Friend is mad at me that I told them I feel bad talking to them

[Lyubov]

So I am feeling sad right now. Basically a friend of mine who lives far away is going to be moving soon and has some plans to be very active, starting a new job, etc and they also have met someone as well. We have been talking every day for the last 8 months and keeping each other company during COVID and have both been a big support to each other during these times. Thing is when they start branching out and doing things they tend to talk less and it just makes me feel sad cause I live in a new town and have no friends here to see in person so all I can do is chat with my friends who live in different places. Feels like I'm just talking with them on their terms and also it makes me feel a little sad cause I have a small crush on them as well and I want to be receiving as much attention back as I am giving so I want to look elsewhere for socialization. Anyways I was feeling a little sad and jealous and realized that maybe I shouldn't rely so much on this person for socializing so I stopped writing them as much. It made things awkward and they confronted me about it asking if they offended me and I told them that I just feel sad when they don't write me as much cause they are living their life and I don't want to be that annoying needy friend so I wanted to put some space between us. This seemed to really hurt her feelings though and she seems quite mad at me. I really don't know what to do. Just feel sad about the situation cause I didn't want to tell them but also I don't like holding things in and they asked me what's up so I prefer to be honest. I'm not mad at this person for living their life and doing their own thing but we are quite close friends and I can tell it really hurt her feelings when I told her this but at the same time I just feel sad when talking to them when they are doing their own thing cause I feel lonely and know I should be branching out more. She was saying something about how it's a bad idea to do this to such an old friend and they were quite angry I could tell. They now seem mad at me but I don't feel like I did anything wrong or should feel bad about my feelings. I told them I was sorry and I didn't do it to hurt them and didn't want them to feel guilty or bad for doing their own thing but they just seemed argumentative and not about talking out the emotions. idk what to do about this  I don't think I did anything wrong but at the same time I feel bad about the situation.

Edited October 9, 2020 by Lyubov

[Preety_India]

 

You're a good guy. You did the right thing.. 

You were simply being honest about how you felt. Absolutely nothing wrong with it. 

What I can say from your description is that you're attached to this person even though you're just a friend. 

That's not a good thing. Just being completely honest. 

When you are attached to someone but they don't give an equal response, there is sadness.. A feeling of disappointment. 

You need to overcome this sadness by overcoming that attachment. Let them go. Don't think about them anymore. Care about them in your heart but don't talk to them because it will hurt the more you talk to them. 

Let them be who they want to be and you'll be at peace. 

What you're looking for is a sort of closure and that closure will only be found within you. 

I know you're emotional in a deeper way. 

But realize that this is how life is. People aren't always fair to how you feel about them. It can suck. They are not necessarily bad people. It's just the way things happen and confronting it with honesty is the best you can do. 

Now you try to distance yourself from that person and branch out and move on in your life.. They will gradually recover from the feeling of hurt. You did them right by being honest. 

Don't be sad anymore and let go of the attachment since they have moved on, it's time you do the same. 

 

Hope you get over it and best wishes. 

 

[Roy]

You were honest and up front. Don't need to apologize to them or yourself about it, especially since they asked. They had their reaction, that's that. It's not on you friend.

Find grounding in yourself even if you don't have the kinds of people around you that you want to talk to. You are punishing yourself because of the way the external world is (physically distant friends, Covid), does that seem fair to yourself? No!

What you need to do is focus, contemplate, and meditate on the solitude. Sit with it and feel it, try to really understand why it's making you feel sad and uncomfortable. Question it, does it have to? Are you able to be happy on your own? You'll surprise yourself @Lyubov

[Lyubov]

10 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

What I can say from your description is that you're attached to this person even though you're just a friend. 

That's not a good thing. Just being completely honest. 

You are 100% right and I am conscious of this that I am quite attached to them. We have had very intimate conversations over the years and know each other quite well and have given each other a ton of emotional support. I really love her to be honest, her mind and feminine energy is so beautiful to me. But also just due to life circumstances I'm not looking for long distance and wouldn't be so foolish to ask for them to wait for me and make the friend situation awkward via long distance conversation. That is not what I want and I know healthy love feels free of attachment. So I feel like some space between us is what's best for me currently. I really want them to be free and I hold no toxic jealousy or envy over their situation. I want them to be happy with the person they are interested in and pursue the things they want in life. I just hope we can still be friends in the future and come to a friendship free of attachment. 

Edited October 9, 2020 by Lyubov

[Lyubov]

18 minutes ago, Roy said:

You were honest and up front. Don't need to apologize to them or yourself about it, especially since they asked. They had their reaction, that's that. It's not on you friend.

