My body gets tense and stiff when it comes to dating and sex

[Don Wei]

hi guys, there are many things i'm not proud of.

First of all, I lost my virginity to two prostitutes. Why because I was just tired, and I did not care anymore, at that point I just wanted sex, and I did not care anymore how I would get it, or if it would be with a special someone, they say that things in your life get difficult, that that means something better is waiting for you... I guess that quote is bullshit then. The only way to improve your life is to improve yourself. As Eckhart Tolle said, hardships in life can only make you better or worse, you can't stay the same. But i'm not gonna complain about that, other people probably have a far more toxic and shitty dating life than me.

Second of all, the second time I almost had sex, but I was so nervous and stressed that I wasn't able to get an erection and even when I do get erections, the women never make me cum. This might be the most embarrasing post ever...

But that's not even everything, anytime I get of my comfort zone when it comes to dating and sex my entire body starts shaking and trembling, it get extremely tense and stiff to the point i'm not even able to hold a cup of coffee in my hand or walk normally.

I'm struggeling to write this post right now because I was talking to a chick on tinder and I just thought, fuck it i'm gonna ask her out. I just moved here in the netherland and she lives in another city than me so this is extremely out of my comfort zone. Also i'm 18 and she is 20. My legs are twitching and I feel shivers through my entire body.

I am nervous because I now see she replied something, but I haven't read it yet so i'm gonna do that right now quick.

 

She said yes guys, but there is a problem. There is gonna be a conference tommorrow where they are gonna decide if they are gonna make the covid measures more strict and if they do I won't be able to go out with her. So I indirectly asked her if it would be possible to hang out at her appartement also something i've never done before, 

Oh shit she just replied, wel i'm gonna check my messages again. (I'm still shaking uncontrollably and I feel a fear that I won't get a boner again if it escalates to the point where we have sex)

Well going at her appartement isn't an option, we haven't even met lol. But at least I tried. She did say that we could go out next weekend if the covid measures won't get stricter.

Anyway can you guys help me with this problem ? Is there something wrong with my body ? What is the cause of this ? Do you guys have the same problem ? Is there something wrong with my mindset ? Is my entire approach to dating maybe wrong ? 

Edited October 12, 2020 by Don Wei

[Preety_India]

 

This happens to nearly everyone. Even I would get tensed if I had to stand next to a stranger right now. Please be relaxed. Don't focus on it too much. If you focus on it, it will get worse. 

Let it flow. Allow your body those symptoms for a while ago when you begin to spend some time, these symptoms automatically go away as the body realizes there is no threat. You just need to give enough time for the body to relax. 

You're completely okay. 

 

Edited October 12, 2020 by Preety_India

[Sleyker]

Take a deep breath, feel your body more, shut the mind and focus on feeling. That performance anxiety comes from your mind just going wild with no control. Relax, nothing bad is gonna happen.

The most obvious solution to this is to just acquire tons of experience. As you gain more experience, you'll start relaxing more and more because it'll no longer be uncharted territory for you.

Now, for you to acquire tons of experience, you need to start talking to A LOT more girls. Don't be focused on just this chick you met on tinder (which btw, not the best use of your time if you want to get good at this). Approach many girls IN PERSON and text many girls.

It'll take time, but you have to do it, in 1-3 years from now you will be completely different. Treat every approach and girl you meet as experience you're gaining. You're so young that I would give up my left testicle to be 18 again and start working on my dating and sex skills actively.

[DreamScape]

You just need to expose yourself so much to it that your psyche evolves beyond the I dont get girls and I am shy paradigm. 

[universe]

You are making a big thing out of it. Which is understandable in your situation but won't help you and probably make you more stressed as you need to be.

Ask yourself: What are you afraid of?

Spend more time with the girl. More time getting comfortable with each other. Long foreplay. So that you can relax more.

Also doing the exercise in this video might be helpful.

 

[Byun Sean]

yeah just chill and think about it as a fun experience and just enjoy your time.

 

 If a catastrophe happens?

You can move on with a good story to tell.

[Leo Gura]

You simply lack experience.

Increase your XP by 100 fold.

[Guest EmptyVase]

I had similar issues, maybe this could help: My social anxiety stemmed from the fact of me being afraid of being myself. People pleasing^10. This made me afraid, because every word, every action I took, was calculated, completely overthought and came not from myself. Many filters, standing between my authentic personality and a fake, externally adjusted personality. I'd put on a mask, which I confused for myself. As I realized, how much suffering this has created, all of my social anxiety flew out the window. I said "enough of this people pleasing shit". I let it go.

Focusing on being myself and being comfortable with it, regardless of what others think, was extremely helpful for this issue. Comes with a few extra benefits:

People love you for your mistakes, not for you being a perfect, "error free" construct (pick up has made that even worse for me). 

Realize, that being yourself comfortably is your natural state. Being yourself is actually effortless! But it feels like an effort, because you have created so many boundaries, adapted so many filters, to please the people around you, in order to maintain your social status (which paradoxically may sink). Always keep in mind, that to be yourself, you don't have to do ANYTHING! It is already within you. The moment you ask yourself, what you should say, it's already not coming from within. Just blurt it out.

The book of pook and Leo's How to Be Funny video (and maybe a mushroom trip) helped me out of that hole.

[Preety_India]

2 minutes ago, EmptyVase said:

pick up has made that even worse for me). 

How has pick up made it worse for you? 

I didn't get this statement. 

