Introspection: Exploring the feeling dimension

[Loving Radiance]

Intimacy & connection & emotion & beingness & authenticity & stillness & embodiment & living & flow

 

A dream: My mother shows me a picture of a little black-haired boy and her standing besides him having her hand on his shoulder. I ask why she shows me the two standing together; I don't know this boy she's with. She tells me: My parents adopted two children and birthed two children unbeknownst to me. I rejoice to meeting the kids. My heart fills with loving gentleness.

The little boy of maybe 2 or 3 years materializes at my mother's desk. I see him coming to me on the carpet of the living room, wanting to hug me, to cuddle. I feel so honored, full of gratitude for his trust in me as his brother although I am still being a stranger to him. Full of trust he lets himself fall into my legs to want to feel my presence in my embrace. I kneel down and hug him dearly.

We fall/glide to the side and lay side to side in deep embrace on the carpet. Time stands still. Stillness settles. Beingness emerges. We don't look into each others eyes but we feel this connection, this being beyond emotion. The container of emotion seems empty when faced with this moment. Emotion cannot contain this tranquil connectedness and yet, it just feels like love being the space of our being. Being this intimate being feels just authentic and pure. This tranquil love pervades this being space. It is beyond embodiment, it is being this, living as this, flowing as this being.

The boy is just pure innocent joy. Wanting to enjoy the presence that I radiate. Wanting to be felt as he is in his being. Just wanting to rest, to be held, embraced fully. Wanting to be held in the gentlest hand, wanting to rest in the most tender blanket of awareness.

Edited October 19, 2020 by Loving Radiance
typo

[Loving Radiance]

Scrutinizing separations - Talking deep and superficially

 

It is LR's preference to talk deep about things; he feels a fullness and connection to his being to explore this profundity. He has a preference to find something new instead of seeing the same things. It gets boring for him to look at the world from the same frame again and again. He sees the ocean's depth as being more interesting that the surface. He values new things as being better; he feels better when he gets something new. This also seems to be woven into his survival mechanics as a broad range of experiences prepares him better to function for survival.

The demonization of superficiality exists in his perspective as he did not feel connected to his fellow students in high school (thus he suffered). Now he wants to experience a strong connection and that connection is tried to achieve through vulnerability and talking deep. Apparently, he feels the connection to source.

From his point of view, is superficiality laced with more layers of separation (which shield from the authentic radiance of existential love) than profundity? From the divine perspective there is equal value in superficiality and profundity, or rather, they have no value. LR has a biased perspective because of his own judgement of what is right and wrong. He sees profundity to be a more direct connection to stillness/source than superficiality because of its felt nature to be without or less layers.

What role does the theme of things coming full circle play in this (profundity is superficiality)? It is a pointer to source. It is a story that LR tells himself to validate himself. The story is him being enabled through his preference to connect more directly/faster/easier. Seeing that, all aspects are pointers and LR can have preferences independent of judgement.

Does LR actually validate himself when he feels that his preference enables a more direct thread to source? He can corrupt everything to validate himself.

How does it come then that one feels wants which are connected to stillness which also feel good? Perhaps is it one thing to feel something as being good and it is another thing to judge something as profound and superficial because of its nature of goodness.

Is it really true that LR because of depth gets more directly to stillness? He feels it in his core. It is like the stillness of vulnerable intimacy, oneness. It is a story which he creates. However, he is connected to stillness when he 'does' something deep.

Is there a possibility that 'doing' something deep is the shifting of focus? There is more than the eye sees: The focus on superficiality reveals profundity. It seems as if the conversations about deep stuff feels profound to LR. It seems to be a judgement: What is determined to be profound is dependent on the point of view which of course is chosen by LR according to his biased perspective.

What is felt? Separation - as putting oneself above another through superiority of profundity - feels like corruption. LR creates separations and he excludes people to feel above them through felt depth of being.

It feels good to break down LR and to scrutinize him.

What is innocent here? The preference to examine something. Clarity.

He validates himself by feeling contempt for other people which are judged to be not deep or who do not have interest to inspect; he projects superficiality onto other people because he is superficial in not examining them for depth of being.

What lies behind the judgement of profundity and superficiality? Love. Being. Connectedness. It is seen that stillness is tied to the conditional preference. Underneath preference there is Oneness just laying there without condition.

Edited October 24, 2020 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

Lessons of the day

That what you want wants you. Intuitive insights & directions which you are pulled towards resurface again and again as the selective focus connected with ego consciousness and separated being steers towards confrontation - as long as the water is rigid in its being it will be hindered by every stone in the riverbed; if the water is fluid and stones are seen through, there is water just flowing.

If I feel fear of rejection then I don't love the person with which I wanted to be connected.

