Having to change my personality to get basic needs met

[ColeMC01]

So i want your guys help about this. I have a bit of a toxic mindset and victim mentality which i would like to fix. I am a decent looking (not good though), fairly intelligent, very logical, analytical, a bit shy (not a lot), kind, caring, not flirty, a bit serious but sarcastic sometimes, good listener, able to effortlessly put myself in other shoes, mature, good at creating rapport and comfort, not very bold or daring, very humble, honest, trustworthy, not edgy, not physical, good eye contact. So these are my traits in a nutshell according to most of society ( i am 22 btw). So these traits dont work like this to get a girl and therefore i am forced to change them. I feel like having to change my personality is a very difficult, cruel and unnecessary thing to do since i never had a problem making good friends or getting my way in life with these traits. It is simply for the purpose of getting my basic needs met, which are the need for sex and romantic love. What would be a good mindset for me to be okay with changing my personality for the sole purpose of getting these needs met. I have tried but made little progress, it is very very difficult and requires years of intense work. It feels almost like i am handicapped and have to extra struggle for this. I would really appreciate a more healthy way to re frame this in my mind. And please, the "dont be a bitch",  "others have it worse" things dont work, i have tried these phrases but could not get any benefit from them. I know solving it is by interacting with more girls, but how do i re frame it in a way that it does not seem like heavy work and punishment. I honestly do not see any other benefit in my life by changing my personality other than having these basic needs met. I am very happy with everything else. 

Edited October 12, 2020 by ColeMC01

[Thestarguitarist14]

Have you ever heard of eft tapping?  Give it a go:

One thing that I have learned is that you DO NOT want to step to women with the idea of you needs being met.  That is still being needy.  Women from the ages of 18-40 do not care about your needs.  They will ghost you in a heart beat.

 

Your best bet is to met your own needs so tat when you are around women you can just be yourself and attract women who like you for you.

Edited October 12, 2020 by Thestarguitarist14

[Preety_India]

 

Just be Yourself. You you you. 

You'll realize one day that neediness is not good. 

 

 

[vizual]

What do you mean? It sounds like you are the perfect dream man according to your own description of yourself lol. Do you ask women if they want to go out with you?

 

But anyway, you say you aren't very bold, not physical. Try going to the gym, pump some iron, gain some strength. Will give you some confidence and you will come off as more bold to women.

[Chakra Lion]

5 hours ago, ColeMC01 said:

What would be a good mindset for me to be okay with changing my personality for the sole purpose of getting these needs met.

So you want to sell your Soul for Sex, ay?
You should never change for someone or something else. Only change because you want to. And if you do want to change, then you have to change for yourself. Start thinking of it that way. You want to change yourself for your self. And when you find peace in who you are, you will be a magnet to others that want that. Have confidence my friend. 

Cant you just imagine it? You fall in love, it feels so great, on top of the world, your heart is so open, your always high. But soon after you changed into a fake person for some girl, the lovey dovey shit will eventually fade. Your love will either mature  or after some time you’ll separate. And now what? Change again for another being. Who’s life are you living?

PS: You don’t carry a trait you don’t have. Not being edgy or not being physical is not you ?

Edit: I thought about what I wrote in the PS and then I understood that you writing not physical or not bold means that you view those characteristics as the right ones. So either you achieve physicality and boldness, or you find peace with being more mental and spiritual, and calm and rational. 

Edited October 12, 2020 by Chakra Lion

[ajai]

"Person's personality represents the possibility of that person ."

@ColeMC01  The word Personality comes from the Latin word "Persona", where it originally referred to a theatrical mask.

In literature, substantial work is done by profound authors of antiquity, where the term refers to a character established by the author, one in whose voice a narrative takes place.

So, we can say that personality is  a very misunderstood term in this day n age, it's actually a facade that we put to act out in a given particular situation or in front of others in society, because it's hard to digest being "yourself", desired results are hard to get if we go by just being ourselves, because from the inside we know "I am crap", but to get the cutey you have to act like the best man on the planet or else you know you not getting her. The whole problem is to "Get" things we want.

5 hours ago, ColeMC01 said:

good mindset for me to be okay with changing my personality for the sole purpose of getting these needs met

Good mindset would be to not be "okay" with your existing facade, because as in this case it's evident it's not working, so we gotta change the mask.

5 hours ago, ColeMC01 said:

how do i re frame it in a way that it does not seem like heavy work and punishment

Reframing your mask seem like heavy work and punishment so either you change it or live with the results, choice is yours.

