The Catch-22 of getting needs met

[Max_V]

At this point I'm working a lot on overcoming the social anxiety I've had for about 10 years now (I'm 20 atm), creating a healthy and authentic self-image, and overall really for the first time in my life being happy with and loving the person that I am. 

I'm working at this on my own through my meditation practice, working through the book 'Psychocybernetics' and other material, journalling and questioning my fears and self-image. Next to that I'm also in therapy specifically focused on working through the same issues. Sadly, one of the most important components that I intuit I have to do to overcome my fears, is talking to people, specifically girls, which is very hard right now because of these Covid times. Whenever rules become looser again, and it is safe for all parties involved to socialize, I plan on really diving deep into socializing, dating and relationship. But right now while that still is very limited, I want to work as much as I can on my inner world and understanding of how this all works. 

One of the biggest questions that I've pondering for a while, is this issue of getting the needs met that you cannot do so yourself. This problem is a catch-22. 

Not being able to meet a need yourself causes neediness for it to be met. Neediness repells people, and so in turn makes them not want to need your meets. And so I am left with this struggle of how to break out of this cycle.

Would love to discuss and hear your thoughts on this. 

[Hello from Russia]

You have limiting beliefs, bro

There are still a shit ton of people on the streets despite COVID doing all kind things. Also, store clerks and various service personal is always here. You can socialize with them, just make sure to wear the mask and take some antioxidants

But even if you don't want to risk it in this COVID situation, just buy yourself a nice webcam\mic and socialize with people online. Deliberately go on calls and speak with them. 

[Loving Radiance]

In addition to the comment above, being grounded in your being helps.

Quote

But even if you don't want to risk it in this COVID situation, just buy yourself a nice webcam\mic and socialize with people online. Deliberately go on calls and speak with them. 

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Edited October 9, 2020 by Loving Radiance

[Toby]

What kind of needs are you talking about? Sexual / romantic interests or unfulfilled infant needs?

[Preety_India]

 

You're confusing things. 

Neediness and "needs being met" are two totally different things. 

One is healthy and the other is unhealthy. 

Having needs is biological, intuitive and spiritual. You can't suppress the spirit. It will always be there. Your needs will always exist. 

When your needs are not met in a relationship, it's a huge huge problem. That relationship is very bad. 

Now neediness. Neediness means you are desperate. It means not giving freedom or space to the other person. Imposing your needs on them and suffocating them. 

It is a form of selfishness where you only care about your own feelings and how you are without giving a due concern for others. 

Neediness is not the same as needs. 

You keep hammering your needs on the other person. You excessively encroach their space. You constantly beg for their attention even when they are not willing or busy. This causes the person to feel pressured by your load of needs and the relationship crumbles. That person becomes your vending machine. 

A good way to understand this when a person is asking for financial help when they genuinely need it versus using their friend as an ATM machine for cash. 

Neediness drains the other person because they are constantly satisfying your needs. 

The needy person becomes like a leeching parasite constantly leeching off the other person's energy and time meanwhile offering nothing in return, not even allowing the other person to rest 

 

Also neediness exists in an image. Everyone has needs. Everyone wants affection and bonding and caring. 

A needy person goes overboard in showing it. They start nagging the person. They act desperate. They act totally dependent. They don't show any detachment. They are constantly trying to please, constantly trying to want attention. 

 

Having needs is normal 

 

Being needy is being demanding in a sneaky way. 

 

Neediness can exist in different styles for both gender. Needy boyfriend. Needy girlfriend. 

Needy without cause. Needy for legit reasons 

For example if your girlfriend is always neglecting you and you asked her for affection and she snapped back and called you needy, that's not needy. You're simply wanting something that you have been deprived of and it's much of girl's fault that is making you appear needy.. 

See this is the definition of neediness I saw on the internet with regard to needy boyfriend 

 

"However, your boyfriend's “neediness” means that he only hits one emotional note. ... Having someone depend on you for their emotional wellbeing can certainly make you feel valued, but ultimately it is exhausting because super-needy people crave love, affection and validation and require constant reassurance."

