Cant connect with anyone

[Hawkins]

I'm a 33 software developer who doesn't interact with people a lot. I didn't even have a girlfriend yet and since the quarantine I'm more isolated than ever.

This week I once again tried to invite some acquaintances out for drinks and it actually came together. We met at a Bar and I just couldn't talk a word. They all talked and I just set there like an idiot with a blank mind. After 2 hours of this I excused myself and went straight home. At home it became clear to me that I'm in my 30s, still can't even connect with people in a very basic way. I was so mad at myself I ended up hiting myself in the head with my fists and falling into my bed with feelings of shame.

[mandyjw]

I have a job where I don't interact with people either. What I have found is that your brain has to learn and wire itself for speaking and conversation. It also needs time to warm up and go into conversation mode and nerves and infrequent use make that time period even longer. Find a way to practice speaking on your own. Make videos, even if you don't post them anywhere. Speak until you get into the flow of speaking and get comfortable in that flow. With practice it takes less and less time to get there. Listen to yourself back. Note how when you watch a tape of yourself back with an open mind, things look and sound a lot better and smoother than we thought they did when we were saying them. Then find more opportunities for conversations. 

By circumstance some of us just haven't had a lot of chances to develop good people skills and conversation. This is not your fault, and nothing to be ashamed about. On the positive side, you haven't amassed a bunch of inauthentic ways of speaking and communicating and so when you learn to speak authentically, it's powerful and unique. 

[TripleFly]

When you notice it, that you have been in dream land, and boy that dream is not even fun anymore. Then you're ready to wake up.

So wake up, wake up to what is natural to you, because it is natural for you to be flowing, and chatty, and joyful. It is like that because you are another beautiful person, with a beautiful heart, who doesn't yearn for much. So wake up to what is natural to you, in the moment that you are ready. And renounce all that complex, mind-stuff, all your anxiety, all your sad stories and frustrations- Just, a, dream. It can be more frustrating or complex. But it can also be as simple as, just go about being yourself. That's what they truly mean, when they say, get out of your head. 

Meanwhile, until the next opportunity shows itself, practice not being in your head. Go to the beach, or take bath in some cold water. Meditate on your breath or your body. Practice some yoga.

All these practices, they're all just ways to get outta your head. They're much more than that, but getting out of that, complex, problem seeking, anxious mind is a good first step

 

[Hawkins]

I feel like my mental health is getting progressively worse, in the past my depression only ended in self-pity and feeling like my I'm drained of energy.

Nowadays it often manifests itself as anger, I start punching the walls of the apartment and lately I'm punching myself in the head to release tension. I feel like I'm living in a different reality than all other people and a sense of urgency, time running out and hopelessness. I'm already self improving for 5 years and I don't feel like I made even one bit of progress. 

Every time I start to feel good about myself I hit a new low less than a week later.

Edited October 20, 2020 by Hawkins

[JosephKnecht]

Try connecting with people that share similar passions as you. If your passion is software development, join a meetup group and talk with people about the project they have built. 

If you don't have passions, find your passion. Trying new things is the best way to learn what you like. 

 

[Oliver Saavedra]

Quarantine has also messed up a little my social skills, but yet has been a good time for reframing the type of connection I want. As a huge introvert I find essential to build a strategy for this. 

First of all, start with yourself, try to feel comfortable a true to yourself during talks, i notice the "you should talk more" mindset gets in the way a lot. Only talk when you want to, not when "you should". Also practice talking before you think, because feeling awkward + overthinking freezes you and gets you stuck there, and talking before you think gets you unstuck. Just say say say.

Second, choose how deep you want to connect with whom. There's a lot of people that you wont get past the small talk, and thats ok. And there are others who also want deep talk and connection, so try making questions to dialogue around and check how deep you and them are willing to go. 

Much Love ❤️

Also check Susan Cain and Brene Brown

[Ananta]

@Hawkins Have you tried talking to a counselor or a speech-language therapist?

Speech-language therapist can be extremely helpful in your case, because you didn't seem to be paralyzed by social anxiety (you did invite ppl out). You just lacked the ability to make a conversation once you were out which counselors or SP therapist could help you work on.

[Thestarguitarist14]

@Hawkins I believe that you have an inferiority complex.  You are also far too self conscious.  The only way to solve that is by some deep self love.  

[Hawkins]

4 hours ago, Ananta said:

@Hawkins Have you tried talking to a counselor or a speech-language therapist?

Speech-language therapist can be extremely helpful in your case, because you didn't seem to be paralyzed by social anxiety (you did invite ppl out). You just lacked the ability to make a conversation once you were out which counselors or SP therapist could help you work on.

No I never went to any professional. But I noticed I developed speech impediments and fucking up / forgetting words that I didn't have as a teenager. In an average week I only speak about once or twice about work related stuff.

Im thinking about going to the cinema alone today.

Edited October 21, 2020 by Hawkins

[ivory]

@Hawkins I'm a 40 year old software developer and totally relate to your story. I spent a good deal of my life lonely, isolated, and awkward around people. I struggled a lot but learned a ton and eventually came to lead a very fulfilling social life. I just wanted to offer some words of encouragement and perhaps a little bit of advice.

 

First of all it's going to take time to reach your destination. I can see that you are dealing with a lot of frustration but you have to understand that you're not going to see progress overnight. When you get discouraged or feel like giving up, grieve a little, pick yourself back up, and keep moving. Realize that you're not going to click with everyone but you will eventually find people you are compatible with. Be patient and gentle with yourself.

