I feel I am near enlightenment, but I cannot break through. Why?

[Vittorio]

7 minutes ago, hyruga said:

Why care so much about enlightenment? You are still going to die physically very soon in this dash of life.

Please don't derail the topic. You can express your nichilist attitude in your own topic.

[Vittorio]

So, I am here with new findings

Here they are.

1) There is so much pain and unconsciousness in all of us that's really staggering (I cried)

Quote

"Lord forgive them for they know not what they do"

Jesus

This is a phrase I understood today briefly after coming to work.

Let me explain how and what exactly it happened.

I broke up with my gf one month ago (we had a 4 year-long relationship) and we still live together (more or less pacifically).

She has to move on and thus find another apartment.

The reasons why because we broke up were mainly for the amount of suffering I was (and she was) living in this relationship caused by huge incompatibility (totally different ways of living, atittudes, self esteem, awareness, passions etc.).

She has a really low level of awareness and is incredibly stuck in damaging autopilot behaviors.

She displays egotistical behavior: our relationship is something she uses to fullfill her needs without giving much in return and without even wanting to improve herself and work on her shadows and bad behaviors (even if I helped her tremendously by making her aware of the mechanics behind).

She just shrugged of and kept living her life, as if nothing happened.

I felt myself caged, depressed, used for her personal gain, not loved (or rather intermittent loved), not listened and not understood emotionally, physically and as a person for years.

I have of course my piece of responsibility in the situation too, but in light of the relatively low seriousness and frequence of my errors, of the fact I did A LOT for her (much more she deserved) in any possible ways and of the fact, that I worked hard to "clean up" myself and to understand the mechanics and the behavior, I don't feel myself as much in pain.

On the contrary, I know, I did my best given the awareness I had.

I made 3 trips to help me breaking up with her.

After the first 2 trips I came back to her almost in autopilot behaviors.

After the 3rd trip (a really brutal one), I decided to end the relationship.

It was really painful to me to break up with her (and I am still not totally at ease with that even right now. I still have some feelings for her), but I was happy I did it.

Given the current situation there was no (and still isn't) other way than breaking up.

So let's come back to the topic.

After coming to the office, I thought about her and how much in pain she was due to her really low level awareness, her autopilot and her degree of self-esteem that she doesn't actually have any way out of suffering.

I started crying.

I noticed all the suffering and the pain there is in the world and what causes us to do.

Wearing masks, being unauthentic, feeling ourselves unworthy, being mad at others, backstabbing others, killing others, stealing other people's possessions, insulting others, crying, feeling ourselves depressed, racism, feeling fearful and much more.

I felt pain for the suffering I created in myself and other people and that I will still create (unconsciously).

And I was sorry there was so much pain and suffering.

We are bad to each other due to that amount of pain and suffering we carry in ourselves, to our low awareness of this fact, due our low emotional-mastery and to our high level of self-deception.

There is no other way it can go given this amount of pain and low consciousness.

That's why Jesus said that phrase:

Quote

"Lord forgive them for they know not what they do"

Jesus

I accepted all that by showering myself with Love and accepted I was and still am not perfect and will somehow create pain in myself and others.

I accepted that I am not strong enough and that I search comfort in other people or things and not in myself.

I showed empathy and compassion for myself and for the world, as I was sweeping my tears off my face.

It was a really touching moment to me.

But this was a conscious cry and not an unconscious one.

I understood this is good for purification and I am fine with that (as Eckhart Tolle states).

Crying due to auto-bashing behaviors or such is just giving power away to your ego.

I am posting the rest later.

Edited October 21, 2020 by Vittorio

[erik8lrl]

@Vittorio Yes! Healing is also an important step that you must complete. 

[abrakamowse]

Thanks for sharing @Vittorio 

??????

[Vittorio]

So, here I am with the rest of the insights and considerations!

 

2) I had another lucid dream (this one was horrific and made me scared af)

I mean, how rare is it to have a lucid dream without techniques or such?

Well, this is now the 3rd lucid dream in 3 nights (damn epic streak).

And this was totally horrific, both for the dream content and for the insights (I remain skeptic).

