Neediness 101

[Preety_India]

I need to document my theories and struggles with this one. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

I have been not very clear on this subject in relationships. 

It does have a ground of confusion and debate. 

Enough clarity doesn't exist on this topic 

I wanted a Megathread where people will discuss neediness. 

Different elements to discuss - 

Needy behavior, examples of needy behaviors. 

Genuine examples of needy behaviors versus when you are gaslighted as needy or projected as needy even when you're not. 

Also want people to elaborate how being needy is different from actually having basic needs. 

The pros and cons of needy behavior. 

How to avoid needy behavior. 

The subconscious psychology of needy behavior. 

When to call yourself or the other person is needy. 

What needy people should do. 

And when such behavior is slightly okay and when slightly overboard. 

How to balance neediness for both men and women. 

Please discuss all the above elements in this Megathread to remove confusion and bring clarity to this topic. 

It seems many people are very confused on the subject of neediness. Me too. 

[Preety_India]

 

 

On 10/5/2020 at 3:47 AM, Thestarguitarist14 said:

I have just noticed a lot of thirsty guys here.  I suppose that is the norm.  But let me ask you guys who are dying to have sex dying for a girlfriend:

 

What do you think it will give you?

 

Unconditional love?  Nope.  First off, unconditional love is a state of being, not a state of mind.  Secondly, there is no one on this earth who is constantly emanating unconditional love.  If you were, then you would have no problems.  And I have never met anyone who does not have e a problem.  Even hardcore Buddhist monks have problems.

Fulfillment?  I remember when I was a pick up artist for a few years.  A year and a half of those were in Los Angeles.  While it was not during the heyday of pick up, I was able to go out to different venues in Hollywood, Venice, Santa Monica and Downtown L.A and have a few one night stands.  If I had not watched Leo’s rant on pick up artists I would have probably continued on that path.  
 

I look back now and those days make me few empty.  Even my post pick up days pre pandemic when I was still using those skills.  Yeah, I met some cool, fun women.  But all I was looking for was sex.  There were women who wanted a relationship with me, but I was so closed off to anything exclusive.  In a way that is good as I got to learn more.  But all the chasing amounted to not much outside of social skills.

A life partner?  You probably would act in a way where if you got her into a relationship, she would leave you.  

 

Security?  You are barking up the wrong tree.

 

Happiness?  That’s like looking for drugs to give you happiness.  No one can make you happy.

 

A spiritual og once told me how self love used to be considered a mystical experience.  What happened to that?  Now all I see are a ton of co dependent men and women who cannot stand to be alone.

 

I am not saying that you cannot be in a relationship.  All I am saying is that sex and a relationships will not solve any of your issues.  It will only put a mask over your feelings of lack.  Your lack of self love.

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

5 hours ago, Recursoinominado said:

Filling your cup first, before entering a relationship.

Meditation, self-love practices, life purpose and all of that stuff. 

The thing i people feel shitty (don't even know about it), look for relationships to feel better, end up backfiring, act surprised, and than they repeat.

When you feel good, you don't need much from the other person and have the openness to be more empathetic and all of that.

On the other hand, people like that usually have good boundaries and don't stray away from their purpose that much. They can act in ways that low self-esteem people interpret as selfish, so, you also have to watch your partner.

I always had weak boundaries and when i tried to set them properly, i was met with manipulative behavior from others in order to make me feel guilty and selfish to serve their agendas.

 

Filling your cup first, before entering a relationship.

Meditation, self-love practices, life purpose and all of that stuff. 

The thing i people feel shitty (don't even know about it), look for relationships to feel better, end up backfiring, act surprised, and than they repeat.

When you feel good, you don't need much from the other person and have the openness to be more empathetic and all of that.

On the other hand, people like that usually have good boundaries and don't stray away from their purpose that much. They can act in ways that low self-esteem people interpret as selfish, so, you also have to watch your partner.

I always had weak boundaries and when i tried to set them properly, i was met with manipulative behavior from others in order to make me feel guilty and selfish to serve their agendas.

 

 

 

5 hours ago, Gesundheit said:

Not really, unless you have low self-worth.

Boundaries have nothing to do with others, and everything to do with you. If you prioritize others before yourself, you're likely not going to be able to stick to your boundaries. And you will succumb to whatever they want you to do.

 

5 hours ago, Preety_India said:

 

Boundaries are very difficult to keep around narcissistic or manipulative boyfriend. 

I had a narcissistic manipulative boyfriend. 

