How to Create a Sense of Stability

[soos_mite_ah]

@Nivsch I'm currently at school 

I don't really have friends. I was meaning to put myself out there more after spring break at my college but then the pandemic happened and I never went back to campus. 

As far as family goes.  I see and talk to them regularly since I currently moved back with them but I can't really talk to them about this type of stuff without getting yelled at or lectured. 

So no, I don't feel connected to my family and/or friends atm.

[Nivsch]

How you were in the past with the relationships issues and feel connected?

I think stability is not possible without integration of spirituality with conventional life style. One must have both.

What do you think about getting a job, even 1-2 shifts a week along with college?

Edited October 14, 2020 by Nivsch

[soos_mite_ah]

47 minutes ago, Nivsch said:

How you were in the past with the relationships issues and feel connected?

I did have a sense of stability because I felt that I had a network to fall back on so I didn't have to emotionally do everything on my own. This was about 4-5 years ago now. Back then, even though I had friends, I was still very depressed and suicidal even because of my circumstances at the time. I also recognize now that I was a little codependent on them at times but that's about it. I feel that comparing the possibility of me having friends now and me having friends then can muddy the waters considerably and misattribute factors because the number of things that are different now for me mentally. I thought I'd clarify that because or else it would be like comparing apples to oranges. But I will say that  having supportive people did make  me feel a little more secure because then at least when I would get emotionally overwhelmed, I could outsource some of the self soothing if that makes sense. 

52 minutes ago, Nivsch said:

I think stability is not possible without integration of spirituality with conventional life style. One must have both.

I agree, there needs to be some type of foundation of a conventional life style to get your basic needs met so that you can build spirituality on top of it. I guess that is one of the reasons why I am hesitant to go ahead and transcend my need for stability. I feel like that would be me skipping 5 steps. 

54 minutes ago, Nivsch said:

What do you think about getting a job, even 1-2 shifts a week along with college?

Thought about it and planned it out. However, because I'm currently back home, my parents who are getting quite old are hesitant to let me get out there and start working for the fear that I might bring back something that might endanger them. So that fell through. 

[kag101]

On 13/10/2020 at 0:38 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

Now as I am trying to dissolve the ego

Why are you trying to dissolve your ego?

On 13/10/2020 at 0:38 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

Is this a more constructive way of creating a sense of stability?

I think that focusing on Maslow's hierarchy of needs is a good way to create stability.

[Hello from Russia]

@soos_mite_ah

Quote

Thought about it and planned it out. However, because I'm currently back home, my parents who are getting quite old are hesitant to let me get out there and start working for the fear that I might bring back something that might endanger them. So that fell through. 

What? What could it possibly be?

[Mu_]

@soos_mite_ah lots of good advice here. I to was going to point out what pretty India and the other user said about stability. 

Hmmmm speaking from my own experience, something similar happened and brought me to question stability to, and in doing so I saw that since life is change and chaos of sorts, the only real stability is in accepting change and chaos. It is stability when you accept no stability as the natural foundation.  When I let this deeply in, it automatically shifted things, and change was less a problem and instead I was put face to face with the old emotion and thought patterns of wanting stability and an exact comfy experience I was hoping for. This of course brought on a new stage you could say, one in which took a level of courage and inner reminder and acceptance that life is change and to relax and not seek out/surrender these old wants and wishes. Ego backlash is another way of phrasing it. 

Another thing maybe to try and may be useful is to stop labeling yourself as ego and not ego. And instead of trying to get rid of ‘ego’ just change what is about your negative habits or patterns that influence your life. Make sure your doing it because you see and understand why it’s effecting you and not because you read some interpretation of what ego or enlightenment I and what your supposed to do to make that happen (most of this shit is just silly ideas and interpretations). But if you just change what isn’t working for you, it makes it so much more simple and in line with you and your life, not someone else’s spiritual dogma and beliefs.  

[soos_mite_ah]

5 hours ago, Mu_ said:

Another thing maybe to try and may be useful is to stop labeling yourself as ego and not ego. And instead of trying to get rid of ‘ego’ just change what is about your negative habits or patterns that influence your life. Make sure your doing it because you see and understand why it’s effecting you and not because you read some interpretation of what ego or enlightenment I and what your supposed to do to make that happen (most of this shit is just silly ideas and interpretations). But if you just change what isn’t working for you, it makes it so much more simple and in line with you and your life, not someone else’s spiritual dogma and beliefs.  

7 hours ago, kag101 said:

Why are you trying to dissolve your ego?

I think that focusing on Maslow's hierarchy of needs is a good way to create stability.

Yeah I see turning spirituality into a dogma as a problem as well. I guess for clarification, I'm using ego not so much of a transcendental enlightenment spiritual way but I guess more so in a practical self development way (I honestly don't know how else to phrase it). To me dissolving, or guess chipping way at the ego is a better way to put it, is like moving up the spiral or going up the cook greuter ego development stages because as you move up, you ego becomes less dense. I noticed that my ego would get really wrapped up around the notion of being smart and I was trying to unpack that. 

