How to attract authentically?

[RoerAmit]

So I am tired of getting no results with women. And after I saw the last episode (What is Actualized.org - Must-View for everyone, thanks leo), I am fucking serious, and gonna bite the bullet about attracting women authentically, and have a superb dating life since I got almost 0 experience.

The main problem is that I am a people pleaser. I most get love and validation from every fucking person I meet. I can see now how unattractive I am and I am ready to change everything about myself.

I just cant be me authentically, that weirdo Self-Help guy that thinks about reality and love and truth, so afraid to get rejected because its unpopular. 
I am afraid to lose the love I need, by telling who I am.

Does anybody can understand where I am at?

What is the first step to take? And what I don’t see in the big picture?

Thanks

[JonasVE12]

2 hours ago, RoerAmit said:

I just cant be me authentically

You can, but your authenticity has probably been burried deep inside you, under deep layers of conditioning that now prevents you to be attractive. All these validation seeking behaviors comes out of assumption that you are not good enough. It's normal to get these assumptions if you have almost zero experience. You start to think there's something really wrong with you socially and that reinforces the loop. You are just in a loop where you have the assumption that you are unattractive and not wanted, so you act this out in your behavior, and then you manifest the corresponding results, and this reinforces the pattern. Now, if you want to break out of this, you have to do something different. A new game-plan. People become attractive by practicing social skills, getting used to talking to different people, joking around, talking to women, getting used to expressing yourself. You can go about learning this in different ways. You could do Door-to-door sales, pick-up, improv classes, small challenges each day that take you out of your comfortzone, the sky is the limit. Practice being in your body, groundend in your own validation, with self-love, and focus on the proces of becoming better socially, instead of specific results. Only focus on results for the bigger picture view of how it relates to your growth. You'll progessively become better only if you practice. Start small, then bigger challenges, soon you'll remove a lot of layers of conditioning, start to feel more expressive and expansive, more funny, more talkative, more authentic. And then you can present your personality in a more non distorted way. 

[Recursoinominado]

Cold approach every girl you see, they won't give you the time of the day if you approach with this weak people-pleasing mentality, the pain from acting this way will soon motivate you to try a different approach, like actually being authentic.

Also, don't be authentic in order to receive positive reactions, this will quickly turn into another mask. 

Find something funny with each rejection, because, really that's not a big deal at all. 

I once miscalibrated an approach, only to get a group of 6 people to scream/chant "asshole", "asshole", "asshole" to me and guess what? Nothing happened, to minutes later i approached another group on the same spot and got positive reactions. 

Nothing is personal, kid. 

[ertopolice]

@RoerAmit I feel that but hey..i agree that it's all about layers of conditioning.

I push myself to interact in as many situations as possible because I lack of social circles atm..and it gets better.

Also, I think we all who are on this and question about these topics covered in actualized.org makes a difference. You will see!  

[Thestarguitarist14]

First off, you got to get rid of this people pleaser attitude.

 

Secondly, you have to see yourself as attractive, worthy and enough.  Basically you have to raise your self esteem and love yourself.  Self loathing is not attractive.

 

Thirdly, just be yourself.  Don’t play games, just be yourself.  That is how you attract authentically.  You may get rejected.  But it’s better to be rejected for who you are than to be accepted while being someone you aren’t.

[Byun Sean]

Theres no quick fix solution for attracting  a great romantic partner.

meditation, shadow work, therapy, journaling, emotional work, reading books, psyches, practice socializing, identity shifting etc (you can do research on an endless amount of these techniques. I'm pretty sure Leo has a video just on listing these self actualization techniques) can all improve your self esteem and level of Self-Love which makes you naturally more authentic and a stronger man thus increasing your attractiveness and value as a man.

The big picture here is working on loving yourself from the inside out first so that your authentic self shines through effortlessly with no resistance. Attractive qualities like humor, confidence, spontaneity, and more are a natural expression of authenticity which comes after the man does enough inner work/ is conscious enough.

 

[RoerAmit]

Great answers everyone!!

thank you so much!!

