RAW thoughts

[mmKay]

I really enjoy blogging and I think I'll enjoy Vlogging as well. There is something about honestly sharing personal life in general that makes it feel meaningful and somewhat fulfilling.

Anyways, I'm tempted to stick with a public journal because it helps to materialize thoughts and put them in somewhat of a linear timeline.  My thoughts tend to be all over the place, and you could say that I take pride in chaotic thinking or " connecting dots " or whatever ( no, im not into conspiracy theories, even though my parens are neck deep in them )

Soo. . .

Couple things I wanted to write about.

I could stop going to the chiropractor.

I started going because I was worried about my back possibly snapping in half  because of that vertebrae slipping feeling, that turned out to be alright. I found that theory to be plausible because of my lifelong habit of sitting at school / home studying and obviously 16 hours per day WoW gaming since 2009 ( ? ). Good for me - there are no games that I enjoy playing right now. If Wrath of the Litch king was coming out this year , I'd be doomed.

Anyways, the chiropractor thing, I'm alright with back pain and she fixed my right shoulder impingement and my bicep tendinitis ( yeah you could say im quite fcked up for a 22 year old, 23 in december )  but I simply keep going because she is hot . Like really, sometimes I need to fap before going so that i won't get a boner when she releases  my hip tendon LOL. Kind of left my inner simp out there for a second xd. But thats aight .

 

I finished Life Purpose course after 3 years of procrastination, wrong turns , dead ends, loss of motivation, slacking off, meaninglesness, etc etc.I  Skipped the exercises from the last part of the course because I found myself thinking that I've already squeezed the sh1t out of my current worldview and I'm just beating around the bush.
Of course I'm rationalizing my slackiness but sometimes you gotta do babysteps to get out of a rut,  or being stuck in resistance .

I'm sure I'll get back to them once I get into doing Youtube videos ( yeah, thats a part of what turned out to be my LP )

Basically my issue with the course is my lack of life experience. Whole life in house with parents / siblings, at school or in front of the pc, therefore I'm quite limited in what my options are for a meaningful career / impact.

So what I want to do is simply get more life experience overall. Simply do Personal development Vlogs ( Like this but in video format ), edit videos and speak my thoughts to the camara. And with time, I'll get more clear what I want my life to be about. But Personal development, Creativity, Adventure, Connection and Wisdom are some of my top values. Obviously these words mean something different for everyone. I won't share what exactly they mean for me now. Cba.

 

Started going to the gym again, this time with my younger brother, which does make it way more expensive since  I'm paying for everything, but going with someone is totally worth it . Way more enjoyable and it did take me out of the rut I was in . Maybe I'll get him into calisthenics and he just comes with me to the park close to our house which would make it free, but I'm alright with paying some more months ( 100€ per month for both of us together  D A M N ) 

 

I really look forward to going to the gym, not for looking good naked or people mirin' my biceps or posting mirror selfies on IG, but I noticed how much lifting weights affects the impact of carbs on my body and mind . Usually after eating beans / rice and things like that I'd get brain fog and super tired, and turns out that If you deplete muscle glycogen or whatever by lifting weights, the carbs refill the muscles first and dont spike my bloodsugar enormously and therefore don't make me so fatigued, if I may put it in broscience.

Fasting makes me have a clear mind, but unhealthy relationship with food. Fasting, or even intermittent fasting , from what I've noticed, obviously makes me eat less, and therefore probably not meet the ammout of calories I need. Then I have to fight cravings and binge eating  ( usually at night ) even though I'm quite damn skinny ( 67 kg 179 cm , and a quite damn large skull  ) It may be psychological, as in a crutch to drown meaninglesness, procrastination and the paralisis of having so much freedom, it may be simply habit and ghreling hunger hormone spiking at night, or it may simply be my body yelling for more effin food because I eat so little .

Also eating carbs is somewhat adicting contrasted with Keto diet, but way less expensive and more convenient. I'll do keto when I'm rich (?)

 

I thought about buying a greenscreen setup for my room. I think I'd have so much fun with it. I'm just annoyed that the room isn't that soundproof ( I leave the windows open 24/7 ) and therefore I don't feel that comfortable speaking out loud.

I can't wait till I finish my camper van. So stoked for wandering around and vlogging . Its weird but I feel as if all of my life problems would vanish if I just had my van. Seems so meaningfull for me it's unreal. When I sit inside, I simply feel like at home, even more than at home . It's so weird.

