Taking my life purpose and time seriously

[meadow]

A very good friend of mine recommended to start this journal. I agree with all of his reasons and have a few of my own.

I like writing ✅

I need, at this time, anonymity but do appreciate feedback and comments ✅

I like the journaling habit ✅

I hold myself back a bit in daily life so I will use the journal to really go all out and clearly state what I'm proud of and give myself compliments where due. 

A brief intro - I'm 30+, grew up in a Northern European country and spent quite some time in Amsterdam while living the rock-star life for a while. Wolf of Wallstreet stuff. Lots of money, parties, orgies, drugs, drug-fuelled orgies.. all the decadence the 20s should be about. When it comes to sex, drugs and techno I can die a happy man today thanks to those years. This behaviour, however, all culminated with a massive drug-induced panic attack which took 6+m to properly recover from. It originated from a combination of "work hard, play hard" for years, crazy partying, cocaine, speed and all the other stress-inducing substances and behaviour which I never fully allowed myself to recover from between the sessions and weekends. I would go hard in the week, travelling a lot for work and doing million euro pitching and then go even harder in the weekend to "recover" from the work. Then kick it off with a massive hangover and Tuesday blues and restart it all again. 

After a few years of self-abuse in this way in the name of "you only live once" there suddenly was no more margin and I blew up internally. I'll write about the attack, the parties and the sex adventures I think. Some of them are truly amazing and bizarre and belong in some kind of book for sure.  

Now, as perhaps a sort of a backlash, I live in a restrictive middle-eastern country since less than a year, building a bank. Yes, I earn a lot of money right now. No, it doesn't solve any of my issues beyond petty comfortability ones. My financial goal, however, is to make 1M EUR a year, somewhat passively, and I am a long way from that, since I am still a wage slave although I report directly into the CEO and do have a lot of freedom. I make close to 300k/y now but 0 passively, at the moment.

In order to reach my financial goal over time I am doing a few things on the side. It makes sense to say that my financial goal can probably also be reached by excelling at my main job, since I'm now shoulder to shoulder with billionaires via work and I have a particular very hard to find skill which these guys need to maintain and grow their massive (banking, insurance, oil, construction) businesses.  The only caveat is that the timelines are very long since the scales are huge and the industries slow. 

On the side;
 - I am building a business which I've put 28k in so far and haven't been able to get a paying customer yet. It's a SaaS business, and I do have some steady traffic now and do get some trial subscribers but have 100% churn and am currently working to understand and then reduce that. I am not ready to abandon it as I have a strong vision about this business and whenever I get the chance to pitch the vision - people get excited and want to use it. The product just doesn't deliver on the promise yet, though.

 - I am hands-off investing in an affiliate marketing site that I've put 7k in so far and it is showing signs of soon getting commission. Traffic is steadily increasing and ranks are going up. The SEO agency provides me with a fully managed service for an ok price.

A few times in my life I've realised that what I am good at is not what I care about or am passionate about. My skills are transferrable between domains but I've gotten really good in a particular one which I don't necessarily see as a passion. The only thing that keeps me going when shit is boring and I'm feeling down is keeping my eyes on the salary. I need to change this situation. 

In parallel to the above I am working with a life purpose coach who is helping me to ask the right questions and log the answers. This is helping me to see that I belong as an entrepreneur, and not truly where I currently am. The work is not done yet, by far, but it is nice to see the truth reveal itself through the work that I am doing. 

That's it for now. Yesterday I kicked off a program I am responsible for. 20+ million dollar budget. 250+ people involved with multiple different industry leading vendors. Shit is huge now.

 

[BalancedBlotter]

On 10/6/2020 at 11:20 PM, meadow said:

In parallel to the above I am working with a life purpose coach who is helping me to ask the right questions and log the answers. 

Congrats on your success so far. 

You mention that you have found things you are good at but not necessarily passionate about; have you gotten clear on what you are passionate about? It sounds like you might have everything you need to make a leap of faith into something you love that also adds value to people's lives. 

I'm currently looking for a life purpose coach; would you recommend yours? As far as I can tell, Leo is not coaching at the moment. 

[meadow]

On 10/19/2020 at 10:28 PM, BalancedBlotter said:

Congrats on your success so far. 

You mention that you have found things you are good at but not necessarily passionate about; have you gotten clear on what you are passionate about? It sounds like you might have everything you need to make a leap of faith into something you love that also adds value to people's lives. 

I'm currently looking for a life purpose coach; would you recommend yours? As far as I can tell, Leo is not coaching at the moment. 

Thank you, BalancedBlotter. I really appreciate your interest and the time you took to reply.

Your question touches on some core issue/challenge I have. Since an early age, because of childhood traumas, I have been using dissociation as a coping strategy and as such I have conditioned myself into being naturally distanced from my emotions. It is incredibly hard for me to really say what I enjoy or don't enjoy. I am working on it though, and so far everything points towards that I need to do my own thing, own my own agenda. 

