I'm doing my best and nothing works out.

[Shiva99]

I'm trying to improve myself like mad, and in the end it all seems worthless, and nothing works out. I started taking care of myself, my sleep, my diet. I'm exercising on a regular basis, i'm meditating an hour every morning. At this point i left almost all my addictions behind me ( only coffee left), yet my life keeps going in a bad direction.

The biggest problem is that my self confidence is very low, and i'm basically self doubting all the time. As soon as i enter my work environment there is this cloud above me that is induced by fear. I become another person that is scared to show, and do what comes to mind. Because of this i act akward, make stupid mistakes and colleagues start to think that i can't do anything right. My boss tells me he doesn't know what to think of me etc. 

I'm again so hopeless. I really don't know what i have to do, or why i deserve this.

Edited October 21, 2020 by Shiva99

[Gesundheit]

@Shiva99

Don't feel bad for who you are or what you want or do. Everytime you feel bad, ask yourself: why am I feeling so? Notice that it's probably a judgement about yourself that is causing you to think negative thoughts and feel negative emotions. However, recognize that these feelings are the feul that is allowing you to make all this progress. Think of it as a pendulum, the worse you feel about yourself, the more progress you will be able to make. That's negative motivation, which is fear-based. However, there is another form of motivation, which is love-based. Read more here: www.lifehack.org/829873/positive-motivation

In my opinion and experience, if you want to be completely authentic and at peace with life, you will have to drop both forms of motivation and learn how to be present in the moment, which requires high levels of awareness. So, if you really want to solve the problem once and for all, raise your level of consciousness. Meditate more, contemplate more, do whatever you feel is required for you and feels natural and most importantly right for you. Ask yourself: in this particular moment right now, what do I really want? Maybe it's a certain food or a drink or a talk with a friend or anything else. This will be your emotional compass that will help you understand your thoughts, feelings, and desires, and ultimately yourself, which will lead you to the ultimate peace of mind.

Edited October 21, 2020 by Gesundheit

[Shiva99]

39 minutes ago, Gesundheit said:

@Shiva99

Don't feel bad for who you are or what you want or do. Everytime you feel bad, ask yourself: why am I feeling so? Notice that it's probably a judgement about yourself that is causing you to think negative thoughts and feel negative emotions. However, recognize that these feelings are the feul that is allowing you to make all this progress. Think of it as a pendulum, the worse you feel about yourself, the more progress you will be able to make. That's negative motivation, which is fear-based. However, there is another form of motivation, which is love-based. Read more here: www.lifehack.org/829873/positive-motivation

In my opinion and experience, if you want to be completely authentic and at peace with life, you will have to drop both forms of motivation and learn how to be present in the moment, which requires high levels of awareness. So, if you really want to solve the problem once and for all, raise your level of consciousness. Meditate more, contemplate more, do whatever you feel is required for you and feels natural and most importantly right for you. Ask yourself: in this particular moment right now, what do I really want? Maybe it's a certain food or a drink or a talk with a friend or anything else. This will be your emotional compass that will help you understand your thoughts, feelings, and desires, and ultimately yourself, which will lead you to the ultimate peace of mind.

Hey, thanks for your response. I think i'm mostly driven by negative motivation. It's very hard for me to do something unforcefully. If i let go, nothing will happen, and i will start to slack really fast really bad. I've been there plenty of times. Doing things out of negative motivation and forcing myself works the best for me for now. 

I'm not sure how i can meditate more right now. There is simply not enough time in my days. When i come home from work i force myself to go for a run, have dinner etc and then it's time to sleep again. It's very hard to be present cuz i'm always busy doing things to keep up with the basics from collapsing. 

[Gesundheit]

@Shiva99 I don't know your life situation, but since you said you tend to slack off without negative motivation, I have to assume that your basic needs are met, because if they weren't, you would have to be authentically motivated to fulfill them, because there's no stronger motivation than the fear of death. So, if you let go and nothing happens, doesn't that mean that you don't actually want anything to happen? Don't you think that it's a message from your authentic self that it doesn't really have desires?