He would constantly break my boundaries or confuse me or be hypocritical or gaslight me if I kept boundaries. 

The only solution is to completely get rid of this person 

Now he was not the Devil. He also had redeemable qualities. 

If I had simply dropped him, I would have lost his friendship which I didn't want to. Because there were other things that were good about him. 

It's like balancing a knife on its point. 

Look. Everyone has flaws including you and me. 

If I have to simply reject people in my life because of their flaws, I'll have to reject everyone because everyone has flaws. 

I had to understand his nature and accept the fact that he is a narcissist. 

And negotiate my boundaries with him once again. 

It is difficult but it is not impossible. 

Just difficult. 

Setting boundaries is good. But one can't go overboard and keep cutting people out of life excessively. 

There has to be a balance. 

That's why I said setting boundaries is difficult. 

Imagine if Leo had to set the strictest boundaries on this site, then he will end up banning everyone. See? 

That's what I mean by having difficulty with boundary setting

 It is an art of negotiation. 

 

 

5 hours ago, Gesundheit said:

It depends on how much control you want to have over your life. And control = neurosis. The more nuanced you get with your thinking, the more neurotic you probably are. You could always just let things go and be okay with life. And at the same time you can still keep your boundaries. There's no need to be neurotic over boundaries. Whoever likes me as I am, they're welcome. Whoever doesn't, there's 7 billion minus two other people to try their chances with. I will not change for anyone for whatever reason and I will never negotiate my boundaries unless I want to. If people aren't happy with that, they're totally free to find themselves some other friends. Believe it or not, this attitude is actually more attractive than the needy/negotiable/lacking self-love attitude.

 

4 hours ago, Preety_India said:

I'm not trying to be attractive to someone. 

Just trying to keep a friend a friend. 

I can easily cut off many friends. 

But I see value in them 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 9, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

The issue of attachment discussed 

 

 

[Preety_India]

On 10/5/2020 at 1:52 AM, Globalcollective said:

Ive seen so much struggling young men on here and with Leo's thread on this being locked I thought I would jump in and help. It really is a pain to see this as I know it can be changed. 

So bit about me, I use to be sooo bad with women its not even funny, I even have learning difficulties and have bad trouble socialising. I was a virgin up until I was 21 and use to just get rejection after rejection. Eventually I said to myself I would change this once and for all and started to take massive action to improve this. I approached around 5000 plus girls and dated at least 200 of them I can't quite remember now so I have the actual experience to know how a man can go from hero to zero. Overall it took around 4 years to really sort it out.

First thing I will say is we have to end the red pill, black pill and incel beliefs once and for all. They are just so toxic and only represent half of the truth. I'm not the best looking guy, Im average tbf but I could still get lots of results even if I dressed as a tramp.

So if you have a problem or want advice or want me to elaborate more let me know. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 9, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

The problem of attachment. 

 

Problem with betrayals

 

 

 

The problem of Not setting boundaries and Emotional Stress 

 

 

The problem of wrong guidance 

 

 

 

The problem of ghosting 

 

 

 

The problem of 'the catch 22' 

 

 

 

The problem of not loving oneself 

 

 

The problem of wasting too much time 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

The problem of lack of understanding 

 

 

The struggle and the disappointment 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Don't sell your soul short 

 

• Escape 
• Distraction 
• Repression 
• Self control 
• Spiritual growth 
• Freeing 
• Filling the Void 
• Filling the Cup. 
• Self love 
• Self awareness 
• Management of signs of weaknesses 
• Transcendence. 

 

Love affection  sex 

 

Not to open up yourself so much. Don't open up 

You open up, you become vulnerable. The fortress is lost. 

 

 

Vampires, boundary breakers, energy vampires, vultures, leeches, parasites, actors, players, users, manipulators, gaslighters, needy people, Abusers. 

 

 

 

Edited October 10, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

When you go deeper into spirituality, thereby going deeper into yourself, you realize that sex, relationships and etc (this can go RIR anything really) do not make you happy.  They can give you pleasure.  But pleasure does not bring happiness.  In fact when you feel love or have sex you just want more.  Those needs can never be satiated.  We have all been brainwashed to believe that we need these things and even worse, that you can only get love from someone else.  Both are not true.

 

I was considering make an eharmony account today.  I went about my business then it dawned on my that I forgot all about it.  When I am present and focusing on myself, I feel happy.  I feel more fulfilled then when I did doing pick up or dating narcissistic women.  That’s for sure.