I have a soft side for the environment, animals and the abused/exposed. I have toyed with the idea of launching or taking part of a GreenTech startup or similar. I really enjoy electronics and IoT, using technology to improve our lives and unlock time for us to use on things humans should be doing. It would be cool to combine technology and plants/environment to create something which helps us mitigate the environmental catastrophe we are all heading towards. 

I can not recommend my life purpose coach yet as I am not done with his program. I do really appreciate what we have done so far. 

 

[meadow]

Yesterday a major milestone was achieved.

The business I am growing on the side had its first paying subscriber. It's been probably more than a year of side-hustle fucking around to get to this point. I thought the scope was small and that I should be up and running in a few months max, when I started out. 

I'm very happy about this as now finally this idea really is validated.. and theoretically it should be just to scale from this point on. 

Good job Meadow! You fucking rock! 

[meadow]

Today another major milestone was reached. 

I am now a millionaire in my home country currency. That's for sure not nothing!

Awesome job Meadow! Fuck yeah! 

[meadow]

These stories I want to write about here:

 - The threesome with the two students 

 - The first bisexual threesome

 - The Paris Wheel blowjob

Note to self.

[meadow]

3 paying subscribers now! Whoop! 

I have been fighting fatigue the last few days. Emotional distancing strategies towards my gf. Is she beautiful enough? Is she smart enough? Questions like these swirling in my head. I am happy I have come to the point where I do not listen to it anymore. I know that it is simply a reflection of how I judge myself. When I have felt the best with myself is also when I have felt the most love for her. 

I am starting to see a pattern. 

If I put myself in a situation I do not like but force myself through either way, it comes back with vengeance with effects such as the above. Toka koka, equal balance. There is no escape, I need to follow my heart and not my brain. 

[meadow]

Very tired in the morning, slept longer. Weird fever-like feelings before waking. Good energy and aggression during the day, and great effort to finish that 5k run.

Planning out my week properly now. Sales and marketing for my side-gig is staked out daily. Habits take a while to take shape but I am getting there with small steps. Anti-depression light is on as I sit by the laptop. 

[meadow]

Met a guy at the gym this morning. He was very friendly and we decided to workout together.

I started doubting whether I was smiling too much. Or if I was too eager. I probably was. It is what puts me in an inferior position in relationships. It makes me feel like I want the relationship more than the other party. Anxious behaviour. 

Just chill, relax. Let things roll. Stop playing games. 

[meadow]

Big thoughts stirring in my head. Doubts about many things. I feel like I'm surrounded by a cloud of doubt and that I'm walking around with full pressure that can't get released. 

I'm doubting my girlfriend. I don't feel proud of her. She is too plain and normal, easy mode. I feel like I could have done much better. Only certain aspects of her trigger these thoughts in me. We have many good parts as well. We have amazing sex, truly. And we have quite a good time together. But I don't find her super beautiful. From some angles she's really, really cute and sexy. From some angles I don't like what I see that much. I have big issues with her lax approach to big things in life. I find that I judge her a lot, silently, when I see traits that signal laziness and/or lack of drive. We're at the point in the relationship where it doesn't feel natural to share these thoughts and doubts. I'm starting to feel trapped again, and my avoidant tendencies are growing. I'm retreating more and more of my true self. It doesn't help that I for sure have narcissistic tendencies as well, so I don't know how much of the lack of beauty is real vs just in my eyes (such that no one would ever fulfil my desire for beauty).

I'm considering becoming a police officer. But I'm doubting whether it's a "grass is greener" thing or if the desire is genuine. I did well in the military once I warmed up to it and accepted it. I applied for military university but declined after I was approved. I chose the civilian route back then. There are things with this heavily "blue" profession like being a cop or a military person which entice me. I am unsure whether I am blue enough for it. Or maybe there is a misconception there - in my home country the police isn't necessarily as blue as the one in the states for instance. Progressiveness is required as well. But there is something inherently blue in such a large, national institution. I doubt whether I would actually enjoy the rigidness and structure. I fundamentally see myself more as a founder personality but also that might be a misconception, something I've told myself because I always wanted the sexy life of rich entrepreneur. So I could get the babes. 

My passion in life, my interest in life, was lost somewhere along the way. I feel like I have corrupted my sense of self, of even being able to know myself. I don't even know what I like to do, really. 

I have been a part of an arrest a few times in life. Once a shoplifter and once some guy trying to steal a phone from a girl. Both times I acted immediately, like I was compelled by an inherent force in me that just knew what was right and wouldn't let anything get in the way. I know that I have a lot of physical power in me, a lot of violence ready to be applied for the right purpose. As such, I am a warrior type. But I need to be in the right war, the one I believe in, in order to unlock that energy. I spoke about the Blue, that part is a strong blue part in me. I feel like that part, even if it's dormant, even if it's not something I use every day, that part has a redline into my heart. When it lights up, I am integrated. 