If you slack off and do nothing, what exactly will happen? How exactly your life will change? And most importantly, will you feel good or bad?

Edited October 21, 2020 by Gesundheit

[Nahm]

7 hours ago, Shiva99 said:

I'm trying to improve myself like mad, and in the end it all seems worthless, and nothing works out.

Worth noting - nothing was, or is, or could or would ever be - “wrong with you”. It’s possible that ‘trying to fix myself like mad’, is the avoiding of feeling, as in the body releasing and understanding arising. 

Simply in being mindful, aware, of perspectives and how they feel, you can recognize some habits in terms of perspectives of blowing things out of proportion. That can be a real energy drainer, and if one isn’t aware one is doing it, it can inadvertently be internalized as “something’s wrong with me”, which keeps the loop of this going. 

Inspect, notice, this is not the end, you haven’t experienced an end. So the perspective “in the end it all seems worthless”, is the projecting of a current temporary situation and or feeling, on to the whole of experience or your entire life. The reason that doesn’t perspective doesn’t feel good, is simply because it isn’t true. When this occurs, willfully choose a better feeling perspective. Even if that perspective was, “welp, this day sucked”, that is a much better feeling perspective than “in the end it all seems worthless”. But of course, don’t settle for “this day sucked”. Reach for an even better feeling perspective. Maybe take five minutes every morning and every night, to write down three things you are thankful for from that day, and three things you’re looking forward to the next day (tomorrow). Simple things, because it’s not really about the things - it’s about changing the perspectives & momentum of how you feel. 

7 hours ago, Shiva99 said:

I started taking care of myself, my sleep, my diet. I'm exercising on a regular basis, i'm meditating an hour every morning. At this point i left almost all my addictions behind me ( only coffee left), yet my life keeps going in a bad direction.

That HUGE! Congrats! 

7 hours ago, Shiva99 said:

The biggest problem is that my self confidence is very low, and i'm basically self doubting all the time. As soon as i enter my work environment there is this cloud above me that is induced by fear. I become another person that is scared to show, and do what comes to mind. Because of this i act akward, make stupid mistakes and colleagues start to think that i can't do anything right. My boss tells me he doesn't know what to think of me etc. 

Look to win the inner monologue game by reaching for that better feeling perspective. Choose to experience this as a fun hobby / pastime, a game which can be played 24 / 7, the incentive & reward of which, is the better feeling...feeling. If you do, some emotions will bubble up, be sure to breath, feel & focus on seeing & hearing...essentially, anything other than focusing on the thought story of it. The more emotion released from the body, the easier it is to ‘reach’ to those better feeling perspectives. Momentum builds, to the tune that you won’t have to do the reaching. Really great feeling perspectives will become the default. When you ‘win’ that inner game, which you have 100% control of...you will find that the ‘outer world’ begins to change in equal measure. Again, mindset of fun, light, even...excitement to see this happen for realz in your life. But again - keep ‘the point’ to feeling good, in and of itself. Careful not to build expectations of feeling better in a future. Feeling isn’t ever in a future. Feeling is now, and always now. You only have to ever ‘win’, this one single moment, now. 

7 hours ago, Shiva99 said:

I'm again so hopeless. I really don't know what i have to do, or why i deserve this.

There is some momentum in the direction of discord. That is, the focusing on of perspectives which don’t feel good to you. That led to the ‘blowing things out of proportion’, and the internalizing of the feeling as being about yourself, aka, the ‘something’s wrong with me’ mindset (which is the same as the ‘I need to be improved’ perspective). Behaviors can be changed, and you are. Perspectives can be changed, and you are. Circumstances in life can be changed, and you are. But you - you can not be improved upon, because you are already perfect. 