This was something Dark style (if you ever watched it on Netflix, you’ll know, what I mean).

Let me tell you what I dreamed of.

There were @billiesimon and I who made some tests in the dreams.

Sometimes I was me and sometimes I was him.

We would go back in particular moments where something specific happened, while being conscious that specific actions would cause that specific outcome.

I/We tried then to do something else on purpose so that those outcomes would never happen.

Well, it didn’t work out.

Sooner or later the same outcomes happened again.

The dream ended with @billiesimon cutting me to pieces (I felt the pain of being cut) to prove that I couldn’t escape what’s already written (in the original situation I was cut to pieces; rewinding it back, trying to escape and doing something else, brought the same result).

I woke up with my hearth thumping in my chest and had to calm down for 10-15 minutes straight, before going back to sleep.

What it practically means is (if it’s true) that life is already written, and we are just “re-living” that.

This means we don’t have any control on our life, and everything is going exactly as expected.

E.g. this would completely explain dejavus, which are moments when we feel we have already lived that.

This is somehow disturbing, because this could mean we are already dead, and we are just apparently alive to live forever and ever the same things.

On the other side, this means we are now allowed to detach ourselves from outcome, because it doesn’t matter what you do: it’s all already written.

This also means that reality is a dream too.

I remember Leo's video about it and by having so many lucid dreams in the last days, I am really starting to find truth in his words. 

I have already had glimpse of lucid dreams and other lucid dreams in my past which felt more real than reality itself. Some of them were damn magnificent.

3) My dissociation is becoming detachment

I followed your suggestions and I am trying to listen more to myself and to my body. 

I notice I feel generally calm and mild lightness and joy. 

I am becoming more sponteneous and lighthearted.

I laugh a lot, weree before I was a bit like the James Bond typ ála "k dude" or "cool story bro" and I could not really find humorism in some things. 

With these awakenings and insights I am getting, I am becoming slowly engaged in life itself. 

4) My state is fluctuating and not stable

Even if it seems that my detachment state is permanent, this state it's still fluctuating. 

I don't feel the same state all day long and there are particular moments, when I still feel some kind of pain-body. 

Still I notice an incredible rise in awareness, presence and non-reactivity, especially in situations where I usually would be triggered. 

5) I feel reborn 

I feel like I was born again or that something was washed off my eyes. 

I feel I can now experiment with life and with myself and start living.

I feel like as if you were visiting a new city for the first time. 

You look around, you observe details, you feel the energy of the place with enthusiasm. You are not in your mind, but enjoying visiting this new city. 

All my perceptions are augmented. 

All smells are richer. I can distinguish more flavors and enjoy their complexity. 

After raining, I can smell the smell of wet grass, moist soil, humidity in the air and other smells carried out from the wind. 

All sounds are fuller, all colors are more vibrant and colorful. 

There is more clarity and complexity in my perceptions. 

Everything feel different, but right, as if before it was the "false" way of perceiving.

6) Every day I discover something new

I still haven't experienced the core of true awakening: Discovering who I really am, nothingness and that's all an illusion (perception). 

I am still not at that point, but I saw some signs here and there (e. g. nature who smiled at me, lucid dreams, some insights I had etc.) that make me think this is a big prelude to that giant insight. 

I am building up momentum and insights.

I tried following your suggestions, but it still doesn't click in my direct experience. 

7) There are feelings I don’t really know in my life

I noticed there are feelings I felt not so much (or at all) in my life and I am looking for pratical ways to incorporate them in my life. 

Here is a list in no particular order:

 

• Union
• Unconditional Love
• 100% Integrity and Authenticity
• Freedom
• Bliss
• Forgiveness
• Radiance
• Passion
• Abundance
• Victor
• Joy
• Patience
• Humilty
• Gratitude
• Happiness
• Worthy
• Acceptance
• Playfullness
• Spontaneousness
• Serenity

I am looking at what make me passionate.

Spirituality, Self-Help and helpiing people make me really passionale and I want my Vision and my LP to encompass this.

8) I am trying to go with the flow and stop forcing awakenings

I stopped overtechnicizing life, meditation and spirituality. 

