Feeling bad from being a bit of a drama queen, love some new perspectives

[electroBeam]

Would love to hear some new positive perspectives if you don't mind.

There's a recurring pattern going on, and its the 2nd time this has happened.

I sort of go overboard with freaking out about energy raising up to my head. Freak everyone around me out, then once it goes up to my head, barely anything happens, and then there are these aftermath feelings of sadness from misleading people, misleading myself, causing unecessary suffering to others, and wasting people's time.

The first time this happened, the egoic I was in the shower, contemplating, went too deep, then forgot who he was and freaked out. This happened repetitively throughout the day for a couple of weeks. Told everyone around him that he is getting dementia and schizophrenia... and then finally the energy raised up and boom, an extremely tiny, subtle shift/insight occured where there's no world out there, and all there is, is appearances. And then a realization that all of the fear from getting dementia was literally just fear of that insight. So then there's no fear anymore and just people around me worried about me. And having to explain I'm all good.

Then a few weeks later that energy comes back and is scary again. Thinking that the dream itself is gonna  devolve into some psychotic nightmare. For the past week and a half, I've had a super strange issue where after eating food, my heart rate would increase to 150bpm my body went numb and i felt massive energy raising to my head. And light headedness. I thought i had cancer, was gonna die, heart disease, extremely bad hypothyroidism and that i was gonna die. I went to the hospital 4 days ago because the energy raised massively and i thought thats it its the end of me im having a heart attack or a serotonin imbalance and im gonna end up in some scary psychotic episode... it happened exactly after eating food. I started eating food just once a day because i was so scared of this feeling that i was too scared to eat. And i broke my food up into pieces and ate it every 30 minutes and did that for a week. I was so sure i had a fatal case of diabetes, and that by breaking up the food i was lowering my sugar levels. The hospital said i was perfectly fine. I went to the GP and i told him my issues. He thought i was having a stress response to food. I said no way, these are physical symptoms. He checked my blood pressure and heart rate and they were at extreme levels but he still said its a stress response. And i said but im getting dizzy and he said yeah but the only real symptom you have is deep fear, you're not uncoordinated or swaying. Thought about that, and that was true. Then later thought about that more and couldn't really remember why i was so scared in the first place. And then i just realized i was just afraid of letting go. And so i just let go(clearing all the health illnesses out of my head) and then all that happened was a very subtle shift/insight that all of reality has no limits and therefore its everything you can dream of. And then again at that very moment i realized my entire freak out week was just freaking out over that insight. On the same day i ate my food at a normal pace and literally nothing happened. It was all normal again. That entire week was purely psychological. And i made such a huge drama over it. And now im left with the after math of my freak out, with nothing really to show for it, no actual issues. 

I feeling sort of shit right now that all of my issues were psychological and quite frankly arent there anymore. I was believing stuff outside of the present moment(again) and jumping the gun. The doc said I looked more scared then people who actually have severe dizziness which put things into perspective for me. Just sort of a sense of regret, because what i feared was so subtle, it was such a non issue, and it disrupted my career and people around me for no reason. 

[WonderSeeker]

First of all I'm sorry to hear that you've experienced such fear, it sounds pretty frightening.

It seems to me that you are a thinker type, and from that you generate some solid insights. But integrating those insights into the dream can be problematic and triggers some unwanted thoughts and the thoughts can translate into the body. Maybe try doing Byron Katie's The Work. If you have her book, Loving What Is, she has a chapter (11) which talks about doing The Work on the body. "The Work" is just a series of introspective questions that you impose on thoughts to see that they cause self-deception. 

For example:

20 minutes ago, electroBeam said:

I feeling sort of shit right now that all of my issues were psychological and quite frankly arent there anymore.

Is that true?
Can you absolutely know that's true?
How do you react to the thought?
Who would you be without that thought?

After reading that book and doing the exercise I feel like a different person. That's my perspective on working with difficult stuff. 

