Introspection: Exploring the feeling dimension

[Loving Radiance]

@RendHeaven It's suffering through feeling your fluidity and holding on to ice rather than an aspect of time & conditioning.

Oh wait, we mean the same thing. Ok then

 

Being ice teaches alot about water.

[RendHeaven]

3 hours ago, Loving Radiance said:

rather than an aspect of time & conditioning.

Yes, it's fascinating...

Nothing stops us from letting go right now... other than the imagination of some inhibition, which, nothing is stopping us from letting go of right now... other than the imagination of some inhibition, which, nothing is stopping us from letting go of right now...

[Loving Radiance]

Life is to be experienced & ego-backlash

 

I was 13 or 14 years old. I was sitting on a lounger in my grandparent's garden, reading in the sun, having a cat besides me. I felt that the world was perfect and I was at peace. In this moment I could have died and I would have gladly said farewell to life. Even though I judged my life to not be perfect I still felt that it would be just good, if I died in that moment.

I thought about life and the experience. Living just once. Experiencing life and dying at the end and it just being for nothing. So, what is life for? What does it offer? Well, life offers a wide range of experience. If you are here once, you can experience all of life. Why else should you be here? It's experiencing life without making it toxic, of course.

Today I recognitized that me claiming to be a person that wants to experience life to the fullest makes me suffer. Every time I judge myself not to experience life I make a shadow out of me. Presence is experiencing life. Even when not present, there is an observer always observing. However, there is a resonance in expanding oneself & in realizing one's angelic radiant love.

A while back during shamanic breathing there was a vision coming to me. There was a love-sun and I wanted to be that sun. Just being on fire & radiating love.

 

 

On 5.3.2021 at 11:38 PM, Loving Radiance said:

"So, I gave up."

https://fb.watch/42qMWP3QOH/

I wanted to be another person. The Infinity-insanity trip showed no person.

I rewatched it. I couldn't contain this Love.

Edited May 20, 2021 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

On 2.2.2021 at 7:08 PM, Loving Radiance said:

Feeling > Knowing

I asked one facilitator at a tantric event for how long he now knows a participant who supports the facilitator team. The context was that I was confronted with my repressed desire, the desire for her. I assumed the two knew each other before because he behaved like she was a friend of his.

"How long do you know her?"

"I don't know her, but I feel her."

On that retreat as I faced my repressed desire and fell back into habits the facilitator also said that I gotta let go of the role I play.

One minute in that video and I thought of him

 

Edited May 19, 2021 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

To do:

• On language & time and how we see/construct the world
  • On language
  • On time
    • understanding it as a human
    • it being a construct
  • Arrival
  • Love (holy shit, I might loose it rn)
• On suffering, insight and wisdom
  • to suffer in order to learn & have insight
• Continuation of "On thought, being, love, separation, collapsing materialistic worldview"
  • Deconstructing the materialistic worldview (quotes from that post)
  • Spira: Is there an outside world? (incert video)
  • "You cannot die. What dies is untrue. You are eternal."
• sth like "On true human relating and communicating"
  • deep green & yellow and perhaps turq
  • radical honesty & authentic relating
  • true listening and letting go of oneself
    • own bias (bc experiences & lens) & projections
  • giving space for someone to explore themselves

Edited June 20, 2021 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

Recognizing and seeing reality

 

During sex there was a flashback to the God trip. It was a clear energetic shift: a recognition that consciousness is manifesting in ape-like bodies called humans. A recognition what this form is with its limitations, that whatever would happen to the body, reality would continue as always. In the past few days there were increasingly frequent felt recognitions of this world being out of this world, being alien and that the consciousness projecting the world is alien and not human at all. Feels a bit insane.  "[The ego] says 'What are you doing loosing yourself?'" - Osho   And still, it is used to divert focus - distraction.