Find grounding in yourself even if you don't have the kinds of people around you that you want to talk to. You are punishing yourself because of the way the external world is (physically distant friends, Covid), does that seem fair to yourself? No!

What you need to do is focus, contemplate, and meditate on the solitude. Sit with it and feel it, try to really understand why it's making you feel sad and uncomfortable. Question it, does it have to? Are you able to be happy on your own? You'll surprise yourself @Lyubov

Thanks, this is good advice. I will explore why I feel lonely. 

[Lyubov]

I'm feeling real tore up about this now. We haven't spoken since they confronted me and I just noticed they unfriended me on social media

Just feels bad... I wonder if I could of handled it differently. They were the one nagging me and I didn't want to lie to them about how I was feeling before she started reacting and getting defensive. I don't know how I could of handled it differently  I feel like I was honest but I just wonder if there was any other way I could of handled it so I could get some space and they wouldn't feel hurt like I am abandoning them. They have abandonment issues too so I know this probably really hurt them as well and I feel so bad that I made them perhaps feel this way. I just don't know and it hurts

[Average Investor]

@Lyubov Go join some clubs in the meantime if you are really lonely. If someone stopped being friends with you over that I would not bother. I never had luck having the opposite sex as friend anyway, so that is probably a bad place to start. That relationship sounds like it would be really needy on both ends anyway. Work on getting to the root of the loneliness. Leo has a great video on it. Something I have been working on too. I have had similar dynamics with messaging friends and stuff. I have worked on releasing a lot of the baggage of trying to get approval from others. That and really getting more comfortable with it just being myself. I am in clubs and other social things. I don't really hang out with people in person often at all. Most of my friends are in another state. It's been a battle for me the last year or so and it has really sky rocketed my growth. I cut off all of my unhealthy relationships. 

Work on getting more abundance with friendships as well. Don't rely on the opposite sex for that as much in my opinion. Especially since it seems like you are wanting more than a friendship it is just a recipe for disaster. Women that keep you around like that and know you want them seem to be unhealthy in my experience. Plus the chances of it working out seem to be seldom. I did that a lot, when I was really needy and not confident. Do some work on yourself and come back to the women later. Once you overcome more of the neediness it gets super easy to get women in my experience. Seems to be once you don't care about being in a relationship at all then, they want to be in one with you. 

Edited October 23, 2020 by Average Investor

[Lyubov]

1 hour ago, Average Investor said:

@Lyubov Go join some clubs in the meantime if you are really lonely. If someone stopped being friends with you over that I would not bother. I never had luck having the opposite sex as friend anyway, so that is probably a bad place to start. That relationship sounds like it would be really needy on both ends anyway. Work on getting to the root of the loneliness. Leo has a great video on it. Something I have been working on too. I have had similar dynamics with messaging friends and stuff. I have worked on releasing a lot of the baggage of trying to get approval from others. That and really getting more comfortable with it just being myself. I am in clubs and other social things. I don't really hang out with people in person often at all. Most of my friends are in another state. It's been a battle for me the last year or so and it has really sky rocketed my growth. I cut off all of my unhealthy relationships. 

Work on getting more abundance with friendships as well. Don't rely on the opposite sex for that as much in my opinion. Especially since it seems like you are wanting more than a friendship it is just a recipe for disaster. Women that keep you around like that and know you want them seem to be unhealthy in my experience. Plus the chances of it working out seem to be seldom. I did that a lot, when I was really needy and not confident. Do some work on yourself and come back to the women later. Once you overcome more of the neediness it gets super easy to get women in my experience. Seems to be once you don't care about being in a relationship at all then, they want to be in one with you. 

I have overcame neediness before and have had great success with women but I think it is a process that doesn't ever fully end. It seeps in subtly and when things are good it isn't such a problem but when something goes south or comes up it's a ticking time bomb for a person. I do admit I have feelings for her but I don't think that should automatically mean we can't be friends. It's why I wanted some space from her but she took it really hard. I wrote her a letter and she got really mad at me saying "that's not what real friends do" and stuff like that... Can't really get through to her and she is throwing so much blame at me saying I didn't explain myself well enough and really angry stuff. I realize she is reacting to it in her own way and she has anger coming up. I'm standing my ground and telling her I understand she feels this way but it doesn't make me a bad friend for wanting space and tending to my own emotional needs. I hope she can at least see through that she is bringing a lot of her own insecurities and past abandonment to the table here and if she doesn't want to be friends anymore I won't hold a grudge against her. 

