I'm selfish

[Preety_India]

 

I feel like I'm a bit selfish in my relationships.. That's the pattern I see.. 

I don't know why I feel this way. But this could be true. 

How can I train myself to be less selfish? 

 

[ajai]

@Preety_India Let's think it this way,

What's the whole of point of being in a Relationship?

Isn't it the case that this very idea of being in a relationship is based upon the foundation of Selfishness.

Why I can't live alone?

What if in this process of training to be less selfish, you completely lose this idea of being in a relationship at first place ? Will you admit this facet of your being ? 

Just like you know some mystic living in the Himalayas. Does he think it the same way? How does those people (Yogis) think about selfishness, relationships ??

[Gesundheit]

Love yourself and develop more awareness.

In other words, don't do anything.

[Gesundheit]

8 hours ago, ajai said:

@Preety_India 

Why I can't live alone?

Because you're either scared or just used to your current conditioning. You certainly can live alone if you are willing to. At least I can. But I do lack the courage and experience required to do so.

People live together because they exchange value between each other. But it's actually the stupid way to go about life, but I digress.

[Preety_India]

 

7 hours ago, modmyth said:

@Preety_India  If you had to describe what your ideal relationship would look like in a really precise or concrete way, how would you describe it?

Related: how would you describe your pattern of selfishness in a concrete way? And why do you have an issue with it? What do you feel like it's inhibiting exactly?

 

Great question. 

My ideal relationship is where me and my lover have a very deep connection, not much age gap, I prefer the same age, similar interests and very polite conversations and great sex. Me and him always like best buddies hanging out together and sharing and caring for each other with lots of affection. Physical affection like hugging is important to me. And we both being attentive to each other. I don't like the detached guys 

 

Related: how would you describe your pattern of selfishness in a concrete way? And why do you have an issue with it? What do you feel like it's inhibiting exactly?

I think I'm a bit needy for affection in relationships and sometimes I go overboard with it. Although I try to contain that but still it could be a problem. 

The other thing is when I don't understand or care for  the other person's concerns. 

Like in the second last relationship, I constantly infringed the boundaries of my boyfriend when he was tired or busy by nagging him to give me time. 

I think it was selfish of me 

Deep down I feel like I only care about myself. It could be tunnel vision or inability to comprehend how others are feeling in my company. 

 

 

[Recursoinominado]

Filling your cup first, before entering a relationship.

Meditation, self-love practices, life purpose and all of that stuff. 

The thing i people feel shitty (don't even know about it), look for relationships to feel better, end up backfiring, act surprised, and than they repeat.

When you feel good, you don't need much from the other person and have the openness to be more empathetic and all of that.

On the other hand, people like that usually have good boundaries and don't stray away from their purpose that much. They can act in ways that low self-esteem people interpret as selfish, so, you also have to watch your partner.

I always had weak boundaries and when i tried to set them properly, i was met with manipulative behavior from others in order to make me feel guilty and selfish to serve their agendas.

[Preety_India]

2 minutes ago, Recursoinominado said:

I always had weak boundaries and when i tried to set them properly, i was met with manipulative behavior from others in order to make me feel guilty and selfish to serve their agendas.

This happened to me. 

The person made me feel guilty for not replying to them. I was called selfish for not being there for them. 

I couldn't be there for the person for some time because of my bad health. 

I guess setting boundaries is very difficult around certain people. 

 

[Gesundheit]

2 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I guess setting boundaries is very difficult around certain people.

Not really, unless you have low self-worth.

Boundaries have nothing to do with others, and everything to do with you. If you prioritize others before yourself, you're likely not going to be able to stick to your boundaries. And you will succumb to whatever they want you to do.

[Preety_India]

 

7 minutes ago, Gesundheit said:

Not really, unless you have low self-worth.

Boundaries have nothing to do with others, and everything to do with you. If you prioritize others before yourself, you're likely not going to be able to stick to your boundaries. And you will succumb to whatever they want you to do.

Boundaries are very difficult to keep around narcissistic or manipulative boyfriend. 

I had a narcissistic manipulative boyfriend. 

He would constantly break my boundaries or confuse me or be hypocritical or gaslight me if I kept boundaries. 

The only solution is to completely get rid of this person 

Now he was not the Devil. He also had redeemable qualities. 

If I had simply dropped him, I would have lost his friendship which I didn't want to. Because there were other things that were good about him. 

It's like balancing a knife on its point. 

Look. Everyone has flaws including you and me. 

If I have to simply reject people in my life because of their flaws, I'll have to reject everyone because everyone has flaws. 

I had to understand his nature and accept the fact that he is a narcissist. 

And negotiate my boundaries with him once again. 

It is difficult but it is not impossible. 

Just difficult. 

Setting boundaries is good. But one can't go overboard and keep cutting people out of life excessively. 

There has to be a balance. 

That's why I said setting boundaries is difficult. 

Imagine if Leo had to set the strictest boundaries on this site, then he will end up banning everyone. See? 

That's what I mean by having difficulty with boundary setting

 It is an art of negotiation. 

 

[Gesundheit]

9 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

 

Boundaries are very difficult to keep around narcissistic or manipulative boyfriend. 

I had a narcissistic manipulative boyfriend. 

He would constantly break my boundaries or confuse me or be hypocritical or gaslight me if I kept boundaries. 

The only solution is to completely get rid of this person 

Now he was not the Devil. He also had redeemable qualities. 

If I had simply dropped him, I would have lost his friendship which I didn't want to. Because there were other things that were good about him. 

It's like balancing a knife on its point. 

Look. Everyone has flaws including you and me. 

If I have to simply reject people in my life because of their flaws, I'll have to reject everyone because everyone has flaws. 