When you feel resistance / discord / not good - look to the perspective, and change it. If you don’t, you end up creating beliefs about yourself, to make some logical sense of why you feel that way, and you end up believing it’s because of “who you are”...and then you believe “something’s wrong with you”...and then you believe “you can improve yourself”. But ya can’t, cause you’re literally totally fucking awesome. It was the perspectives that led ya to deriving ‘hopeless’, and ‘why I deserve this’...and it is feeling, and being more flexible in letting perspectives which do not serve you go - which will lead you right out of hopeless. 

As you mentioned, you’ve been doing a lot for the well being of the body & mind. Feel good about that! Also recognize this can make you more aware of things like you mentioned at work. But it’s tricky, in the sense it is not actually because of work, boss, etc. It’s (how you feel) the perspectives. They resonate / feel good, or they don’t. If you had a mantra for this change in momentum, I would think it would be willingness. The willingness to let go of perspectives that don’t feel good is paramount...and it is also effortless. Matter of fact, you’re going to be experiencing a lot less effort, and a lot more good feeling energy & clarity, the more not-good-feeling-perspectives you let go of when the arise. 

It is likely that as you do, there will be days where some memories & emotional misunderstanding from the relationships of your younger years comes up. Be most careful not to ignore or suppress the feeling when this occurs, and also not to ‘latch on’ to the thoughts when this occurs. Just breathe on purpose from your stomach, relaxing the body over and over. Look around where you’re at, look at specific items, colors, etc. Remain present. As you do, you’re going to experience a freaking awesome shift from fear - to realizations the only thing you were ever actually fearing - was feeling, and then you’re going to crush this life you-style. 

[28 cm unbuffed]

@Shiva99

So, there is one thing I learned, there are two types of motivation - inspiration, and desperation. You can do a lot of "good things", but they will come out of fear, aka desperation. The more you force the more desperate, insecure, insert whatever you want here you are.

It's not that one day you will do all of your daily activities out of joy, inspiration and you will be naturally motivated to do them, fuck no. It's against human nature. But once you'll stop forcing things, "just to be accepted", "to be liked", "so that people see your value" you will become more of your true self. Then and only then you will get validation, respect, etc. 

It's counterintuitive, but that's how it works: imagine Cristiano Ronaldo starting a football game and forcing himself to run as fast as he can in the first 10 minutes of the game, just to show how strong and fast he is. We would become exhausted really soon, everyone could see that he is acting fake and just wants to prove something.

That's exactly how your coworkers and boss see you. Just be yourself, fuck what people think, and do your best. Improve yourself in the meantime, but when you are at work and with people, just let go and don't start a shitshow.

Good luck.

Edited October 21, 2020 by 28 cm unbuffed

[RendHeaven]

I've noticed social confidence is a different category from spirituality in my own life.

The more isolated and contemplative I am, the more harmony I have with the universe - however, simultaneously I become less charismatic lol.

I think I get too comfortable with being alone and suddenly thrusting myself into a social atmosphere brings back old programming about how I ought to be behaving, etc. and I stifle myself into a self-made box.

The solution of course, is to simply interact with people more! 

Edited October 21, 2020 by RendHeaven

[Shiva99]

4 hours ago, Gesundheit said:

@Shiva99 I don't know your life situation, but since you said you tend to slack off without negative motivation, I have to assume that your basic needs are met, because if they weren't, you would have to be authentically motivated to fulfill them, because there's no stronger motivation than the fear of death. So, if you let go and nothing happens, doesn't that mean that you don't actually want anything to happen? Don't you think that it's a message from your authentic self that it doesn't really have desires?

If you slack off and do nothing, what exactly will happen? How exactly your life will change? And most importantly, will you feel good or bad?

If i slack off i will start gambling again, watching porn a lot etc. I will stop exercising, eating relatively healthy and simply not care about anything. It happened several times in the past. If i don't force myself all the time nothing at all will happen and my life will fall apart around me as it did before. It will make me feel very bad.

