but he got two degrees at University and makes six figures and was able to find a girlfriend after getting himself settled first.

I think your early 20's are a bit of a naff period to be dating in, too many people lack emotional maturity, people calm down a lot by their later 20's I've noticed 

[ivory]

@Chives99 I enjoyed reading your posts. You seem like a great guy.

 

A lot of people on this forum will tell you that you should be happy alone, or that you that you are spiritually immature for wanting to be in a relationship. And, that is complete bullshit. If you have never been in a relationship then, of course, you are going to want one. And for good reason, they are awesome. I do agree, however, that you should be relatively happy and content on your own. If you require a relationship to be happy, you are in deep doo doo in this life.

 

That said, it sounds like you are on the right track. I don't completely understand you challenges but you are inquisitive and moving forward despite your limitations so good for you. I wanted to share something with you, it is a book that I hold dear to my heart. I have a lot of experience with women and I can tell you that this book is a true gem: Models by Mark Manson. I don't doubt that you need to work on basic social skills, but this book will at least help you understand attraction and increase your chances of finding the right woman. Good luck sir.

[Globalcollective]

9 hours ago, Keyhole said:

I totally agree with you.

Since you're in your early twenties that could be your problem too.  This woman is a dating coach for men, and specializes in helping them find relationships and how to communicate with their partners effectively and what keeps and attracts women in the initial dating phases i.e social etiquette - not necessarily using online methods (they mentioned that isn't their preferred mode of dating) so maybe reach out to her and see if she can help you.

She's also in her early twenties and is a good example of a young woman who is mature and grounded, so not all women in their early twenties are going to be immature:

Here's her channel:

Instagram: girlnextdoorconcept

I would contact her and see if she is accepting clients and if not ask if she has any resources that can point you in the right direction.

@Keyhole @Chives99 come on guys "dating in your 20s will be immature" yeah but you need the expirence or else yow are you ment to mature if you dont have the expirence in the first place? Could be a bypass. Honor your emotions, I think it would help to actually get off this forum theorizing and just get out there and take action. Yes its hard but in one sense its the best time to be on the other side of the dating market as its now so easy to meet so many amazing people that was not possible before. Ive had some very mature relationships in my early 20s. I think some of you guys need a kick up the ass lol. Stoppp the whinning ?❤. I've been to hell and back with this stuff and not once did I ever complain, the reason why was I took 100% responsibility to my sistuation, its all down to you and your mind. 

Btw that girl on the video was a pleasent surprise. 

[evgn]

On 24.10.2020 г. at 2:42 PM, Leo Gura said:

It should be your goal and dream to die alone.

Enjoy people while you are here, but when it comes to death, this is too profound to do other than alone. Don't allow idiots to interfere with your facing of death.

IOww man, that striked me really hard..