[ivory]

@RoerAmit You need to work on self-acceptance, honesty, and vulnerability with others. If you are able to afford it, I would recommend a therapist. Self-acceptance is really difficult to achieve on your own. I'm speaking from experience. That said, there are some things you can do, and that is to get more life experience under your belt. Spirituality development doesn't happen in a bubble. You should strive to be well rounded. Have hobbies, friends, a job you like, read, watch documentaries, explore and adventure. The more developed you become the more attractive you will be to women, but you need to be on your true path, not the path that you think will make chicks like you. Lastly, I would highly recommend the book Models by Mark Manson. It expands on some of the stuff I talked about here and will give you tools to attract women authentically. I can't recommend the book enough. Good luck my dude

[RoerAmit]

On 21.10.2020 at 2:29 PM, ivory said:

@RoerAmit You need to work on self-acceptance, honesty, and vulnerability with others. If you are able to afford it, I would recommend a therapist. Self-acceptance is really difficult to achieve on your own. I'm speaking from experience. That said, there are some things you can do, and that is to get more life experience under your belt. Spirituality development doesn't happen in a bubble. You should strive to be well rounded. Have hobbies, friends, a job you like, read, watch documentaries, explore and adventure. The more developed you become the more attractive you will be to women, but you need to be on your true path, not the path that you think will make chicks like you. Lastly, I would highly recommend the book Models by Mark Manson. It expands on some of the stuff I talked about here and will give you tools to attract women authentically. I can't recommend the book enough. Good luck my dude

Thanks for the advice. I started to apply the stuff and I can say I already started to change. I will definitely buy this book. Thank you so much

[Rolo]

On 15/10/2020 at 7:08 PM, RoerAmit said:

I just cant be me authentically, that weirdo Self-Help guy

you haven't sunk far enough down the rabbit hole.  

[Jaka Pirs Hanzic]

An insight i had recently, since i strugle with similar situation: ive realized that me being introverted is literally just a belief on my part. A belief born through childhood/teenhood experiences, reinforced by my unconscious self over the years. It has prevented me from being social and authentic for years. But once i became conscious of the root problem behind it, i can now see how laughable it is.

So, what to do now? Well, there is nothing quite like spiritual purification work to make you more authentic. Awareness is everything. Check out Leo's episode called ''Awareness alone is curative''. Turn inwards, not only during your sitting meditation slot, but take your meditation into your daily life. Observe your thoughts, emotions etc. even when you are with people. This is how you become aware of your inauthenticity and the problems behind it, and the more you observe it, the easier it becomes to simply be you, even around people. Do some shadow work as well! Really go deep within yourself, and often! You might get scared or uncomfortable when you start discovering hidden aspects of yourself which are holding you back, but so what? Be glad, smile and thank the Universe every time you discover something about yourself, no one said growth will be easy

Apart from spiritual practices, what is helping me enormously is semen retention. In fact, im counting it as a spiritual practise.

[Applegarden]

It already happens before you speak, just improve your life in general.

[The0Self]

@RoerAmit You’re trying to get something from women. You can’t. Someone might seem to, but it’s never their doing. When you see women as yourself, nothing can go wrong. You could probably even fake it, and you’d be a lie, but all people are lies. You don’t need to believe the lies.

[Nivsch]

@JonasVE12 great answer. I also have to do this more and your answer helped me a lot too.

Edited November 6, 2020 by Nivsch

[Darlisto]

On 15/10/2020 at 1:12 PM, JonasVE12 said:

You can, but your authenticity has probably been burried deep inside you, under deep layers of conditioning that now prevents you to be attractive. All these validation seeking behaviors comes out of assumption that you are not good enough. It's normal to get these assumptions if you have almost zero experience. You start to think there's something really wrong with you socially and that reinforces the loop. You are just in a loop where you have the assumption that you are unattractive and not wanted, so you act this out in your behavior, and then you manifest the corresponding results, and this reinforces the pattern. Now, if you want to break out of this, you have to do something different. A new game-plan. People become attractive by practicing social skills, getting used to talking to different people, joking around, talking to women, getting used to expressing yourself. You can go about learning this in different ways. You could do Door-to-door sales, pick-up, improv classes, small challenges each day that take you out of your comfortzone, the sky is the limit. Practice being in your body, groundend in your own validation, with self-love, and focus on the proces of becoming better socially, instead of specific results. Only focus on results for the bigger picture view of how it relates to your growth. You'll progessively become better only if you practice. Start small, then bigger challenges, soon you'll remove a lot of layers of conditioning, start to feel more expressive and expansive, more funny, more talkative, more authentic. And then you can present your personality in a more non distorted way. 

Loved your advice, thanks for sharing. Reminds me of my first breakthroughs in experiencing in true expansive and authentic confidence and your words made me experience those times again. Thank you :-) 

[Darlisto]

Also don't forget that women are also deeply conditioned, imperfect and insecure. We often put women on some sort of pedestal, telling ourselves we have to be someone in order to be with someone. The one for you doesn't require you to be someone else, because she will accept you for who you are, including your conditioning and your shadow. 

There is a book called: 'The Manual: What Women Want & How to Give it To Them' that goes into great depth about this topic and will deeply unwind your conditioning. I still had it on my laptop, you can download it here.

Edited November 6, 2020 by Darlisto