Hope this helps! Be well~

[Chris365]

@electroBeam , do you have any grounding techniques,  that keep you in the present moment? When you become aware that you're lost in thought, you can apply and snap out of it.

I'm not experiencing fear like you, but I can get ruminating thoughts about various things.  When I become conscious of that,  I have a little script prepared that I go through, which leads to breaking the chain of thought. It goes like this for me - each line I 'feel' deep with my whole body

Let go of control

Let go of the past

Let go of egoic thought stories

Surrender to what is 

Love whatever arises

 

You can find what works for you in letting go, fear,  illusion etc and build an automatic response when the fear and accompanying thoughts arise again.

It needs some repetition practice in the beginning , but after that it's almost subconscious

[electroBeam]

@WonderSeeker thanks!

@Chris365 thanks for that script, that may help. yeah most of the time its the present moment, but whats challenging is the energy feeling because its like an unexpected/unprepared psychedelic breakthrough. Its the unexpectedness of it happening(happens random time of the day) which is the challenging part. But its gone now, it will come back im sure.

[Shin]

Is the shift/insight a radical change in perspective in your reality.

Like one moment everything is normal, and then you really feel like everything is immaterial and/or in your head, or is it an insight in the sense that "I got it" conceptually ?

Edited October 10, 2020 by Shin

[electroBeam]

16 minutes ago, Shin said:

Is the shift/insight a radical change in perspective in your reality.

Like one moment everything is normal, and then you really feel like everything is immaterial and/or in your head, or is it an insight in the sense that "I got it" conceptually ?

Ooo love this question.

For there to be a radical shift, there must be a real prior perspective and a real post perspective. And there must be an I thought or ego that experiences the prior perspective, and the post perspective and can compare them and make an assessment that this new perspective is radically different to the previous perspective.

But the ego is actually connected to the perspective itself. So what ends up happening is, the ego dies with the perspective. So as the new perspective arises the old ego isn't there. The old ego died with the old perspective. So you literally can't compare the new perspective to the old perspective because you've forgotten as soon as the shift happens.

So I'd say you don't feel like everything is different, because the old ego isn't in the new perspective and therefore can't feel its difference. It just feels like "yep i was pretending to be in that dream and now I'm not, and this is how its always been for eternity and ive forgotten what that old dream was like".

Yeah so thats what is meant by subtle shift.

And btw, the forgetting part is where the fear comes from.

Edited October 10, 2020 by electroBeam

[Shin]

14 minutes ago, electroBeam said:

Ooo love this question.

For there to be a radical shift, there must be a real prior perspective and a real post perspective. And there must be an I thought or ego that experiences the prior perspective, and the post perspective and can compare them and make an assessment that this new perspective is radically different to the previous perspective.

But the ego is actually connected to the perspective itself. So what ends up happening is, the ego dies with the perspective. So as the new perspective arises the old ego isn't there. The old ego died with the old perspective. So you literally can't compare the new perspective to the old perspective because you've forgotten as soon as the shift happens.

So I'd say you don't feel like everything is different, because the old ego isn't in the new perspective and therefore can't feel its difference. It just feels like "yep i was pretending to be in that dream and now I'm not, and this is how its always been for eternity and ive forgotten what that old dream was like".

Yeah so thats what is meant by subtle shift.

 

Be more gentle to yourself, you are literally coming back from a different reality (relatively speaking to your ego as of now), that must feel really scary and uncomfortable.

It happened to me only in dreams, and even then when I was waking up, it was really messy emotionally speaking for the whole day(s), so if it happens in the waking state, I can't even begin to imagine how much more harder it might be.

So what I would do at your place, is to be really gentle with yourself, cause you're judging yourself a lot for having a difficult time.
It's kinda telling yourself that you're stupid for going into a specific street because out of the blue 5 bullies beat you up.

