Dealing With Loneliness

[Pilgrim]

I am in a fulfilling relationship with my partner who I believe is my soulmate and I am very, very happy that I have met him. Nevertheless, I currently lack an active circle of friends that is living close to me and that is making me feel a bit lonely. I have many friends that live quite far, but in my immediate surrounding there is currently nobody.. (not even my partner, he lives in another country). But aside from the physical distance there is another problem: most of my friends are not into this kind of work we do in the forum and therefore I do not feel like I can fully express my authentic self with them.. there is always a part that I am hiding from them because I know they would not understand.. ultimately that makes me feel quite frustrated and not really connected.. because I can only share parts of myself with them, but they are not really able to grasp the whole me.. they somehow cannot grasp my complexity in its full depth and that really makes me feel misunderstood and unconnected in a way.. my partner is different, he really gets me and it was a gift from heaven to have met him and I will be forever grateful for that. However, I feel like a partner cannot be your sole true connection in life. I long for a circle of friends who truly gets me. I really want to meet this special tribe since a long, long time.. but so far it has not happened. I guess I just have to be patient, one day it will happen and I will meet my tribe.

I just don't know how to deal with the loneliness and the longing that is creeping in from time to time. Therefore my question: does anybody have any tips on how to deal with acute loneliness? 

Thank you so much for any advice, it's highly appreciated 

[Recursoinominado]

Well, it is very rare that you will find a friend that will 100% get your most authentic self (but don't let this be a limiting belief, they do exist).

You can find friends that are, at least, partially align with your values (this is easier). Find people that are positive and encouraging and you won't feel like you are wasting time being with them.

You can see this also as a spiritual practice by being fully present and loving with people that do no share much of your interests. Make people feel  listen, appreciated, talk about them, touch them, smile genuinely when you meet them, look them deep in their eyes, give them true compliments and people will love you.

In my experience, you have to take the iniciative to make new friends and to deepen the relationship, invite people to do stuff, to your house, cook together, bound.

Remember, everyone feels insecure sometimes, if you are introverted, they can interpret this as you not liking them. Do not assume people know you like them, show them, tell them.

But, ultimately, this is indeed a lonely journey, the deeper you go, the lonely it gets, so you being perfectly fine with being all by yourself is a must. Self-Love and complete self-acceptance, be always kind to yourself, talk to yourself, laugh by yourself.

[Preety_India]

You need self love. 

Loneliness is bound to occur since relationships don't last long. Sometimes people walk away. You make new relationships. This cycle goes on. 

Sometimes you find people who are aligned to you and sometimes it never happens. You can't keep wasting time finding the right people all your life. 

Accept this. 

Invest in your life and if you invest in your own life, your life will reward you more than any friend or companion on earth - speaking from personal experience. 

 

 

[Roy]

Loneliness or "being alone" isn't a bad thing @Pilgrim. We're conditioned to believe and feel like it is though (for survival/egoic reasons). Embrace it and learn to be able to sit with that feeling, head on. Some of your most important insights and personal development will come from that loneliness. Most people fear being alone because it forces them to confront things and realities about themselves that can make them quite uncomfortable. Have the courage to tackle this.

This doesn't mean go out of your way to feel loneliness. Still seek out friendships and relationships as much as you feel necessary, but when some loneliness DOES come your way don't try to squirm your way out of it or run from it.

 

[Thestarguitarist14]

You are lonely because you are in a stage of lack rather than a state of being.  Basically, you need to become more present.

[ivory]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but there are very few people out there who are truly spiritually developed. We're talking way less than one percent of the population. Part of the work we do on this forum is to develop ourselves so we are adaptable and content regardless of circumstance. If you are chronically lonely, sad, or depressed then you still have a good deal of work to do. You need to get to a place where you accept and appreciate people as they are. You aren't going to connect with everyone and you should stay away from toxic people but being lonely all the time is a good indicator that something is off internally.

 

Some or none of this may be true for you but most people who aren't content socially are: lacking social skills, shy, awkward, lazy, needy, excessively introverted, living in an incompatible city, expecting too much from others, underdeveloped, inexperienced, idealistic, arrogant, lacking self-knowledge, using spirituality to avoid real life. This is not a judgement but more of an observation and result of having learned from personal experience.

 

I used to be chronically lonely and a social misfit but now live a very rich and fulfilling social life. My advice to people who haven't found their tribe is to get a lot of life experience and be open to meeting and getting to know a variety of people. To be fulfilled you need to be developed/well-rounded/experienced and that doesn't happen in a spiritual bubble. Continue to be open-minded, curious, accepting, and kind; And don't run away from life's challenges.