How will you change it ? First you gotta be working on yourself get yourself acquainted with the "basic needs" you talked about - 

5 hours ago, ColeMC01 said:

which are the need for sex and romantic love

these are the basic needs you want to meet right, so first make yourself aware with, What is Sex? and how it works, read about it , do research about it same goes for, What is Romance ? read about it, there is a whole lot of work done, you'll find brilliant Romantic Novels from Romanticism, you can get key insights from there which you might try being the protagonist of your dream land trying to get your dream princess?,

5 hours ago, ColeMC01 said:

not flirty

develop this mask, really important for meeting the needs you talked about, how in the world you are expecting to be ROMANTIC without being flirty, c'mon man it's an Art be a good artist do it like no one ever did it before, it's good that you are not flirty which means there's an immense scope to learn and understand the artistry involved in flirting, research bruh do your research, nobody will come and spoon feed you this alright you gotta get up stop resting your ass, enough have you rested it already, may god bless you with a lot of hot chicks and cuties and may you meet all your fucking and flirty needs?. Stay blessed.

[ColeMC01]

Guys you need to understand that I AM being myself. I have no problem making friends and everyone i know considers me very honest, real, no bs, and straightforward guy. I dont change my personality for anyone nor my beliefs and values so i am NOT pretending. If i was i would have difficulty attracting ANYONE by default but it is just attracting girls ROMANTICALLY. I did not paint myself as the ideal guy, i mentioned flaws too. And im quite muscular and fit so its not about working out either. Saying you re being needy is like telling to a starving african you re being needy for food. You CANT really help it. Im sex libido is on the lower end for a guy but still. Its not something i can just solve by “working on myself” when it comes to these needs dissapearing by themselves. I have almost no experience with girls so ofc im gonna be a bit needy, its just human at my situation. Im not budha

Edited October 12, 2020 by ColeMC01

[Preety_India]

@ColeMC01  just go out and meet a lot of girls. It seems like you don't have much to work on yourself since your life looks pretty much sorted out to me.. So that angle is solved. What you need is experience with women. So talk to a lot of them, gradually you will find the one that you like or someone with whom your chemistry is working, someone who finds you compatible to her and she likes your company. That way you land the girl. 

By telling people here you won't find her. You need real practice. Go to different places and socialize and you'll find a girl. 

Attracting a girl is not just about you and your skills but also about finding the right person to have a connection. By meeting just 1 girl, you can't have it. You need to meet several women in many different places. Don't hang out in bars, maybe they will reject you. 

Also don't go for the hottest girl. Try out average girls around you, they are more likely to accept you. That way you get a girlfriend. Having a steady girlfriend gives you a lot of opportunities to learn how to talk to a woman and enjoy her company. 

This is some hard work. You should also have money to take her out. Be talkative. Talk a lot to her. Travel with her. Be her best buddy. 

Its not gonna happen without showing interest in many women. You try many and at least you find one that has a chemistry with you.. 

It's not so much about you but how much effort and investment you put into it. 

You just aren't trying. 

Much of the experience that guys get is direct and that's how they actually learn, not by some guru. 

@ColeMC01 also learn to take rejection and take it as fun. Don't get upset.

 

Edited October 12, 2020 by Preety_India

[ajai]

49 minutes ago, ColeMC01 said:

I dont change my personality for anyone nor my beliefs and values so i am NOT pretending

Bruh...

49 minutes ago, ColeMC01 said:

budha

Being a Budha shouldn't be considered a Utopia. Do you mind if I ask, Who is a "Budha" ?

[ColeMC01]

@Preety_India I have interacted with like 100 women in last 2 years. NONE were attracted. It is not about CONNECTION it is about attraction. I have no difficulty building connections. It is easy for me. They just think of me as a great guy but not bf. You re amazing but i feel nothing for you. This statement is story of my life

Edited October 12, 2020 by ColeMC01

[ColeMC01]

@ajai So being someone that changes himself to fit the crowd is what you want for me?

Budha i meant someone that can get basic humans need met without getting them met. So to force himself not to desire sex or love

[Preety_India]

@ColeMC01  sorry about that. I'm not sure what to say if the attraction is missing. 

Maybe read some books on how to build attraction.  

You said in your original post that you are not flirty. That's a huge problem. 

I've never been attracted to men who aren't flirty. That's fundamental to me. I get bored if the guy isn't flirty. That's a standard trait. 

Not flirting with a woman is like keeping her dry. 

You need to know how to make a woman wet. 

That's a key thing. 

After all this is romance and not a friendship festival. 