What would you do if your best friend were in a situation like this ?
You would try to cheer him up or being super nice and non judgemental no ( I hope so ) ?
Do the same in any situation where you find yourself having a hard time

Edited October 10, 2020 by Shin

[electroBeam]

@Shin you genius

"that must feel really scary and uncomfortable"

Don't worry, the uncomfortableness and scaryness dies with the old ego so its fine 

You could be in world war 2, and it wouldnt matter because world war 2 would die with the old ego and just be a faded memory.

Not saying people who go through world war 2 dont matter. They do and my heart goes out to them.

Edited October 10, 2020 by electroBeam

[Nahm]

@electroBeam

Shift from the arising perspectives to breathing from the stomach, feeling into what the energy is in a literal direct sense. 

[Shin]

27 minutes ago, electroBeam said:

@Shin you genius

"that must feel really scary and uncomfortable"

Don't worry, the uncomfortableness and scaryness dies with the old ego so its fine 

You could be in world war 2, and it wouldnt matter because world war 2 would die with the old ego and just be a faded memory.

Not saying people who go through world war 2 dont matter. They do and my heart goes out to them.

If you're totally fine when you go back to the illusion of ElectroBeam as a self, then what's the problem ?

Edited October 10, 2020 by Shin

[zeroISinfinity]

Feeling bad about being drama queen? 

 

That's where all the fun is.

One ith perspective and perspective is Infinite Love baby. 

Ok I'll go cleaning up my room now dad. Talking to much. 

Well it could be GTA 6?

Or if I follow recent  cultural influences of this place. Hentais?! 

Edited October 10, 2020 by zeroISinfinity

[Carl-Richard]

Do you think this is related to the massive dose of MAOIs that you talked about?

[electroBeam]

7 hours ago, Nahm said:

@electroBeam

Shift from the arising perspectives to breathing from the stomach, feeling into what the energy is in a literal direct sense. 

Thanks! Helpful!

5 hours ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Feeling bad about being drama queen? 

 

That's where all the fun is.

One ith perspective and perspective is Infinite Love baby. 

Ok I'll go cleaning up my room now dad. Talking to much. 

Well it could be GTA 6?

Or if I follow recent  cultural influences of this place. Hentais?! 

1 hour ago, Carl-Richard said:

Do you think this is related to the massive dose of MAOIs that you talked about?

Took a RIMA not a MAOI

[Javfly33]

All I see is a great "trip" withouth taking anything ! How could you ask for more? ?

Honestly, man, reading some paragraphs of those made me a little sad (in the empathic way, I mean, not judging, like, at all). 

Amazing how we end up believing stories from our thoughts and making ourselves such fictional hells when reality is always Ok... I can empathize.

 

[Mu_]

9 hours ago, electroBeam said:

Would love to hear some new positive perspectives if you don't mind.

There's a recurring pattern going on, and its the 2nd time this has happened.

I sort of go overboard with freaking out about energy raising up to my head. Freak everyone around me out, then once it goes up to my head, barely anything happens, and then there are these aftermath feelings of sadness from misleading people, misleading myself, causing unecessary suffering to others, and wasting people's time.

The first time this happened, the egoic I was in the shower, contemplating, went too deep, then forgot who he was and freaked out. This happened repetitively throughout the day for a couple of weeks. Told everyone around him that he is getting dementia and schizophrenia... and then finally the energy raised up and boom, an extremely tiny, subtle shift/insight occured where there's no world out there, and all there is, is appearances. And then a realization that all of the fear from getting dementia was literally just fear of that insight. So then there's no fear anymore and just people around me worried about me. And having to explain I'm all good.