[Gesundheit]

8 hours ago, Shiva99 said:

If i slack off i will start gambling again, watching porn a lot etc. I will stop exercising, eating relatively healthy and simply not care about anything. It happened several times in the past. If i don't force myself all the time nothing at all will happen and my life will fall apart around me as it did before. It will make me feel very bad.

To me it seems like the problem is on multiple levels:

1. Judgement. You judge yourself for being who you are and thinking what you think and wanting what you want and doing what you do. This is problematic because judgement is literally nothing but a thought and you're giving too much value to it. Maybe work on seeing through the judgements you make about yourself through meditation, and practice self-love in order to heal.
2. Biased judgement. So, you do certain things and some them seem fine to me but not to you. However, you lump everything together and demonize them all. For example, for me, being inconsistent with exercise doesn't mean that you're necessarily slacking off. Maybe you don't need to exercise every day. Don't force things in a neurotic or a mechanical manner, especially fun activities like exercise. You should aim for the joy that's within them. Really, if you're not exercising for fun, then what's the point? Health? You can already see how the way you're going about health is being counter-productive. Your psychological health is very important and if you're not feeling well, then there's something wrong. On the other hand, I agree that gambling and porn addiction are bad for you. This can be overcome with more awareness because addiction is nothing but lack of awareness. The patterns your mind is used to, to derive joy, are not the best patterns and you know it. They're just loops of dopamine seeking. If you want to break the cycle, you will have to increase your awareness by all means. And you should also expect pain and setbacks and perhaps even backlashes and regression at first. But the important thing to keep in mind is the ultimate goal of freedom, i.e. to be able to do whatever you want whenever you like and be able to stop yourself whenever you want to. This should motivate you to want to get rid of addiction.
3. Fear. Which is understandable and seems reasonable, yet at the same time being resisted and blocked by thoughts. Examine in your direct experience what you fear exactly and dive in the feeling until you're no longer affected by it. The fear will still be there but you will become more detached from it and it won't have this much impact over your life.
4. Responsibility. How you feel is your responsibility, completely, and 100%. Life and circumstances don't make you feel good or bad unless you allow them to do so. You can shift the responsibility to your own hands and make it your devotion to take care of yourself and master your emotional state.

I know it may sound like a lot of work, but it's really worth it. Because the better you feel, the more potential you will have, and then exponential growth will start to happen. And of course, the sooner you start, the better. Start small and be gentle with yourself. And if you forget, remind yourself to love yourself. Feel free to discuss anything if you have to. I'll try my best to be of help. And finally don't worry, a lot of people have been exactly there, and it only gets better.

[LeoX8]

@Shiva99 man you are not hopeless.

If you are doing this much for you is just means that your desire to change is really big. But I think it's bigger your desire to end this suffering. 

See, the fact that you are doing all these healthy habits and let go of the bad ones is a good thing, but it doesn't mean that all of this will change your life, every problem has its own solution. 

If you are trying to rise your self esteem stop drinking coffe or start doing cold showers, for example, are good things, but won't make you self confident. High self esteem comes from a different place and its a mixture of things, but the one I see you more struggling is self acceptance. 

All this fear comes from a thought like "I'm not good enough", "I'm not worthy" or "I'm hopeless". Those thoughts come from the core belief that there is something wrong with you in some way (example: not being so smart in your opinion). 

But even if you see these "wrong" things of you, can you still be happy? Ask seriously this question to you. 

If you search for the happiest people in the world you can CLEARLY AND WITHOUT ANY DOUBT that they have some flaws in some way, but often their positivity hides those things. 

You can still be happy even if you are not smart, not good, not funny, not good looking or everything that you can you imagine YOU CAN STILL BE HAPPY. 

Demonstrating this there is another problem here: do you want to be happy? 

Answer.

Even if you think you are helpless, hopeless, not worthy of being happy, even if you are trying so hard to be and it seems impossible, do you want to be happy?

See all that matters here is what you want. Obtaining it is secondary. You can find A LOT, really, A LOT of ways to make yourself happier and more secure, just do some research. Read "The Six Pillars of Self Esteem" and research for more informations about the things that you want.