 

Even before I got this way, I would take breaks from dating and when I came back I noticed a difference.  I had changed so my energy had changed.  At the end of the day, it’s all energy.  You attract certain people based on your energy.  So when you can fill your cup, you are going to put a different kind of energy out there.

 

,,, 

A common misunderstanding is that letting go (detaching) from something means not having that thing in your experience. 

Just like with materialism, detaching from the desire of materialistic things doesn't mean that you cannot have things. As does this apply to detaching from the idea of what a relationship is and how it should be.

After you have detached [from your emotionally attached ideas], your interplay with such things will be different. IF you would still choose to incorporate such things in your life, you will find yourself being freed from misconceptions and emotional triggers. You can focus on being, rather than your ideas owning and controlling what you do and how they make you feel.

In some cases it can mean that you stop doing altogether. 

In other cases you will still do for the simple reason of it being possible, or it being convenient and not bringing toxicity with it.

There is no idea of right, or wrong anymore. What we do is no longer controlled by own ideas created by expectations from self, others, society and etc. There just "is". 

Detachment isn't a concept, it is a realization. When conceptualized, it can itself become an idea, a need, a new attachment, that we need to let go of. 

Awakening makes all of this ridiculesly clear, and so very simple. Everything is still the same, yet everything is completely different. 

Unfortunately, awakening is not a choice. And it is only afterwards you see that it was by your own resistence to "be", that the problems percieved were created by yourself. 

Just as you say, detachment and repression are not the same. Healthy [and freeing] vs. unhealthy. 

Biological drive exists but how we relate to that drive is in us. 

As trancending is not denying, trancendinging and enjoying is a combination; trancending the idea of needing and enjoying the possibility to do - by being with it - without adding the complications that comes along with needs and dealing with unmet needs, expectations, judgement, resentment etc. 

Questions for contemplation still remains; how do you move from conceptualizing, to actual detachment? And when do you know when that has happened?

There is no way of not knowing once this has occurred. It is as if you would ask yourself "how do I walk", the question becomes somewhat absurd once the ability to walk is effortlessly available, the need to know, or knowing if you're doing it "right or wrong" is no longer there. 

But until then we might just be fooling ourselves into "knowing" by strong conceptualization and conformation to that concept.

Another thing to contemplate is, if you have detached from the emotional attachment to an idea of something being a certain way, will/can you be disappointed once that has happend?

E.g. if you become fully detached from the idea of needing relationships and you completely loose interest in being with any man, would there be anything there that you can miss and that can make you "not happy"?

If you don't like apples, you don't need apples and the non-existence of apples has no what-so-ever effect on you. If you're hungry, you can still eat the apple in front of you and likely enjoy it as it makes you not hungry. 

You've detached from it being a need, it can still serve you in ways.

There is not any knowing what will happen in advance. 

Thinking about what might happen, is exercising our fear of change and how that change might be different from our expectations, the very same expectations that built our attachments in the first place. 

 

Edited October 10, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

I'm reading a lot of the recent threads in the dating section that speak about focusing more on spiritual growth and building the self in terms of confidence and self love and acceptance. 

I'm beginning to understand the value of such a mindset.. I do understand that we have biological needs of love and affection. But I'm trying to negotiate with myself what is best for me. The thing is I have been in relationships where I felt like I was just giving giving giving and not taking anything. The relationship was only because the man wanted something from me and he would be with me for sex, love and affection. But i never really received much in return. Now I felt selfish if I asked anything.. This makes me feel like my own lack caused me to ask(not that there is any problem with asking or wanting love) but what's the point of being in relationships where I did not feel fulfilled emotionally. So maybe I should not expect so much out of the dating world. 

The other thought running in my mind, maybe this is a selfish thought, is how much time I'm wasting in relationships and not investing that time in spirituality and consciousness work. I don't want to throw away my life expecting some fantasy prince riding on a horse giving me love. I think it's time for me to realize that seeking something that you're not getting isn't the wisest move. So yesterday I decided that I'm not going to invest so much into relationships. And not dream too much. And instead focus on spiritual growth and self-love. You know "filling my cup" as they say. Because I guess when you come from a deprived perspective you tend to hunt for love and get desperate and end up with people who create this illusion that they are going to give you something meanwhile they are the parasite and in the end you feel taken advantage of. Also you become selfish because you hold on to that dysfunction in the expectation of a return, something you never get meanwhile that person is happy leeching you off resource-wise and emotionally. This becomes a toxic cycle because you keep looking for love and give in immediately to whoever is the dangling the fake carrot for you. 