Then a few weeks later that energy comes back and is scary again. Thinking that the dream itself is gonna  devolve into some psychotic nightmare. For the past week and a half, I've had a super strange issue where after eating food, my heart rate would increase to 150bpm my body went numb and i felt massive energy raising to my head. And light headedness. I thought i had cancer, was gonna die, heart disease, extremely bad hypothyroidism and that i was gonna die. I went to the hospital 4 days ago because the energy raised massively and i thought thats it its the end of me im having a heart attack or a serotonin imbalance and im gonna end up in some scary psychotic episode... it happened exactly after eating food. I started eating food just once a day because i was so scared of this feeling that i was too scared to eat. And i broke my food up into pieces and ate it every 30 minutes and did that for a week. I was so sure i had a fatal case of diabetes, and that by breaking up the food i was lowering my sugar levels. The hospital said i was perfectly fine. I went to the GP and i told him my issues. He thought i was having a stress response to food. I said no way, these are physical symptoms. He checked my blood pressure and heart rate and they were at extreme levels but he still said its a stress response. And i said but im getting dizzy and he said yeah but the only real symptom you have is deep fear, you're not uncoordinated or swaying. Thought about that, and that was true. Then later thought about that more and couldn't really remember why i was so scared in the first place. And then i just realized i was just afraid of letting go. And so i just let go(clearing all the health illnesses out of my head) and then all that happened was a very subtle shift/insight that all of reality has no limits and therefore its everything you can dream of. And then again at that very moment i realized my entire freak out week was just freaking out over that insight. On the same day i ate my food at a normal pace and literally nothing happened. It was all normal again. That entire week was purely psychological. And i made such a huge drama over it. And now im left with the after math of my freak out, with nothing really to show for it, no actual issues. 

I feeling sort of shit right now that all of my issues were psychological and quite frankly arent there anymore. I was believing stuff outside of the present moment(again) and jumping the gun. The doc said I looked more scared then people who actually have severe dizziness which put things into perspective for me. Just sort of a sense of regret, because what i feared was so subtle, it was such a non issue, and it disrupted my career and people around me for no reason. 

First of all sorry for the suffering, it sounds like a shit show and must be visceral.  I know Ive been down that road of the mind going wild and reality really seeming that way.

That said and since your open to new perspectives, the only thing that stood out in your writing is you talked about yourself in 3rd person and labeled yourself as the ego. 

Why not trying to just let in and say I felt this way, I believed this, and perhaps in the future "I" can remind myself next time something of this nature happens, that "I" can remind myself and safely assume, "I'm" just freaking out.

Id be curious how this feels and you react to this.  It may be a radical shift, it may bring up some fundamental ideas that are in conflict with eachother.  It may bring up judgements and assumptions and internal turmoil, that "you" can feel see and understand and perhaps organically relax and accept, creating greater self-Self-Love and understanding and no-inner/outer fighting/fear.

[electroBeam]

@Mu_ Thanks! Some tug of war arised from the need to be self responsible and try my best to achieve happiness and therefore actively aiming for something and avoiding something else vs the realization of infinity and how that includes and fully accepts both what I'm aiming for and not aiming for. 

[Adamq8]

@electroBeam @electroBeam hello mate!?‍♂️ if i may ask , how are you misleading people around you? 

The "ego" is really sneaky and like to twist around and mislead and form insights either to its "advantage" or causing a "scene" in your mind about it, and it keeps trigging itself until your feelings matches the thought, this work is hard in that way, easy to battle with yourself and doubt and stuff like that.

I think it is good that you share this and know that people can help you as well as you can help people, i find your writing and posts interesting so keep going and dont believe in the storys the mind might throw at you, try to catch the thought or feeling as fast as possible and either ignore it or dissect it into nothing

[electroBeam]

@Adamq8 Thanks, psychological causes/illnesses = my self responsibility while physiological or physical causes/illnesses = outside of my control. A switch from accepting that things are out of my control (because its a physical illness) to things are totally in my control (because it ended up being psychological) occured which caused discord. Doer vs Non doer conflict. 

[Adamq8]

@electroBeam So it began with a physical illness and then it became psychological afterwards? If I understand you correctly?

[electroBeam]

@Adamq8 it seemed like a physical illness, then revealed itself as a psychological illness. So I accepted it was out of my control and not my fault until I realized it was a psychological illness then the bad feelings arised as I started taking responsibility for what happened.