Typing "books on self esteem/happiness" on Google and see what pops out.

What matters is your desire, and I think your desire is to be happy as an angel in heaven.

you can do this, trust me

hope this has helped<3

[susanyzm]

It looks like you've hit a bottleneck in self-actualization. Leo has a great video in breaking this bottleneck, which is through the body. I personally resonate a lot with his message. Leo said he does not talk much body because he's naturally quite intellectual and people are not supposed to only rely on him as the only source of growth. He has recommended kriya yoga. I don't practice a specific type of yoga, but I find just deep breathing and stretching the body releases a lot of trauma and stuck emotions. Your low-self confidence is also stored deeply in your body, not in your head.

One more thing: when we believe that we have tried everything, we are far from having tried everything. Open up your mind to new approaches. Good luck!

 

[Potato People King]

On 21/10/2020 at 1:43 PM, Shiva99 said:

I'm trying to improve myself like mad, and in the end it all seems worthless, and nothing works out. I started taking care of myself, my sleep, my diet. I'm exercising on a regular basis, i'm meditating an hour every morning. At this point i left almost all my addictions behind me ( only coffee left), yet my life keeps going in a bad direction.

The biggest problem is that my self confidence is very low, and i'm basically self doubting all the time. As soon as i enter my work environment there is this cloud above me that is induced by fear. I become another person that is scared to show, and do what comes to mind. Because of this i act akward, make stupid mistakes and colleagues start to think that i can't do anything right. My boss tells me he doesn't know what to think of me etc. 

I'm again so hopeless. I really don't know what i have to do, or why i deserve this.

Hi there!

I can sense some signs of social anxiety induced behavior in your description. I would recommend you to (if you had not already) to do a little research on social anxiety online, so you can make sense of what is happening to you. Definitely could be your case.

What I found especially useful regarding anxiety in general is the cognitive-behavioral therapy approach.

Basically you identify your anxiety/stress inducing behavior and automatic negative thought patterns and work on rewiring them into something positive, which works in your life and you feel comfortable with.

The thing I have experienced is that every time I feel uneasy in a given situation, I can sort of identify the negative automatic thought pattern (or a thought) behind it. The trick is, I have to be aware that it is not the situation itself which triggers the anxiety, but the thought pattern. Since the process is automatic (a pattern), you do not have to actively, counciously think negatively - it just happens by itself! Then it is easy to think that it is the situation itself which creates the anxiety, meanwhile the real culprit here is your own mind processes.

We have the power to tap into our thinking process and counciously direct our thoughts, which in turn change our emotional reactions, since they are tied together. We just have to take control of our cognitive functions.

When I am thinking about it right know, this idea of taking control of yourself is also the basis of the inner ingeneering concept by Sadhguru. But he elaborates in a different way, I would recommend you to focus on exploring cognitive-behavorial therapy concepts and social anxiety at the moment.

Good luck with your efforts!

[March]

@Shiva99

I'm going to give 1 perspective / solution to your situation here, that I personally find is so powerful:

You need a life purpose. A strong, systematic purpose that is derived from your greatest strengths, and is making the greatest impact you can possibly think of in this point in time -> what is it in the world that would be so much better if you changed it. Whatever impact you come up with should make you cry.  For me, the Life Purpose Course gives you exercises and resources and techniques in a systematic way that helps you do this (no, Leo didn't pay me to say this, but I can honestly say that this changed my life).

From my experience, when you have a vision such as this, your work becomes like war - for a truly meaningful cause. All the pettiness of life falls away. 

What do you think gives someone like MLK so much confidence to make a powerful, controversial speech to 250,000 people, and improvise, IMPROVISE, the most iconic part of the speech - the phase "I have a dream" was improvised on the spot by MLK when a friend called out "tell them about the dream". He had to have a life purpose to do something like that so confidently.