Maybe I can only truly be integrated if I embrace the blue and let it lead me. I might find room for my creativity, my Green, my Orange if I structure it as satellites around blue, and let blue guide my purpose. I do like order, and I work well in order. 

When I have my life in order, when I follow routines, is when I feel the best. When I fight and lift heavy things multiple times per week is when I feel the best. When I do things which make me proud and bring me acceptance and delight of my peers I feel the best. When I do things that really matter, hard things not everyone can do, I feel the best. When I have my place in the world and can nerd out in a corner of it and be creative and inventive, I think I would feel very well. 

Working shifts as a police officer? I think the sleep thing would be tough. 

Making arrests, catching people, using my general intelligence to solve crime... all of these things I think would put me in the zone. It is a very enticing thought. 

The money? It would suck to have a shitty salary. Do I have enough cash right now to make it bearable? Almost. Yes, if I use it well. Do I really care about material possessions? No. The happiest I've been was living on 800€/m programming video games as a student. I had to hack together a Hackintosh because I couldn't afford a Mac, and I needed MacOsX for the tooling. I was feeling so good about myself back then, budding entrepreneur. 

I was also feeling very good in the military at times, although perhaps because there was a deadline of a year for that experience. I did enjoy it to the point where I almost made a career out of it, but maybe that was more because I didn't really know what I wanted to do. Opening the doors of opportunity, kind of. 

I wish I could just talk to some sage who could figure it out for me and then tell me what to do. 

[meadow]

I'm in a toxic mind-space so read at your own peril. 

Dragons. 

Jordan talks about the hero myths a lot, and how they relate to us in ways we do not always appreciate fully. 

I have the feeling I am lacking dragons in my life. No dragon to slay. My hero journey has stagnated and I am in the filler episodes. I am standing still, somehow. My life is completely built up around safety. All the NPCs are benevolent. There is no real physical danger or risk of real evil. How can I possibly be a hero in that setting? I have no nemesis, no antagonist. I am both the protagonist and the antagonist. 

I am longing for a nemesis. A dragon to slay. Real, useful and important danger. I have a sleeping warrior within. It brought me to the arena in Muay Thai and showed me the beauty and enjoyment of applied, methodical violence and physical dominance. My life has not let this warrior come out much. As a result I feel harmless - the worst condition for a man to be in. 

This is an important thought. Work has to be done to become dangerous again.

[meadow]

Cooled down a bit since yesterday. Made some money on day-trading and it seems the staring at the charts has some kind of meditative effect on me and the gains give me some dopamine kicks. 

Saw myself in the mirror today and am really getting fat around the belly. Feeling tremendous judgements against myself about this. 

The toxicity of yesterday stems from self loathing, I believe. When I am accepting and loving of myself I also feel love for my gf. When I'm in the judging space, the narcissistic tendencies take over. Not sure why I am explaining this to anyone really. It is what it is. I'm a total douchebag ~5% of the time I would estimate. The rest of the time I'm good or better with people and animals. 

 

[meadow]

I am alone. 

I am in a cabin on the country side. There are fields around me. I just went to the ocean, dipped. It's -3 right now. Two days ago I did the same but then I walked to and from the sea-side. That was better, my feet are still cold right now as I drove home instead of walking. Heat should come from within. 

I had a very good day yesterday. Seeing a lot of progress with work. Landing in the role, I understand it now. I am a big boss now, and understand how to play it, how to be the leader I want to be. It feels great to not do it from a perspective of ego. I do what I do to get results for the institution. I really do not care about getting lots and lots of employees. I would prefer to not have a big team. Managing people actually sucks. I like to manage missions. I like to inspire people to do well. I do not like to bitch about salaries or vacation days. 

Yesterday I felt very strong. Today I feel strong but a bit sleep deprived. Somehow I am feeling more integrated. 

[meadow]

I have experienced a strong creative energy and flow for the last 3 days. This spurred a whole flurry of productivity on my side-gig. I have kicked off work with a freelancer and have a clear roadmap for two whole work streams. The work excites me and I am looking forward to watching my product grow. It is an interesting challenge to slow-grow it as a side-gig with only freelancers. 

I had a long, great, talk with a friend of mine where he shared about his recent sexcapade. I loved hearing it and felt genuine happiness hearing that he had enjoyed himself so thoroughly. It was also stimulating to hear him describe how he feels about this woman. I reconnected with the feeling I had with my most important ex. This brought my attention to how it feels now, and how the beginning of this relationship did not feel as.. impactful.

Something I am grateful for:
I laid down in the ocean twice this week. It is -3 degrees. I was fantastic. 

Something I want to achieve tomorrow:
I want to not forget anything when I leave this cabin. 

Something I'm looking forward to:
Cuddling with my gf. Nice dinner on Valentine's. Getting work done on my side-gig. 

A feeling I am experiencing:
I feel tiredness.