[Loving Radiance]

Lesson of the day

My nature as identity is transparent & ghostlike. I am transparentl & fluid and manifest myself to be this form.

[Loving Radiance]

?
You are loved.

Your existence here is possible through love

and love makes you complete & perfect

coming from selfless goodness.

Beyond thoughts
judgement,
interpretation,
past and future
is love omnipresent,
unlimited & unconditional.

This is being grounded.

This is peace that is only found at home.

[Loving Radiance]

On thought, being, love, separation, collapsing materialistic worldview.

 

It is a thought that being can be seen in the black of someone's eyes. Being is beyond that.

Everything here is being. It is limited to believe someone's being is in their eyes, their voice, their actions... Everything here - even that what I don't consider to be intelligent - is made of it. It is self-biased to think it is any other way. It makes me sad to have thought being is in someone's eyes,

I don't know the being in others. I always know my being and project it.

|

Seeing the love in people is also a projection. Feeling them to be blessed and seeing them being made of love is a projection. The canvas can hold any color painted on it. What painting do I want to create?

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It is a thought that being is inside me. Identification to be the body is underlying the assumption that is comes from inside - separation body & world. Is there any difference between the love that is projected & love that is felt; is there a difference between outside & inside? There is only subjectivity which is of course objective as there is nothing outside of my experience.

So, can there be a difference between me & other? I feel my own radiation. I love myself. If I don't love me, I don't love others. All I can feel is my own radiation, whatever form it might take. Seriously, are there other beings? All what I can know is my being. If I feel others, it is my being. No really, is there a difference between LR and the person next door, their dog and my table? This is getting dangerous. Maybe another time.

Is there a difference in modulations of knowing? It seems so. The rainbow is the modulation. Are the colors separate? It is the belief that it is separate.

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What are the colors, canvas, brush, and air made of? Does the painting color itself? No, that would be a TV lol. Diversion masked as humor can also be self-deception. Maybe another time.

Edited December 15, 2020 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

Adding this to the last post

Gotta come back at this.

[Loving Radiance]

It feels uncomfortable exposing the imaginary illusory identity of LR like in "The Emperor's New Clothes". Nevertheless, it feels good to let this out of the system.

 

Feeling > Knowing

I asked one facilitator at a tantric event for how long he now knows a participant who supports the facilitator team. The context was that I was confronted with my repressed desire, the desire for her. I assumed the two knew each other before because he behaved like she was a friend of his.

"How long do you know her?"

"I don't know her, but I feel her."

Edited February 2, 2021 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

"Direct" experience of death: Thought being believed vs. existential beauty recognized

 

My grandma died the last summer. I think a week before that she was already brought to the palliative care unit of the hospital. During her last few days, she was on painkillers and unconscious. We were with her for almost an hour, watching her take one arduous breath after another until the end.

  The window was opened. The birds sang outside and the sun was shining. The clouds were white and fluffy. What a beautiful day.

Coming back into the room the thought was evident. My grandma was dying. We all are grieving. What a beautiful day it is outside - birds singing, sun shining, people enjoying life. There is the insight: A death makes no difference and the earth doesn't stop rotating per se, but the earth stops, if you want to make it to be a difference, if you want to make it to be significant to you.

Attaching to the idea "My granny is dead" the people seem ignorant to just live and go on with their life.

Letting go of the idea & recognizing reality, this is just as beautiful as always. Outstandingly beautiful while there is nothing to stand out from.

After that I went eating lunch with my dad. It was interesting to observe attaching to the idea (her death and me being her grandson) caused suffering. Detaching from the idea, accepting that this is life and tuning into this moment filled me with joy. The difference could not be more visible.

 

I am not sure how much my detachment from her months before her death played into my brief grieving process. Before Lockdown, we would go to her favorite cafe for lunch almost every weekend. 2 years before that I made the decision to go out with her and to give her my presence because I felt her time was coming to an end. I enjoyed the time with her.

[Loving Radiance]

Orienting yourself in limbo.

 

Feel into yourself. Be here. Realize the blank canvas of this moment.

Drop your mask of what you think you are. You are just here, present.

Now ask yourself:

> What do I want right now?

> What do I want to do?

> How do I want to shine my brilliance?

 

"I just want that." Ok, take it.

"I just wanna be that." Ok, be that.

"Can I have or be anything I want?" Yes, you can.

"But there is me believing to be a certain way and to have certain abilities. " So what, does that stop you?

"But I don't let go. It's hard." Holding onto things is hard. Letting go is easy.

"I don't wanna die by letting go." That is ok. You can always let go. Know that in letting go You will remain.

"And when I forget that?" Make it a daily coming home. Infuse your knowing into daily life and everything will be a pointer for you to come home. You will feel when you aren't home.

 

Feel what you desire. Where do you want to sail to?