 

That would be the one thing that I'd want to have materially. I'm and introvert generally, and the van is  a great way to invest into infrastructure and sistematically get out of my house to do things and meet people. Social isolation is one of  my weaknesess. I just stay in my mancave most of my day, besides when I go shopping, to the gym or to work.

 

This is getting quite long, but it was a good load off my mind. Ill cut it here and keep it up later.

 

[mmKay]

Just woke up. Yesterday I had day off work and didn't do much besides gym and scrolling through internet the whole day. 

Thats not bad contrasted with bingeing trash food or being sucked in by videogames. May have been more than a month since last time I played, I stoppes counting time. Good for me that I literally don't enjoy playing any game right now. 

 

What do I do with all this time? Damn, the scope of life (breadth * width) is so huge. I have so much freedom it's paralyzing. 

I didn't go to college to study psychology because I wanted to study personal development on my own. I don't regret it but it's about time I start taking my life more seriously. 

 

One of the essential steps is "journaling" for sure. No way that I can wing life just by thinking vague thoughts. This blogging or journaling is FOUNDATIONAL. 

 

Anyways. Whats up? 

 

My LP entails the skills of public speaking, acting, editing and recording. I've known this for a long time. I need to build a structure to get in the reps. 

One of the things that takes some weight off my shoulders is uploading the videos in "hidden" on youtube, as I'm doing with my brother's gym clips. 

This way I'm not that perfectionist on myself and can create a vid without overthinking too much. Just getting the practice in. 

 

I could buy a tripod for my phone, and maybe some basic microphone. I could look on second hand sites and I'd find something for sure. ( just checked, haven't found anything on first glance) 

 

The thing is how to keep motivated and commited? 

The truth is that I can keep working at my waiter job , come back home, eat food and sleep for the rest of my life. Most likely not much would stop me from that. 

It would be quite easy for me to just coast through life. 

For now I feel that I just have to use a little willpower and decision making to create a basic structure so it's easier for me to get out of my house consistently and Vlog / record videos. 

 

Basically, get the paperwork done with my Van and make a super basic build. That involves comunicating with my father, since he has to fix some mechanic aspects and he just keeps dismissing me doing whatever other things. 

Also theorize what could I already be doing with the van. Maybe putting the isolation and the floor or smth. 

Key point : comunicating the importance of this to my father. 

I mean I could easily just pay some mechanic to put in the last pieces and be done with it, but that would be stupid since my father is a mechanic. But if it takes him too long I will do it. 

That would be one big step towards a new Lifestyle and structure of my life. 

Greenscreen + tripod + soundproofing my room?  I could start by recording things with my phone and invest in more gear later. Having a greenscreen and somewhat of a studio would be another infrastructure for a lifestyle more aligned with my ideal life. 

 

Currently blogging from my phone. Damn it's such a swiss knife. You can do so much with it. I'm sure I'm not squeezing most of the potential from my smartphone. 

 

Simply jotting down some thoughts is already a huge plus. I will be using this tool way more. I used to write things down in a private chat with myself on Whatsapp, but thats not really optimal. Still better than nothing though. 

 

Getting quite long. Specific Takeaways:

Research how to build home studio. 

Talk with dad to finish the hecking van. 

Habit of blogging first thing in the morning to clear my mind. 

What else... 

Could go gym for stretching and mobility. Still sore from the chiropracter from yday. 

Have food little later, I don't want to fog out yet. 

Drink more water. Im cronically dehidrated. The structural fix would be invest in the 6 packs of 2liter water botles. 

Cold shower makes me feel real good. Sucks in the moment but later I never regret it. Also contributes towards building momentum and an upwards spyral. 

I could ride my bike with my gopro to quiet places where I could train talking to the camara. I could go to that promenade where I rode a lot through. 

 

I'll cut it here. Feel free to add whatever whenever. ( talking to myself here xd) 

[mmKay]

I set the intention of building a basic home studio. Pretty much inmediately found material to use as greenscreen ( bluescreen in my case ) 

Gonna look into lighting options . May buy some but I have so many lights laying aroud the house. I'n pretty sure I'll figure something out.

Now with that huge thing hanging from the wall in my bedroom I'll definately keep working on my movie making skills. If that isn't a reminder IDK what is. 

 

What else? Going to work now. Just working 30 hours/ week down from 40 per week. Thats great for me, but I'm still not making real use of the extra time. 

It's okay, slow and steady. Babystep the way into building a structure that supports the foundadional habits that the vision I have for my ideal life ( for now) entail, which would be public speaking, adventure, having likeminded friends, and personal development vlogging / movie making . 

My dad said he will be  busy for the next days, but after that probably he will finish my van. I'll ask if i should order some parts online or something. 