Funny thing is that I always saw myself as someone who is really open to change. I guess what this current state of backlash is showing me is that I'm only open to change as it still serves my survival agenda. I'm going to try to expand my openness to change going forward. I guess that's another good way to expand my sense of stability. 

The Maslow's hierarchy of needs I think is a good road map for people who are trying to create a solid foundation. Thank you for bringing that up

Edited October 15, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

7 hours ago, Hello from Russia said:

@soos_mite_ah

What? What could it possibly be?

My parents are scared of me bringing back the coronavirus. They're both old and my dad is also immunocompromised. 

I probably should've specified that detail lmao

[soos_mite_ah]

On 10/13/2020 at 10:07 AM, from chaos into self said:

What does stability mean to you? Ponder that question and you may find your answer on what to do about it.

I wanted to give myself a couple days to think about this before I gave an answer. Normally, I would just journal about it and not share it but I'm including this in this thread so that if anyone stumbles upon it, they can find it helpful. 

To me, stability means that I'm going to be ok even in changing circumstances. Change itself doesn't freak me out and if anything, I consider myself open to it. Ok means that I will have the following:

•  the means to pay the bills
• people who are uplifting to be around, decent career prospects
• independence
• a sense of progress
•  good mental health

Lately my grades have taken a dip and I have had to move back in with my parents because of the pandemic. I have put in parenthesis on which factors feel as though they are being threatened. 

The pandemic along with my grades have made  me feel as if I'm going to be unemployed in the future (career prospects). That threatens my ability to support myself (paying the bills) and be independent from my parents (independence) in the future. Coming back home has taken a toll on me mentally (mental health) because of issues I have with my parents (people who  are not uplifting) and feeling like I have regressed back to my childhood self thus causing this feeling of being stuck (threatens sense of progress). Also the ego backlash doesn't help either (mental health and sense of progress) 

I feel that before I used this notion of being smart as a way to fulfill these factors. If I'm smart I will be employed, I will gain my independence, I will find people who are good to be around, and I will make progress. But then my grades and the pandemic came in and showed me that there is no guarantees. 

Like @Preety_India said, thinking about the future for now is creating the sense of instability. Career prospects, paying the bills, and becoming independent are things that live for the most part in my future. They are not something that I'm currently encountering now so there is no need to put it in my forefront in my mind and start ruminating. Sense of progress can be resolved by recognizing that ego backlashes and stagnation can be part of the process of moving on up. As for being around uplifting people, I try to limit the amount of time I spend with my parents and call people occasionally. I guess going forward I can create a sense of independence and progress for myself through self discipline. 

I guess the factors that influence my sense of stability correspond with the following from Maslow's hierarchy of needs. @kag101 Thought I'd include this as well to show how I'm working things out again so that people can reference this as a potential example if they stumble upon this thread. 

• Paying the bills: Basic needs
• Independence: Esteem 
• Sense of Progress: Self Actualization
• Career prospects Basic needs (to support yourself) and Self Actualization (to pursue a life purpose) 
• People who are uplifting to be around: Belongingness and love (I don't need to be surrounded by people per se but I need to be around people who don't suck the life out of me at the very least) 
• Good mental health: has to do with all of them

Edited October 15, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[Nivsch]

On 14.10.2020 at 10:00 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

there needs to be some type of foundation of a conventional life style to get your basic needs

Not just as a foundation but as a way of living for all of your lifetime.

Not to just validate prior stages healthy sides, but be them. you will always need them. 

The question is how much do you live in your head rather than in your "tribe"?

In times when I felt disconnected to society and family members I was very anxious. It improved lastly. Thats why I insist on this point.

On 14.10.2020 at 10:00 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I was still very depressed and suicidal even because of my circumstances at the time

Can you explain what have you felt, and why do you think you have felt this

 

Edited October 15, 2020 by Nivsch

[kag101]

7 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I try to limit the amount of time I spend with my parents

Good.

I think you have to be strategic. I know that it can suck to go back living with your parents. But getting neurotic about that will not help. So I think it's important to be resilient, understand that it is something temporary, and find ways to not freak out (for example, limiting how much time you spend with them).

18 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I'm using ego not so much of a transcendental enlightenment spiritual way but I guess more so in a practical self development way (I honestly don't know how else to phrase it). To me dissolving, or guess chipping way at the ego is a better way to put it, is like moving up the spiral or going up the cook greuter ego development stages because as you move up, you ego becomes less dense. I noticed that my ego would get really wrapped up around the notion of being smart and I was trying to unpack that. 

Can you explain in greater detail what does it mean for your "ego" to be wrapped up around the notion of being smart?

7 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I wanted to give myself a couple days to think about this before I gave an answer. Normally, I would just journal about it and not share it but I'm including this in this thread so that if anyone stumbles upon it, they can find it helpful. 