I had to understand his nature and accept the fact that he is a narcissist. 

And negotiate my boundaries with him once again. 

It is difficult but it is not impossible. 

Just difficult. 

Setting boundaries is good. But one can't go overboard and keep cutting people out of life excessively. 

There has to be a balance. 

That's why I said setting boundaries is difficult. 

Imagine if Leo had to set the strictest boundaries on this site, then he will end up banning everyone. See? 

That's what I mean by having difficulty with boundary setting

 It is an art of negotiation. 

It depends on how much control you want to have over your life. And control = neurosis. The more nuanced you get with your thinking, the more neurotic you probably are. You could always just let things go and be okay with life. And at the same time you can still keep your boundaries. There's no need to be neurotic over boundaries. Whoever likes me as I am, they're welcome. Whoever doesn't, there's 7 billion minus two other people to try their chances with. I will not change for anyone for whatever reason and I will never negotiate my boundaries unless I want to. If people aren't happy with that, they're totally free to find themselves some other friends. Believe it or not, this attitude is actually more attractive than the needy/negotiable/lacking self-love attitude.

[Preety_India]

11 minutes ago, Gesundheit said:

Believe it or not, this attitude is actually more attractive than the needy/negotiable/lacking self-love attitude

I'm not trying to be attractive to someone. 

Just trying to keep a friend a friend. 

I can easily cut off many friends. 

But I see value in them 

[Gesundheit]

2 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I'm not trying to be attractive to someone. 

Just trying to keep a friend a friend. 

I can easily cut off many friends. 

But I see value in them 

You selfish minx 

[No Self]

@Preety_India

You mentioned in another thread something to the effect of "a woman needs a man". I was going to ask you what would happen if a woman did not get a man, whether she would spontaneously combust or something, but I didn't want my humour to come across the wrong way!

Many of us are quite conscious and spiritually advanced, but the sense of lack arising from the body-mind around its supposed incompleteness brings us to our knees. The true solution to this is spiritual, but we never want to hear it because we are obsessed with strategising to try and fulfil our imaginary needs.

This is a classic video and I think should be compulsory viewing on the topic. Cheers.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3miuaOWsj8

[Preety_India]

@No Self  I think there is a deeper need for love and sometimes when not fulfilled it can come up as selfishness.. 

Thanks for the link. 

 

I'm trying to work how to not be too selfish. This needs more understanding of my own nature. 

 

[Preety_India]

@No Self and part of it is also involves focusing on spiritual growth. 

 

[Gesundheit]

11 hours ago, Preety_India said:

@No Self  I think there is a deeper need for love.

Nope. I mean not from an external source.

This is very important to contemplate. Only you can love yourself. All external love is imaginary by you, and it never substitutes for your own love. Imagine a scenario where you love someone very deeply and they love you back. But then at a certain point they turn out to be an imposter. You'll realize that they never loved you, not even a bit, and in fact they were using you as means to an end, even though you were feeling the love regardless of their truth. How's that possible? Well, you tell me.

[mullerbar]

I think you should take more care of yourself. For a start, the teacher accepts criticism, because as I understand it, this is not about you at all. You can start looking at yourself from different angles, it can also be useful. And if you are really selfish. ask the people around you to tell you right away that you start to behave selfishly when this happens, because that way you will understand in what situations you should act differently.

[Byun Sean]

If you are serious about true love and selflessness, 

take up serious spiritual practice like meditation, kriya yoga, psyches, etc for at least 1 hour a day and do them with laser focus.

If you already do these practices, I recommend upping your rate or time you spend on them. However much you can handle can be life transforming insanely fast.

 

 Also observing mindfully when you catch yourself acting out of selfishness and then loving yourself for being selfish anyway can also be very transforming. 

Whenever your boyfriend or any person does anything that triggers you because of their selfishness, pretend that person is you and allow yourself to love yourself for being or doing that exact same thing that you hate.

When you love yourself for being selfish, it does not condone or excuse you to be more selfish. It's precisely the opposite. The only way to defeat selfishness is by accepting and loving it to death.

This also doesn't mean you can't get upset or triggered anymore. Let yourself get triggered or angry and let yourself feel all of that. Whatever your feeling is ok and justified simply because you are feeling it in that moment. But watch yourself while it happens and make the conscious choice to love yourself for that thing no matter the outcome.

 

Suggestion from my mother:  Maybe your selfishness in relationships comes from a place of scarcity of something? Scarcity of affection? Feeling like you can never get enough of something? It may come from somewhere. Maybe you can trace it back to childhood or something like that.

[No Self]

On 10/15/2020 at 1:25 PM, Byun Sean said:

Suggestion from my mother:  Maybe your selfishness in relationships comes from a place of scarcity of something? Scarcity of affection? Feeling like you can never get enough of something? It may come from somewhere. Maybe you can trace it back to childhood or something like that.

That can happen, but generally it results in a bottomless pit of desire. Like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in it. I would not even attempt to solve the problem at the superficial level by giving the body-mind what it supposedly wants.

[Byun Sean]

10 minutes ago, No Self said:

That can happen, but generally it results in a bottomless pit of desire. Like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in it. I would not even attempt to solve the problem at the superficial level by giving the body-mind what it supposedly wants.

Yeah. Its a balancing act I guess right.

Because we are drawn by the forces of survival into fulfilling our needs like food, water, sex, intimacy, social needs etc from

the outer world to a certain degree.

Maybe the most effective way to become more selfless would be a more integral approach that suites our unique needs.

Like engaging in relationships if thats what you desire and  how you grow. At the same time doing practices that involve

inner work so that we can draw out some of the root issues

with practices like meditation or therapy.

 

 

Edited October 16, 2020 by Byun Sean