Maybe focusing on self love and spiritual growth like many of the users suggest here, will heal the deprivation and not make me selfish and not make me be with someone who is only using me for their needs of sex and affection and giving me fake affection in return. They like to be with me but I don't like to be with them because I feel used physically and emotionally. 

Now the question arises about biological need of love and affection. Of course I'm not denying that such needs exist. But I think they can be transcended to some extent by practicing detachment. I'm not saying repressing such needs because I don't believe in repression. This is like balancing a knife on its point. You keep it balanced between transcendence and satisfaction. So you transcend it as long as you can, but be open  to receiving it when you get such an opportunity. I don't want to be completely closed off to dating in the future, I still want to be hopeful of a fulfilling love. But I also don't want this deprived feeling. So maybe in the time being I can transcend my needs and not feel so deprived. With self love. 

Does it look wise? Or am I bullshitting myself and this is never possible? 

 

 

 

Edited October 10, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

•   Detachment 
•  Self love 
• Self regulation 
• Self control 
•  Self care 
• Self awareness 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Eat kief

 

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[Preety_India]

 

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7 Signs You're Needy, Clingy And Insecure With A Man

It’s time to woman up!

Needy, clingy behavior is a clear sign that you lack confidence in your worth.

 

You grew up feeling alone and unloved. Your father was emotionally unavailable, hyper-critical or abusive and you have a low sense of self-worth.

You keep looking for man’s conditional love but you gravitate to men who are non-communicating, unfaithful, deceptive and abusive—men who somehow remind you of your father.

You want a wonderful boyfriend or husband but you believe you are unworthy of a man’s respect, love and commitment. You constantly need a man’s reassurance. You romanticize and anguish about a relationship with your new man. Your feelings of uncertainty project desperation and neediness. You allow a man to walk all over you or your fearful subconscious causes you to reject a man before he can reject you.

When a quality man shows an interest in you, you act out with your insecure and irrational behavior. You have panic attacks, you binge on ice cream, pizza and chips, you drink too much and you succumb to promiscuous sex. You worry frantically, you withdraw from your friends and you slip into funky depression.

Suitors back away from you because you’re mercurial. Boyfriends fall out of love with you because a relationship with you is neurotic, difficult and emotional draining.

Your underlying problem is:

You’re afraid a man might reject or leave you.
You’re afraid to be authentic and vulnerable.
You’re afraid to trust a man because he might hurt you.
You afraid a man won’t want you because you’re a middle-aged woman.
You allow men in your life who are non-communicating, non-committal and abusive.

Girl, you need realize your value as a woman!

We can’t choose our dads, but we CAN choose the quality of men we allow in our lives. We can’t change our hurtful, dysfunctional past, but we can create a satisfying and secure future.

Here are 7 signs you have needy, clingy behavior and how to change it:

You’re too accommodating. When you chase a man, you are telling yourself: you DON’T think you are worthy of his pursuit. Out of eagerness and insecurity you’re too nice, too available and you have sex with him too soon. You feed his dog when he goes out of town. You ditch your girlfriends and you cancel your plans to go out with him at the last minute. When he doesn’t call or text you (like he said he would) you call him to hopefully reassure yourself. You’re afraid to say “no” to sex because he might stop seeing you.

Solution: STOP selling yourself short! Ignore the tingling, throbbing, love-sick feelings that you experience about a new man. Understand that it’s a natural part of your “need-a-man” cravings. Calling him will make you appear anxious. Anxious will make you appear needy. If you have to guess whether or not to call . . . the answer is “DON’T CALL!” If your gut morals tell you to hold off having sex with him—woman up and tell him you’re NOT ready to have sex. Succumbing to a man’s selfish sexual needs fuels your needy emotions and low self-worth.

Read: Ladies, Here’s Why You Should NEVER Chase A Man

You give more than you get. You call, text and email him more than he contacts you. You concoct way to be with him; you invite him to a party and you cook dinner for him. You keep his favorite beer or liquor on hand. You give him gifts, mail him cute cards or send flowers to his home of office (yes, women to this!). You think being nice and accommodating will make him appreciate and love you but you don’t get what you were hoping for in return.