Edited October 23, 2020 by Lyubov

[flowboy]

6 hours ago, Lyubov said:

I have overcame neediness before and have had great success with women but I think it is a process that doesn't ever fully end. It seeps in subtly and when things are good it isn't such a problem but when something goes south or comes up it's a ticking time bomb for a person. I do admit I have feelings for her but I don't think that should automatically mean we can't be friends. It's why I wanted some space from her but she took it really hard. I wrote her a letter and she got really mad at me saying "that's not what real friends do" and stuff like that... Can't really get through to her and she is throwing so much blame at me saying I didn't explain myself well enough and really angry stuff. I realize she is reacting to it in her own way and she has anger coming up. I'm standing my ground and telling her I understand she feels this way but it doesn't make me a bad friend for wanting space and tending to my own emotional needs. I hope she can at least see through that she is bringing a lot of her own insecurities and past abandonment to the table here and if she doesn't want to be friends anymore I won't hold a grudge against her. 

The way she reacts, I bet she has feelings for you too.

Did you admit those feelings to her? Because if you didn't, it's possible that she senses your dishonesty and on some level wants you to be honest about the crush so you two can stop the friend charade. Women can get very angry when they sense you're being a wimp about something.

If you're gonna lose her anyway, might be worth exploring!

 

This: "I'm in love with you, so I am asking you to move to my town so we can be together. Please say yes. If you don't feel the same way, I have to take some space to heal" is a much more respectable way to potentially end this, with the added bonus of honesty and perhaps getting what you want.

And if she says no to that, I bet she'll be a lot nicer and more understanding to you, and won't complain that you haven't explained well. Because this is what was missing from the explanation.

Edited October 23, 2020 by flowboy

[Gesundheit]

@Lyubov It's kinda funny because as your friend is branching out, she is perceiving everything and everyone around her as objects to obtain, and you were no exception. She wanted to possess you, that's all. She wanted your relationship to be aligned with her life. And when you draw that boundary, it distorted her plans and she felt like she lost control of the relationship. Nothing personal happened here. Don't take it personally. You did nothing wrong, and neither did she. You just aren't compatible with each other and your paths are different.

[Lyubov]

7 hours ago, flowboy said:

The way she reacts, I bet she has feelings for you too.

Did you admit those feelings to her? Because if you didn't, it's possible that she senses your dishonesty and on some level wants you to be honest about the crush so you two can stop the friend charade. Women can get very angry when they sense you're being a wimp about something.

If you're gonna lose her anyway, might be worth exploring!

 

This: "I'm in love with you, so I am asking you to move to my town so we can be together. Please say yes. If you don't feel the same way, I have to take some space to heal" is a much more respectable way to potentially end this, with the added bonus of honesty and perhaps getting what you want.

And if she says no to that, I bet she'll be a lot nicer and more understanding to you, and won't complain that you haven't explained well. Because this is what was missing from the explanation.

I told her I felt too attached to her but didn’t tell her my exact feelings why I felt attached to her and she was actually angry at me cause she said I didn’t explain myself well enough  maybe I wimped out and wasn’t as honest as I could of been  I didn’t want to throw all that into it and make it more messy. Idk I just feel bad now like maybe I should have been totally transparent up front with exactly how I felt  i think she could have sensed this and was telling me she was mad I wasn’t straight forward with her enough.

[Lyubov]

Idk I don’t think I should message her again. She got really angry and didn’t reply to my last message. I feel sort of ashamed I wasn’t more honest with telling her my feelings for her. At the time it just seemed like a bad idea and potential to complicate things but now it feels like the most honest thing I could of done. Feels like it’s too late  idk maybe I should write her one last message but I don’t want to be THAT guy.

[flowboy]

@Lyubov  What do you have to lose? She hates you already currently. Maybe you can fix it maybe not.

This kind of honesty takes a lot of practice. Why procrastinate on that?

Edited October 23, 2020 by flowboy

[Lyubov]

23 minutes ago, flowboy said:

@Lyubov  What do you have to lose? She hates you already currently. Maybe you can fix it maybe not.

This kind of honesty takes a lot of practice. Why procrastinate on that?

I’m going to write the the letter but perhaps not send it. I’m going to think on it. It feels complicated and this person has their own baggage and I don’t wish to add another layer of complexity to this situation because I also feel like they are being really selfish with how they reacted and don’t want another earful from them shaming me. I will write it but I’m not going to ask for anything from them and I may not even send it. Just tell them that I realized I had a crush on them and due to our physical distance and them having some things lined up and I feeling too attached that the best thing I felt for me was some space.

[Lyubov]

Well I sent it. Feels scary and I don’t know how she will take it but at least I was honest and if it hurts and she gets more angry then so be it that is her stuff and doesn’t make me a bad person. I was honest here and it really hurt to be this way but at least I was and I can sleep better at night knowing I was.

