Emotional Stress Journal ?

[Preety_India]

A record keeper of how I manage emotions. 

 

Edited October 6, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

October 6 

My day wasn't very good. I was emotionally stressed in the morning. 

Especially after the sexual harassment experience last week, I'm trying to recover and feel better. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I wanted to cut my wrists today. 

I drank lots of beer because it was a hard night. 

I gambled a lot of money and I didn't care. 

I threw shoes at the walls. 

I smashed my new guitar that I had bought a few weeks ago.

 

I was super super angry today. 

 

 

Super angry. 

I will never forget this week in my entire life. 

Damn you for doing what you did to me, you bastard. 

I should have known better. 

 

 

I had lost myself. 

 

 

You created a hole in me.. 

 

But you know what, I will get back on my feet

 

 

And be a stronger woman. 

 

You don't define me you rascal. 

 

 

I will be a stronger woman and do better in life 

 

 

 

Way better than a pig like you could ever imagine. 

 

 

Go fuck yourself and your judgemental ass. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Just give yourself enough space alright?? 

It will be okay.

 

 

[Preety_India]

Maybe it will take 10 more days to feel alright. 

 

[Preety_India]

I don't even know where to begin 

 

But this year is Going to teach me so much. 

 

I'm so done. 

Just looking for a new start. 

I was so upset last year 

I didnt want to live

Maybe finally I can live. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

But despite all my struggles I  will keep my head high and be positive. 

 

[Preety_India]

That's the price of sacrifice 

That you must pay to learn the harder way. 

 

. 

[Preety_India]

I'm trying to get back to normal. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I had this homeless boyfriend before who I left. 

He was abusive. 

I think that that experience taught me a lot 

During the first period of the relationship, he was a total gentleman and then he started to suffer in life and take out his abuse on me. 

But I experienced deep romantic chemistry with him 

Maybe God wanted me to go through this experience. 

My past relationships weren't fun. Most of them lacked chemistry even if the guys were good. 

There was never this intense romantic chemistry with them. Just a relationship. I didnt think much of it. It was okay. 

But I did not feel any longing or madness. 

 

The relationship with Joseph drove me nuts. 

It was the strongest sexual chemistry I had experienced. 

Part of it was because I was so emotionally bonded to me 

 

That easily produced a lot of oxytocin. 

I always wanted him to make love to me. He wanted it to.. 

What I have realized that a romantic relationship, a deep type, is really needed in life to create that romantic energy or passion in life.. There's something about this passion that drives the heart and the mind to work.. 

Edited October 7, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

For some time I felt like I just can't function without a man's love. 

I needed it so bad. 

I was more detached in my past relationships because I wasn't feeling like I was getting love.. 

Meanwhile in the last relationship, there was a noticeable difference. I felt loved even though the relationship soured later. 

It's like good things don't last. They have to come to an end at some point. 

This acceptance is needed. That any fiery romance must end at some point.. 

Because there are always issues. 

I don't regret my past relationship. Not the fiery one.. Because I learned a lot. 

I understood the importance of eternal romance. 

I understood that love without that connection, that exact deep connection is fruitless and not love. 

And love with the connection is the only love you actually need. 

This love makes you a better person 

 

This chemistry is the fuel. 

You don't need to experience love many times in life. That's a lie. 

The love that you experience has to be quality love.. Or else it's a sham. 

It leaves you with a void. 

But a quality love fills you. It's like spring water, different from ordinary water. 

This love has great emotional quality or vibration. 

So even if you end the relationship, you still remember this love. Because it's so effervescent. 

It keeps inspiring you. 

Andrew is just the same. We have a strong sexual chemistry. 

This helps a lot. 

The strong sexual chemistry acts like a fuel 

 

It keeps you glued to your ground. 

 

[Preety_India]

This experience is needed at least once in life to actually know what love feels like. 

If I have to be frank about how it feels to be truly in love 

I will say, it feels like a high vibration and perfect peace.. 

It's a point of peace. 

When you reach this point then you are ready to go. 

I can give the example of dance. 

True love is like a dance. 

When you have never danced in life, you have never experienced its true joy. 

But one day you hear the music and you suddenly break out into a dance, that's where you realize what you had been missing on for so long. 

I had been lackluster relationships in my college days. 

They were charming men. But the relationships weren't really meaningful. It was love, but passive love.. 

It felt like reading a book or watching TV. Or eating popcorn. 

But it didn't feel like amazing. 

It didn't feel like I was going crazy without that person. 

It was fine if he left me and went away for a few days,. There was no imminent loss. 

But this relationship was different. If I didn't snuggle with him for a day or if he was out, I'd miss him terribly. 

When I was with him, it felt like deep exhilaration. Deep joy. I would laugh for hours over nothing. 

We would feel a sense of joy in simply holding hands 

 

Even the most routine things were joyful when he was around. We would laugh. Because there was chemistry. Laughter and joy and caring. 

That's the kind of love you need. Not the boring regular type. No matter how attractive or charming the guy may be, if you don't feel like you can't live without him, the relationship just hasn't hit the jackpot. 

It's a beautiful feeling. 

 

[Preety_India]

Now this feeling is what a woman needs. 

The feeling of being loved. Truly. Loved. 

Something that can only come from a deep connection and not from casual flings with men. 

The relationships that doesn't make you feel really wanted is not a relationship, just a passing fling or a boring association of 2 people. 

But the relationship that makes you jump and do backflips is the real relationship. 

Because you're excited to be with your lovebird at all seasons of the year. 

When you experience something so exciting and beautiful and cosmic,  you don't need anymore relationships in life. 

You are not excited to pursue anymore relationships 

 

Because your hunger is satisfied, thirst quenched. 

When you are in boring joyless relationships, you are restless... The restlessness increases. Your restless soul is looking for that  feeling of true love, despite being with that person, you're still restless, because the culmination hasn't happened yet. 

Think of this as you're preparing to win in a car race. You are waiting and the waiting is producing so much restlessness. The car race is after a week. The whole week you're craving for it. You want the time to go by quicker.. 

The same restlessness you experience in a bad relationship. 

Now when you finally enter the car race and you win, that's where you're fulfilled. 

Now you're not craving anymore. 

Similarly when you meet that one true love of your life, you're suddenly in a different head space and heartspace. 

After experiencing that relationship you aren't craving anymore. 

 

Edited October 7, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

A thing of beauty is a joy forever. 

A thing of romance is a fuel forever 

 

 

[Preety_India]

These days I just want to be happy and never lose my happiness again. 

My profile pic though. Kinda okay I guess. 

 

[Preety_India]

My emotional health began to fail on 30th September. 

Since then I'm trying so hard to cope with everything. 

It's too tough. 

I had been raging for 3 days. 

Till 3rd October. It was just miserable. 

Now it's 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th and 8th. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm in better shape emotionally right now.

At least today. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Everyday I want to do good things to improve my emotional health 

 

[Preety_India]

8th October 

I'm finally free. 

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️