About The Video "how To Stop Caring What Other People Think Of You"

[Santiago]

I just watched the video "How to stop caring what other people think of you" a couple times, because this is a huge problem for me and it has been for maybe 2 decades now (I'm 25).

In this topic I wanted to discuss the message of the video, I wanted to see if I am missing something or if my interpretation is accurate and also critique some of the points Leo made, as well as discussing the solution to this problem. I am expecting to get some feedback and hopefully expand my understanding on this field.

First of all let's do a summary of the concepts talked in the video, as I understood it:

We all subconsciously have a self-image which dictates what we are like, it says all about us, if we are attractive, if we are good people, if we are intelligent, etc. This self-image is mainly formed during childhood and it's composed of arbitrary experiences that we live in our life and how we interpret them. So we have this self-image and then we desperately seek to confirm it in the outside, the example used in the video is that of someone who has a self-image of a good person, someone who cares about other people and so this person will do anything to obtain confirmation from the outside that he really is a good person. He will try to please other people even at the cost of supressing his own desires.

That's the whole concept behind caring what other people think of you, you care because you need to confirm this self-image you have made for youself and so you seek confirmation outside, from other people.

Then Leo points out how much of a nonsense this is and that you can never win this game, simply because you can't control what other people think of you and even they can't control it, it's totally randomly generated in their minds according to their past experiences and mindsets, and according to how they feel at that very moment. An opinion of other person about you just says much more about the person thinking it than it says of you, because we tend to project our own insecurities and mindsets over other people.

Finally Leo says that to fix this issue we must repeat this phrase: "I am completely independent of all the good and bad things that other people think of me", in order to reprogram the subconscious mind to stop worrying about other peoples thoughts. He also says that we must convince ourselves how much of a nonsense this is and how useless it's for us. And he suggests doing some practical exercises that go against your people pleasing problem like for example taking a long time to decide for your order in the subway queue while people wait impatiently behind you.

So, first of all, what do you guys think, is my summary accurate or am I missing something?

Secondly I want to point out that I disagree with a couple things in the video:

• First of all, the examples used by Leo in the video talk about a positive self-image that you are trying to confirm outside. I think that he should have pointed out the fact that this is not always the case, in fact we usually are more worried about the negative parts of our self-image, and so we try to get validation from the outside proving that the self-image is wrong, which is the opposite of what was talked in the video.
• Also he went a little too far with the people pleasing part, he talks a lot about this, the video should be called how to stop people pleasing.
  I am not a people pleaser but I do struggle a lot with caring too much of what others think of me. I used to be a people pleaser but that's over. So for example I walk down the street and if I see a girl I am checking if she is checking me out, just to confirm my self-image that tells me that I am attractive, and I give a shit about that girl, I don't care if she enjoys looking at me, I just need her validation to confirm my self-image, if she checks me out and likes me physically and then hates me for some reason I couldn't care less, I don't care about her, just want my validation, I am not there to please her.
  That's an example, I just wanted to point out that you don't need to be a people pleaser if you care about what others think of some aspects of yourself.

Finally I wanted to talk about "the cure" of this problem. As far as the video goes and what I got our of it, Leo just suggests understanding how this game of caring what other people think of you and seeking their approval is useless, you can never win and it even doesn't make sense.
So let's say that you consciously understand this, because it's quite easy to understand to be honest, it makes a lot of sense. And then let's say that you actually repeat the phrases about stopping to care of opinions. Then what? your self-image won't suddenly dissolve, it will still be there, is this procedure so effective that despite of my negative self-image being there I will stop trying to prove it wrong through other people's reactions? Is that it? as simple as that?

[philosogi]

31 minutes ago, Santiago said:

And then let's say that you actually repeat the phrases about stopping to care of opinions. Then what? your self-image won't suddenly dissolve, it will still be there, is this procedure so effective that despite of my negative self-image being there I will stop trying to prove it wrong through other people's reactions? Is that it? as simple as that?

Wash, rinse, and repeat, every time you notice yourself caring about someone else's opinion. I think it also helps a lot to visualize what it would be like in one of those interactions, what it would feel like to not be caring about any other opinions. Like, take some time, say half an hour, to just sit and visualize how you'd want the situation to feel. Then it'll help you when you encounter it for real. 

[Akeberg]

On 8/28/2016 at 10:04 PM, Santiago said:

I just wanted to point out that you don't need to be a people pleaser if you care about what others think of some aspects of yourself.

I think this is very true! There are even other similar experiences that may overlap the issues of caring about what other people think. Here are two examples:

1. An artist/musician/writer/etc. can stop herself short in the process of making something because she already thinks about the end-product and what the response might be. She could be so afraid of the possible negative outcome (people disliking the product) that it exceeds the excitement about a possible positive outcome (people liking the product). The result being that the fear causes her not to take any chances and the product ends up being boring and characterless, even so, she might not create the product at all!

2. People who are afraid of being wrong or express their opinion. Maybe because they don`t want to come into conflict with other people or they`re afraid they`ll embarrass themselves.

So yeah, the fear of...

I get that you need to be detached from both the praise and critique, but how do you embody this? And another thing, when other people believe you`ve wronged them, hurt their feelings by word or action - well, this might be a stupid question - but what do you do? Apologize and reflect on it?