[Loving Radiance]

On depressive periods and current state

 

Between February and end of June there was a period of me believing thoughts about myself and feeling stuck. It was very intense from April to June. It wasn't self-acceptance and self-love. I wasn't present with myself and I also didn't listen to myself. I meditated and journaled randomly maybe a few times in that period. During shamanic breathing I felt my bottled up emotions and they expressed themselves. In that time I also started a diary to process the emotions, to speak with intuition - I recognized that I just would turn to it as a coping mechanism when feeling especially down to soothe myself. I avoided feeling myself by distracting me with the forum, movies, games and books - I couldn't deal with myself and it was a self-fulfilling prophecy that I would stay stuck. These avoidance and distraction behaviors continued and to deal with the misery I went more deeply into them although I recognized that they were the cause. There was no real felt & emodied sense of a way towards authenticity. I also spoke with others to inspire them for their highest desire - it felt like playing a character who looks like a banger of inspiration on the surface and at the same time being a train wreck underneath that, value signaling. Doing all this to avoid feeling a void.

In that time I recognized clearly that I picked up from society that life is about presenting an image of a positive character of me - having just a straight growth curve. I also could grasp now clearly how much of spiritual and intellectual bypassing I did. Before that I felt that already but was more avoidant of feeling that. There are still remnants of that habit. I am grateful how deep I went in that depressive period, otherwise I wouldn't have got the message of self-love and self-acceptance, to feel that on an embodied level especially in those situation when I'm judgmental and avoidant of myself and others.

In a recent cacao ceremony I found myself again. Finding myself being like a child neglected and avoided. There was a rediscovery of inquiry into how I feel: Meditation and contemplative journaling combined with emotional journaling are keeping me being honest and present with myself. Before that cacao ceremony I also was in a 6 week online course about authentic relating. A bit after that I also started getting coached regarding repressed desire and anger. Just speaking about things concerning me and exploring with the coach what is up with me to grasp the root of the repression. There was no solving attitude. There was just curiosity to express honestly and to explore.

Self-compassion and being with myself are now healing me. It feels good to wash myself from myself. It is healing to accept where I am on the journey and I could cry out of gratitude feeling my unconditional presence that I withheld from myself for so long. There's more all-embracing compassion for everything arising. There is acceptance for being not accepting of uncomfortability and inauthenticity provoking situations like feeling slight social anxiety. There’s now more feeling good in an imperfect body and during somewhat stressful life situations.

Edited July 6, 2021 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

Insight of the day

I avoid to integrate my feminine by avoiding to feel the goodness, inspiration and love in my heart. By distracting me from feeling myself I don't feel anymore and am disconnected from the pain of separation in me. By looking away and immersing myself in stories I don't feel sadness which always seems to be there behind the veil. It is imagines that it is existential because it is always there.

It is fear of being whole. Identity is attached to broken ways of being.

 

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Recognizing and seeing reality

 

During sex there was a flashback to the God trip. It was a clear energetic shift: a recognition that consciousness is manifesting in ape-like bodies called humans. A recognition what this form is with its limitations, that whatever would happen to the body, reality would continue as always. In the past few days there were increasingly frequent felt recognitions of this world being out of this world, being alien and that the consciousness projecting the world is alien and not human at all. Feels a bit insane.  "[The ego] says 'What are you doing loosing yourself?'" - Osho   And still, it is used to divert focus - distraction.

So many times now after the 2nd insanity trip on July 3rd there are these felt perspective shifts happening. During radical honesty training at the weekend there were so many situations of seeing humanity and feeling God perspective. Alien/cosmic consciousness in human body. God spinning this reality out, like a projector spinning out the forms onto a screen. The shifts happened after thoughts about the situations in the workshop.

 

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otherwise I wouldn't have got the message of self-love and self-acceptance, to feel that on an embodied level especially in those situation when I'm judgmental and avoidant of myself and others.

Avoidance didn't quite stop at that time and also didn't stop now. I keep forgetting the insights.

Now after the radical honesty workshop I feel more self-accepting & carefree. I love to behave a bit childish, playful, funny, like a kitten or child. I love it and I express that without resistance. I do what feels good in that moment. Doesn't matter if people see that as me being not a man. The lion comes when he comes at the right time. Till then the child can play. Still, there is discomfort in doing things that I don't see in my current identity and I feel that I get drawn to the things laying in the discomfort. Funny how counterintuitive it is: in being less resistant to be the kitten I realize that I get drawn to the lion. The kitten doesn't have to pretent to be a lion. It is just happening and it is all happens at the right time. Things are got by letting go of them and doing what's right in this moment.