 

I am willing to bet that most people on this forum would do quite well pursuing people who meet the following criteria: deep thinkers, creative, well-traveled, health-conscious, intelligent, interesting, politically mature, quirky, meditators, activists, nature lovers, adventurers, readers, documentary lovers. If you are familiar with Spiral Dynamics seek out "green" friends and make that a priority. Make sure you live in an area conducive to developing a healthy and supportive community.

 

Lastly, don't listen to the people who say that you should be content without friends. People need varying levels of social interaction but most of us need a good deal of love and support from others. A life without friends is not only empty but it is also really unhealthy. Beware of those who say otherwise.

 

Wishing you the best on your journey.

Edited October 21, 2020 by ivory

[Pilgrim]

Thanks for all of your answers!

On 21.10.2020 at 1:08 PM, ivory said:

Lastly, don't listen to the people who say that you should be content without friends

Yes, that is exactly what I thought for a while as well.. that I can truly be happy all on my own and honestly I was quite content, I guess that was because it did not come out of a need, but I consciously made that decision to distance myself from everyone I knew and they really wanted me to be in contact with them.. but lately I have been realising that I am actually still missing something. I miss having friends. I still have friends, but they are not really an active part of my life. I have my partner and he is my best friend too! So there is one friend very present in my day-to-day life.. but somehow I start to feel like it is not enough. I miss having this deep bond with a friends group that is around. I need a circle of friends physically present in my day-to-day life.. I think I denied that I have this need, but I start to understand now that – at least for me – this is part of a fulfilling life. 

Still... I am very picky with people in general and especially with friends. I cannot be friends with anyone. I value everyone as an individual, but honestly to feel truly connected with people they just need to be like-minded.. at least that's the case for me. And I am increasingly struggling to find like-minded individuals who could be my friends. I hope this does not sound arrogant, but in my honest opinion I think the reason for this is that I am outgrowing them. My partner is the only person I know that I can truly relate to and I just wish so much that I could meet more people like that in my surrounding. But maybe that is also a lot to ask for.. I feel already very fortunate to have met my partner.. and I am sure along our way we will cross paths with lot's of interesting people.. so probably I am just impatient.  

But I think it's important for me to recognise that need: I need friends in my life. Friends I truly feel connected with. Like-minded individuals with an open mind, a curiosity for life, who are silly and slightly crazy; the good kind of crazy! Who questions things, who want to live their best lives and who are genuinely wanting to help others, who's lives are not only about themselves. 

 

On 20.10.2020 at 3:15 AM, Roy said:

Embrace it and learn to be able to sit with that feeling, head on.

Yes that is very true, too! I want to learn to just sit with my loneliness and to accept it. I have a huge need somehow to feel understood and when I notice that people around me cannot fully grasp me and the way I think, it just makes me feel lonely. I am more lonely with people than when I am alone actually. However, I noticed I still need people and especially true friends. But the right kind of people and they are hard to find. But hey, I met at least one and I should probably celebrate that more! Such a gift to meet someone who genuinely gets you.. the more we grow, the more we stand out from the crowd and the harder are the chances to meet a true equal. It makes so much sense, it's so logical.. but still it's one of the harder things to accept on this path.. we are bound to feel a bit lonely sometimes. 

 

On 20.10.2020 at 2:44 AM, Preety_India said:

You need self love.

I don't know.. maybe. But I worked a lot on my self-love and I genuinely do love myself! I am sure there is still some potential left, but I don't think that's the problem actually. At least for myself I noticed I can be content on my own, I really can.. but personally I still feel like there is something missing. To me there is nothing more fulfilling than to have a true, genuine bond with someone. Relationships are the most fulfilling thing to me, I know they don't last and that's okay. I don't cling to them, but I know I need to have good relationships in my life for as long as they may last. It's a coming and a going and that's fine. As long as it's real. 

 

On 20.10.2020 at 2:44 AM, Preety_India said:

You can't keep wasting time finding the right people all your life. 

I guess that's true though! They will come when the time is right! For me it was just important I think to acknowledge that I have this need of true companionship because I tried to deny this for a while. Maybe others genuinely don't have it, but I do! For me it's not enough to be by myself. It's better and preferable than to be with the "wrong" kind of people.. but for me there is just still something missing. And that's what I am trying to accept now. Something is missing for me and I really hope this will change in time, but if it does not I cannot change it either. As you said it will happen or it won't. 

Edited October 22, 2020 by Pilgrim