[mmKay]

Having this blog at my fingertips is such so amazing.

It's like texting  an imaginary best friend about the things that I would't share with everyone or that I feel would be obnoxious  to talk about daily ( Imagine texting a friend every day about personal development stuff, I mean it's one of my top passions but I'd find that tiring and exhausting, ) 

Anyways. Got back from work. Gym early tomorrow because I need to jump to work a sec for that boss meeting ( he never says anything important) 

I could skip it but I want to talk to the other owner of the restaurand about her paying my vacations that I hadn't taken last year. 

What more ? Talk with dad again. The van is important for me. Comunnicate this. 

Got started with the studio. Brainstorm light options and maybe sound isolation. Maybe look into portable greenscreens, etc. 

 

Drink water dude!  It's quite ridiculous how much I'm struggling with the lowest and one of the most basic human need LOL.

On the way back from the meeting buy 2 litre bottles. And some beans and meat. 

 

Is this it?  There is so much more I could be doing... 

 

Do some easy vlogging. I can grab my bike and gopro and practice talking to the camera in some quiet place, or one of my favorites, do it in my car. 

 

I want to start documenting my process. It would be so cool. Imagine doing this but in video , day by day, week by week and see all of the progres in 5 / 10 years. The potential is huge . 

 

Before aprooval from hot girls and classmates / friends was one of my core motivators in life, as for many many other young people ( mostly unconsciously) 

But since I've outgrown that, the only thing that seems to be meaningful is this, vlogging and sharing my life.

The most meaningful impact I'd like to have in the world, if any, and if I had to choose one would be this, honestly sharing the process of evolution throughout my life in a relatable way. 

No sugarcoating, no tryharding to look cool. Simply sharing life in a vulnerable and honest way. 

Seems quite meaningful to me. Idk why but it feels true and authentic , so I'll go with that. 

 

I had other desired impacts on the world but most of them dont feel that authentic at this stage of my life, like "contributing to the evolution of the inner game of the youth / mankind, or helping people to release trauma and find unconditional happiness, or become a " Dating coach" to help good men develop their skills with girls, etc.

I've brainstormed more but I'm texting this from my phone and I don't have my OneNote Journal at reach. 

 

More?  

Good for now. Tomorrow Gym, quick jump to work, shop and look into lighting and practice acting / editing. 

 

[mmKay]

Hmm. Another day passed by. Pretty much did gym , shopping and eating. 

Didn't really fall into any toxic patterns like bingeing shitty food or doing videogames etc. It's a plus I would say, but I feel like obviously I'm not talking enough action. 

If I already ate and went to work and shopped, my default state and gravity center is "isolation" in my house and scroll through the Internet, sometimes more productively than others. 

 

Thats one thing that I want to change over time. I feel it will fix itself once I have my van since I'll be travelling way more easily. 

About that, in a few days my dad said we'll finish the mechanic parts. 

I'd probably need to purchase some lights for the greenscreen. Lights that I have around the house look shitty, even though I havent put much effort into making them work. 

I don't like sitting in my room, its cold and the wall sockets are shitty.

When I sit in my van I feel like at home, more than at home.

Also I don't like when my mom gets drunk, it's so annoying. I've coped with it with my whole life. 

When I have my van I can simply drive somewhere and not deal with the situation. I could spend years of time and effort into trying to fix her, but I simply don't want to. And that's okay. 

 

Wow, I have drinked like  5 chugs of water only today. Bought the 2 litre bottles but for some reason I keep chronically dehydrating myself. 

 

I feel like I wanna go to the gym more often. Lifting and cardio on empty stomach makes me feel so damn good. 

I wish I could work out in the morning and only eat like before work or before bed so I could have that vigorous feeling for the whole day. 

 

You know what, I'll start somewhere. I'll just get into my car and talk to the camara about any típic or anything I want. 

When? When I'm in my car for some reason, like coming back from work. 

Where? Inside of my car, parked probably in front of my car. 

How? With phone, put it on the steeringwheel case with selfie camara. 

Make it a habit. I can delete the vid if I want to. 

Actually I could do super easy lighting in my studio room with some wood and lightbulbs and some screws, just got the idea.

So? Takeaways?  Go gym, talk to the camara, work on healthy mobility, keep working and saving and when the time comes to so some work on my van get it done, pay what needs to be paid. 

Start with super easy build and my bike. 

 

Gonna shower and off to work. Plan  the next day before going to sleep. 

 

PLAN THE NEXT DAY BEFORE GOING TO SLEEP.