There is the child coming out when I say no to all shoulds and should nots. There is total freedom in living life and in expressing myself. People can judge how they want, but I am here present for myself. The seed of God is the guidance system. Intuition. Goodness. Love for the creation/child.

Edited August 3, 2021 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

Gift of existence

 

I want to flow. I want to have the inspiring feeling of creating my life. There is so much beauty in the experience of life and the bittersweet creation of one's life path because it is ultimately finite. There is so much beauty and love in trying to create something and the inevitable end. But the end is a belief. And yet it feels so real. That you can experience this. Existence is a gift. A dance that dances only for itself. The love in that. To be able to feel something at all. It is a gift. There is so much love in it. In the suffering. In the striving. In expansion and contraction. How beautiful the world is. How kind the world can be that by contracting you feel that you are getting pulled towards expansion. I love you.

I love you. I love you so much. You are precious. You are everything I wanted. You are perfect. I love you my child.

I love you too. I cannot give you any present that would show my gratitude for existence. This self-love is too much for me to bear. I love you. I move on. You are unconditional, I know... Nevermind, I move on now.

 

 

How come that living life without psilocybin increasingly feels like a trip? Just today there was a clear shift in recognizing eternity and feeling that this body was never alive and is already dead.

Edited September 6, 2021 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

Avoiding myself - not feeling myself & reflecting on my past posts

 

Today's video is something that has been with me for a long time.

Coming now to some excerpts from Adyashanti's book The End Of Your World. I found that chapter five - Coming Completely Out of Hiding was the most relevant. Curiously, I listened to this chapter alot over the course of this year because it resonated so much with me. Even though I listened to it many times, I still played video games, did workshops, watched videos, series & movies of any kind to avoid myself. I did all that and there was a knowing that did it to not feel myself.

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Interestingly, the person can be rigid and have an agenda by focusing more on transcendence. Spiritual bypassing. Avoiding life. Seeking a shortcut.

 

And I chose to continue to avoid myself in that depressive state. I somewhat more noticeably started to move out of this state and it still continues on to today. The post "On depressive periods" was written in one of the lucid moments where I saw myself. After that I forgot and went back into being more unconscious. Of course growth isn't a straight line. Most of the time when I did shamanic breathing there was the realization that I don't feel myself. And I still went back to unconsciousness. I feel I even avoided shamanic breathing and any kind of spiritual practice and self-reflection because I didn't want to look at myself. All that continued after the "On depressive periods" post and I just became more aware of it. I like to imagine that there is sudden change in behavior.

There is a movement now towards being true to myself, feeling my goodness and to make it a meditation.

Well, well... here are the exerpts from The End Of Your World (or go to the reading sample):

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What would it be like if we didn’t avoid anything
we knew to be true? What if we came out of hiding in all
areas of our life? What if we completely stopped avoiding
ourselves, because that literally is the awakened life?

I have found over the years of working with people, even
people who have had very deep and profound awakenings,
that most people have a fear of being truthful, of really being
honest—not only with others, but with themselves as well.
Of course, the core of this fear is that most people know
intuitively that if they were actually totally truthful and
totally sincere and honest, they would no longer be able to
control anybody.
We can not control somebody with whom we have been
truthful. We can only control people if we tell half-truths, if
we shave down what is true. When we tell the total truth,
our inside is suddenly on the outside. There’s nothing hidden
anymore. For most human beings, being that exposed brings
up incredible fear. Most people walk around thinking, “My
god, if anybody could look inside of me, if anybody could
see what is happening in there, what my fears are, what my
doubts are, what my truths are, what I really perceive, they
would be horrified.”
Most people are protecting themselves. They are holding
a lot of things in. They are not living honest, truthful,
and sincere lives, because if they were to do so, they would
have no control. Of course, they don’t have control anyway,
but they would have no illusion of control, either.

