Severe derealization after LSD

[afy355]

I've been suffering from derealization for almost 4 years now and it all started after a bad trip on LSD. My therapist says I should meditate, yet I sometimes doubt her. She helped me a lot with my life but there's this feeling of not being here that is always present and I can't really experience the world around me as well as myself. I am considering an LSD trip to help me out in some way. I am not sure though. I nearly broke my skull on the last trip and almost bled to death, so I am worried something similar could happen now. Or not. I don't know. It's just... I think experiencing your existence could be something that has potential to fulfill my world. Though I think once I'd have it, I'd seek something else. Which could be alright in some way. What do you think? I considered taking MDMA first, just to see how drugs affect me after 4 years of being clean.

Edited October 19, 2020 by afy355

[silene]

@afy355 Greetings and welcome to the forum   Sorry to hear you've been going through this, 4 years is a long time.  I'm no kind of expert at this, but if the LSD caused this problem then I'd recommend avoiding any non-prescribed drugs and trying natural methods as your therapist suggests like meditation, yoga, etc. Out of interest do you do any competitive games or sports?  Just a thought that competing could emphasise your sense of self, while being outside in the world - as well as getting some exercise too. 

[Elisabeth]

@afy355 I don't know about derealization, but holotropic breathwork is sometimes used to integrate bad trips. The naturally reached altered state of consciousness helps to work with material that has previously come up in an altered state of consciousness. It's safer than tripping because if you want to come down you just need to stop breathing & there are people around who can help you out. If there's an experienced facilitator in your area, you should definitely talk to them and consider this method. 

Edited October 20, 2020 by Elisabeth

[Average Investor]

You might experience it more after a trip for a awhile. Other drugs and stimulants seem to make it worse for derealization in my experience. I would highly recommend quitting stuff like caffeine or smoking weed. I would recommend you work on grounding yourself more with things like mediation. It will really help take the edge off it.

Working on building healthy habits will make a world of a difference with your daily being as well. Lsd might be able to help, but it sounds like it contributed to the issue in the first place. Of course if you might put yourself in some sort of danger of injuring yourself again I would not bother. Take some time to really study the substance before you make a choice. 

Edited October 20, 2020 by Average Investor

[Nahm]

Some editing & a different perspective just for your consideration...maybe useful, maybe not...

22 hours ago, afy355 said:

I've been suffering from derealization for almost 4 years now and it all started after a bad trip on LSD. I am considering an LSD trip to help me out in some way. I am not sure though. I nearly broke my skull on the last trip and almost bled to death, so I am worried something similar could happen now. Or not. I don't know. 

This category of your life is not currently resonating. What are some other things you like doing, some other categories you easily love? Something expressive, like any kind of art...or creating of any sort perhaps?

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My therapist says I should meditate, yet I sometimes doubt her. She helped me a lot with my life but there's this feeling of not being here that is always present and I can't really experience the world around me as well as myself. 

My intention is not to make you feel bad, but for you to have unbelievably awesome future trips.

I would give some consideration to the doubt expressed there. Technically, you aren’t doubting her, you’re doubting meditation. To assess what meditation is, by confusing it with what someone says it is, would be a most grave path error (imo).

You said she helped you a lot but there is a feeling of ‘not being here’. Could it be that not feeling, is contributing to the “feeling not being there”? Similar to the sneaky nature of a belief being that the holder of it thinks it’s true, and therefore can not readily recognize their belief...one can grow so accustomed to suppressing feeling with labels and beliefs in ideas of ‘myself’ that one does not readily know one is doing so. 

Again, I have your trips & your aim of well being & happiness in mind. If there are some feelings to release, a case could be made that it is easier to do so sober than while tripping. I’d suggest meditation, feeling, and expressing how you feel in activities that you enjoy. I think this would clear some emotion out and make for really beautiful tripping. Down the road, psych’s can help clear out some deeper more nuanced stuff, but there is something to be said for ‘slow & steady wins the race’, as the trips proceed enjoyable, fascinatingly, chalked full of healing & insight - without a rush, expectations, or any objectives. 

Meditation in a sense is the not-doing something other than relaxing and thus inherently - feeling. There may be some hesitance to feel, and a heavy perspective which is labelling that as feeling. It is highly likely some dynamics of past & family arise via feeling, and understanding & forgiveness as well. 

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I think experiencing your existence could be something that has potential to fulfill my world. Though I think once I'd have it, I'd seek something else.

Yes. Very wise. That something else might be feeling, because this is already existence, and it is not “yours”, but is you. Notice in the simplest sense, you are existing already, and thus your existence could never be ‘found’. I get what you meant...and hope you get what I mean as well. 