I stopped relentless self-inquiry at once. 

Instead of meditating I am just "Being". 

I am trying to be patient, curious and spontaneous and don't go for the quick wins, but to relax and enjoy the process with trust that it will work. 

During work I am taking breaks to enjoy the present moment and I am focusing myself on one thing at once. 

When I eat, I eat. 

When I shit, I shit. 

When I be, I be. 

Today I trained in gym without music. Just trained. 

I want to experience things as they are. 

9) I am showing gratitude for this gift

Everything changed since I received this thing I cannot describe. 

It came at the right moment and I show actively gratitude for it. 

10) Love is what we need

I told myself these words under the tree and during another trip.

Love is really what we need.

Self-Love at first.

 

Hope you liked it! 

Edited October 21, 2020 by Vittorio

[The0Self]

No need for enlightenment = enlightenment. Nobody knows they’re enlightened — there’s neither doubt nor certainty. Continue to allow to happen whatever practices seem to work. What you described sounded like a stage — the witness — wherein you’re very transcended and it’s fun, but it’s still quite dualistic. All knowing is dualistic, including knowing where (and that) you are.

[Vittorio]

44 minutes ago, The0Self said:

No need for enlightenment = enlightenment. Nobody knows they’re enlightened — there’s neither doubt nor certainty. Continue to allow to happen whatever practices seem to work. What you described sounded like a stage — the witness — wherein you’re very transcended and it’s fun, but it’s still quite dualistic. All knowing is dualistic, including knowing where (and that) you are.

No man, sorry, I won't buy the usual "you're already enlightened  but you don't know it" shit.

If you are talking about your True Self, then yes, he is enlightened, but your Ego is still not enlightened.

Or do you want to sell me the idea that Hitler was enlightened and it just happened that he did not know it and murdered millions of people?

Beside that I don't want to put a label on my actual situation.

What I can tell you for sure is that what's happening to me is not so "normal".

Edited October 21, 2020 by Vittorio

[Vittorio]

6 hours ago, abrakamowse said:

Thanks for sharing @Vittorio 

??????

[The0Self]

8 minutes ago, Vittorio said:

No man, sorry, I won't buy the usual "you're already enlightened  but you don't know it" shit.

If you are talking about your True Self, then yes, he is enlightened, but your Ego is still not enlightened.

Or do you want to sell me the idea that Hitler was enlightened and it just happened that he did not know it and murdered millions of people?

Beside that I don't want to put a label on my actual situation.

What I can tell you for sure is that what's happening to me is not so "normal".

What you're referring to is personal enlightenment, as well as deepening of consciousness -- fueled by skillful detachment from experience. Fantastic stuff can be realized. The most liberating thread is probably the path of realizing the emptiness (unfathomable-ness/unknowable-ness) of things, all the way. The ego can only thrive in those conditions though -- that's not a problem and there's no need to expect it to dissolve. If you're expecting an event to take place, you are dualism. There is no event. It will never happen because it already is. When it seems to happen, what will invariably be recognized is that it didn't happen. It isn't that you're already enlightened, you just are what you seek, because there is only freedom, and no you.

[Vittorio]

5 minutes ago, The0Self said:

What you're referring to is personal enlightenment, as well as deepening of consciousness -- fueled by skillful detachment from experience. Fantastic stuff can be realized. The most liberating thread is probably the path of realizing the emptiness (unfathomable-ness/unknowable-ness) of things, all the way. The ego can only thrive in those conditions though -- that's not a problem and there's no need to expect it to dissolve. If you're expecting an event to take place, you are dualism. There is no event. It will never happen because it already is. When it seems to happen, what will invariably be recognized is that it didn't happen. It isn't that you're already enlightened, you just are what you seek, because there is only freedom, and no you.

Ok now it's clearer what you mean.

I agree with you btw

Thank you for your insights

[Vittorio]

Here I am again!

Last days have been really full of insights to me.

I understood what emotions are, how they work and I created a method to handle strong negative emotions with a 5-step-method which mixes energy work, mindfulness, body awareness and high consciousness.