[...] Telling the truth is an aspect of awakening. It may
not seem like it, because it’s very practical and very human.
It’s not transcendent. It’s not about pure consciousness, it’s
about how pure consciousness manifests as a human being
in an undivided way. We must be able to manifest what we
realize, and we must also come to grips with and start to
notice the very forces within us that keep us from manifesting
truthfulness in every situation.

Truth is a very high standard. Truth is not a plaything. To
tell what is true within ourselves is not to tell what we think;
it is not to tell our opinion. It is not to dump the garbage can
of our mind onto somebody else. All of that is illusion, distortion,
projection. Truth is not unloading our opinions onto
someone. That is not truth. Truth is not telling our beliefs
about things. That is not truth. Those are ways that we actually
hide from truth.
Truth is much more intimate than that. When we tell
the truth, it has the sense of a confession. I don’t mean a
confession of something bad or wrong, but I mean the sense
where we come completely out of hiding. Truth is a simple
thing. To speak the truth is to speak from a sense of total and
absolute unprotectedness.
To tell truth with any consistency, we not only have to
meet every place in ourselves that is afraid of telling truth,
we also have to see the belief structure we have that tells
us, “I can’t do that.” Those belief structures are by their
very nature based in unreality. To know this is not enough;
you have to actually see it, to really perceive exactly what
you believe. What are the exact belief structures that cause
you to go into duality, that cause you to go into conflict
and hiding? Only then can you tell truth in the way I’m
discussing here.

Coming completely out of hiding, being willing to
see every point of fixation, every way you go into division,
enables this part of the journey to continue. As this
happens, you feel your heart opening, your mind opening;
you feel yourself opening on levels that you never
dreamed possible. These levels are not just transcendent
of humanness, but also right within your humanness,
because there is no separation between your human being
and your divine being.

Transcendence as Avoidance
A lot of students who come to see me have the unconscious
idea that enlightenment means one should be able to feel
complete happiness, total bliss, and total freedom in any situation.
This is one of the unconscious beliefs that many people
have about awakening, and it’s another misperception.
It is true that, after awakening, the exterior situations
and circumstances of life stop having such an ability to throw
us off center. But it’s also true that, when we awaken, we
start to become more conscious of the patterns of behavior
in our lives that are not in harmony with what we have realized.
If you believe the misperception that enlightenment is
only about happiness, bliss, and freedom, you will be motivated
to transcend or escape those areas of your life that feel
less than fully functional. But sooner or later, as we become
more awake, we find that there is more and more pressure to
encounter and deal with those areas of our lives that we have
been avoiding, where we are less than fully conscious.
I have found that a lot of people become quite afraid
when they start to realize where this whole movement of
awakening is taking them, that it is taking them into an area
where they will be called to be unusually honest and real and
come completely out of hiding. This is contrary to the idea
of awakening being simply a transcendence of life, the finding
of a safe haven in some inner experience where we don’t
have to deal with life as it is. Awakening is, in fact, quite the
opposite: it’s a state of being in which we find the capacity
to deal with our lives as they actually are. But as I said,
many people are afraid of this part of the process, because
it demands that we come out of hiding on every level. A lot
of people are afraid to let truth penetrate certain relationships
they may be in—be they family or friendships or love
relationships or marriages. It can be much more comfortable
to hide from the truth, to hide from certain patterns of dysfunction
that may be present.