To me, stability means that I'm going to be ok even in changing circumstances. Change itself doesn't freak me out and if anything, I consider myself open to it. Ok means that I will have the following:

•  the means to pay the bills
• people who are uplifting to be around, decent career prospects
• independence
• a sense of progress
•  good mental health

Lately my grades have taken a dip and I have had to move back in with my parents because of the pandemic. I have put in parenthesis on which factors feel as though they are being threatened. 

The pandemic along with my grades have made  me feel as if I'm going to be unemployed in the future (career prospects). That threatens my ability to support myself (paying the bills) and be independent from my parents (independence) in the future. Coming back home has taken a toll on me mentally (mental health) because of issues I have with my parents (people who  are not uplifting) and feeling like I have regressed back to my childhood self thus causing this feeling of being stuck (threatens sense of progress). Also the ego backlash doesn't help either (mental health and sense of progress) 

I feel that before I used this notion of being smart as a way to fulfill these factors. If I'm smart I will be employed, I will gain my independence, I will find people who are good to be around, and I will make progress. But then my grades and the pandemic came in and showed me that there is no guarantees. 

Like @Preety_India said, thinking about the future for now is creating the sense of instability. Career prospects, paying the bills, and becoming independent are things that live for the most part in my future. They are not something that I'm currently encountering now so there is no need to put it in my forefront in my mind and start ruminating. Sense of progress can be resolved by recognizing that ego backlashes and stagnation can be part of the process of moving on up. As for being around uplifting people, I try to limit the amount of time I spend with my parents and call people occasionally. I guess going forward I can create a sense of independence and progress for myself through self discipline. 

I guess the factors that influence my sense of stability correspond with the following from Maslow's hierarchy of needs. @kag101 Thought I'd include this as well to show how I'm working things out again so that people can reference this as a potential example if they stumble upon this thread. 

• Paying the bills: Basic needs
• Independence: Esteem 
• Sense of Progress: Self Actualization
• Career prospects Basic needs (to support yourself) and Self Actualization (to pursue a life purpose) 
• People who are uplifting to be around: Belongingness and love (I don't need to be surrounded by people per se but I need to be around people who don't suck the life out of me at the very least) 
• Good mental health: has to do with all of them

Very good ?????

Edited October 15, 2020 by kag101

[soos_mite_ah]

2 hours ago, Nivsch said:

In times when I felt disconnected to society and family members I was very anxious. It improved lastly. Thats why I insist on this point.

Can you explain what have you felt, and why do you think you have felt this

That's a very personal question and it has a long answer. I'll just leave it at I grew up in an unhealthy family and that took a toll on me for years until I was absolute done with life and irritated by everyone all the time. Around 2016 or so, I remember thinking, "hey I spent more than half of my life stressed, anxious, and depressed why should I continue like this?" Then I turned to self help and self development as an alternative to ending it. Mind you in that year I still had a solid group of friends and good grades. 

As time went on and as I worked through my trauma, I stopped resonating with my friends. Nothing happened, I simply outgrew them. Next thing I know I was left without a solid group of people to fall back on. It was difficult initially and I did go through feelings of anxiety and disconnection from society but eventually I learned how to be more emotionally independent and stopped basing my worth and sense of stability on the relationships I had or lack there of. I still don't have a group of friends but I nevertheless feel connected to society as a whole and I don't feel lonely super often.  That's not to say that I can't connect to people and that I won't ever make friends, I can certainly make friends but I am nevertheless at peace with solitude right now. 

1 hour ago, kag101 said:

Can you explain in greater detail what does it mean for your "ego" to be wrapped up around the notion of being smart?

I'm going to be honest, I don't know what more I can say at this moment. I already explained in a previous post how being smart felt like safety and why as well as what I mean by the ego. I don't know what exactly I'm missing. I need to contemplate that more because I'm not there, yet . 

[from chaos into self]

@soos_mite_ah you might want to meditate daily to find a sense of stability. I recommend either mantra meditation or being meditation.

 

 Any mantra would do and you can look up mantra online or make your own. Mantras are a word, syllable, or phrase of syllables that you repeat silently. Bonus points if saying the mantra has a rhythm to it. You say the mantra silently, in your mind. The goal is to find simplicity and calm. Effortlessness. When you waver from the mantra, that is okay, simply return your attention to the mantra. Keep the mantra you use to yourself - sharing it takes away from its power. An example mantra you might use is vasa. Or om.

 

 Being meditation - this is to practice awareness alone - pure being. Be aware of simply being. Ask yourself “what is it that is aware of my being,” “what is it that knows that I am.” It is not an experience at all it is simple recognition of one’s own existence.

 

breath meditation is also good - but I don’t personally like it and as such I don’t really know much about it.

 

 

I recommend a practice of fifteen or twenty minutes once or twice a day.
 

Meditation can be something that is stable in your life despite any obstacles or demands of the changing world. Who you are at the core is unchangeable - you are as you exist - what changes is thoughts and experiences and other such things - but the core nature of your being is always the same when you meditate on it. There is a core self in there that you can find. I personally use those two methods to find it. That core self can be stability for you.

 

 

Edited October 18, 2020 by from chaos into self