For that learn push pull romantic games. Try to tease her, dominate her, romance her, drop sexual cues and signals, appreciate her beauty and body, if you have a great rapport with her you could touch her arms or hold her sometimes, just flirt a lot to show you're interested, sometimes piss her off, act detached, act like a punk, start a fight over nothing, white knight her, build sexual tension, act arrogant, simp her, create sexual pressure by acting desperate for her sexual attention, overpower her verbally, show that you care but dominate, be affectionate but dominating, try to kiss her, show sexual interest.

I can't get more ideas. 

 

Basically seduce her. 

 

Good luck. 

 

[Preety_India]

@ColeMC01  I forgot one more thing. 

Don't put effort around a woman who is not getting seduced easily. Bad try. 

Part of my issue or weakness was that I was getting seduced pretty easily. So the guys had no trouble in seducing me. 

My ex seduced me in the very first conversation to sex. 

So. You need to hunt for women who are more easily seduced. Won't work with women who are tougher with men. Or who are too closed off. 

 

Be a bad boy for sometime. Just for show and edginess.. Not actual bad boy.. 

Play cheap games. Be flirty and fun. 

Remove that nice boy image. Image makeover. Get down and get dirty. Get flirty and dirty.. 

 

 

Edited October 12, 2020 by Preety_India

[ColeMC01]

@Preety_India That is what the post was all about. That stuff is not at all who i am. You are telling me to change my personality. "Piss her off", "start fights over thing". How would you feel if i told you to change who you are to get some love. It is fucking cruel. I know these things work and i should do them but it just feels like i am changing myself and i dont want that. I would want it if i saw growth as a person but i dont see any reason why doing these things would improve me as a person. Its just selfish behavior to get your dick wet. It does not apply to other areas in your life, they re doing amaizing without this behavior. Thanks for the advice, it is good in itself

[Preety_India]

@ColeMC01 people do anything for love and you can't do this much? 

Say sexual things to the woman, say things like "I'll **** your brains out" or "I'll make you feel really good" "I wanna touch you everywhere" 

My bf used to say these things like 200 times a month. Uh lol.. 

Read the lines of romantic songs and blurt it out. 

Show some machoism. 

If she considers it as sexual harassment, bad luck. 

 

Bruh, change your nerdy self. In the jungle you need to become Tarzan, not schoolboy. 

 

 

Edited October 12, 2020 by Preety_India

[Gesundheit]

@ColeMC01 Think of attraction like a tug of war that you have to keep going forever. You don't pull nor push too much, because you don't want to win or lose. You want to keep playing forever. You have to keep the tension medium so that others will be able to stay interested. If you win or lose, the attraction dies. You have to stay within their range.

The two extremes you could possibly be demonstrating:

1. Too much care and attention. Being too good/nice. Being too generous. Lacking boundaries.
2. No attention at all. Being toxic. Being bad. Closing off all doors for connections.

It could be that either of these extremes is causing women to lose their interest in you. My guess is that it's probably the first one. What do you think?

Edited October 12, 2020 by Gesundheit

[ajai]

16 minutes ago, ColeMC01 said:

So being someone that changes himself to fit the crowd is what you want for me?

Being someone that changes himself or to say in a better way adjust or adapt to any Situation no matter what it is hell, heaven or be it crowd for that matter ( in words of Bruce Lee "be like water my friend", water can be filled into any vessel yet it is water, the essence of it never changes generally speaking )

And I want it not only for you my brother, I want it for everybody you me or anyone else, 

25 minutes ago, ColeMC01 said:

Budha i meant someone that can get basic humans need met without getting them met. So to force himself not to desire sex or love

Okay, but also see:

A Buddha is one who has attained Bodhi; and by Bodhi is meant wisdom, an ideal state of intellectual and ethical perfection which can be achieved by man through purely human means. The term Buddha literally means enlightened one, a knower.

Bodhi in Hindi is written as " बुद्धि "

which is Intelligence or Wisdom, and it helps a person to understand new situations properly and to adapt with them. Wisdom can also be understood as 'the ability to process information'.

Know more about Budha and Buddhism:

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/1958/02/the-meaning-of-buddhism/306832/

[ajai]

29 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

After all this is romance and not a friendship festival. 

[ColeMC01]

@Preety_India It is not about core confidence or being too needy with her. I have strong boundaries and am not overly nice. I am just neutral, i act normal i dont do that push pull bs cuz it feels weird and unnatural to me. 

[Preety_India]

@ColeMC01 ahh, but you need to do it to attract women 

Women like fun games.