Edited October 9, 2020 by Preety_India

[Gesundheit]

Actually, you don't need anything other than food and water and air. You're imagining things which you label "needs" and then you're giving them too much importance when they actually aren't needs nor important at all. You're literally creating anxiety and neediness by thinking about those things as "needs".

Try it. Try living a few days simply without all the noise and unnecessary things that at the moment you believe are necessary. See it for yourself. You will be even much happier and at peace. You may even be surprised at what you may find through this experience regarding your questions. I've been on an extremely minimalistic retreat recently and I can tell; it's one of the best things you can ever do.

[JonasVE12]

When you focus more on the proces of learning to get better with women and people in general, you draw your attention away from the results. If you set up your life in a way that you have a lot of opportunities, you less identifiy with specific interactions/people, as you subconsciously realise that you have abundance of opportunities to get better and you can just move on to the next. Getting a salesjob where you do door-to-door sales is a perfect way to gradually get used to talking to people. You'll notice the anxious tension in your body go away at around door 30 and you'll be so comfortabel talking to people. Usually you'll do 100+ houses a day where you put your whole self-expression into convincing someone to buy your products. The first door, you'll be stressed and anxious and you will struggle putting a sentence together, but after a while, it becomes second nature. It's the same with everything, but most people are stuck at analysing and mind masturbation and don't actually go out there and do it. Of course you can just do pick-up, but for me that was too intense and I couldn't do it at first. After a while of long periods of socialising and focussing on the growth, not worrying too much about specific results, you'll attract girls and people into your life, and the neediness will slowly fade away.

Edited October 9, 2020 by JonasVE12

[Chives99]

Pursuing spirituality is a  great way to get over these 'needs' that are hardwired into your brain, your self agenda has co-opted them for its survial as a self and its identity. "I am someone that doesn't get girls but if I work REALLY hard I will get one" thats the story being told that is trying to survive and your actions drive women away which perpetuates the endless story. The ego really isn't looking out for YOU its trying to maintain the story otherwise it doesn't know who it is. If you became mindful to this largely unconscious activity you could make an effort to stop doing it. Then when you don't need a girlfriend ironically you get women interested by dropping this activity then the spiritual world becomes much more interesting than pussy.

[JonasVE12]

2 minutes ago, Chives99 said:

Pursuing spirituality is a  great way to get over these 'needs' that are hardwired into your brain, your self agenda has co-opted them for its survial as a self and its identity. "I am someone that doesn't get girls but if I work REALLY hard I will get one" thats the story being told that is trying to survive and your actions drive women away which perpetuates the endless story. The ego really isn't looking out for YOU its trying to maintain the story otherwise it doesn't know who it is. If you became mindful to this largely unconscious activity you could make an effort to stop doing it. Then when you don't need a girlfriend ironically you get women interested by dropping this activity then the spiritual world becomes much more interesting than pussy.

Yes, but you don't magically attract women by dropping your neediness. You attract them by setting up your life in a way that you naturally meet lots of women and when you develop the charisma and traits to attract them. There's a lot of spiritual growth to be found in facing your fears and conditioning, and transcend it. You have to have courage and consciousness for that, and it will grow you. When someone can't face the pain of facing your fears, and use spirituality to escape it, that's weak. Nothing wrong with persuing the absolute to trancend egoic tendencies, but fixing your life in the relative domain is something you have to do if you want to live your life to the fullest, and I think it's more efficient to face it hands on.

[Chives99]

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

 

For example if your girlfriend is always neglecting you and you asked her for affection and she snapped back and called you needy, that's not needy. You're simply wanting something that you have been deprived of and it's much of girl's fault that is making you appear needy.. 

 

 

I remember in Leo's red flags video for relationships If they're  not willing to see you once or twice a week then why the fuck are they even in the relationship  WALK AWAY if they pull that shit.