[afy355]

First of all, thank you all for the answers. I already do many things (designing a board game, video game, movie, I draw a lot, I make music, study architecture etc.), yet I have not found what I am looking for. And this might be to exist. Just you and the brush, you and your mind. Maybe it is already inside of me, I agree. And it truly is, probably. But I seek answers and LSD might just not be the path. I think it would be smart to stay off drugs until I actually find answers to why am I feeling the way I do (through meditation, somatic experiencing etc.). My therapist says it is connected to childhood abuse (not physical, just when parents can't raise you as a person and your personality gets shut). Sometimes this feeling of disconnection from the world is really really strong and I doubt something so simple as meditation could work. Anyway, when I walk I try to feel my feet, when I paint I try to feel my hand holding the brush, in general I try to be alive. And this could be in some means the right way.

Nahm, I think you are close to the core of my problems. Not feeling might actually be contributing (a lot) to the feeling of 'not being here'. I do feel this numbness inside of me. Though I think I have many feelings stuck inside of me, but they are not ready to be unveiled yet.

Average investor I agree. I do seek a more unified experience, not some higher truth or something like that. I just miss some things in my life. Feelings, I mean (and awareness).

Elisabeth thank you for your advice. I will consider it.

Dflores321 I'll stay off for now. I think I really have to ground myself before doing LSD again, if I will ever do it again. 

Silene I play football and basketball and it feels nice. I somehow enjoy it. My mind gets a break.

[Nahm]

@afy355

Sounds like you have a good view introspectively, and it’s growing by the minute. I did want to mention, psych’s can go either way. Sometimes they ‘show you’ exactly what the root or core is. I may have been overly cautious. Also may have helped ‘center the pendulum’ so to speak. Only you can know, and I wish ya infinite clarity unfolding.

I know what helped me release a ton of childhood baggage was writing songs. Not even songs anyone really will hear, just the process of it. I’d basically write one or two with someone & our relationship in mind. Utilize the many talents and outlets you mentioned of course, just wanted to mention that because there something to vibrationally connecting between source & music. Might just be me. 

1 hour ago, afy355 said:

I doubt something so simple as meditation could work.

Now I’m just beating a dead horse, and sorry...this is why the focus is always on direct experience. Can’t know what something tastes like without eating it. Give it a taste. 5 minutes each morning, increase as you go. There are really no words for how profoundly life changing meditation can be. Totally understandable that prior to the direct experience of a few weeks and months, it would seem like it couldn’t possibly have significant effect because you’re just ‘sitting there doing nothing’. But in a way, No Thing is what’s needed when ‘things’ are a bit ‘numb’. Worth noticing imo, all feeling arises within you. It doesn’t come from anywhere else. Some of the greatest artists, song writers, movie producers, novelists, etc, swear by daily morning meditation. 

2 hours ago, afy355 said:

And this could be in some means the right way.

Now it seems like I’m selling meditation lol, but it’s even beyond right ways and wrong ways. Imagine a different world where people have cold, sore feet, because shoes haven’t been invented yet, and you invent them. In hindsight, it would seem incredibly obvious. Meditation is like that. It is what is present, but always remains unseen & unheard. Once ‘tapped into’, it is very difficult to imagine how it was ever missed. God bless  and be sure to notice, this is already you ‘doing the work’. This is already ‘having a look at it’, this post. ??

[The0Self]

Hesitant to respond because there's no way to tell whether or not it'll help. Is there a major fear component to the derealization? Derealization/depersonalization is what happens when you become aware of the unreal/empty nature of experience. This aspect is usually filtered out, and it's indescribable when it's not filtered out. It's what happens when you identify with experience rather than the unreal assumed-knower, but that still leaves unseen the fact that the knower is still not real, you just seem to identify with the unreal experience, which can often be terrifying. Meditation might help. Meditation seems to help just about anything.

[UDT]

@afy355 brain damage? 

Mdma will help you, but take it with people you like and dance 

[kag101]

You should go to a psychiatrist. No meditation, no breathing techniques, no psychedelics. 

[AnTe]

@afy355 dm me, maybe I can help. I have experience with psychedelics and am curious as to what you experienced and what your current awareness level is. 

[Bessie]

Hi. I always feared this would happen to me. Here’s my advice: microdose, have a few great experiences and try to wash away the old with the new. Use volumetric dosing and do like 15 mics or something. 
i know I feel like I’m missing out not doing full trips but I am scared, I have to admit, I am 47 and a full trip scares me mostly if there is like a family emergency and I cannot help or if I accidentally injure my stepson or something I do a lot of spur of the moment childcare. Microdose is beautiful and I have done it so many times and never even come close to losing myself, I just GET STUFF DONE AND FEEL GREAT. I am super spiritually aware with the micros and man just do it don’t listen to these [can’t say the word I’m new here and it’s sexist]

[arlin]

@afy355 You see, make sure to have a really intimate relationship with somebody where you can actually say what you feel without being judged, but being welcomed.

Idealy that person should mirror what you feel back to you and stay present.

Not feeling your body is a major sign of trauma.

Interpersonal trauma is healed through relationships.