my emotions and irrational thinking are destroying my relationship

[mellifluous_mind]

I am completely clouded by my emotions. My partner has complained about how I don't fully listen, and how I react emotionally when they try to speak objectively with me. This, although not at all a big deal, has been incredibly difficult, and has felt almost impossible for me to accept. I continue to deny and say, "that's not me", or cry profusely when they bring it up or get frustrated.

This has a deeper meaning to my ego, as my partner has compared the behavior to his mother, which has lead him to wanting to commit suicide. Although he's admitted I am not to that extremity, it feels almost impossible for me to accept this criticism without an emotional reaction. I want to be nothing like his mother, however, the more emotionally attached I get, the less objective I become, therefore I play more into the behavior he despises.

It also cycles back as it makes me incredibly worried when talking to him, (for fear of me not paying attention happening again) further clouding my head and making it more difficult to pay attention.

I am also extremely attached to the beginning of our relationship, which he cites as me never behaving in this way before, and was actually one of the reasons we bonded in the first place (he enjoyed my objectivity, logical thinking, detachment from emotions clouding my thoughts, and how easy it was to talk and reason to me). This, ironically, makes me cry even more - as I feel I've completely lost that part of me, or he'll never see me in that light again. Or even worse, even if I do change the behavior, he'll always see me as an emotional wreck who can't handle objective conversation.

I've brought up these concerns with him before, and he has stated that the more I repeat the positive behavior (listening more, not crying), the faster it'll all go away. He always reaffirms with me that I can fix this behavior, that it can all be a memory and won't impact my current character. But, this has been hard for my ego to believe - it always wants to tell me that I'm inadequate, not enough, and I've completely ruined everything. And I believe it.

I'm just struggling with what exactly I need to do to stop this behavior. I was locked in my home with my very emotional, anxiety-run family for 6 months (they feared covid-19 to the point of self-quarantine), 2 months ago, I left to live with my father, out of being driven to near insanity. We both believe this lowered my IQ substantially, and made me way more emotional and irrational. Now, I'm still having trouble thinking clearly, or even narrowing down what exactly is bothering me.

It feels my thoughts are behind a dim cloud. My rational feels completely obliterated, and I'm having trouble accepting this situation without attaching it to "you make him suicidal, you're too stupid to talk to, you've completely ruined everything.." etc. I can't accept the situation logically, without destroying myself and making myself miserable in the process. I compare myself to his ex's, to my past self, I think of false positives like "if I wear this shirt, I'll be more like my past self". I'm completely illogical. Even if I start to work on it, my mind will tell me "his ex never had to do this, you're so pathetic, he'll never love you like he loved her".

If anyone has any tips on this, I would be really happy to hear. This behavior and cycle has been going on for about a year, and I'm sick of it. It's been making both of us miserable. I just really want to be able to accept that I'm a person who has made him miserable, without attaching it to feelings of inadequacy, never being enough, and always being stained by this past. Thank you so much.

Edited October 14, 2020 by mellifluous_mind

[4201]

First I'd start by saying I think he is mostly the one at fault here. What he is asking you is not reasonable in my opinion. He is playing the victim and blaming you for being who you are. Having emotions is not irrational, repressing them is. He is responsible for who he is and what he does.

That being said, blaming him won't get you far. This idea that it's your responsibility to change who you are to respond to his trauma and issues, why did you accept it in the first place? Isn't it the perfect opportunity for you to feel inadequate? If for example, you were addicted to inadequacy, then this would be the perfect match wouldn't it? Perfectly chaotic I mean. What I mean here is that this situation provides you the best of opportunity to indulge in this self-judgement you probably did for your entire life. None of this is necessary or desirable.

If you follow me on that, why do you have self-destructive tendencies? Does it seem counter intuitive if what you want is to survive as yourself? Well, what if you happened to identify as being inadequate. So much so it is part of "who you are". Then since you want to survive "as who you are" you'd be compelled to keep feeling inadequate since this is what you think you are.

You need to realize that this idea of you being inadequate is not who you are. You may believe that right now but this belief is the only thing making it true (for you). It's hard to let go such a belief because your entire life story is made to reinforce what you believe you are, but you are the one who made this life story. It is just a perspective. I'm not gonna claim I got the perfect 1. 2. 3. technique to let go of such a belief. But I know somebody who do. Peter Ralston in The Book of Not Knowing describes exactly how to do that, in very deep details. Of course there are other options, but as long as you believe that you are not adequate this will continue, no matter in what context.

Be aware and skeptical of thoughts that seek to blame yourself for everything. You are an amazing person, I know you will get through this.

PS: This whole idea of emotional challenges lowering your IQ is the most irrational thing I've read in a while  No, you are not getting "worse", you are just going through your own issues and this is important work. You'll end up stronger at the end of that. Yes stress and anxiety reduces your performance at anything... but those things are not permanent.