Ultimately, we find that enlightenment—if it’s true
and real—does not allow us to avoid anything. In fact, the
enlightened perspective actually makes it quite difficult, and
ultimately impossible, to turn away from any part of our life.
So, after awakening, many people begin to come to
grips with certain patterns in their lives that have been less
than conscious. Some people may even discover that certain
changes in their relationships and the pattern of their
lives are necessary. This can be a frightening part of the process,
because all of a sudden we are no longer hiding from
ourselves. We wonder, “Will my relationship survive this?
Will it work? Will my lover leave me? Will my friend still
want to be friends with me? Will my work environment,
my relationship with my boss—or whatever—actually still
work, or will it change in unexpected ways?”
And of course, most human beings are afraid of change.
We may want change, but change always has a quality of
unknowingness; you never know how something is going
to turn out. But this is an important part of becoming fully
awake; we have to come fully out of hiding. We have to confront
our life as it is. Is this relationship satisfying; is it based on
truth? I don’t mean is the relationship perfect or ideal. That’s
not relevant. What is relevant is whether it’s a relationship
based on honesty and truthfulness and wholeness, or not.
What is it that we are relating to in each other, exactly?
Where are we relating from? Are we relating from that place
where we see that the other is our own self, actually the
same nature as our own self? And are we acting that way
and moving that way? Are we willing to face the fears that
come up? As I said, most people are afraid of change. We fear
that if we come out of hiding—if we come out of denial—we
might lose a lover, a friend, a mate. The truth is, we might.
We never know.
I constantly tell people that enlightenment is no guarantee
that your life is going to go the way you planned. Life will
be much better than it was, but that doesn’t mean it’s going
to go the way you want it to. In the end, it’s about truth; it is
about being truthful in all aspects, at all levels of our being.
Enlightenment is not simply an escape; it’s not simply
a transcendence. It is that state of being from which we
can encounter our lives and our relationships as they are.
Life itself is nothing but relationship. In the ultimate view
of things, it’s the relationship of the One with the One, of
Spirit with Spirit. Then there is the appearance of this relationship—
the dance of relationship, the dance of life. And
in this dance, it is absolutely essential that we not hide from
anything.
If you do try to hide from something—if you are in a
relationship that is dysfunctional or a job that is tremendously
unsatisfying, and you choose not to deal with it—the
consequence of that denial is that you will not truly be liberated.
You won’t ever be capable of being fully free, because
any area where we choose to remain unconscious will ultimately
have an impact upon us, as well as upon others.
The call to come out of denial is not something that is
imposed upon life. [...] Awakened consciousness moves in particular ways. It does not
deny anything. It does not hide; it is not avoiding any part of
life. That which we are, that which is fully awake, is also ultimately
fully engaged and fearless. It moves the way it moves,
out of unconditional love and truthfulness. It is only the fear
in the mind—the fear that constructs the illusion of ego—
that causes one to recoil from this phase of the spiritual life.
[...] If you avoid those aspects of
your life that are not in harmony, those aspects of your life
where you may still be in denial, that kind of avoidance is
going to hinder your spiritual awakening. In the early stages,
it may not have much of an effect. But later, as we get into
the more mature opening of realization, there is no more
room for denial. This is something that a lot of people don’t
count on. A lot of us think that somehow enlightenment is
going to allow us to avoid dealing with those things in ourselves
that we find uncomfortable.
Awakening can be the ground from which we meet
every person and situation. It can be the ground from which
we relate to all the circumstances of life. But this takes a lot
of courage and a lot of fearlessness. It also takes something I
continue to emphasize: a very simple sincerity. This kind of
sincerity arises from that which loves the truth and sees that
the truth is the greatest good.
To be anything less than real, to be in avoidance of anything
at all, diminishes our experience of who we are. As I
often say to my students, to be less than truthful with the
people and situations in your life is to withhold the expression
of who you are. In the end, we must come to see that
truth itself is the highest good, that truth itself is the greatest
expression and manifestation of love. Ultimately, love
and truth are identical; they are like two sides of a coin.
You can’t have truth without love, and you can’t have love
without truth.
Awakening calls forth a transformation in both our
interior and exterior lives. Again, please don’t think this
transformation is about having the perfect life or the perfect
job or the perfect mate or the perfect marriage or the
perfect friendship. This is not about perfection; it is about
wholeness. It is not about having things exactly as we want
them, but about having things exactly as they are. When
we allow things to be, a sense of harmony develops; the gap
between our realization and who we are as a human being
gets smaller and smaller. A seamless continuum begins to
emerge between realization and expression, awakening and
its actualization.

 

Reflecting on my past posts

https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/55767-introspection-exploring-the-feeling-dimension/

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Time stands still. Stillness settles. Beingness emerges. We don't look into each others eyes but we feel this connection, this being beyond emotion. The container of emotion seems empty when faced with this moment. Emotion cannot contain this tranquil connectedness and yet, it just feels like love being the space of our being. Being this intimate being feels just authentic and pure. This tranquil love pervades this being space. It is beyond embodiment, it is being this, living as this, flowing as this being.

