Am I Going Crazy???

[Joyous]

So, I been on my self actualized journey for what feels like my entire life just without it being fully known to me. A bizarre sense of presence that would freak me out when i was younger would cause "anxiety" attacks and i would run to find my mum and continue the freak out which felt very real. that sparked the beginning of me always internally questioning why i felt a certain way based on the profoundness of how real this sense of being watched or presence felt. mixed it with not knowing what to believe when i was young as i wanted to embrace religion... but something just knew it wasnt truth.

fast forward to early teens and the "panic attacks" disappeared and everyone always knew me to have a very normal and out going lifestyle. only my mother knew of the anxiety for quite sometime. So i lived a normal life from 15-28 but always with the internal questioning of why things are the way they are and working things out for myself. Turns out i was becoming depressed as most people do at some point when i stumbled across self actualization. at the start (only 1.5years) of my discovery of the self actualized videos it seemed perfect to my core that these were truths. that the mind is in control of the way we perceive reality. I started meditation and cleaning up the toxic shit in my life. and once out of the actual depression, the other rewards began to flood in. in the sense that i would meditate and have some overwhelming internal shaking with excitement as i got fixated or focused and that would carry on a nice aura into the following days,

As you can tell i got hooked as was getting such a good quality of life from it. started branching out to more videos like Mooji, and also quantum explanations for how crazy all this shit that we perceive as reality. I've always had a thirst for knowledge and truths. i feel like thats my calling is to just understand shit so i fully embraced the notion

then one night.. i smoked some weed with my gf which was regular thing... (thinking now in hindsight that this was probably not helping) and entered like a meditative awareness. experiencing huge joys almost crying watching this whale video... like putting myself in the mind of the whale and feeling immense love that the documentary was displaying about the Whale... yes sounds crazy

but it seemed so real to me and i kept making all these beautifull connections with everything in that moment. to a point it felt i was understanding truths after truths.. it got so intense that i started trying to express it in words to my gf.. she was looking back at me with love and was almost crying at the things i was conveying... then it dawned on my that i sounded crazy.. and a cloud of Anxiety swept over that i felt trapped in for the longest period ive ever encounted. from meere seconds as a child.. to 20-30-40mins (not sure how long but felt like forever)
the next day i woke up (TODAY) and its hard to get back to the feeling of how things were as my gf layed witness to an epic meltdown. but today i feel like i need to be truer to myself.. or like smoking and constant mcdonalds and shitty lose ends in my life i havent rectified... just been chasing these uforic feelings.. which now im terrified to pursue again.. any help.. suggestions... insights?? anyone? or am i doomed to be "crazy"

[SaynotoKlaus]

   I think a factor in your "insanity" might be that you got caught up in all this what's-the-meaning-of-life-and-the-truth stuff  , which is a big mindfuck , if you think about it. Maybe you would be better off if you would just stop caring about this. I for one don't care about this stuff anymore, and it feels nice.

 Also you chasing the good feels definitely ruins your mental stability , i know this for sure because this is exactly my main problem. I often feel like you , that i'm crazy and have no self control when i keep trying to feel good all the time.

This article might help

 

[philosogi]

@Joyous Weed can be a useful tool, as long as it's not a habit/distraction. Romantic partners can be beautiful, as long as they're not a habit/distraction.

You were having a beautiful time until you either judged yourself and/or worried that some other person might judge you if they could see you. That judgment is the key. Catch your ego doing it next time and accept that your ego has fears, but that you will take care of everything for the ego so it needn't worry.

You're not going crazy. If you feel like you're following your truth for the sake of it, have at it. It's most other people who are blind for not seeing the beauty of reality! They're not ready to accept or even search for reality because they think they already understand it. No need to judge them; just don't let their hypothetical judgments distract you from your own truth.

[Ayla]

@Joyous

weed does not do anything to you. It just gives you the ability to "lose" past and future for a moment. In those instances, you only see what is. When it begins to fade, you slowly or abruptly come back into fear. Fear cannot exist in the present. Fear cannot exist without body and time. 

Nothing is wrong. 

If I was to give an advice for you to consider, smoke it (if you have to) as integral part of a meditation process. Do it alone or with someone who won't interfere. Write down insights and verify them through meditation. 

All's good.

[Joyous]

On 8/27/2016 at 7:21 PM, philosogi said:

Thank you Everyone! struggling to figure out how to reply to all.  Happy days

 

[philosogi]

@Joyous LOL don't put words in my mouth

Edited August 29, 2016 by philosogi