Not investing too much into relationships and focusing on spiritual growth

[Preety_India]

I'm reading a lot of the recent threads in the dating section that speak about focusing more on spiritual growth and building the self in terms of confidence and self love and acceptance. 

I'm beginning to understand the value of such a mindset.. I do understand that we have biological needs of love and affection. But I'm trying to negotiate with myself what is best for me. The thing is I have been in relationships where I felt like I was just giving giving giving and not taking anything. The relationship was only because the man wanted something from me and he would be with me for sex, love and affection. But i never really received much in return. Now I felt selfish if I asked anything.. This makes me feel like my own lack caused me to ask(not that there is any problem with asking or wanting love) but what's the point of being in relationships where I did not feel fulfilled emotionally. So maybe I should not expect so much out of the dating world. 

The other thought running in my mind, maybe this is a selfish thought, is how much time I'm wasting in relationships and not investing that time in spirituality and consciousness work. I don't want to throw away my life expecting some fantasy prince riding on a horse giving me love. I think it's time for me to realize that seeking something that you're not getting isn't the wisest move. So yesterday I decided that I'm not going to invest so much into relationships. And not dream too much. And instead focus on spiritual growth and self-love. You know "filling my cup" as they say. Because I guess when you come from a deprived perspective you tend to hunt for love and get desperate and end up with people who create this illusion that they are going to give you something meanwhile they are the parasite and in the end you feel taken advantage of. Also you become selfish because you hold on to that dysfunction in the expectation of a return, something you never get meanwhile that person is happy leeching you off resource-wise and emotionally. This becomes a toxic cycle because you keep looking for love and give in immediately to whoever is the dangling the fake carrot for you. 

Maybe focusing on self love and spiritual growth like many of the users suggest here, will heal the deprivation and not make me selfish and not make me be with someone who is only using me for their needs of sex and affection and giving me fake affection in return. They like to be with me but I don't like to be with them because I feel used physically and emotionally. 

Now the question arises about biological need of love and affection. Of course I'm not denying that such needs exist. But I think they can be transcended to some extent by practicing detachment. I'm not saying repressing such needs because I don't believe in repression. This is like balancing a knife on its point. You keep it balanced between transcendence and satisfaction. So you transcend it as long as you can, but be open  to receiving it when you get such an opportunity. I don't want to be completely closed off to dating in the future, I still want to be hopeful of a fulfilling love. But I also don't want this deprived feeling. So maybe in the time being I can transcend my needs and not feel so deprived. With self love. 

Does it look wise? Or am I bullshitting myself and this is never possible? 

 

 

Edited October 10, 2020 by Preety_India

[vizual]

Going into a relationship from a place of lack is recipe for failure. That’s why the vast majority of relationships and marriages suck. They go from relationship to relationship hoping for the best. It can be an addiction.

 

[Preety_India]

@vizual agree. Thank you. 

I am waiting for @Thestarguitarist14 perspective on this 

[Thestarguitarist14]

When you go deeper into spirituality, thereby going deeper into yourself, you realize that sex, relationships and etc (this can go RIR anything really) do not make you happy.  They can give you pleasure.  But pleasure does not bring happiness.  In fact when you feel love or have sex you just want more.  Those needs can never be satiated.  We have all been brainwashed to believe that we need these things and even worse, that you can only get love from someone else.  Both are not true.

 

I was considering make an eharmony account today.  I went about my business then it dawned on my that I forgot all about it.  When I am present and focusing on myself, I feel happy.  I feel more fulfilled then when I did doing pick up or dating narcissistic women.  That’s for sure.

 

Even before I got this way, I would take breaks from dating and when I came back I noticed a difference.  I had changed so my energy had changed.  At the end of the day, it’s all energy.  You attract certain people based on your energy.  So when you can fill your cup, you are going to put a different kind of energy out there.

[Preety_India]

@Thestarguitarist14  thank you so much. Wise words 

 

 

[Eph75]

A common misunderstanding is that letting go (detaching) from something means not having that thing in your experience. 

Just like with materialism, detaching from the desire of materialistic things doesn't mean that you cannot have things. As does this apply to detaching from the idea of what a relationship is and how it should be.

After you have detached [from your emotionally attached ideas], your interplay with such things will be different. IF you would still choose to incorporate such things in your life, you will find yourself being freed from misconceptions and emotional triggers. You can focus on being, rather than your ideas owning and controlling what you do and how they make you feel.

In some cases it can mean that you stop doing altogether. 

In other cases you will still do for the simple reason of it being possible, or it being convenient and not bringing toxicity with it.

There is no idea of right, or wrong anymore. What we do is no longer controlled by own ideas created by expectations from self, others, society and etc. There just "is". 

Detachment isn't a concept, it is a realization. When conceptualized, it can itself become an idea, a need, a new attachment, that we need to let go of. 

Awakening makes all of this ridiculesly clear, and so very simple. Everything is still the same, yet everything is completely different. 

Unfortunately, awakening is not a choice. And it is only afterwards you see that it was by your own resistence to "be", that the problems percieved were created by yourself. 

Just as you say, detachment and repression are not the same. Healthy [and freeing] vs. unhealthy. 

Biological drive exists but how we relate to that drive is in us. 

As trancending is not denying, trancending and enjoying is a combination; trancending the idea of needing and enjoying the possibility to do - by being with it - without adding the complications that comes along with needs and dealing with unmet needs, expectations, judgement, resentment etc. 

Questions for contemplation still remains; how do you move from conceptualizing, to actual detachment? And when do you know when that has happened?

There is no way of not knowing once this has occurred. It is as if you would ask yourself "how do I walk", the question becomes somewhat absurd once the ability to walk is effortlessly available, the need to know, or knowing if you're doing it "right or wrong" is no longer there. 

But until then we might just be fooling ourselves into "knowing" by strong conceptualization and conformation to that concept.

Another thing to contemplate is, if you have detached from the emotional attachment to an idea of something being a certain way, will/can you be disappointed once that has happend?

E.g. if you become fully detached from the idea of needing relationships and you completely loose interest in being with any man, would there be anything there that you can miss and that can make you "not happy"?

If you don't like apples, you don't need apples and the non-existence of apples has no what-so-ever effect on you. If you're hungry, you can still eat the apple in front of you and likely enjoy it as it makes you not hungry. 

You've detached from it [or apple] being a need, and it can still serve you in ways.

There is not any knowing what will happen in advance. 

Thinking about what might happen, is exercising our fear of change and how that change might be different from our expectations, the very same expectations that built our attachments in the first place.

Letting go simply implies detaching the "tether" that bounds us to something else.

Edited October 10, 2020 by Eph75

[ajai]

4 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Or am I bullshitting myself and this is never possible? 

Offcourse not,

4 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Does it look wise?

I'd say there's no constraint to being wise, like you can't say either you are Wise or Not Wise, this term is similar to consciousness, I prefer to say it more conscious or more wise and yes whatever you said is definitely more Wise.

Let's keep it to that right now.