[Average Investor]

 

22 hours ago, Lyubov said:

I have overcame neediness before and have had great success with women but I think it is a process that doesn't ever fully end. It seeps in subtly and when things are good it isn't such a problem but when something goes south or comes up it's a ticking time bomb for a person. I do admit I have feelings for her but I don't think that should automatically mean we can't be friends. It's why I wanted some space from her but she took it really hard. I wrote her a letter and she got really mad at me saying "that's not what real friends do" and stuff like that... Can't really get through to her and she is throwing so much blame at me saying I didn't explain myself well enough and really angry stuff. I realize she is reacting to it in her own way and she has anger coming up. I'm standing my ground and telling her I understand she feels this way but it doesn't make me a bad friend for wanting space and tending to my own emotional needs. I hope she can at least see through that she is bringing a lot of her own insecurities and past abandonment to the table here and if she doesn't want to be friends anymore I won't hold a grudge against her. 

More of what I mean is the being friends and moving into a dating relationship type dynamic. With my experience it has seemed highly ineffective. Seems better to go towards one end or the other from the start. Not that a friendship could not develop into something more. I feel like this is in good part why this has seemed to have blown up a bit. I am sure a good relationship could form out of friendship though too. I had a girl I initially was attracted too she was aware of that, but she had a boyfriend and let me know right away. I actually ended up hanging out with them and playing league of legends at their house lol. The friendship did not last, but they were pretty cool. We just lost touch over the years. 

I agree there is a lot of progress to be made with anything. Just something to consider to keep chipping away at. I would  recommend practicing letting go. I can tell it is giving me a lot more power and peace of mind with my interactions with women lately. That and my overall life in general. 

 

[Lyubov]

Update:

 

So this person reached out to me the other day and asked me if I wanted to be friends again and talk daily again. We have been talking a little and they seem closed off. I've been bringing up our falling out and how angry they got. They are acting like it never happened and like they want to just return to what it was like before it happened. It doesn't feel good to me. It feels like they themselves aren't being honest about something and here I am the one who had them blow up and get all angry at me because I quietly wanted to distance myself from them after developing a huge crush on them. They never have acknowledged how I felt and left my last message to them telling them how I truly felt on read. They then message me a couple months later asking to be friends and talk again... I really don't know what the deal is and I feel a little hurt... I don't know if I should come out and straight up ask them how they feel about me and why they are acting like none of it every happened. Like this is the reaction I was originally expecting to get when I originally wanted some space instead of them blowing up and seeming super hurt. I feel just confused more-so about them and wondering how they feel and their motives for writing me again out of the blue after they got so mad and seemed perfectly fine never talking again. Just feels off considering they are acting like nothing happened after I told them how I felt about them and them getting super angry at me for holding back about what was going on... Now it feels like they are being dishonest or holding back or idk trying to use me in some way to cope with their own incongruences about their own emotions... Does any of this make sense? Does anyone understand what I'm saying? I almost feel subtly gaslighted by them. 

Edited December 11, 2020 by Lyubov

[Lyubov]

@Preety_India @flowboy

[Preety_India]

@Lyubov yes. It makes sense 

If I were you. I wouldn't talk to them because it seems on a subtler level they are playing mind games and that is the root cause of the hurt. They obviously know fully what they've done yet pretending like nothing happened in order to avoid feeling guilty and having to confess their guilt. Instead they love this new game. It seems their ego cannot handle honesty. 

I'd just leave them for good because they have been hurtful and not even acknowledging this hurt. I'd continue with my life and ignore them because that's what they deserve for what they did and for being emotionally manipulative. 

 

Edited December 11, 2020 by Preety_India

[Lyubov]

2 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@Lyubov yes. It makes sense 

If I were you. I wouldn't talk to them because it seems on a subtler level they are playing mind games and that is the root cause of the hurt. They obviously know fully what they've done yet pretending like nothing happened in order to avoid feeling guilty and having to confess their guilt. Instead they love this new game. It seems their ego cannot handle honesty. 

I'd just leave them for good because they have been hurtful and not even acknowledging this hurt. I'd continue with my life and ignore them because that's what they deserve for what they did and for being emotionally manipulative. 

 

yeah it just feels like they now are somehow playing some sort of game. like I'm trying to be as transparent with what I'm writing here and avoid my own self bias for the best possible advice. I came clean to them. I owned up to the fact that I could of been more straight forward with them about how I felt when I originally wanted some space and not had to have them pry for more information. I took responsibility for that and spoke crystal clear to them. They live in another country so I don't want to ask them for a long distance relationship like this. I'm just being realistic here. I feel like now something is being held back by them and it doesn't explain to me why they got so hurt (I think largely to do with their own past) and why they want to act like it didn't happen now. But is is all connected and I feel mostly unacknowledged by them.