 

In a  non demanding way say how you expect to be treated then walk if they don't agree to it. Being able to walk away and mean it actually makes someone think you have a higher value even if you're not. Its all apperances anyway when it comes to relationships

[Chives99]

5 minutes ago, JonasVE12 said:

Yes, but you don't magically attract women by dropping your neediness. You attract them by setting up your life in a way that you naturally meet lots of women and when you develop the charisma and traits to attract them. There's a lot of spiritual growth to be found in facing your fears and conditioning, and transcend it. You have to have courage and consciousness for that, and it will grow you. When someone can't face the pain of facing your fears, and use spirituality to escape it, that's weak. Nothing wrong with persuing the absolute to trancend egoic tendencies, but fixing your life in the relative domain is something you have to do if you want to live your life to the fullest, and I think it's more efficient to face it hands on.

Depends on your goals, if you really want enlightenment then going Hardcore is a great way, then pickup where you left off afterwards. Enlightenment will be put on hold if your Mrs. is texting you throughout the day, 

[Martin123]

52 minutes ago, Gesundheit said:

Actually, you don't need anything other than food and water and air. You're imagining things which you label "needs" and then you're giving them too much importance when they actually aren't needs nor important at all. You're literally creating anxiety and neediness by thinking about those things as "needs".

This is extremely toxic, we can't deny our emotional needs, if we do we are bound to end up in patterns of abuse, manipulation and denial. Please dread carefully when spreading this rhetoric.
 

 

26 minutes ago, Chives99 said:

Pursuing spirituality is a  great way to get over these 'needs' that are hardwired into your brain, your self agenda has co-opted them for its survial as a self and its identity.

Again, sorry this cannot be done, it's like a fish pretending it's a bird, and since it's a bird it doesn't need water to exist. BUT IT WILL LOWKY DIE okay

We are humans, humans have emotional needs, spirituality teaches us how to be most expressively and consciously human, not how to deny our humanity.
 

2 hours ago, Max_V said:

At this point I'm working a lot on overcoming the social anxiety I've had for about 10 years now (I'm 20 atm), creating a healthy and authentic self-image, and overall really for the first time in my life being happy with and loving the person that I am. 

I'm working at this on my own through my meditation practice, working through the book 'Psychocybernetics' and other material, journalling and questioning my fears and self-image. Next to that I'm also in therapy specifically focused on working through the same issues. Sadly, one of the most important components that I intuit I have to do to overcome my fears, is talking to people, specifically girls, which is very hard right now because of these Covid times. Whenever rules become looser again, and it is safe for all parties involved to socialize, I plan on really diving deep into socializing, dating and relationship. But right now while that still is very limited, I want to work as much as I can on my inner world and understanding of how this all works. 

One of the biggest questions that I've pondering for a while, is this issue of getting the needs met that you cannot do so yourself. This problem is a catch-22. 

Not being able to meet a need yourself causes neediness for it to be met. Neediness repells people, and so in turn makes them not want to need your meets. And so I am left with this struggle of how to break out of this cycle.

Would love to discuss and hear your thoughts on this. 

Neediness is an insistence that our emotional needs MUST be met by others, and that important word there is the MUST.

Healthy relationship with your needs is - Look I have needs, are there any people around who can meet them? No? Okay I can do it just as well as others!

Are you feeling lonely? - love that part of you that feels loneliness.

Are you feeling sad? - Love that part of you that feels sad

Are you feeling disconnected? - Connect with the part of you in which disconnect is present.

Are you feeling abandoned? - Make sure you are a good, present and thoughtful company to YOU! 

Love the parts of you that insist that others must be the source of your fulfillment, and watch the 'neediness' dissolve in the presence of your own self love. We don't love ourselves to become hyper-independent, we love-ourselves because that is often the only available way to meet our needs, not because we refuse love from others, but because we have been hardwired to think that our own love matters less than love from others, and until our own love matters just as much, the things others can give us won't be so fulfilling, because we will either not be able to take it in fully, or we will be waiting for the moment of connection and love to end and will imagine ourselves lacking that what we receive from others, before even taking it in fully.