You are already at your destination by orienting yourself and setting the course.

Set your course and let go of any conditioning. Anything coming up is coming to you to release it.

You are loved. ❤️

[Loving Radiance]

"So, I gave up."

https://fb.watch/42qMWP3QOH/

[Loving Radiance]

Freedom & letting go = death & melting snow

To hate someone is to hold on to them. It is binding and imprisoning oneself. If one hates themselves... By letting go of oneself, one doesn't hate themselves anymore. It is effortful to hold on to be this person. It is effortless to let go.

You recognize yourself through suffering. It is a pointer.

The compass to source is in the heart. A trojan horse. A divine gift.

When do you let go to be this person?

 

In Ad Astra (2019), watching the comfort room scene on Mars (esp. from 56:06): Looking at the relationship with his father, the hate binds him to his father. In general, the monologues about his emotional being are very insightful.

Edited March 10, 2021 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

On 5.3.2021 at 11:38 PM, Loving Radiance said:

"So, I gave up."

https://fb.watch/42qMWP3QOH/

Interesting that Love was almost always present in every shot as the sun or a small point of light. Love is there "before and after" enlightenment so to speak, ever present.

She died and the sun fills the screen.

Her dad dies and the sun fills the screen.

Edited March 12, 2021 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

On music

 

Since childhood I always felt beauty in music. It connected me to a world of being.

Growing up being immersed in music made me connected to life, connected me to what it meant to be human.

The human condition is so well mirrored in music.

Listen. What do you feel?

[Loving Radiance]

In Search Of Absolute Beauty

 

You are drawn to feel beauty because you are it. The mind comes in to capture beauty, to make it last longer. However it makes no sense. Beauty is to be felt, to be engulfed by it.

Edited March 29, 2021 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

Lesson of the day

 

By believing to be rejected, by believing that life closes itself off from you, you reject yourself and close yourself off from life.

Awakenings don't stabilize. Prime yourself every day and let life flow through you.

Believe nothing less than fucking greatness of yourself. This greatness cannot be claimed but can only allowed to flow through you.

Edited April 10, 2021 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

God's Love

 

I don't know what to do. I am in limbo. Just like a year ago when I just didn't start doing anything for college. The days are passing by me. I'm afraid to die. I'm afraid of being great. It doesn't feel good. God tells me what I am and I resist.

You think you are not great and perfect, but you are. You can deny it all you want, but it is within you. It is your nature. By going into the cold water, you feel resistance. But it subsides and then you flow. The jump into the dark cave is frightening. In the cave you see again.

I have identified with a lazy side, so now I don't want to let go of it, even though it doesn't feel good.

You are so wise. You already know what feels good. Start small. Take the first small step. Surrender yourself to love. It's a process. It's okay that you don't radiate 100% of your love right away. By letting go, you will be reborn. Let go and flow. You feel that you are the water. You are love. Love destroys you and gives birth to you again and again. You are so loved. You are my child. You are perfect. You are too good to believe in yourself. You are pure goodness.

I will come back to you. Thank you.

Edited April 30, 2021 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

There is so much spiritual bypassing in this thread.

I collect insights and don't embody them. Instead of creating my expanded identity with the insights I download I continue to be this character moving on autopilot.

Love tells me to die, to be reborn anew. I am afraid of dying. Being ice is tangible, supposedly stable. Water is not. Water is potentiality, not yet crystallized.

Just let go.

[Loving Radiance]

Less identification to the body (or, there is more than the body)

 

I read the newest posts from this thread: https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/18958-let-us-see-your-face-?/

Is it conscious to post pics of the person behind the account? Of course. Would I post? I could.

Yesterday I was hiking with friends. Perfect day for a hike, even from a judging perspective. Just flowing. Feels good. However interestingly, in the evening I went through the photos of me and there was a strange feel of being alien in this human body. Yes, I know this body, but the person is so radically different from the body. This beingness feels outerworldly.

I think Leo mentioned in the JP video the delicate balance between deconstructing and integrating aspects of reality. You can go overboard with it (and yet it is Beauty and Love). Interestingly, the person can be rigid and have an agenda by focusing more on transcendence. Spiritual bypassing. Avoiding life. Seeking a shortcut.

 

Edited May 9, 2021 by Loving Radiance

[RendHeaven]

On 4/30/2021 at 5:40 AM, Loving Radiance said:

I collect insights and don't embody them. Instead of creating my expanded identity with the insights I download I continue to be this character moving on autopilot.

Love tells me to die, to be reborn anew. I am afraid of dying. Being ice is tangible, supposedly stable. Water is not. Water is potentiality, not yet crystallized.

Just let go.

We've spent decades imagining ice.

Of course it'll take a decade un/re-imagining it!