Solution: A healthy relationship needs a balance of “give and take.” When you give too much, you appear desperate for a relationship. Pay attention to your wants and needs and don’t be afraid to express your desires or your concerns. If you cook dinner, it’s his turn to take you out to a restaurant. When you call and leave him a message or you text him, wait until he contacts you. If he doesn’t call you right away, don’t assume there is something wrong. He could be busy or waiting for a reason (or the right time) to call. But if he doesn’t call at all, you need to accept the cold fact that he’s just not into you. Until you are a solid couple, save the gifts for his birthday, Valentine’s Day and Christmas. Ditch the syrupy greeting cards and ask him to pick a nice bottle of wine up before coming to your house. If you are indeed giving more than you receive, you are with the wrong guy.
 

You act out your apprehension. You crave a man’s validation and acceptance but your insecurities cause you to be jealous, anxious and mistrusting. You constantly text him and call him. You drive by his house and you stalk him on Facebook. When he doesn’t call or text you back right away, you become uptight and fearful. You’re imagine that you did something to push him away, you become suspicious of his activities and you doubt his commitment.

Solution: It’s time to reprogram your dating computer. You are the SELECTOR. He is the PURSUER. A man’s job is to court you, woo you, impress you and convince you that he is the absolute best man for you. Your job is to be charming, receptive and appreciative of his pursuit. Bombarding a man with texting and phone calls is the surest way to push him away. If you believe you ARE the prize, he will sense your confidence and self-worth and he will work double-time to win your favor. 
 

You hound him for affirmation. You feel he is not fulfilling your relationship needs. You beg him to talk to you, reveal his intimate thoughts with you, spend more time with you and have sex with you. Your behavior is smothering and suffocating, causing him to pull back from you to protect his personal space.

Solution: Dating in hopes of a serious relationship is an unrewarding process. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. Force yourself to give him space and create activities for yourself. Practice dating for the sake of entertainment and friendship. Go out with your friends. Spend time alone, nurture your 7 chakras and learn to love your own company. Warning: your man may be emotionally stunted and incapable of fulfilling your basic emotional needs, in which case is a lost cause.
 

You discount his hurtful behavior. Your love for him is blind, irrational and self-destructive. You bond to a man whose dysfunctional behavior jells with your needy, codependent mindset. You minimize and discount the oblivious—that he is self-absorbed, unreliable, deceitful, non-communicating and quick-tempered. You subconsciously (or knowingly) operate in denial, tolerating his bad behavior.

Solution: You deserve better. If you continually commit to men who make your heart ache and you are uncertain about your future with him—you need to get into therapy so you can understand WHY you gravitate to men who mistreat you.

Read: How To Let Go Of Low-Self-Esteem And Find Love

You have no personal boundaries. You act like a doormat. You let him come over at midnight for a booty call. You sweep aside the fact that he canceled your Friday night date at the last minute. He texts you for a date at the last minute and you actually go. He lies to you and he verbally abuses you and you silently condone his maltreatment.

Solution: Men do not respect women they exploit. Stop trying to please him and be good to yourself. Raise your standards. Hold him accountable for his bad behavior. Be cognizant of what you want and need in a relationship and make up your mind to accept nothing less. If he pulls away from you, it’s because he can’t manipulate and control you.
 

You cling to man who has lost interest in you. His phone calls and text messages have stopped and he spends less and less time with you. His conversations with you are shallow and short and he has less physical touch with you. You try to reel him back in; you send him flirty, sexy messages and you invite him over for a drink. He turns you down and so you haunt his favorite hangout hoping to run into him. You think if he sees you, it will rekindle his interest in you but you are disheartened by his cold reception.

Solution: Pursuing a man will not change the way he feels about you. If he seems distant or suddenly unavailable, take care of your mental state by making yourself slightly more unavailable. Allowing a man to have his space without your interference will give him the freedom to recharge his manhood. When he happily and willingly comes back to you, you will experience a surge of confidence and self-worth. If he doesn’t, he is NOT the right man for you.

Tell yourself, “It’s nice to have a man. Want one. Would like to have one. But don’t NEED one if he’s a dysfunctional man.” Soon you will realize—you don’t need a man as much as you thought you did!

Don't let your needy, clingy behavior ruin your chances of finding true love. Read the true stories that will open your eyes your insecure mindset in the newly released book God, Please Fix Me!

God, Please Fix Me!: A Breakthrough in Self-Esteem, Relationship Understanding and Personal Healing for Women by Nancy Nichols

 

 

Edited October 10, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

How to stop being needy 

https://themindfool.com/alpha-vs-beta-vs-gamma-vs-omega-vs-delta-vs-sigma-personality/