Edited October 16, 2020 by 4201

[Oliver Saavedra]

First of all, you sound EXHAUSTED. Take a long break for resting and letting all of this go for a while. Here's the reasons why:

You can't work through a solution when your brain is in that emotional turmoil. So trying to force-change the situation won't work. 

Your amygdala (the part of the brain that processes emotions) gets overly excited and has intense emotions and your inner dialogue doesn't stop, and if you act on it, it just gets worse and worse. 

For you to make a reasonable solution you first need to calm down the amygdala so your frontal lobe (the part of the brain responsible for self-reflection, planning, strategy, empathy, creativity, and more) can do its work. And it won't until the amygdala has relaxed. 

So for real take a break, practice relaxing your body and your mind, do some. breathework, meditate, dopamine detox, stop consuming information, take a day off, go in nature, do things you enjoy. Do anything that relaxes you from that cronic stress you're describing.

Then come back here and we can work it out. 

Much love ❤️

[Nahm]

On 10/14/2020 at 5:03 PM, mellifluous_mind said:

I am completely clouded by my emotions. My partner has complained about how I don't fully listen, and how I react emotionally when they try to speak objectively with me. This, although not at all a big deal, has been incredibly difficult, and has felt almost impossible for me to accept. I continue to deny and say, "that's not me", or cry profusely when they bring it up or get frustrated.

Sounds like someone is trying to convince you their perspective is objective, and this is not resonating with your actual experience that you and he each have only a subjective experience and perspectives. How you feel matters, not what someone else thinks about you. They have their own feelings, you have yours. 

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This has a deeper meaning to my ego, as my partner has compared the behavior to his mother, which has lead him to wanting to commit suicide. Although he's admitted I am not to that extremity, it feels almost impossible for me to accept this criticism without an emotional reaction. I want to be nothing like his mother, however, the more emotionally attached I get, the less objective I become, therefore I play more into the behavior he despises.

To threaten you with my suicide do to your behavior is innocent and disheartening, yet is also extremely manipulative and a loud cry for help. I should be seeking help and clarity & addressing my feelings in that scenario, not blaming & threatening you. It’s like a kid at a party in which everyone will not bend to their will and do and act as they desire, so they threaten to leave the party, rather than addressing their own subjective perspectives and experience, letting go of trying to control everyone & everything, and having a good time. 

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It also cycles back as it makes me incredibly worried when talking to him, (for fear of me not paying attention happening again) further clouding my head and making it more difficult to pay attention.

Relationship wise, it is never your job or responsibility to pay attention to someone else. Someone acting like a child does not actually make someone your child. 

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I am also extremely attached to the beginning of our relationship, which he cites as me never behaving in this way before, and was actually one of the reasons we bonded in the first place (he enjoyed my objectivity, logical thinking, detachment from emotions clouding my thoughts, and how easy it was to talk and reason to me). This, ironically, makes me cry even more - as I feel I've completely lost that part of me, or he'll never see me in that light again. Or even worse, even if I do change the behavior, he'll always see me as an emotional wreck who can't handle objective conversation.

The ‘objective perspective’ is not a perspective at all, it is love, and it is ‘coming from’ within you -it is not coming from him. This is not to say he can’t be or isn’t being loving, just that the love you feel is not literally coming from anyone or anywhere - but within you. If you have attached to thoughts & perspective that it is coming from him, then you might misinterpret the feeling of fear (of losing him and therefore the love) when in truth, that feeling is the very love, sort of saying “wtf though? I’m right here for you sweetie, I am always right here for you!”. 

Take time away from him and reconnect within emotionally. It sounds like you’re ‘in so deep’ you can’t see the forrest from the trees. Get out of the forrest for a bit.

Be careful as well, not to pull a reversal and blame him for any of this. That is only staying in the forrest and pretending you are not...continuing to attach the love you are to him, trying to make him understand, or apologize, etc. You can love him and love yourself, wether you are in a relationship with him or not. The more love you give, the more love you are experiencing & feeling. You can love so much there isn’t even really a you and others anymore. Just the love. Though I think all of that love, for now, really should be just for you. It is in fact what healing is. Allow it. Receive it. Let go of ‘barriers’, and like a helium balloon, love floats of it’s own accord - inherently, intrinsically, automatically. 

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I've brought up these concerns with him before, and he has stated that the more I repeat the positive behavior (listening more, not crying), the faster it'll all go away.

He could use sometime out of the woods as well, to know the tree he is. How he feels is not contingent on your behaviors, though it sounds like he very much believes it is, and that you have convinced yourself of this as well. 