 

[Don Wei]

@EmptyVase I do feel like I overthink a lot when talking to women. And everytime I do that I just forget what I wanted to say. I have also been a huge people pleaser, I was a boyscout (literally) in a stage red environment, imagine that. People even other boyscouts take advantage of that weakness and inability to stand up for yourself. Always having to think about a comeback just in case someone tries to bully you, or trying to fit in. That was terrible.

[Don Wei]

@Leo Gura so I guess I shouldn't worry if this date goes succesful ? I mean it's all just experience, I know I'll get better in the long run. But I still feel a need to not mess this up, it's pretty ironic  I spend so much time trying to improve myself, I wanted to literally be completely perfect a year ago, which I don't really know if it's even possible. But in the end I still haven't dated a lot.

[Guest EmptyVase]

16 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

How has pick up made it worse for you? 

It has created further constructs of "the right things to say/do", on top of what was already blocking my true personality. That made me even more neurotic and ultimately, socially incapable. I was buried in fear and pick up material. Maybe with not being afraid who I am, I could make use of them now, without them toxically affecting me.

@Don Wei So sorry to hear that. You're on your way out!

Overthinking vs. Blurting out. If you would talk with someone, who do you think would be more enjoyable to talk to?

[Leo Gura]

43 minutes ago, Don Wei said:

I spend so much time trying to improve myself, I wanted to literally be completely perfect a year ago, which I don't really know if it's even possible.

You always were perfect. That's the key to get.

[Hello from Russia]

@Don Wei What is perfection? Who decides what is perfect?

[Bando]

@Don Wei Hahahaha remember these days kid, it will be something funny to look at once you get better at stuff like this.

This date is most likely not going to go well and so will the next 5. The problem isn't "you" but simply you just dont have enough experience. One of the biggest lessons I learned from pickup is that if your afraid to "lose" the girl your actions are going to be congruent with that frame. You give off a "Im not used to girls showing me attention" vibe and they have a 6 sense for it. Handling this part is the most essential key for getting women to be attracted to you. They only way to combat this is to talk to many many girls its as simple as that. Find a way to go out and meet girls whether at a venue, park, social gathering, tinder and just TALK TO THEM.

I see people on this part of the forum giving terrible advice to guys who don't have any experience with women to "work on yourself and let them come to you" but this just isn't true. No matter how much mediation, working out or whatever other self improvement you do, if you want to get good with girls you must have a plethora of infield experience. 

Ofc to get the best results you need to work on yourself but going out and talking to a lot of women will solve like 80% of all of your issues. 

[FlowerNote]

Bro, I feel exactly where you are coming from. I lost my virginity in a similar way. I am still struggling with it. Dont really have advice for you just know you are not alone. Its embarrasing AF when your body starts shaking just because sex is a possibilaty. Feels unmanly and unhuman. We will get through it though bro. Meditate, work out, Nofap.

[Cepzeu]

As Leo said, you simply lack experience. I went through a very similar thing. I didn't ejaculate the first 5-6 times I had sex because I was so nervous and self-conscious. This is a big deal for you and you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself and forming high expectations. This is completely normal and will go away with time to where it becomes no big deal and you can just enjoy yourself. 

Give yourself permission to be awkward, practice self-love, gain experience. 

[Matt Skinner]

Dude I heavily relate to this and am still working on it myself. But what has helped me is just working on myself/learning about dating, increasing my consciousness, and, as Leo said, more experience. Failing enough times with a healthy mindset reduces anxiety because you become desensitized to your fear of failure. Also increasing your consciousness (meditation, yoga, psychedelics, etc.) has made me less neurotic and attached to the outcome. Realizing relativity and intrinsic perfection allows for authenticity and reduces neediness.

Leo has an older video about dating that I remember with the acronym CHED (like Chad ?) — Confidence, Humor, Edginess, Detachment from outcome.

Edited October 14, 2020 by Matt Skinner

[Beard]

On 10/12/2020 at 8:29 PM, EmptyVase said:

I had similar issues, maybe this could help: My social anxiety stemmed from the fact of me being afraid of being myself. People pleasing^10. This made me afraid, because every word, every action I took, was calculated, completely overthought and came not from myself. Many filters, standing between my authentic personality and a fake, externally adjusted personality. I'd put on a mask, which I confused for myself. As I realized, how much suffering this has created, all of my social anxiety flew out the window. I said "enough of this people pleasing shit". I let it go.

Focusing on being myself and being comfortable with it, regardless of what others think, was extremely helpful for this issue. Comes with a few extra benefits:

People love you for your mistakes, not for you being a perfect, "error free" construct (pick up has made that even worse for me). 

Realize, that being yourself comfortably is your natural state. Being yourself is actually effortless! But it feels like an effort, because you have created so many boundaries, adapted so many filters, to please the people around you, in order to maintain your social status (which paradoxically may sink). Always keep in mind, that to be yourself, you don't have to do ANYTHING! It is already within you. The moment you ask yourself, what you should say, it's already not coming from within. Just blurt it out.

The book of pook and Leo's How to Be Funny video (and maybe a mushroom trip) helped me out of that hole.

Well said! I still catch myself falling into people pleasing at times, then ask myself : what would I do if I were the only one watching? That brings me back to effortlessness everytime. Ive also noticed effortlessness enhances everything I do including things like basketball, making music and working out. There's no formula that can out think flow.

[Guest EmptyVase]

1 hour ago, Beard said:

what would I do if I were the only one watching?

That's a great question to ask!

1 hour ago, Beard said:

There's no formula that can out think flow.

Absolutely, flow is great in literally any situation you can imagine. It sure is helpful to remind yourself of that, when feeling stuck and too much in the head.