What I described here is exactly what I fall into when cuddling with someone or being in a cuddle puddle. There are also energetic releases when I am in that trance like state.

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The boy is just pure innocent joy. Wanting to enjoy the presence that I radiate. Wanting to be felt as he is in his being. Just wanting to rest, to be held, embraced fully. Wanting to be held in the gentlest hand, wanting to rest in the most tender blanket of awareness.

I described my inner child here. I hold myself like a parent its child when I feel myself.

https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/55767-introspection-exploring-the-feeling-dimension/?do=findComment&comment=956636

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I avoid to integrate my feminine by avoiding to feel the goodness, inspiration and love in my heart. By distracting me from feeling myself I don't feel anymore and am disconnected from the pain of separation in me. By looking away and immersing myself in stories I don't feel sadness which always seems to be there behind the veil. It is imagined that it is existential because it is always there.

It is fear of being whole. Identity is attached to broken ways of being.

This is nicely fitting to feeling and holding myself.

It is the homeostatic ways of behavior which can be frustrating when I feel they don't resonate and they keep appearing. Make feeling and holding yourself a meditation - always come back when attention wanders off.

 

https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/55767-introspection-exploring-the-feeling-dimension/#comment-777500

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as long as the water is rigid in its being it will be hindered by every stone in the riverbed; if the water is fluid and stones are seen through, there is water just flowing.

Rather than being a person that protects itself with an armor of distance, arrogance & avoidance or a person that protects itself with wearing vulnerability as an armor, be no person and just let life force flow through you. Don't be the person called no person. Just be, let go of any person you think you should be and allow life to flow through your already transparent being. There will be tendencies to stay a certain way. And you will fail repeatedly because ice wants to not be fluid.

But perhaps it's better at first to wear less that normal and then to move to wearing nothing and being vulnerable. Then it's letting go of being someone who wears nothing and is vulnerable. Being transparent and flow.

https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/55767-introspection-exploring-the-feeling-dimension/?page=2#comment-905286

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Today I recognitized that me claiming to be a person that wants to experience life to the fullest makes me suffer. Every time I judge myself not to experience life I make a shadow out of me. Presence is experiencing life. Even when not present, there is an observer always observing. However, there is a resonance in expanding oneself & in realizing one's angelic radiant love.

A while back during shamanic breathing there was a vision coming to me. There was a love-sun and I wanted to be that sun. Just being on fire & radiating love.

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Can't you allow life in any way

 

https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/55767-introspection-exploring-the-feeling-dimension/#comment-828873

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Feeling > Knowing

I asked one facilitator at a tantric event for how long he now knows a participant who supports the facilitator team. The context was that I was confronted with my repressed desire, the desire for her. I assumed the two knew each other before because he behaved like she was a friend of his.

"How long do you know her?"

"I don't know her, but I feel her."

He saw me. He saw how I was in my head. This realization is now more embodied and I still continue my journey in tantra workshops and retreats to chase this. I want to be in my body and flowing. Ritual cacao brings me there and it's nice to remind myself again & again what it is that I want to be, and I don't want to be reliant on it.

https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/55767-introspection-exploring-the-feeling-dimension/?do=findComment&comment=874782

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By believing to be rejected, by believing that life closes itself off from you, you reject yourself and close yourself off from life.

Since early November at a community retreat, this is now more fluid as I can now express certain aspects of my wants without needing an outcome. It's scary that expression is already the point and anything after that is cream on top. In other aspects of my wants I still feel like attaching to them personally or I feel to uncomfortable.

 

Reading this manual is not going to work when one is in a depression or victim state. It requires a certain level of consciousness to use this.

 

 

Give yourself up again & again till you are left in your brilliance and all embracing love.

 

https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/55767-introspection-exploring-the-feeling-dimension/#comment-854322

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Freedom & letting go = death & melting snow

To hate someone is to hold on to them. It is binding and imprisoning oneself. If one hates themselves... By letting go of oneself, one doesn't hate themselves anymore. It is effortful to hold on to be this person. It is effortless to let go.

You recognize yourself through suffering. It is a pointer.