On 22/10/2020 at 7:12 AM, Shiva99 said:

I think i'm mostly driven by negative motivation. It's very hard for me to do something unforcefully. If i let go, nothing will happen, and i will start to slack really fast really bad. I've been there plenty of times. Doing things out of negative motivation and forcing myself works the best for me for now. 

I'm not sure how i can meditate more right now. There is simply not enough time in my days. When i come home from work i force myself to go for a run, have dinner etc and then it's time to sleep again. It's very hard to be present cuz i'm always busy doing things to keep up with the basics from collapsing. 

Life Purpose gives you positive motivation in the long run - and in the short term, that 1-2 years you do soul searching and align yourself with your life purpose, use the negative motivation of lying on your deathbed, and that impact, that life purpose you could have actualized dying with you. 

Good luck my friend?

Edited October 24, 2020 by March

[NoSelfSelf]

I think if you work on dissolving your ego life will become great without a doubt

[ShiftingParadigm]

@Shiva99 Have you considered the possibility of you having unresolved trauma? If unattended that shit will keep rearing it's ugly head. 

[Mu_]

On 10/21/2020 at 7:43 AM, Shiva99 said:

I'm trying to improve myself like mad, and in the end it all seems worthless, and nothing works out. I started taking care of myself, my sleep, my diet. I'm exercising on a regular basis, i'm meditating an hour every morning. At this point i left almost all my addictions behind me ( only coffee left), yet my life keeps going in a bad direction.

The biggest problem is that my self confidence is very low, and i'm basically self doubting all the time. As soon as i enter my work environment there is this cloud above me that is induced by fear. I become another person that is scared to show, and do what comes to mind. Because of this i act akward, make stupid mistakes and colleagues start to think that i can't do anything right. My boss tells me he doesn't know what to think of me etc. 

I'm again so hopeless. I really don't know what i have to do, or why i deserve this.

Well, what are you afraid of?  Have you looked into this?  If so what did you find, if not, ask yourself and deeply want to find out with no reservation of what the answer is, even if you don't like it or it scares you.  If you need, help put your answers here and i'll keep asking questions to help you proceed. 

Also ponder, that fear isn't going to kill you nor is anger or feelings of worthlessness and they are temporary.  You may need to feel these types of things for a period of time when your looking into this issue.

Cheers mate, love yourself.

[flume]

On 10/21/2020 at 1:43 PM, Shiva99 said:

I'm exercising on a regular basis, i'm meditating an hour every morning. At this point i left almost all my addictions behind me

Sounds more like a good direction than a bad one.

On 10/21/2020 at 1:43 PM, Shiva99 said:

The biggest problem is that my self confidence is very low, and i'm basically self doubting all the time.

Maybe you just need to give yourself some time in those new habits before expecting them to resolve one of the core struggles of human experience. That's why we're given 90 years.

On 10/21/2020 at 1:43 PM, Shiva99 said:

As soon as i enter my work environment there is this cloud above me that is induced by fear. I become another person that is scared to show, and do what comes to mind. Because of this i act akward, make stupid mistakes and colleagues start to think that i can't do anything right. My boss tells me he doesn't know what to think of me etc. 

Now that is a domain by itself and no amount of meditation or exercise will resolve that kind of unworthiness out of you. You'll have to return to that wounded part of your child-self one day; how you do, and when is up to you. Maybe therapy can help, psychedelics, working with a teacher one on one. You can't escape this or suppress it with other techniques, it's the very mission life trusted you with. So it's not "in the way", you're just getting to know the subject  

[Advocate]

@Shiva99 Like half a year ago I was in a similar situation like you. I tried so hard to improve myself yet nothing seemed to work... fast forward, nowadays I sometimes can’t even remember what the problem was.

I like the suggestions of the others. Have you tried any of the stuff? I agree with @susanyzm that Kriya Yoga is really helpful. I can recommend to you Forrest Knutson’s YouTube channel. 
Try this for relaxation: 

And this for finding and cleaning your chakras:

Good luck and much love ?