I got some ideas about writing a book like "A New Earth" written by Eckhart Tolle.

I understood what body awareness is and why is it so important.

I started changing my routine to enjoy the food I eat and being grateful for it.

But what actually struck with me is understanding how to move toward further awakenings.

Let me explain what I mean.

After my first awakening I discovered that many of the things I believed to be true were no longer true.

By "believing them to be true" I mean the identification in:

• victimistic dynamics (at work and privately)
• a sense of inferiority, bewilderment, missing direction and unworthiness
• seeking approval mechanisms
• the role of the "k dude" James Bond style

It is as if something has been washed out of my eyes and now I can see more clearly.

I realise how far my perceptions and beliefs were from reality.

What I mean is:

• there is no executioner or victim, even though one may have felt treated unfairly or with disrespect. The dynamic is created when one identifies himself with emotions and the content of actions and gives meaning to them
• I am not inferior as a person. On the contrary, in terms of awareness, intuition, intellect and value I can provide I am superior to the majority of the population
• I already have a sense of direction. It was simply very small. In addition I can experiment around and understand what I want to try and do (Vision/LP)
• I no longer seek approval from my ex gf or colleagues. If that's the way they are, that's the way they are. I treat them with more distance and without trying to please them
• instead of being detached and dissociated from life and my emotions and living my life in result/task mode, what I want is to be more involved in life and feel and fully embody strong positive emotions such as joy, passion, union, authenticity, spontaneity and lightness
• I feel that I am worth as a person, friend, partner and spiritual/coach master and that I can give so much to others, precisely because of my high awareness, knowledge, experiences, understanding, my values and my Emotional Mastery

After this experience, I no longer want to live in deception. I want to know and live what is True and understand and filter out what is authentic and what is not.

I want to clear away what is blocking me from living the Truth and therefore life and my emotions fully, whatever the Truth and whatever form or no form it may have.

Therefore I want to reach higher permanent levels of awakening, discovering the Truth, putting an end to self deceptions, opening myself to bigger and nobler feelings than those I am able to feel now, removing filters, preconceptions, dynamics and beliefs that limit me and make me suffer and obtaining the sum Emotional Mastery.

Tomorrow I will do a trip and I will try to reach this goal.

I am aware that, in order to see the Truth, it is necessary to renounce what prevents me from doing so, namely my attachment to my desires, preconceptions, beliefs, fears and will and therefore to the sense of my own identity.

I am not directly renouncing all those things, but only to the attachment which lies behind.

In order to become aware of these things, I have drawn up a list of the things that prevent me from seeing and living it completely (I/me/mine = my current ego/ my current identification in my ego).

Here is the list of these things:

• I have preconceptions about what enlightenment is, how should it occurs and what it entails, i.e. discovering that it is all illusory (and that's all) and therefore living a deep depressive phase of loss of meaning from which so many people cannot recover
• I still partially see enlightenment as a form of achievement to be proud of/feel proud of and not as a way of achieving higher permanent levels of awakening, discovering the Truth, putting an end to self-deception, opening myself to feelings greater and more noble than those I am able to feel now, removing filters, preconceptions, dynamics and beliefs that limit me and make me suffer and getting the sum Emotional Mastery
• Fear of something bad happening to me that will make me deeply depressed and lose motivation in everything (including working, training, pursuing a better life or something else)
• Fear of not being able to manage post-awakening and therefore finding myself in this condition of permanent starvation and detachment and being seen as crazy from my family, losing my job, ending up on the street, feeling alienated from everything and everyone forever and living the rest of my life even more dissociated than I am/was
• Fear of giving up what I discovered until now about my LP and my Vision and that I will never reach it
• Fear of losing that sense of living found in life that I discovered with my last awakening. After further awakening and discovering that everything is illusory and nothing has an objective meaning, this could destroy everything
• Fear of losing the current state I am in (and thus return to be a mega hamster)
• Fear that the trip won't work and something bad will happen to me that will make me traumatized for life
• Fear of not understanding the Truth and misinterpreting insights
• Fear of becoming a vegetable without personality and therefore of becoming boring, quiet, lazy, cynical and depressed
• Fear of not being able to relate to anyone, of not knowing how to love and of not appreciating things anymore (even now I don't appreciate them fully, but at least somehow I still do)

I recognize everything up here as voices and stories my ego tells to not give up and die.