The compass to source is in the heart. A trojan horse. A divine gift.

When do you let go to be this person?

There is no letting go to be a person. Suffering points to being a person.

I'm so sneaky. It is a tricky thing. The identity wants to catch and repurpose letting go to be a person. It's so easy to believe to be a person who's no person. Thinking to be separate from a supposed identity is already a sneaky way.

 

https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/55767-introspection-exploring-the-feeling-dimension/?do=findComment&comment=856129

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She died and the sun fills the screen.

Her dad dies and the sun fills the screen.

Love hides behind what I fear. The highest love is behind my greatest fear.

I remember getting lucid in a dream because a man chased me. I turned around and he ran through me. I got into a ghostlike state and felt this kind of love which a creator has for his creation.

Edited December 26, 2021 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

On depression and suicidal thoughts, and the tools to process them which lead to empowerment

 

In summer I already wrote in On depressive periods and current state how depression is the loop of believing thoughts & emotional states to be true and thus going deeper in self-referential thoughts which again result in a more depressive emotional reaction. Thoughts are usually about oneself not being good, authentic, productive, loving, full with energy and life, inspired, intelligent, in control, at ease, helping society, self-caring, a good friend, lover, mate, coworker, boss, child or parent and so on. Depressive thoughts hurt, and when they are believed they hurt more by causing more depressive states and behaviors. It is being in victim state to one’s thoughts and emotions because “they are happening to me”. Distraction in that state is a pain killer which makes the pain stronger after the distraction is turned off. Also, distraction can be used for getting a dopamine spike, so that’s also a way breaking the loop can be more difficult. It’s because distraction can become a toxic habit.

Suicidal thoughts arise from feeling without life, inspiration, meaning and spiritual connectedness & richness. They could bring it on an existential level with shadow work on death (which is a great tool for expansion), but suicidal thoughts are coming from an avoidance of life. Ironic how it’s avoiding life which expresses itself in the energy of feeling without life. Suicidal thoughts are a clear pointer that this feeling state doesn’t resonate. Powerlessness and victim state don’t allow that recognition because one is too deep in the story to recognize one plays the character in the script. Victim state is being identified with the story.
The core of not feeling good is authentic. All falsehood around that (beliefs, identity, thoughts) is constructed and derives its legitimacy from this knowing of not feeling good. And again, this knowing is twisted in the story so that any touching of the core makes one believe the story because one assumes them to be true.

From New Year’s till end of February I was in a more depressive state. It was during that time that I got to therapy (depression wasn’t the initiator to go there, it was being instable from seeing everything as unreal). Of course, getting a prescription and taking antidepressants can make one feel better to make transformation happen. I didn’t want to take them because I knew the real transformation lies in behavior change, emotional mastery and having a social network of communal support. Right now I am feeling good and in my power. Interestingly, when I wrote about depressive periods in the summer I thought to be done. I see right now how I am still not done although I like to believe there is a clear line between depression and no depression. I see how it is a process. I recognize what I can do to increase my consciousness and awareness of emotions and thoughts: It’s deepening my sense of presence which is the ground for life to bloom. A closer connection to source renders reality more clearly and informs me with a richer and more tangible sense of power to create reality.
There is something I read from Bruce Lyon yesterday: He says power is not external but the divine source within. And love is the willingness to reach for that power and to express it. When depression veils source and covers up love, it is then hardly possible to live from it. The fog of depression lets memory sail away even when there was a strong connection to power in the past.

Meditation increases presence. Meditation is returning to the breath or point of concentration no matter what thoughts come up and what emotions develop as reactions to these thoughts. Thoughts like not being able to meditate or being bad at it cause frustration, anger, rage, sadness, powerlessness, envy, jealousy and so on.
When emotions are felt & let go and when thoughts are recognized as such & dispelled there comes clarity. It then becomes laughable that thoughts are ever believed to be true. The knowing of presence empowers one to choose what already resonates and is true. This includes seeing through beliefs about identity i.e., what one believes to be.

