Core belief that I'm not enough

[mellifluous_mind]

I've finally decided to try to stop the toll I allow my emotions to take on me. I've noticed in this past year (and other aspects of my life), this has been a behavior that appears to fulfill some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy, in which I prove to myself that I'm not enough. This time last year, I had two incredible friendships from people who supported me out of an abusive relationship, and always saw me positively. I was the happiest I had ever been. I wasn't sensitive, or irrational, I felt people had viewed me as intelligent, funny, and with incredible potential. I started dating one of my friends, and I felt everything I had was too good - so I slowly destroyed it..

I did this by worrying about what he thought of me, or taking any joke as proof that he didn't love me anymore, or I wasn't as smart, funny, or interesting as he previously thought I was. Deep down, I always had this fear, that my belief of me never being enough would show through to him - and he'd see what I feel is the real me: unfunny, not smart, interesting, or special in any manner.

I started getting clouded by insecurity, negative thoughts, and finding reasons to prove to myself and to him that he didn't actually love me, or that I wasn't as great as he previously thought. This small habit turned into an insane cycle of negativity. I stopped listening as much, he started getting frustrated, we started fighting, I stopped joking around, and we found it very difficult to talk to each other. All because I believed I wasn't enough, and I had to make proof for myself.

Now, I'm desperate to stop this behavior. It's been a year of this damage, which has caused me to have emotional reactions nearly everyday, and has caused him immense frustration and confusion over why I choose to be miserable. I'm having trouble thinking logically, making sound decisions, and thinking ahead (this one is an issue I've never had before, I've always been overly aware of mine and other's situations).

I am a 21-year-old female, who's always dealt with the underlying belief that I'm not enough. When I was 17 I discovered Leo Gura and spirituality, and I worked to try to fix this core belief. Then, I went to college for 2 years, and lost sight of it, got into an abusive relationship which seemed to have make this belief worse...

I really want to detach from this belief, or fix it - I'm tired of being in a fog of my emotional reactions. I can't think straight, nothing really registers in me anymore, and even if I'm aware of my behaviors now I don't seem to fully understand the ramifications they have. I just feel lost. I don't like being this old and having these problems. I really want to work towards fixing this, but every time I try my ego tells me it's embarrassing that I even have to do that, and I should be ashamed of myself for having these issues.

I just don't want to accept it...that I've done all these things and behaved these ways. I prided myself on never acting on my emotions before. I'm just ashamed and embarrassed, and have even been depressed about the state that my relationship is in due to my behaviors and emotional issues.