I have to give up these things, recognize that I don't know how it will be and that they are just voices.

Edited October 23, 2020 by Vittorio

[abrakamowse]

???????????

[SpiritualAwakening]

8 hours ago, Vittorio said:

Here I am again!

Last days have been really full of insights to me.

I understood what emotions are, how they work and I created a method to handle strong negative emotions with a 5-step-method which mixes energy work, mindfulness, body awareness and high consciousness.

I got some ideas about writing a book like "A New Earth" written by Eckhart Tolle.

I understood what body awareness is and why is it so important.

I started changing my routine to enjoy the food I eat and being grateful for it.

But what actually struck with me is understanding how to move toward further awakenings.

Let me explain what I mean.

After my first awakening I discovered that many of the things I believed to be true were no longer true.

By "believing them to be true" I mean the identification in:

• victimistic dynamics (at work and privately)
• a sense of inferiority, bewilderment, missing direction and unworthiness
• seeking approval mechanisms
• the role of the "k dude" James Bond style

It is as if something has been washed out of my eyes and now I can see more clearly.

I realise how far my perceptions and beliefs were from reality.

What I mean is:

• there is no executioner or victim, even though one may have felt treated unfairly or with disrespect. The dynamic is created when one identifies himself with emotions and the content of actions and gives meaning to them
• I am not inferior as a person. On the contrary, in terms of awareness, intuition, intellect and value I can provide I am superior to the majority of the population
• I already have a sense of direction. It was simply very small. In addition I can experiment around and understand what I want to try and do (Vision/LP)
• I no longer seek approval from my ex gf or colleagues. If that's the way they are, that's the way they are. I treat them with more distance and without trying to please them
• instead of being detached and dissociated from life and my emotions and living my life in result/task mode, what I want is to be more involved in life and feel and fully embody strong positive emotions such as joy, passion, union, authenticity, spontaneity and lightness
• I feel that I am worth as a person, friend, partner and spiritual/coach master and that I can give so much to others, precisely because of my high awareness, knowledge, experiences, understanding, my values and my Emotional Mastery

After this experience, I no longer want to live in deception. I want to know and live what is True and understand and filter out what is authentic and what is not.

I want to clear away what is blocking me from living the Truth and therefore life and my emotions fully, whatever the Truth and whatever form or no form it may have.

Therefore I want to reach higher permanent levels of awakening, discovering the Truth, putting an end to self deceptions, opening myself to bigger and nobler feelings than those I am able to feel now, removing filters, preconceptions, dynamics and beliefs that limit me and make me suffer and obtaining the sum Emotional Mastery.

Tomorrow I will do a trip and I will try to reach this goal.

I am aware that, in order to see the Truth, it is necessary to renounce what prevents me from doing so, namely my attachment to my desires, preconceptions, beliefs, fears and will and therefore to the sense of my own identity.

I am not directly renouncing all those things, but only to the attachment which lies behind.

In order to become aware of these things, I have drawn up a list of the things that prevent me from seeing and living it completely (I/me/mine = my current ego/ my current identification in my ego).

Here is the list of these things:

• I have preconceptions about what enlightenment is, how should it occurs and what it entails, i.e. discovering that it is all illusory (and that's all) and therefore living a deep depressive phase of loss of meaning from which so many people cannot recover
• I still partially see enlightenment as a form of achievement to be proud of/feel proud of and not as a way of achieving higher permanent levels of awakening, discovering the Truth, putting an end to self-deception, opening myself to feelings greater and more noble than those I am able to feel now, removing filters, preconceptions, dynamics and beliefs that limit me and make me suffer and getting the sum Emotional Mastery
• Fear of something bad happening to me that will make me deeply depressed and lose motivation in everything (including working, training, pursuing a better life or something else)
• Fear of not being able to manage post-awakening and therefore finding myself in this condition of permanent starvation and detachment and being seen as crazy from my family, losing my job, ending up on the street, feeling alienated from everything and everyone forever and living the rest of my life even more dissociated than I am/was
• Fear of giving up what I discovered until now about my LP and my Vision and that I will never reach it
• Fear of losing that sense of living found in life that I discovered with my last awakening. After further awakening and discovering that everything is illusory and nothing has an objective meaning, this could destroy everything
• Fear of losing the current state I am in (and thus return to be a mega hamster)
• Fear that the trip won't work and something bad will happen to me that will make me traumatized for life
• Fear of not understanding the Truth and misinterpreting insights
• Fear of becoming a vegetable without personality and therefore of becoming boring, quiet, lazy, cynical and depressed
• Fear of not being able to relate to anyone, of not knowing how to love and of not appreciating things anymore (even now I don't appreciate them fully, but at least somehow I still do)

I recognize everything up here as voices and stories my ego tells to not give up and die.

I have to give up these things, recognize that I don't know how it will be and that they are just voices.

Try removing the image of what you are seeking. and stop chasing the happiness and bliss.. look for the absolute truth and don't settle for less. All your questions will suddenly disappear.

[Vittorio]

22 minutes ago, SpiritualAwakening said:

Try removing the image of what you are seeking. and stop chasing the happiness and bliss.. look for the absolute truth and don't settle for less. All your questions will suddenly disappear.

Thank you for your suggestion. I have already found out I have to stop idolizing and giving it a form. As I said, I don't know from my direct experience what it will happen. My first objective is discovering Truth and living in Truth and stop believing in falsehood. I have already seen how much falsehood and unauthenticity in my life disappeared just in a week. I want to know more. 

[Vittorio]

After doing my trip I got it.

Who I am, what's everything about (a Love simulator), what I am and much more.

I got a really nerd explanation btw lolz.

And I laughed a lot because now I am "officially" enlightened (at least due to Leo checklist) and, on the same time, I recognize how silly this degree of awakening is.

I can say I just started to scrape the surface. I have already envisioned other things about the void I never thought about, e.g. that the void is not void, but is some sort of conceptualized pulsating living being with specific charateristics, emotions etc. and that has the specific intention of Creating and living itself through infinite perspectives.

I realized that there is still emotional mastery work to do, even if I got it, but I am totally positive on this!

I am gonna write more on this!

Edited October 24, 2020 by Vittorio

[Vittorio]

So, let's get to the explanation.

I was baffled about the thing that I was still searching for an "I" after sorting out all what I WAS NOT, so I am not my body, I am not in my body, I am not in my brain and I am not a person.

I still had this belief of "I" because I heard of the "True Self" and I conceptualized it as another self who was behind the "identity self".

What I discovered is this thing:

Behind my identity there is a void and there is basically no "I".

The "I" is created as soon as an identity/person is created, but in the void there is no I.

There is a void and THEN there is an identification process which creates an "I".

I = What you believe is you, so an human, you have specific tastes, specific memories etc.

As you see, the concept of I is in fact relative.

My I is not your I, so I believe to be Vittorio and you believe to be you (if we were both not enlightened).

So there is no real "I" at the source, because how the hell can a void have an "I"?

Is it a void at the end, isn't it?

Well, it turned out that's only a partial truth (I still have to discover more on that, I just had the "basic" awakening).

I discovered that this void is actually NOT void, but it is full of life!

I still don't know much, but I feel there are there the absolute nobil feelings of Love,  Joy, Passion, Authenticity and such.

And I felt that the entire Creation is just some kind of Love simulation.

Everything is Love and this is all a Love simulation, so there is no judgment about what you do or what you don't do in life.

It's all Love and is just yourself experiencing yourself!

So it was just a process to discover I am basically nothing and both everything (and thus infinity).

Cracking a joke: There is NOTHING to see here (and still...)

Edited October 24, 2020 by Vittorio

[The0Self]

Any “situation“ if there seems to be one (a real happening) is always simultaneously so much more dire, and so much less important, than it seems.

[erik8lrl]

@Vittorio Yes.