Love the you that feels like it is needy, for neediness deserves love, and may you be that love onto yourself, as your own divine parent bringing your inner child and your consciousness into a divine union of spirit and form, making your emotional needs the priority they were always waiting to be, regardless how overlooked or ignored by others you have ever felt.

Permit yourself to love YOU, for you have the right to feel the fulfillment of your own love. You not only have the right, but it is something you have the utmost worthiness of, and are infinitely deserving of.

Edited October 9, 2020 by Martin123

[Gesundheit]

@Martin123 Sorry dude, but it's the exact opposite. We don't actually have any emotional needs, not on the most fundamental level. Emotions are delusions created out of desire. They're the reason why everyone is not enlightened. Emotion = desire = attachment. It's extremely toxic to have emotions, but that's not to say we have to suppress them. Instead, we have to become aware of them until they vanish and disappear.

[Chives99]

@Martin123 You'd be surprise how little you actually need, You are free to drop dead right now, nobody says you need to be  a live. Wanting to be a live is healthy and fine , but only a self needs it. If you got rid of your self then the physical organism wouldn't be distraught of the knowledge of its  upcoming death

[Preety_India]

58 minutes ago, Gesundheit said:

Actually, you don't need anything other than food and water and air. You're imagining things which you label "needs" and then you're giving them too much importance when they actually aren't needs nor important at all. You're literally creating anxiety and neediness by thinking about those things as "needs".

That's very wrong.. 

You can't simply reject needs. 

They will manifest in other ways. 

It's a different thing to control biological cravings temporarily for a higher goal. 

But one can't simply deny needs. 

 

 

[Martin123]

@Gesundheit Wow... I would not wanna be Your friend haha.
 

Just now, Chives99 said:

You'd be surprise how little you actually need, You are free to drop dead right now, nobody says you need to be  a live.

You only say that because you don't like your life. People who aren't unhappy with their lives have no need to label themselves as illusory.
Yeah... I wouldn't wanna be friends with you either haha, no offense of course but this is an extremely unhealthy attitude.

[Gesundheit]

1 minute ago, Preety_India said:

That's very wrong.. 

You can't simply reject needs. 

They will manifest in other ways. 

It's a different thing to control biological cravings temporarily for a higher goal. 

But one can't simply deny needs.

Sure, if you're not aware enough.

1 minute ago, Martin123 said:

@Gesundheit Wow... I would not wanna be Your friend haha.

Nice.

[Chives99]

16 minutes ago, Martin123 said:

@Gesundheit Wow... I would not wanna be Your friend haha.
 

You only say that because you don't like your life. People who aren't unhappy with their lives have no need to label themselves as illusory.
Yeah... I wouldn't wanna be friends with you either haha, no offense of course but this is an extremely unhealthy attitude.

If you need to be alive you will be in hell, because one day you will die.... You will loose everything, all your loved ones, memories, attainments, etc 

 

I enjoy life very much, but im working to become unttached to it an enjoy it without attachment as Im conscious of how much suffering that brings. Noone said unconditional happiness didn't come with  a price. Hint : the price is your entire life

Edited October 9, 2020 by Chives99

[Martin123]

@Chives99 Well, then I hope my death will be terrifying, painful, excruciating and full of grief and pain. Because that will remind me how fully I allowed myself to live.

I am someone who has psychologically died many many times, probably hundreds of times. And every death was a painful moment of grieiving all that I have gained, and all that I have lost. And it only allowed me to be more alive than ever before, only preparing me for the next level of death, and next level of rebirth. That is how you live without denial, and that is how enlightenment teaches you how to live your life.

Not in a way that avoids pain, such as you are suggesting here. No thank you, no need to avoid anything or anyone at all. I will take all the pain, say thank you very much, and allow it to rip me to shreads over and over, until nothing but the light of my consciousness remains smiling at me, from the after life that has dawned before the dying of my phyisical body.

Thank you death for allowing my consciousnesss to enter this lifetime more awakened and conscious than I've ever been.
Thank you.

[Chives99]

@Martin123 Why fight with reality, you really think you can fuck with God, i mean you are God, but delusion will always loose in the end. Death always delivers