Memory goes away in depression. It might feel like becoming dumb because simple things like having written something or taking pills just aren’t clear. Things from yesterday feel like a distant dream and thus it feels like living the same day because there is no clear and tangible past. Journaling helps in healing the thinking ability. I already wrote it in the summer that contemplative journaling combined with emotional journaling help. And I forgot it because I didn’t read it because of feeling powerless and thus the mind being full with fog or because of being distracted.
Journaling is self-therapy. Reflection heals the mind because it is used for anything else than being concerned with self-referential stories and emotions. Lack of energy is there when one is caught up in the depression loop. Looking at the loop with journaling helps getting a healthy distance whereas before one couldn’t see the forest for the trees. A healthy distance is a balance of yin and yang. The loop is felt and yet the distance doesn’t let one be drained of energy.

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Self-compassion and being with myself are now healing me. It feels good to wash myself from myself. It is healing to accept where I am on the journey and I could cry out of gratitude feeling my unconditional presence that I withheld from myself for so long. There's more all-embracing compassion for everything arising. There is acceptance for being not accepting of uncomfortability and inauthenticity provoking situations like feeling slight social anxiety. There’s now more feeling good in an imperfect body and during somewhat stressful life situations.

How could I slip back? Well, it’s about not meditating and journaling. With them there is awareness, understanding and compassion for one’s habits. It looks like this for me: When distraction is a habit and there is no healthy distance to recognize oneself, it then is automatic to get frustrated about the fact that distraction doesn’t make the pain away. It is felt that one still hurts. A thought about distraction being of no use is believed. Frustration arises. Frustration is avoided by going into distraction. Pent up frustration leads to anger and hate and so on. There is a general shrinking of feeling capability because the so called negative emotions are avoided to be felt. The smaller capability leads to being less connected to oneself and this is then continued in the loop.

And yet, I also see that this is a beautiful story.

Edited March 3, 2022 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

Wake-up call - pointer to source

 

I watched Stranger Than Fiction for my coaching session. The ending scene hit hard.

"As Harold took a bite of the Bavarian sugar cookie, he finally felt as if everything was going to be okay.

Sometimes when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies. Unfortunately, when there aren’t any cookies we can find reassurance in a familiar hand on our skin, or a kind and loving gesture, or a subtle encouragement, or a loving embrace, or an offer of comfort. Not to mention hospital gurneys, and nose plugs, and uneaten Danish, and soft-spoken secrets, and Fender Stratocasters, and maybe the occasional piece of fiction.

And we must remember that all these things – the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties – which we assume only accessorize our days are in fact here for a much larger and nobler cause. They are here to save our lives. I know the idea seems strange. But I also know that it so happens to be true."

I feel a resonance in that. When you lose yourself in fear & contraction, you can thank God for feeling good. When you don’t feel good you can find reassurance in people, acts and things in the world that make you feel loved.

[Loving Radiance]

Today's synchronicity

 

In the chapter Resistance To Grave of The Road Less Traveled, the author writes:

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Some who have been called to grace may wrestle for years with their fearfulness before they are able to transcend it so as to accept their own godliness.

I felt that. For at least 2 years I felt Grace calling and resisted it. For the past month I'm recognizing that I got to prepare my stuff to move in the direction of the calling. Which leads me to death. Cause I go towards fear and die in the process. Again and again, like a death meditation. Die again. Come back to death and trust that God catches you. Only You remain after death. And after death, die again. The identity has to die in every moment. Any fear of reality is dispelled and a new identity uncovered. I resist my heart's desire cause I will die. I resist death. And I want to be free, liberated. Which will be my demise and highest joy.

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I read the trip questions. So much egoic stuff of clinging to identity, being afraid of dying. Beforehand I wrote some answers under the questions and they all were right. What felt to be said is that this knowing of You is requisite for living life. When you face any limitations that are connected with being an identity you feel back into your eternal nature. You know you are non-existent. So just create what you want because God is you and you create through God's will.

Just let go my child. Rest now. And flow.

[Opulence]

On 12/26/2021 at 5:38 PM, Loving Radiance said:

I remember getting lucid in a dream because a man chased me. I turned around and he ran through me. I got into a ghostlike state and felt this kind of love which a creator has for his creation.

Interesting. I've been looking into lucid dreaming recently.