High and Mighty

[trenton]

I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately and after a lot of burning, muscle spasms and tension, and some suffering, I have managed to unwire some toxic and harmful values.

It came up that my motives for seeking the truth were very selfish.  Like politics and religion, the function of idealizing truth can be to make me feel high and mighty which is hilarious.  It was actually a painful process though.  This relates to a lot of psychological trauma and the burning that came with my unconscious valuing of power.  This creates an addiction to anger which leads to poisoning oneself.  Making a claim to truth leads to pain.  I think this superiority feeling leads to projections toward people who may do similar, but I am not really happy doing this.  I remember that this was related to morality as well.  I also am noticing how I cause myself to go against my interest because I think the truth is good and I would be doing a good thing.

I am getting interested in the question "what is perception?".  It affects a lot of my behaviors, reactions, emotions, and thoughts based on how any object relates to my identity.  This is truth for truth's sake because I'm curious.  It would also be helpful for understanding how I act and why.

I have less of a desire to judge other people, but it is still there.  The reason I am putting a lot of effort into consciousness work is because I think it can recontextualize how I think about my life purpose in a powerful way.  This includes self improvement and self reflection in order to help me change the thoughts I have as a consequence of my identity.  My mind is much more peaceful, joyful, and clear.  My body is also less tense.

Maybe someone out there can find this helpful.  I think humility is useful for dealing with the source of the inner burning, but I still feel it to less intense degrees.