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He always reaffirms with me that I can fix this behavior, that it can all be a memory and won't impact my current character. But, this has been hard for my ego to believe - it always wants to tell me that I'm inadequate, not enough, and I've completely ruined everything. And I believe it.

Why believe what feels terrible? 

Why ignore the feeling, and believe the thoughts? 

For him?

For your well being?

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I'm just struggling with what exactly I need to do to stop this behavior. I was locked in my home with my very emotional, anxiety-run family for 6 months (they feared covid-19 to the point of self-quarantine), 2 months ago, I left to live with my father, out of being driven to near insanity. We both believe this lowered my IQ substantially, and made me way more emotional and irrational. Now, I'm still having trouble thinking clearly, or even narrowing down what exactly is bothering me.

Believing other people dictate or determine how you feel, is bothering you, because they don’t. The very ‘bothered’ feeling is the source of you, listen to that. 

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It feels my thoughts are behind a dim cloud. My rational feels completely obliterated, and I'm having trouble accepting this situation without attaching it to "you make him suicidal, you're too stupid to talk to, you've completely ruined everything.." etc. I can't accept the situation logically, without destroying myself and making myself miserable in the process.

Then don’t continue trying to force ‘logical acceptance‘. You are not responsible for how he feels. You are responsible for how you feel, act and behave - no one else. Stop ‘destroying yourself’ to make someone else appeased. You will never be able to get poor enough to make someone else rich. You will never be able to get sick enough to make someone else well. You will never be able to ignore feeling enough for someone else to have clarity. He must look within himself and understand what’s going on too. 

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I compare myself to his ex's, to my past self, I think of false positives like "if I wear this shirt, I'll be more like my past self". I'm completely illogical. Even if I start to work on it, my mind will tell me "his ex never had to do this, you're so pathetic, he'll never love you like he loved her".

You are in fact completely logical. You’re just ignoring your feelings by placing his above your own, and experiencing directly that this doesn’t work. 

The next time you notice you are comparing yourself to his ex’s or to your past self....stop and point to these two things you believe you are comparing. Point to you, and point to his ex or your past self. You will see in your direct experience that you are you, and you are not actually making any comparison, with any actual thing, at all. Then, laugh, and enjoy the release of it, in the recognition of how ridiculous doing this has been. 

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If anyone has any tips on this, I would be really happy to hear. This behavior and cycle has been going on for about a year, and I'm sick of it. It's been making both of us miserable. I just really want to be able to accept that I'm a person who has made him miserable, without attaching it to feelings of inadequacy, never being enough, and always being stained by this past. 

You’re creating your own suffering by trying to accept that, because it isn’t true. How he feels is always up to him, not you. Obviously, you have your own feelings, and therefore can deduce this logically. 

“I just really want to be able to accept that I'm a person who has made him“  = “I want to know the infinite creator, the unconditional love, that I truly am, the make of all things”. 

Consider reading up on codependency, enablement, self esteem, and the healing properties of human tears. 

Make a dreamboard. Put everything that comes to mind, that you want to have, do, be, and experience in your life, on the board. Maybe a relationship with him is on that board, maybe it’s not. But in doing so, in and only in the direct experience of doing so, you have rightfully, logically, and emotionally, placed your own love, healing, and well being first. 

If my kids & I fly somewhere, every single time, like clockwork, before that plane takes off, the flight attended is going to tell me - “if the shit hits the fan on this flight & those oxygen masks drop down from the overhead - put your oxygen mask on first - before you help your kids”. You are not much help to him, or yourself, or anyone else - all hunched over & passed out. 

[LeoX8]

@mellifluous_mind listen, I know it sounds harsh but you did not made him miserable. Taking responsability for this is actually a good thing, but the way you are doing it will only lead to discomfort in your life. 

I think the best thing for you now is to take a step back and try your best to relax. Take an hour or so to just be present with yourself (if you want you can meditate or do some yoga). Even if the situation is serious don't overthink and overcomplicate all of this, you need to be present, focus and loving for analyzing this situation seriously. After you have relaxed yourself a bit you can start to ask yourself those questions:

What do I REALLY want out of my life? What do I REALLY want out of this relationship?

Take some serious time to answer those questions, the answers will be the blueprint of your life, take it seriously. 

I answered those questions in a simple way:

In my life I really want to be as much happy and loving as I can so I can enjoy my life so much that I can give all this happiness and love to others. 

In my relationship I want to be myself and express all of me without any limit, I also want to create an heaven in earth for my woman so that she can fully express herself too.

If your desire don't coincide with your partner desire, then it's probably time to end this relationship. If you want to be accepted by him and he doesn't you will just suffer by staying with him.

Don't feel so much guilt, you are a beautiful person: you want to change all yourself just for the sake of love. This intention comes from a beautiful place but don't change all of you because you are afraid of lose him, you are so much worthy. 

hope that this has helped<3