 

Make sure you get as much social interaction as possible. Open up to new experiences and different types of people. The more experience you have the more well-rounded you become and the clearer you get on your values and preferences. Develop yourself and get clear on your direction. I realize that this will be a challenge during the pandemic but it's not impossible and this too shall pass.

 

Take in interest in hobbies, health, education and learning, adventure, and mastery at work. Investing in yourself will boost your confidence and self-esteem and help you find common ground with others.

 

I would highly recommend seeing a therapist to keep you motivated, on track, and mentally healthy. Trust me, it's worth it. Therapists are awesome because they offer a unique perspective and understand the mechanics of suffering. Personal growth can be counterintuitive so working with a professional is invaluable. Self-esteem issues are really difficult to treat on your own.

 

 

I hope at least some of this is useful. Best of luck to you on your journey.

 

[Preety_India]

On 10/20/2020 at 5:06 PM, Hawkins said:

Every time I start to feel good about myself I hit a new low less than a week later.

Why is this happening? 

 

[Globalcollective]

@Hawkins I'v been there mate, try learning how to open up your heart chakra. Also some MDMA with a close friend, tho madma is bad for your health so you have to be carful. The only thing holding you back from connecting with other people is the fear of being vulnerable. Start prancing being more vulnerable and honest with people and you will be nicely shocked at how accepting people are of the real you

[Gesundheit]

@Hawkins This is a common problem and you are not alone. Your mind wasn't actually blank. It was busy and failed to perform.

On a scale from 1 to 10 how would you rate your relationship with your emotions? If it's low, then chances are what I said above is true and you need to get in touch with your emotions. For that purpose, I would recommend a retreat or a vacation where you can take a break from life and focus more inwards, and perhaps treat yourself a little bit better. I did exactly that a few weeks ago, and I tend to be more of an introvert. Miracles started to happen! On the way back home, I started chatting up with random people in the bus and on the streets. I talked with one guy for about two hours and with another for about 30 minutes. All of it was completely effortless.

I hope my experience inspires you, and I'll be happy to see your reaction. This retreat was the first one I have ever done (10 days; 5 of them were vacation with friends, and 5 others were me alone doing inner work). It was one of the best things I have ever done.

[Setzer901]

@Hawkins

Hey man, I've been in your shoes before and I can totally relate to that situation. The way I see it, there are 2 ways out of this mess.

1) Read books on social skills and start trying to better yourself socially. A good start would be "How to Win Friends and Influence People". Try to put yourself out there more often. Develop a sense of confidence. 

This is a more band-aid solution, but it is better than doing nothing.

2) The better option would be to find a therapist.

There is a part of you that keeps your mind blank when you are with other people. I had a part of me that used to shut my throat when I used to speak to a group of new people. This aspect of me did this because it wanted to prevent me from getting rejected, as I had been rejected in the past for speaking up in front of people.

Find therapies that deal with your feelings than ones which are too mind or behaviour oriented. If you aren't talking about your emotions at all during therapy, that therapy won't do shit for you. 

Edited October 28, 2020 by Setzer901

[electroBeam]

On 22/10/2020 at 2:41 AM, Meta-Man said:

What helped me up my social game was to work as a waiter and as a cashier. You get tons of exposure and experience this way. If possible, consider changing job to a socially demanding one, if only temporary. It might be uncomfortable at first, but you’ll grow immensely from it.

+1

Or just volunteer for a cause you're passionate about.

 

OP software developers do talk as part of their job... it can't be as bad as you're making out. Imagine if you went in a cave for years.

[diamondpenguin]

On 10/20/2020 at 0:30 AM, Hawkins said:

I'm a 33 software developer who doesn't interact with people a lot. I didn't even have a girlfriend yet and since the quarantine I'm more isolated than ever.

This week I once again tried to invite some acquaintances out for drinks and it actually came together. We met at a Bar and I just couldn't talk a word. They all talked and I just set there like an idiot with a blank mind. After 2 hours of this I excused myself and went straight home. At home it became clear to me that I'm in my 30s, still can't even connect with people in a very basic way. I was so mad at myself I ended up hiting myself in the head with my fists and falling into my bed with feelings of shame.

It sounds like you just dont know what to talk about. Try just talking to them about your past memories as those carry some good juice to them usually. And dont worry if you think they aren't good enough. Most people talk about the randomest shit anyway. And you'll get better at it and dont forget to just enjoy the process of talking to your friends and dont take it too seriously your there to have fun not win an award. I was in the exact place your were when I was around 15. Dont worry you'll get the hang of it. Just chill out and treat yourself better. It's not worth it. Your there to have fun talking to people. So relax and talk about some cool stories from your life. Your all good mane. @Hawkins

[diamondpenguin]

On 10/21/2020 at 8:41 AM, Meta-Man said:

What helped me up my social game was to work as a waiter and as a cashier. You get tons of exposure and experience this way. If possible, consider changing job to a socially demanding one, if only temporary. It might be uncomfortable at first, but you’ll grow immensely from it.

 Nah dude. It's never a good idea to go leave a programming job. Building social skills isnt worth risking the way you make your cheese. 

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, diamondpenguin said:

 Nah dude. It's never a good idea to go leave a programming job. Building social skills isnt worth risking the way you make your cheese. 

So true. 

[Nahm]

There is no fix to negative self talk, because there was nothing wrong with you in the first place. 

Awareness alone is curative. Recognizing this is the first step to choosing a better feeling thought.

Consciously doing so is the final step, and it is realized nothing was needed to feel better.